


I only need you

by chhkyn



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Drugs, Eating Disorders, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Panic Attacks, Rehabilitation, Self-Harm, Smut, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, This is going to be a long ride my children, may be triggering, oh man, read this if u like ur heart to be wrenched out, really sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-07
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-08-20 03:29:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 83,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8234504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chhkyn/pseuds/chhkyn
Summary: Sometimes Kihyun's hands get shaky and his breaths aren't stable but most of the time he's fine.He's so fine.





	1. PART I: PROLOGUE

Kihyun is scared. And bothered. But mostly, scared. Not scared, petrified. This was stupid. Everything was stupid. Why was he here? It’s 3pm. He should be doing his homework now, not sitting in an annoyingly comfortable chair in a room that’s way too white. Kihyun doesn’t understand why he’s here, what he’s done to be here, or why his mother insisted on this. Why was he in a rehabilitation center? He’s perfectly fine.

 

Weren’t rehabilitation centers for druggies and alcoholics? As a ‘good’ son, he’s never touched drugs or even alcohol in his life. He still doesn’t know why he needed to be here. He’d much rather be doing his math homework or sleeping. Kihyun doesn’t feel broken or damaged, he’s just a normal teenage boy trying to live his life.

 

How would locking someone up for getting anxious sometimes help them at all? He glances over to his mother who was signing a serious looking piece of paper. Part of him wants to stand up and flee or snatch the paper out of her hands and shred it to bits. Instead, he continues to stare down at his nails, picking at them while his mother asks a few questions that he did not bother to listen to.

 

“Now, Kihyun. You’ll be here for a quite a while, we can’t determine how long your stay will be. It depends on your progress.” The doctor – his badge read Seo Jungho, explains slowly, and Kihyun wants to put a fast forward button on his mouth. But he picks at his nails again, maybe reality could be changed if you ignore it. He can’t believe that he has to stay here until he’s deemed ‘okay’. What was their definition of ‘okay’? Kihyun’s own definition tells him that he’s fine. He’s okay. He just gets panicky sometimes, as if that’s not normal. And he just wanted to be away from his father, anyone living in his shoes would.

 

“That’s not normal, Kihyun.” His mother sighs for the thousandth time that day. “Don’t even try talking me out of sending you here. This disorder, your disorder, it’s a huge burden to me. Be glad that I’m sending you here. I’m paying for them to heal, no, fix you, so you jolly well let yourself be fixed!” Kihyun shifts his eyes back down again. She just wanted to get rid of him, that’s all.

 

That was what this was all about. He’s a burden. Seo Jungho the doctor scowls a little at his mother before turning to Kihyun himself. “Well take good care of you, Kihyun. Mrs Yoo? You may leave now.” The lady that Kihyun calls his mother rises immediately and turns her back, heading out the door. That’s funny, the fact that it may be the last time she’s seeing Kihyun but she’s so eager to leave. What a great mother. Oh well.

 

“Kihyun?” The doctor taps his shoulder lightly from the back. Kihyun’s reflexes tell him to kick but he stops himself in time. “I’ll get your personal nurse to show you to your room.” Kihyun scoffs. He has a personal nurse? “I’ll get her to pass you your timetable in a day or two, after we’ve given you some check-ups. She’ll also inform you about meal hours and interacting with the others.”

 

He stands up and shuffles his things around. Kihyun looks at his own feet. “Here’s a key.” He passes a card to Kihyun kindly and Kihyun accepts it. “Am I staying alone?” He croaks a little, his voice hoarse from the night before, begging his parents to let him stay. Some parents were they. He’s given up on that now, it’s too late anyways. Seo Jungho the doctor nods. “Until we think you’re improving, you’ll be staying in your own ward. If you want to get out fast, try your best. Although, Kihyun, if I were to be honest, you seem pretty okay to stay with the rest already.”

 

“Until my what’s improving?” Kihyun cuts the man off. God, he talks too much. “Well, your… condition, Kihyun.” He looks a little worried now. “What condition? I’m fine.”

 

“Your anxiety disorder, Kihyun. Please let us help you with it. We only want to help you to get out of this place, happy and anxiety free.” Kihyun closes his eyes again. “Stop saying my name in every sentence. I know that my name’s Kihyun, okay?” The doctor draws back a little. “Okay, K- I’ll try not to do that now.”

 

Kihyun closes his eyes before burying his head in his hands. What is going on in his head? His thoughts are swimming around rapidly and he really wants them to stop. He really needed a nap. No, he needed two nights’ worth of sleep. Kihyun frowns. “Okay. Take me to my room, please.”

 

“Give me a second. Nurse Kang, please bring Kihyun to his room!”

 

Nurse Kang Jinhee enters the room. Kihyun knows her name from her name tag. “This way.” She states calmly, and Kihyun follows the direction of her hand down the symmetrical halls and into an empty room. Wasn’t she just _too_ calm? Kihyun was feeling agitated then because of the dull migraine in his head. He doesn’t know if it’s the thoughts or his body that’s making him feel this way.

 

“Room 21. Make yourself comfortable, but not too comfortable because you might be moved if you make good progress.” She gives him an encouraging smile before showing him where to keep his things. “Where’s my stuff?” Kihyun asks, plopping down on the bed. The bed was a carbon copy of a hospital bed. Maybe it _was_ a hospital bed. “We’ll have them sent tomorrow. Are you fine with sleeping in that? I can ask to borrow clothes from the others if you’re uncomfortable.”

 

Kihyun shakes his head. “It’s fine, thank you.” Well, at least she wasn’t irritating, neither did she have an annoying talking habit like Doctor Seo. Nurse Kang gives him a warm smile before passing him a little notebook. “This is for you to entertain yourself if you have nothing to do. I think it’s best for my patients to express themselves. Although, I don’t really like to regard patients as patients. I’d rather regard them as friends that I’m trying to help. Instead of Nurse Kang, please just call me Jinhee. I’m your nurse for the next week or so, till you’ve warmed up to this place.”

 

“Okay… Jinhee.” Kihyun had to get used to this. It’s funny how he’s there to get rid of his anxiety but he’s being forced to talk to more people than he actually intended to. “Jinhee.” She beams brightly, placing a hand on the desk. “Dinner’s at 6.30, if you’re hungry. You won’t get your timetable till a day or two later, so I’ll tell you the meal times tomorrow now. Breakfast is at 7.30, lunch is at 12.30, supper is optional, but it’s at 10 if you’re interested. You can get snacks from the canteen too if you’re hungry between breaks.”

 

This place was too systematic for Kihyun to handle, but he nods in ‘understanding’ anyways. By now, the migraine in his head has grown stronger and the dull pain is replaced by a sharp pain. “Jinhee, may I know where the toilet and shower area is?” He struggles to speak, furrowing his brows at the ache in his head. “There’s a toilet in your room. But for the showers, exit the room, turn left and you’ll see it straight down. Do you need clean clothes?”

 

“You don’t look too good, are you okay?” She asks again, lifting her hand from the table. Kihyun nods profusely but this only makes his migraine worse. “I’m fine, it’s just a headache. Do you have painkillers?” Kihyun asks, clutching his temple. “I’m sorry Kihyun, but we need to keep you for 24 hours first before we can give you any medication. This is to ensure that we don’t accidentally make you overdose.” It’s not that Kihyun didn’t like Jinhee, it was that her voice was as piercing as a siren then. His headache was distorting everything, his sight and hearing. He wanted her to go. He wanted to rest.

 

“It’s fine. I’ll just sleep it off. Thank you… Jinhee,” the nurse cracks a small smile as she looks over at Kihyun sympathetically. “Okay. I’ll be going now. Please let me know if you need help, but if you can manage yourself then I’ll be seeing you tomorrow. I hope you’ll feel better by then as well, goodbye for now.” She closes the door behind her softly. The pain came from the left side, and now it ranges from up, down, and sideways.

 

Kihyun trudges on his feet as he reaches out to lock the door, then he shuffles back to fall into the creaky bed. On the metal bed frame, the phrase ‘sit back, relapse again’ is carved on it. Kihyun furrows his brows. Even reading hurt. He throws the blanket over his face and falls into a deep slumber. Deep in his heart, he secretly hopes that this was all just a bad, bad dream.

 

 

 

It’s not a dream, Kihyun repeats to himself. It’s not a dream. He’s woken, and the clock read 6.42. He doesn’t know if it was in the morning or night, but he didn’t care now. He is here, he’s never going to get out, and he’s probably going to get beaten up by other guys – he was a common target for his petite height and body structure. The only good thing he got out of waking up was that his migraine was now replaced by a dull, haunting ache.

 

This is the worst he’s ever been. Kihyun finds it _so_ ironic that he’s here to get treated but this is the most frightened, terrified, petrified, any other synonym for scared, he’s ever been in his entire life. Not even when his teacher at school made him stand up to answer a question and he dashed out of class to hyperventilate in the locker rooms. This is a living nightmare. Is the only way out of here death?

 

Kihyun sits up, and his back aches, his neck was sore. He runs the back of his hand over his forehead to notice that he’s been sweating cold perspiration all along. He needed a shower. His mother always said to be prepared, but now that she’s gone, her advice is stuck in Kihyun’s head, but this time from an anonymous commenter. He unzips his bag that was strewn aside upon his arrival, pulling out the spare clothes and towel that he’d packed the night before.

 

He walks restlessly down the halls, trying to make as little noise as possible, toes first, then heel. Upon unlocking his room’s door, he notices that the sky outside is still dark. He still doesn’t know if it’s morning or night – the sky was dark at both times. Kihyun chuckles a little. This was the first time he’s comparing himself to the sky that wraps around the entire of earth.

 

There is a door which reads ‘male bathroom’ which Kihyun assumes is the bathroom, so he slowly opens the door in case someone else was inside. Of course, in a semi-public bathroom, what would you find? People. Not lots of people, but one, enough to make Kihyun panic. They were in the stall. They didn’t see Kihyun. The bathroom smells of rose-flavored soap and vomit. Is this what a mental hospital smells like?

 

No, they call it a rehabilitation center. He’s in a rehabilitation center. Not a mental hospital. No one was crazy here, or at least, no one was full out insane. He might be the only insane one. Kihyun was going crazy. The gagging noises from the locked bathroom made him think twice about taking a shower. Kihyun had many fears, but one of the biggest ones was _vomit_. Or, _vomiting_. His mother calls him childish for not wanting to go on a roller coaster, because, well, that’s where people puke. Kihyun does not want to shower in a bathroom that reeks of puke, but something inside him tells him that this wasn’t uncommon here.

 

That’s a huge problem, isn’t it? His anxiety makes him want to vomit but he’s _afraid_ to. He actually wonders if the person in the cubicle is fine, because the vomiting sounded rather forced. Are the people here only admitted for mental disorders? Or did they treat other problems as well?

 

Before the person in the stall walks out, Kihyun makes a run for the shower cubicle – but thanks to his slow reactions, the guy from the cubicle is already out with a flush. He dashes to the sink, cleaning his mouth before noticing Kihyun standing by the side, simply just staring. “What?”

 

He has a head of bleached blonde hair and ear piercings, his arms were toned and he was fair. He was very fair. He wipes his mouth on the hem of his shirt, his bruised and torn knuckles showing while doing so. He probably beats up guys as a hobby. “Can I help you?” He raises a single eyebrow. “Are you new?”

 

He looks up at the boy who’s not at all afraid to look Kihyun right in the eyes. It was terrifying. Kihyun breaks the eye contact almost immediately to look back down at his shoes. The safest place to look at was the floor. He didn’t want to get beaten up on his first day in here.

 

Kihyun is shocked by the sudden interrogation while the boy stares him down, he feels like an animal at the zoo. This was not good. His first meeting with someone from the center cannot end with hyperventilating. “I-I’m n-ew and I-I d-don’t know if y-you were okay.” He manages to choke out before he feels like crying. “I’m fine, thank you. You don’t seem too fine yourself. Go shower or something.”

 

The boy walks out the room without turning back, just like any other person. Kihyun wonders, does he even belong here? No, he didn’t. He’s not going to survive here. He pulls the pathetic curtains to cover himself and removes his clothes, turning the tap on hastily. No one is going to hear him cry on his first day either. He doesn’t care that the water is biting cold, he just needed to block out the sound of a loser crying in the bathrooms.

 

He just needed to make sure that he could worry without anyone watching. As he watches the water hit the floor, the sudden thought dawned on him. He was going to be staying in a mental hospital for a long time. His parents sent him to a mental hospital. _They don’t want him anymore_. “Why me?” Kihyun mumbles to himself. The cold water hits his face, but all he could feel was a single, hot tear run down his cheeks.

 

“‘Why me’, right? That’s what everyone asks themselves. Why do we fall and get hurt? Why do we have feelings? That’s what everyone here wonders. We’re not normal, if you’re here you’re not normal. We are the loners, the outcasts. We were all abandoned. All we have is each other.” Kihyun turns the tap off to listen to the shrill voice that sounded as if it was right beside him. He didn’t notice that someone else was in the toilet with him. “Who are you?”

 

“Who are _you_? I am a patient here, my father sent me here to treat my depression. More like, he sent me here so he didn’t have to deal with me. Now, am I oversharing? I’m sorry if I am.” The voice replies. “I’m sorry. I talk to everyone like this. They all know me, and they all know my name. If you’re the new guy… welcome. This is your home now. We are your home. We can’t support you like your actual family did or didn’t, but we’ll encourage you. Your health is up to you. Try your best to get well if you want to leave.”

 

“T-thank you,” Kihyun breathes out. The voice made sense. “I’ll try to talk to you if I have the chance to. You seem to be the only welcoming one here.” The voice chuckles softly.

 

“Well, welcoming isn’t necessarily good. What if I’m welcoming you to hell? That’s not good. But, I get you. And I will help you. We’ll all help you, new guy. We help each other. Even if it was our last breaths…”

 

“We help each other. Forever and always. No matter what.”

 

Kihyun still goes to bed with tears rolling down his cheeks.

 

 

 

The moment Kihyun is awake in his new old bed, he hears running down the hallways. He looks out the tiny window and sees daylight for the first time in what felt like forever. The running gets louder as they pass his room and a couple of people are shouting. He turns over to his bedside table. 7.07. He was going to have breakfast with the others. The shrill voice from the night before had him thinking – if he really wanted out he needed to try his best. And he was going to try his best to get better, no matter how anxious or panicky he gets.

 

And he was going to find the owner of the voice. He felt obliged to do so. But not before he figures out what was going on down the halls. He was going to go out on his own accord. He can do it.

 

 _I can do it_ , he repeats to himself while he crawls out the creaky bed. _I can do it_ , he whispers as he turns the tiny doorknob and pushes the wooden door open. Turns out he wasn’t the only one that was curious to what was happening outside. When he peeks out, he doesn’t know what he’s seeing. “What happened?” Voices ring down the hall. “I don’t know. It’s in Shin Hoseok’s and Park Minkyun’s room.”

 

What happened? Who is Park Minkyun? And who is Shin Hoseok? Why was everybody in their room? Kihyun doesn’t want to pry any further, at least not on his first actual day. He was just going to let whatever ordeal they had pass. He notices Jinhee walking to him hurriedly in her nurse dress, signaling for him to go into his room. He follows the instructions and lets her in before she shuts the door swiftly. He changes his mind immediately. Jinhee would tell him. “What’s happening outside?”

 

Kihyun doesn’t look her in the eye. He still can’t look at others in the eye. “Well, it’s a little heavy. And I’m just here to tell you about your timetable. We’ve put you in a therapy group with six other members. Something happened in the room down the hall last night so you’re going to have a roommate.”

 

“What happened?” Kihyun asks again. Apparently it wasn’t good for him to know. But he just wanted to know. “It’s very heavy. If I tell you what happened, it might not be good for you.” Kihyun rolls his eyes. “I’m fine! Just tell me what the hell happened, please.” He doesn’t know where this sudden agitated behavior is coming from. Nurse Kang Jinhee draws back a little, her back just hitting the door slightly. “There’s been a suicide…”

 

Kihyun steps a step backwards. Suicide? But the people here are supposed to get better. The people here are supposed to get treated, cured, fixed, and put back to normal. Why are there suicides? Kihyun starts to think that maybe it was too soon for him to trust this place. He let his guard down too easily. It was that damned voice from the night before. He still needed to find the owner of the voice, it’s been haunting him since the night before.

 

“I’m going to have a roommate?” Kihyun changes the subject, his posture uncomfortable. Jinhee was right. The information was too heavy for him. Kihyun’s an idiot, that’s it. “Yes, you are.” Jinhee replies flatly, her voice a little down compared to yesterday. “Who is he?”

 

“His name is Hoseok. His surname’s Shin. Shin Hoseok,” She repeats slowly for Kihyun to take in. Kihyun nods slowly. “Shin Ho-seok.” He’s lost his appetite already. He doesn’t want a new roommate, since said roommate would probably think that Kihyun’s strange for not talking, like the blonde guy in the toilet. He just doesn’t dare to. “I’m going to print your timetable now, I’m assuming I’ll see you at the canteen?”

 

“Jinhee?” The nurse turns and raises an eyebrow at Kihyun. “Can I not do anything today?”

 

“We’ll understand if you don’t feel like you can do anything. I can tell the doctor to push everything a day back for you if you’d like. But today, you’ll have to do a couple of check-ups before we can prove that Hoseok can stay with you.”

 

“But what if I don’t want _Hoseok_ to stay with me? Can I just do badly for these tests?”

 

“Sorry, Kihyun. But the fact that you can come up with an idea like that already proves that you’re fine to stay with the rest. Now, let me just check something.” The nurse grabs Kihyun’s arm and Kihyun draws back for a moment, then he realizes what she was trying to do. She pulls up his sleeves and flips his wrists around. “You’re clean. You’re clean here, at least. Let me ask you a question, and you have to answer me honestly.”

 

“Do you self-harm? If you do, tell me where you do it.” Kihyun frowns. “Do I…have to tell you?”

 

The nurse nods sternly and Kihyun sighs. “Here…” He lifts the left side of his shorts a little to show the nurse a mix of half healed wounds and scars. On the right, there were fresh wounds from two nights ago. She can’t know that his condition was apparently _that_ bad. Are doctors and nurses even supposed to ask their patients that straight up? Isn’t that a little insensitive?

 

“Right side too.” She seems to read Kihyun’s mind. Kihyun shakes his head. “It’s the same.”

 

The look on Jinhee’s face obviously says that she didn’t believe him, but she let it go anyway. “Okay. I’m just going to add that self-harmers aren’t allowed to stay alone, so Hoseok will have to move in here then.” Whose idea was that? It was dumb. The system at this place was dumb and Kihyun hates it. “When is he moving?”

 

“Depends. Either tonight or tomorrow morning. All we have to do is make sure that Hoseok doesn’t stay in that ward alone for any longer. He’s probably affected by Minkyun’s… departure. That ward has to be quarantined now, we don’t allow our patients to stay in suicide rooms. Actually, if you’re already fine now, we can bring you for your first check-up. You up for that?” Kihyun nods. He wants to get everything done with so that he can rest for the rest of the day.

 

 

 

The doctor’s voice breaks the silence in the room, a doctor that is not doctor Seo Jungho. This doctor talked properly, unlike Seo Jungho. His tag read Jeon Donghyuk. He had his hands in his big white coat, ushering Kihyun into a chair in front of him. This doctor does not have any equipment like a thermometer or needles, but he does have a stethoscope. His leads Kihyun to the chair and Kihyun obeys him, sitting down softly.

 

“Now, Kihyun. First question, why are you here?” Kihyun shrugs.

 

“I’ll tell you this. You’re here because you’re going to get your anxiety disorder fixed.”

 

“Not because my parents want to get rid of me because they think I’m a huge burden?” Kihyun’s sudden speaking surprises doctor Jeon. He wavers a little. “Well, Jungho did tell me about your mother and what she says to you…”

 

“Do you have any problems at home?”

 

“No.”

 

“That was a rhetorical question. What are your problems at home?”

 

“I don’t have any problems. My parents don’t mind me if I stay in my room. My life is not exciting.”

 

“You’re here because you have a problem, Kihyun. We need you to tell us so we can help you.”

 

“Why do all of you people say that? I get it, I get it. Tell you so you can help me. But what can you help me with? Can you help me even if I tell you that my parents are the cause of my anxiety and depression or whatever you call it? Are you going to kill them for me? Can you heal all my wounds immediately?”

 

“Calm down. You need to be level-headed so we can discuss this. Of course we can’t heal all your wounds immediately. Have you ever had a wound that fixed itself right after it formed? That’s impossible. Things heal over time.”

 

“Then why do my things not heal?” Kihyun asks, choking on the last syllable. “Everyone is healing. Why do I still feel broken? It’s like they’re a sprain or a twist, and I’m a fractured bone, straight up broken. Can you fix this? Can anyone fix this?”

 

“I’m telling you, it’s possible. I’ve seen kids like you getting over their disorders and issues, and now they’re successful. Trust me on this, it is possible.”

 

“Then tell me! Tell me why it’s possible. I feel like everything’s impossible! Less than 24 hours here and I already feel like everybody hates me because I don’t know how to fucking talk!”

 

Doctor Jeon stands up and passes Kihyun a tissue. “First, calm down. Take deep breaths.” He guides his hands up and down, and Kihyun follows. “Second, you’ve got a lot of things cooped up inside you. You don’t have to tell me if you’re uncomfortable, but please at least give me something so I can help.”

 

“Can you help? Can you take my brain out and remove a part of it? Doctor, I want to believe you, but things don’t happen that way. A memory is a memory. It will forever be etched in my brain. I don’t think anyone can help.”

 

“We can help. I’m confident. I know it’s not easy to forget these things, they’re replaying over and over again in your head.” Kihyun nods. “We need to find a way to pause them. We can’t delete them, but we can put a pause button on them. Let’s be realistic, they still come back sometimes.” He pulls up his own sleeves, revealing a couple of scars all over his arms. “I was just like you. So let me help you.”

 

 

 

Kihyun walks out the therapy room with a slip of paper that he’s supposed to pass to nurse Kang and a wristband around his wrist that has his name on it. He also walks out with a lighter heart and a clearer brain. Things aren’t so cloudy anymore. He can finally breathe. Is this how _getting better_ feels like?

 

It isn’t, because once he returns to his own room, an extra bed is next to his. It had to be right next to his, because the room was too small for its own sake. He doesn’t want to sleep with a stranger next to him. Nurse Kang walks into the room immediately. Perfect timing. “Doctor asked me to pass you this…”

 

He passes her the slip and she reads it slowly before sighing. “Oh, Kihyun. It says here you’re diagnosed with depression and anxiety. We’ll know how to help you now.” Kihyun’s starting to hate the word ‘help’ a lot. “Since you’ve had your therapy, do you want to meet your group? They’re having a group session now.”

 

“What group?”

 

“Oh, the group that you’re going to work with. You guys will help each other get better and all that. You’re the 7th member of your group.”

 

“Oh, that’s fine. I just want to rest, I’m still tired.” Nurse Kang nods. “Are you hungry? You haven’t eaten at all upon your arrival here.” How does she know that? Kihyun shakes his head. “I have no appetite.”

 

He only loses his appetite when he’s anxious. Jinhee nods and walks out the room. Kihyun notices two pieces of paper stuck on the wall in front of the two beds. One read ‘Yoo Kihyun’, and the other read ‘Shin Hoseok’. That was their timetable. According to the timetable, Shin Hoseok is having group therapy now. Shin Hoseok has culinary class after this. Culinary class? A little strange, even for a rehabilitation center.

 

Yoo Kihyun is supposed to be having his group therapy now as well, and he has free time after that. He notices that visiting days were on Sundays. Great, like he still wanted to see his parents. For years, the only reason why he went home was because his bed was his heaven. That’s all.

 

It seems like everyone has packed schedules, because it’s been two hours and Kihyun still doesn’t see anyone in sight. He decides to go to sleep, because sleep is the only way Kihyun can run away from things for a short period of time.

 

Hours seem to fly by with ease, because it’s now dinner time and Kihyun’s a little hungry. His said roommate wasn’t even back yet, it seemed like he was trying to avoid Kihyun. Kihyun does notice some changes, though. The desk was packed up, and his things had arrived. Next to his bed, there’s a tray with a small carton of strawberry milk, a milk bun and a packet of chips. Jinhee had sent them. He tears the carton open and empties it in a matter of seconds. He finishes the bun too, and leaves the chips. He’s never liked heaty foods like chips.

 

He throws the wrappers in the dustbin, attempting to shoot them in the bin from the distance of his bed. He fails miserably and grumbles to himself when he has to stand up to throw them away properly. He notices something, the notebook that Jinhee had passed to him the day before. He picks it up and flips through the empty pages. He was still tired, but he wanted to spill a little. He grabs a pencil and pens down all his thoughts, starting from his parents sending him to the rehabilitation center to him having a new roommate on his first actual day.

 

“Have you been eating well?” A female voice rings out from outside the door, then a couple of footsteps could be heard. “Yes, I have. Thank you, nurse Min.” A male voice replies. Kihyun puts the notebook aside and pretends be asleep, because, well, the doorknob’s being twisted open. Was that his new roommate? He peeks out from the sheets slowly. There he was, head full of blonde hair. The blonde guy in the toilets the day before. The one that looks like he could beat anyone up.

 

He notices Kihyun in his bed and snickers softly to himself. “Damn it. I wanted to actually get to know my roommate but he’s asleep.” Kihyun draws the sheets a little nearer to himself. He wants to talk to his roommate too. Kihyun wants to get to know Hoseok if he was actually interested in Kihyun’s life as well. Kihyun sighs silently, he’s on the fence to whether he should tell Hoseok he’s awake or to continue pretending that he’s asleep.

 

He hears the other boy let out a small sigh before jumping into his bed. “You aren’t awake… but still I want to talk. Anyway, I didn’t know why or how Minkyun managed to kill himself. He’s always been so positive about helping each other, I never thought that someone like him could possibly bring himself to do that. He’s been hurting a lot, I guess. And he only cared about everyone else but himself. I wish he told us sooner that he was feeling this way. Or he could’ve told his therapist. He was pretty close to doctor Kim.”

 

“Anyway, today during group, nurse Kang told us that the new guy, also known as, well, you, are in our therapy group. Congrats, you’re in the best therapy group with the coolest people,” Hoseok laughs to himself, and Kihyun notices how his voice sounds raspier when he laughs than when he talked. “I got so many things done today. You’re still uncomfortable, but I hope you got whatever you wanted to get done. Goodnight. We have group first thing tomorrow, so I can’t wait to see your face with your eyes open and all.”

 

Kihyun wants to laugh – he thought that he would be productive that day but he didn’t even have the guts to try to find the person talking to him in the toilet the night before. Hoseok seems like a nice guy, maybe he’ll be the only other person besides the nurses and the doctors that Kihyun will talk to.

 

 

 

_Kihyun’s back home for some reason. Back in his family home. He exits his room to see his parents sitting on a mat and drinking tea. His older brother is nowhere to be found. “Dad? Mom? Where’s hyung? I thought he was visting today.”_

_“Where’s hyung?” His dad snorts. “Your brother doesn’t care about you, Kihyun. He doesn’t care about this family! He’s gone out and gotten himself a wife. He’s living a happy life without us.”_

_“But hyung promised…”_  
  


_“All he does is break his promises.”_

_“It’s because you’re mean to him!”_

_“No, I’m just trying to set him right. Just like how I failed to do so with you! You’re all failures.” Kihyun doesn’t know why his dad was getting so worked up. “No, dad, please. I just came out find hyung but since he’s not here… never mind.”_

_“Never mind? All you do is coop yourself up in that room! Do you have nothing that you want to do in your life? Besides your stupid dream of being a singer. Why did you even buy that fucking piano?”_

_Kihyun’s father had major anger issues, and he doesn’t know why he’s the one being sent to rehab. “I’m sorry…”_

_“I’m sorry? That’s all you can say?”_

_“I won’t… coop myself up in my room.” The reason why he coops himself up in his room is because he is afraid of his father. They say you need a father figure in your life. Kihyun sure as hell did not want to be like his father. “You said that the last time too. And you still did so. You know what?”_

_His father stands up roughly, knocking the table down and the two teacups off. “I said I’m sorry! And I promise that I won’t do that again!”_

_“You lie all the time.” Kihyun steps back as his father approaches him. The man storms right past Kihyun and looks around his room. There it is. “This thing is the reason why you’re always stuck in your room, right?” He points at the keyboard. Kihyun looks down._

_“If you don’t tell me, I’ll fucking break it!”_

_“No, no it isn’t!” Kihyun screams. Where is his mother? Why isn’t she stopping him? “And of course, you’re lying again!”_

_He picks the keyboard up, Kihyun’s eyes following his hands in horror. “No… please don’t.”_

_Too late. His father smashes the keyboard onto the ground, and it breaks into pieces. It was a mess. “I fucking saved for half a year to buy that!”_

_“You dare to fucking swear at me? You have big guts, young man.” His father seethes in anger, kicking the pieces aside. “Do you not have respect?”_

_“No, do you not have respect for me?” Kihyun cries. “You’re always venting your anger on me! I haven’t done anything wrong to you! I tried so hard to save up for that, and you… you…”_

_The man’s eyes are menacing. Dangerous. He storms right up to Kihyun to give him a hard blow to the left side of his face. Kihyun’s cheek stings, and he grabs on to it. His father had never gotten physical with him. “I’m always venting on you, because you’re useless. A fucking waste. Nothing’s going to happen to you because you don’t do anything, so I can vent on you all I want. What do you even know about trying?”_

_Kihyun doesn’t know why but a voice in his head tells him to run. So he runs. Out of the house, his cheek red and eyes teary. He doesn’t notice that he’s crying until a teardrop flies to the back of his hand._

_So now he’s running, running away from his father, mother, and everyone he knew. He tastes blood in his mouth, and somehow that doesn’t affect him as much as it should._

_He’s useless. He’s a waste of space. His heart races from running, but mostly, it was the fear. Kihyun runs, and he doesn’t stop. His heart clenches. His head feels light._

_He can’t think. Nothing makes sense. Everything was out to get him._

_He’s panicking now. He doesn’t know where he is. Is this not his neighborhood?_

_Everything’s a blur._

_Wake up._

_Wake up._


	2. PART II: GUILTY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kihyun is trying to warm up to things here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING FOR SELF HARM IN THIS CHAPTER!!!
> 
> please be careful while reading! thank you for reading :^)))

“Wake up!” An unfamiliar voice rings in his right ear. “Wake up, breathe. Breathe now, deep breaths.” Kihyun doesn’t know what’s happening but he clenches his fists and breathes as stably as he could. His entire body was shaking. “Shh, whatever happened is a dream and it won’t happen again, you hear me?” Kihyun still can’t see, but he can feel his head pressed against someone else’s chest. God, they were warm. “Be quiet, you’re okay now.”

 

His heart was threatening to beat right out his chest, and he can feel the constant pounding on himself. It felt like his heart was going to explode.. His arms and legs are numb, and tears fall out of his eyes uncontrollably. He let a drop or two fall onto his new roommate’s shirt, but no one had to know.

 

He remains in the stranger’s arms, sobbing and panting loudly. Not how he expected to spend his second night here. “You okay?” The stranger looks down at him and Kihyun looks up for the first time. Crying that much made his eyes blurry but he could clearly see Hoseok’s face. “Did you have a bad dream?” He asks with Kihyun still in his arms. Kihyun nods. He feels like a baby, like he’s at the stage where he’s still unable to do anything.

 

Kihyun has his ear pressed against Hoseok’s chest, and he can hear the other’s heartbeat. That alone soothes him, and gives him something to follow with his breathing. He was getting more and more stable by the moment, his normal thoughts all returning to him. Now it feels a little weird, though comforting, being pressed up on the chest of someone that he didn’t really know.

 

He still doesn’t feel like he’s in his own body although Hoseok is instructing him to breathe. Just great, the first night with his new roommate and he gets a bad dream. Kihyun feels useless, like a newborn baby, cradled in Hoseok’s arms. He wipes a tear off his cheek before breaking out of Hoseok’s tight grip. “I’m… thank you.”

 

Hoseok smiles. “I get those too, when I have to deal with heights. I’m really bad with heights.” Kihyun is surprised at the fact that someone who seemed so tough was afraid of heights. Not that Kihyun himself wasn’t afraid of heights either. “Kihyun, right?” Hoseok asks. Kihyun nods, not looking up at the other. “I’ll understand if you don’t want to look me in the eye and talk. Nurse Kang said that people like you tend to have difficulties speaking to others.”

 

People like him. He glances up at Hoseok, and they make eye contact before Kihyun breaks it in a second. What was Hoseok in here for? He seemed pretty contained at most times, cheerful even. Was he dangerous? Kihyun can’t help but to think that. “Thank you for… this.”

 

“No worries. You should probably go back to sleep now, since tomorrow’s going to be a long day. Well, unless you decide to sleep it off again.” Hoseok replies, lying back on the hospital bed. “Hoseok?” Kihyun says with much difficultly, his throat still feels stuck. Hoseok turns around and raises an eyebrow. “Yes?”

 

“Why do you not seem bothered by your roommate leaving?” Hoseok snorts a little and Kihyun is worried that he’s said the wrong thing. Surprisingly, the other does not react badly to the question. Or at least, he didn’t get angry. “Well, people die all the time. People leave all the time. It’s about time I get used to that. Can I be honest? Minkyun was so fucking stupid to end his life by overdosing, overdosing is painful. I thought he would hang himself, I so I didn’t think much when I didn’t hear any shuffling in the middle of the night. We all knew that he was already on his edge, and it was my job to make sure he doesn’t do stupid things. Well, I failed.”

 

“You didn’t,” Kihyun replies timidly, and Hoseok looks at him expectantly. “I didn’t? I didn’t fail when I was right next to him but I didn’t stop him from killing himself?”

 

“You’ve made him happy before, right? If you’ve helped him feel happiness within his depression, you’ve helped.”

 

“You know, for someone who doesn’t speak, you sure make a whole lot of sense. Thank you, new roommate who’s had a panic attack on the second night. You have to tell your therapist about this later, okay?” Kihyun nods.

 

The idea of having a friend makes Kihyun’s heart slightly warmer again.

 

The day flies by too quickly, because Kihyun spent most of it sleeping. He doesn’t go to therapy at all, despite Jinhee’s protests.

 

 

 

The next morning was the same, minus the panic attack. Kihyun wakes up first but Hoseok offers him to go to breakfast together.

 

He regrets saying yes to going down for breakfast, because one thing about breakfast, was that there were way too many people for it to be a calm and slow breakfast like he enjoyed. It was the exact opposite from that. But Hoseok doesn’t seem to mind, so Kihyun follows behind him, looking down at Hoseok’s feet and following them. “That’s the new guy, right?” He hears whispers and muttering exchanged by the other guests at the rehabilitation center. They were talking about him, and he feels slightly uncomfortable.

 

The only time he got attention at home is when his father was angry and yelling at him – but Kihyun doesn’t want to talk about that now. “Kihyun, meet your therapy group.” Hoseok sits him down right in the center, and Kihyun’s eyes widen. On his left, an empty seat which is where Hoseok’s supposed to be sitting. Further down, a boy with white blonde hair sits and smiles at him. On his right sits a boy with dark hair and a perplexed expression. Opposite him sits three people, one overly buff person whose face was cuter than Kihyun expected, another with small eyes and a permanent smile that makes his eyes disappear even more, and a solemn looking boy that had a bruise on his right cheekbone, a split lip and was extremely skinny.

 

Hoseok jumps into the chair right next to Kihyun, smiling at the other as he does so. “Introduce yourselves.”

 

The white haired boy pipes up almost immediately. “I’m Minhyuk!”

 

“Changkyun.” The perplexed looking boy looks over to him intensly before breaking his façade. “My name is Im Changkyun!”

 

“Stop that, Changkyun. You’re going to scare him.” The white haired boy, Minhyuk laughs. “I’m Hyunwoo.” The buff one smiles. Kihyun nods in acknowledgment. “I’m Jooheon,” the smiling boy adds, the smile still on his face. “I have like, killer aegyo. Freakin’ amazing.”

 

“No, don’t do it. You’re going to scare him away, you fool.” The solemn looking one speaks up before Jooheon turns his fingers into a ‘V’ shape. “I’m Hyungwon.” The way he spoke made him sound as if he had difficulties speaking. Maybe the cut on his lip was the reason why he doesn’t speak that clearly. Kihyun decides that he likes all of them, including Hoseok. But why did they think that he’d be scared of them?

 

“What’s up with your face?” Hoseok asks Hyungwon, looking up from his food. “Oh, pretty embrassing story. I kind of tripped over my own feet, so…” Hyungwon admits with a foolish grin on his face, scratching the back of his head. The one called Minhyuk snorts.

 

So there Kihyun sits, slightly overwhelmed but he still listens closely while the others are having a conversation about something that Minhyuk did. He looks over at Hoseok, who looks like he has a problem with swallowing his food. Kihyun wants to tell him to drink more water if he had a sore throat, but he feels like he’d sound way too bossy if he did. Hyungwon picks at his food gently but somehow manages to flick a bit off his plate, causing Minhyuk to complain.

 

After breakfast, Kihyun follows the rest of his group to the group therapy room. Of course he was nervous, he still doesn’t know anyone well enough to confide in them. He’s afraid that they’ll find him strange or unfriendly because he never talked. As much as Kihyun didn’t want the rest of them to know, he secretly wishes that Jinhee had told them the reason why he was here. He just didn’t want to seem like an asshole for no reason.

 

Kihyun has way too many worries, right? He himself admits it, and he’s even annoyed by them. He just wants to get well and get out of this place. He doesn’t want anything. He wants to help himself, but it’s as if part of his brain wasn’t under his control anymore. Sometimes he doesn’t know what he’s saying or even doing. Is that dangerous?

 

Kihyun notices that he’s lost in thought when a single hand is waved in front of his face, and he flinches a little. “Oh, I’m sorry Kihyun, but you were heading to the wrong direction,” Minhyuk chuckles a little and Kihyun scratches the back of his head, embarrassed. “Thanks, I was just… thinking.”

 

“Come on!” Minhyuk pulls him into the room, grabbing on his wrist. “We all want to get to know you better!” Kihyun wonders what a person like Minhyuk was doing here. He seemed to cheerful to be someone that stays in a rehabilitation center, but Kihyun shouldn’t assume so soon. The boy probably had problems of his own too. Minhyuk pulls him into a circle with the rest of them. He sits Kihyun down onto a spot between himself and the thin boy. Hyungwon was his name. Hyungwon flashes the tiniest smile at him and Kihyun looks away hurriedly. He wasn’t confident enough about his own smile to smile back at the boy. Wasn’t he childish?

 

“Hello, Kihyun. I’m your group therapist, Choi Seyoung. You can call me Seyoung. Just Seyoung.” Kihyun nods, but he still doesn’t look at the man. “Come on, let’s introduce ourselves to Kihyun. You first, Hoseok. We’ll go down the circle. It may be sensitive but please tell him why you’re here too.”

 

Kihyun looks up at Seyoung while he’s speaking. The man never stopped smiling, and it got on Kihyun’s nerves a little. Hoseok didn’t mind to share at all. “My name’s Shin Hoseok. Of course, everybody knows that.” Jooheon rolls his eyes and tells him to hurry up, Hoseok glaring back at him jokingly. “I’m here because of my…” He hesistates a little, and his eyes say that he didn’t want to talk about the reason why he’s there. Kihyun feels responsible for Hoseok being uncomfortable, for they had to talk about their disorders again because Kihyun was there.

 

Part of Kihyun wants to tell Hoseok that it’s fine if he doesn’t feel comfortable sharing, but once Hoseok’s eyes meet Kihyun’s for the second time ever, he starts speaking again. “I’m here because of my eating disorder. I eat food, and I… force it back out.” Kihyun already had it figured out, there were many telltale signs. Hoseok’s raspy voice, his difficulty eating, the bruises on his knuckles and the day before when he was in the bathroom.

 

Things start to get less awkward by then, Kihyun learns that Hyunwoo was there because of his drug addiction, which he honestly could not imagine. “Can you imagine this guy was a crackhead!” Changkyun adds, Minhyuk snickering loudly at Hyunwoo’s blank reaction. “He’s so well already, he’ll be getting out of here soon. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing but I’ll surely miss him.” Minhyuk hugs Hyunwoo from the back and Hyunwoo sighs, patting Minhyuk’s arm lightly while Seyoung ‘aw’s at the two.

 

“I’m here because I’m bipolar.” Jooheon smiles. “Like, one moment I’m happy and cute, and the next moment I’m very angry! But still cute, of course. I’m pretty stable though, since I take mood stabilizers from time to time.” Kihyun laughs, he wishes that he could get medication soon too. He also learns that Minhyuk has a paranoid personality disorder, and apparently he doesn’t trust anybody but their group and his personal therapist. “There was a period of time I had this dream where I got out of my house and something bad happened, so I didn’t leave my house for three weeks straight. My mother thought I was going insane or dead, which is why I’m here.”

 

“I guess the moral of my story is to not be naïve, since trusting others too much since young has led to this,” Minhyuk sighs softly. Kihyun really didn’t think that he’d be that bad.

 

“I’m Im Changkyun. Chronic depression.” Changkyun states simply. “Got really bad when my dog died and everyone in my family acted like nothing happened. I had the choice to let it go for surgery but I refused because I was afraid she would die because of it. But she died anyway. I felt guilty. I’m getting better now, though. Now, I only have some down days. I put my sadness into writing music, just like Jooheon and Hoseok.” 

 

“I’m Hyungwon. I’m umm… I’m anorexic. I’m…” Hyungwon pauses awkwardly and places a hand on the floor. “I became like this because I was a model and I felt that I wasn’t good enough. It got bad, and I was admitted into this place. Yeah.”

 

Kihyun could’ve figured out that Hoseok was a model from his face and extremely distinct features, his large eyes, small nose and plump lips. He was really attractive, there was no denying it. He doesn’t know why someone like Hyungwon expects so much from himself, he’s only human, and it’s impossible to be a perfect human being. Even Hyungwon was already pretty close to perfect in terms of his appearance. Except for his body. He needed to put on more weight to look healthy again.

 

“Along the way, I kind of got depressed too, I guess. Instead of eating or going out I spent most of my time sleeping. Other than that the only time I went out was to go to the agency.”

 

“And you, Kihyun?” Seyoung looks at him expectantly and Kihyun’s eyes widen. “Kihyun?”

 

He was not prepared for this, he wasn’t prepared at all. Seyoung said nothing about introducing himself at all, so Kihyun didn’t think much of it. “Kihyun? You don’t have to share so much. Just a brief introduction. No pressure.” No pressure? Kihyun was feeling an immense amount of pressure, it was weighing right down on him and he scratches his arm nervously. “I… uh…”

 

Seyoung has an eyebrow raised and he’s nodding his head in understanding as if to make Kihyun speak more. Jinhee didn’t tell Seyoung about his anxiety?

 

“Seyoung, I think he’s anxious. Don’t force an answer out of him if he isn’t willing.” Hoseok speaks up softly and Seyoung sits back down. “You’re right, Hoseok. I should’ve made sure he was comfortable as well. It’s his first time here anyways, so we should give him some space and time before he can speak to us comfortably.”

 

“For now, I’ll do it. His name is Kihyun, and he suffers from anxiety and depression. He’s not good with speaking to people, and he gets anxious, because obviously, he has anxiety.” Hoseok says, looking right at Kihyun. “Nurse Kang Jinhee told me to help him if he was having difficulties speaking to the rest. He isn’t anti-social, he just doesn’t dare and know how to talk to people the ‘right’ way, though there is no right way. He’s afraid of your opinions because he knows nothing about all of you and vice-versa.”

 

By the time he’s done, Seyoung looks shocked at how Hoseok knows so much, so was Kihyun. Everyone looks at the boy in disbelief and awe. “What? I just know how to read people.”

 

Reading people? What if Hoseok could read that Kihyun may be a little amazed by him?

 

 

 

“Read me too!” Jooheon pushes himself towards Hoseok at the end of the group therapy. It went way better than Kihyun had expected, Seyoung didn’t push him to speak if he didn’t want to. Instead, he spends most of the time listening to the others and learning about their troubles and achievements. “I can read you. You’re an idiot.” Hoseok laughs, ruffling Jooheon’s hair. “Hey!” Jooheon pouts.

 

“Stop acting like a kid, Jooheon. We all know the real kid here in is Minhyuk,” Hyungwon snorts while MInhyuk threatens to kick him. For a moment, just for a moment, it felt as if they were _normal_ kids. Normal kids that didn’t hate themselves or didn’t have thoughts that are dangerous. Normal kids that don’t feel like killing themselves.

 

Having company is really great, Kihyun decides. He then remembers something from the back of his head, from two long nights ago. The voice that introduced him to this place. None of the kids in his therapy group had that exact shrill voice, none of the people that he’s met so far had a voice like that either. Maybe he should ask someone, Hoseok was the most approachable. But Changkyun and Minhyuk both seemed to know the most people out of all of them.

 

“Alright, we’re dismissed today. We had a really productive session thanks to Kihyun!” Seyoung claps his hands while Jooheon and Minhyuk cheer loudly. “Kihyun!” Changkyun pumps a fist up in the air and Kihyun moves his hand to cover his mouth, giggling uncontrollably at the younger. Out of all of them, though often quiet, Changkyun seemed to have the best sense of humor. Or maybe Kihyun just understood his sense. But it was good to Kihyun. “What do you have next? I can bring you there.” Hoseok meets right in front of the door.

 

“Oh, I don’t know… I think I’m free till lunch.” Kihyun replies slowly, voice cracking a little. His voice was not warmed up at all, since he barely spoke. “Free till lunch? Great! I can show you around then. This place looks kind of tiny but in reality, it’s huge. Follow me!” Hoseok grabs him by the arm, and Kihyun watches the rest of them as Hoseok drags him away. Minhyuk’s laughing and Jooheon’s staring right back at him, confused. “Bye!” Hoseok casually waves to the rest of them. Kihyun shakes his head a little.

 

“Where are we going?”

 

“It’s a surprise, but I really like the place.” Hoseok replies, slowing down a little so that Kihyun can follow comfortably. “Okay, I’ll trust you.”

 

“You trust me?” Hoseok raises an eyebrow. Oh shit, did Kihyun just say the wrong thing? Kihyun looks over at the other and he looks satisfied, a smile that seems permanent plastered on his face. “I trust you too.”

 

Hoseok pulls Kihyun into the elevator and presses the highest level, tapping his foot on the floor while waiting for the elevator to reach it. Where was Hoseok taking him? Kihyun still trusted him to not throw him off the building or something like that. “This place is really ironic. It’s pretty as hell but boarded up because they’re scared of people commiting suicide by jumping off the building,” Hoseok starts when the lift doors open to show plenty of wooden boards.

 

“But, I’m scared of heights so these boards make it able for me to be on this place. It’s incredibly safe, I come up here to clear my mind if I ever need to.”

 

“You’re scared of heights?” Kihyun asks. “Yeah, why?”

 

“Nothing. Me too.”

 

Kihyun’s not just scared of heights, he’s scared of most things. Like, for example, he’s on the roof right now, alone with his roommate and he’s afraid of screwing up Hoseok’s feelings for him. “I’m not weird,” he tries to send a telepathic message to Hoseok. Well, many that was a little weird. “What are your fears?” Hoseok asks, fliddling with his own fingers while motioning for Kihyun to sit next to him on a bench on the rooftop.

 

“Oh, I can’t list all of them. It’ll take hours.” Kihyun admits, and Hoseok beams at him. “Just a brief summary, like what Seyoung says” Hoseok turns back over to him with a reassuring look in his eyes and Kihyun nods, this is the first time he’s giving in so much to another person. “I’m scared of heights, roller coasters, bugs-”, Kihyun’s about to continue, but the bell rings. “Wow, time flew so much.” Hoseok looks disappointed. Kihyun’s more surprised that his place had bells.

 

“It’s alright, we can talk again.” Kihyun nods back at him and Hoseok smiles. “Yeah, since we’re roommates and practically live with each other.”

 

“Let’s go for therapy now. I’ll meet you during dinner.”

 

 

 

“So, Kihyun. Did you have any problems with your family?” The therapist asks. Kihyun doesn’t know where doctor Jeon Donghyuk went, and he doesn’t like the new therapist. He has scary huge eyes, not nice and normal big eyes like Minhyuk. He has a strangely out of proportioned nose which seems a little strange, and Kihyun considers asking him if he went for surgery. Kihyun shakes his head. “Where’s doctor Jeon?”

 

“He’s taking someone else. I’ll be taking you now. Oh dear, I forgot to introduce myself too. I’m doctor Jung Kyungwon. I’ll be taking you now.” Kihyun is inflicted. He didn’t want any other doctor to take him besides doctor Jeon. But it’s rude to just tell someone that you didn’t want them. “So, did you have any problems?”

 

“Not at all.” Kihyun replies flatly and the man looks at him curiously. “Then do you know what’s the cause of all these illnesses? Were you bullied at school?”

 

How it all started? It was fine, he was good for a long period of time. Then his father came back from jail unchanged, he came back unexpectedly, causing the only support in his life, his brother to leave him. His mother turned against him once the man was out of jail. Instead of taking his side, she doesn’t say anything. Even if it’s obvious that his father is in the wrong.

 

_Kihyun gets a call from his mother to cook dinner for the family, so he does while they were both out. His older brother, Jihyun, was there to help too. The kitchen timer rings and Kihyun stops it, turning off the fire for the bean paste soup. Jihyun tastes it and looks amazed. “Kihyun, this is like… incredible, where did you learn to cook like this?”_

_“I watched mom,” Kihyun replies, smiling at his brother who was staring at him in awe. Soon they were done, and Jihyun was back in his own room. Kihyun sits at the dining table, resting his head in his hands. He doesn’t know how long it took for him to doze off, but he falls asleep eventually._

_A crash sound wakes Kihyun right up, it came from the door. Jihyun peeks his head out from the door frame. It was their father, and their mother following behind. “Yoo Kihyun.” He states as Kihyun rubs his eyes to try to see what’s actually happening. “Yoo Kihyun! I’m talking to you!” the man shouts. Kihyun stands up immediately._

_“Yes, dad.”_

_“What is this?” He throws a book on the floor. His school report book. He then picks it up again. “Look at the recent one. You failed three subjects!”_

_“But it’s fine, dad. The school I want to go to has accepted me.”_

_“What shitty school do you want to go to? The music one? I’m sorry, no, I’m not sorry. Music will never fucking get you anywhere in your life!”_

_Kihyun looks up at his mother. She had expressed her support when he told her about the school that he wanted to go to in private, but she wasn’t saying much now. Why wasn’t she speaking? “I know it will if I try hard enough!” Kihyun cries. “Bullshit! What do you even know about trying hard?”_

_Jihyun looks terrified, he motions for Kihyun to stop talking. But Kihyun doesn’t stop. He needed his father to get it in his head that he was going to that school no matter how much he opposed to it. “I know about trying hard! I try hard every day to get out of your sight and not on your nerves, but no matter how hard I try, you always seem to find a way around it!” Kihyun has never been so honest with his dad. Jihyun is motioning to Kihyun aggressively now._

_“It’s because you’re not trying hard enough! Your shitty performance is causing you this!”_

_“It’s not because of that! It’s because you find sick pleasure in torturing your children!” Bam. The report book flies to the side of his face and Kihyun can already feel the top of his cheekbone bruising, and his cheek bleeding. He looks over to his mother. She wasn’t saying anything._

_“Why aren’t you saying anything?” He points towards her and Kihyun’s father seethes in anger. “You dare to talk to your mother like that?”_

_“What did you do to her?” Kihyun shouts, and the man pulls Kihyun up from the chair by his collar. “Watch your mouth, young man.” He pushes Kihyun to the floor._

_“If you don’t get an A for everything by the next exam, I’m kicking you out of this house.”_

_Kihyun doesn’t know if getting kicked out would be good or bad for him. But right now, it’s looking good._

_Nobody ate dinner that night._

Kihyun doesn’t realize that he’s crying until doctor Jung pushes the tissue box towards him and a tear rolls down his cheek and drops on the back of his hand. He pulls out a tissue and dries his eyes. “Well, Kihyun. I think we’re done for today. You go head to your room and get some rest, maybe something to eat.”

 

He allows Kihyun out with a sympathetic smile on his face, and Kihyun walks back to his room with a rolled up tissue in hand and his brain a little fuzzy. But instead of entering his room, he walks down the hall into the bathrooms. Kihyun doesn’t know why but he’s subconsciously walking down to the room, the room where he first met Hoseok and the voice. He didn’t even need to use the toilets. If he had too, he would’ve just used the one in his room.

 

The bathroom was completely empty, no one was taking a shower, and they all had the privacy of their rooms to cry. He looks up, feeling a tad bit nauseous but mostly, dazed. Something shiny catches his eyes and Kihyun walks towards it, curious. It was a blade. It was someone’s shaver. “Don’t do it,” a voice plays in his head. Jihyun’s voice. Kihyun knows he’s letting people down by doing this, but being in this new place was overwhelming for him. He really needed to unwind.

 

But what about Jinhee? What about Jihyun? What about Hoseok? What about the few people that actually care for him? Kihyun doesn’t really care. He still feels as if he’s stuck in this place without anyone he really knows, just a couple of sad kids that he didn’t know if he could even trust. Out of everything, he misses Jihyun the most. It’s been three days in this place, and three months without Jihyun, his only support.

 

Brothers are supposed to be there for each other, but Jihyun left. Before this place, Kihyun’s only support was Jihyun and he just selfishly left, breaking contact with Kihyun for months. Those three months caused Kihyun’s health to deteriorate, it caused more bruises and cuts. And from what he can assume, Jihyun didn’t care either. No one cares, now that Kihyun thinks about it deeply. Might as well do it even if he might ruin some relationships.

 

Of course, he wasn’t ready to kill himself yet because he was a coward, and because of the small sense of hope that stays with him no matter what. For convenience’s sake, he pulls up the long sleeve of his sweater to his left wrist and drags it along his arm. He grins a little when he finally feels the sharp pain shoot through his arm. Once he started, he couldn’t bring himself to stop until he thinks a little. It’s pretty obvious if he’s going to have so many cuts. He wasn’t going to let himself worry others again.

 

So he throws the blood-stained blade on the ground, feeling satisfied, but guilty as hell. As much as he hated the fact that he’d just relapsed and had one of his worst breakdowns in a couple of weeks, the sense of accomplishment floods over him. He loves the fact that this relieves the pain he’s going through in his brain. Even this was better than keeping the storm in his brain. He loves that he can feel actual pain, because sometimes he just feels like he’s on autopilot. Oh, how sick and twisted.

 

He’s still in a bit of a daze when he slowly walks back to his room, his eyes looking straight and legs shaking a little. He opens the door with his right hand, shutting it with the heel of his foot. Great. He feels great, it feels as if he’s a little tipsy even. He missed the feeling of being the one under control of his own pain, and not others, though it’s only been a couple of days. Kihyun guesses he never learns.

 

He glances at the timetables for a while, and Hoseok has his weight check next. Kihyun sighs. Why was someone like Hoseok hurting himself like that? He didn’t need to be perfect for anyone else. He’s already enough. Kihyun can’t ever imagine someone as likeable and outgoing as Hoseok ever forcing fingers down his own throat. He can’t imagine someone like Minhyuk getting anxious at everything either, since Minhyuk seemed to always be so bright and loud.

 

He launches himself face-first into the bed, and sighs loudly into his rock hard pillow that was provided by the center. Kihyun feels a little tired, so he lets himself take a little nap, or maybe he’ll let himself sleep the entire day off.

 

 

 

“Sleeping again?” Kihyun is woken when Hoseok enters the room with a smile plastered on his face. What a perfect smile. “Yeah, I’ve been really tired recently,” he fakes a yawn. “That better be the reason why you’re sleeping so much. Sleep may sound like the perfect way to run away from your problems but they’ll never ever go away until you chase them.” Kihyun nods at this – the other boy did make sense. But Kihyun didn’t have enough self-control to get his own mind to do whatever he wanted it to do.

 

He had such a good sleep that he had forgotten entirely what had happened during the day, like the therapy session and his relapse. But none of those things had to be remembered because Kihyun’s with Hoseok now, and Hoseok is safe.

 

“Thank you for caring,” Kihyun smiles at the boy. Hoseok seemed to lift Kihyun’s mood whenever he was around. “Sure, it’s my job to care for someone as cute as you. Hey, you’re looking at me right in the eyes.” Hoseok is way too excited by a trivial matter, but Kihyun laughs along anyway. Hoseok just called him cute. It’s been a while since he’s last heard compliments, and it sure as hell feels good.

 

“We just had supper, you hungry?” Hoseok asks. Kihyun shakes his head. His appetite really has been getting worse. “Wow, how do you not eat? Teach me.” Hoseok laughs, placing down a bottle of water. “You may get thirsty though, so remember to drink this. Remember to try to eat too even if you don’t have the appetite to. Eating is super important.”

 

“I’m going to go brush my teeth now, want to come with?” Hoseok motions for the door and Kihyun nods. For some strange reason, they had to keep their toothbrushes in the main toilet and they weren’t allowed to keep it in the toilet in their rooms. Maybe it was because the sink was too tiny to even fit one person. They exit the room together and met Changkyun on the way there.

 

“Hey Changkyun,” Hoseok greets the younger and Kihyun flashes a small smile at him. Changkyun smiles back with a mischievous grin on his face, making the other two laugh and Kihyun almost forgot what had happened that afternoon. That is, after he pulls his long sleeves up to make sure they don’t get wet while washing his hands. Oh dear god. He really hopes that none of them notice it.

 

This was the fastest he’s ever brushed his teeth, he usually would take his time to make sure that they were all clean. He hurriedly brushes his teeth to the degree where his gums bled a little. “You have to be more gentle,” Changkyun laughs at the elder and Kihyun fakes a small laugh as well, spitting the toothpaste out and rinsing his mouth almost at the speed of light. “I like to get things done fast.” He makes up an excuse while pulling his left sleeve down, then his right.

 

Changkyun waves them goodbye with his towel and Hoseok’s still brushing his teeth. Kihyun stands next to the boy, watching his every move. Hoseok spits out the toothpaste. “Wow, you sure do love staring at me,” he laughs and Kihyun looks away immediately. “Rinse your mouth.” Kihyun replies, filling up the mug and shoving it to Hoseok who laughs again in response, but he follows anyway.

 

It was when they both enter the room Hoseok speaks again. “Do you like the therapy group? They’re my closest friends in this place.” Hoseok asks as he turns off the main light and walks blindly to his bed. Kihyun cringes a little when the bed creaks, because god does he hate the sound of things creaking. “Yeah, I do.”

 

“Do you want to know more about them?” Hoseok half-whispers. They had to keep their volumes down because the walls were extremely thin in this place, and all you can hear in the middle of the night are the sobs of the people admitted here. The residents will get used to it from time to time, and then eventually. “Yeah, sure.”

 

“I’ll tell you about Hyunwoo first. Starting from the oldest. Hyunwoo was always just overlooked by his parents, being the middle child. His family didn’t do anything bad to him, but they mostly just ignored him. Because of that, he turned to bad company and informed no one about it. He felt like no one would care if he did, and since it made him feel happier and lighter, he got into drugs. Like, straight up addicted. I wasn’t here before him but he was pretty bad when he was admitted by his family. But now, he’s as good as perfect.”

 

“Now, Minhyuk. That boy,” Hoseok sighs, and Kihyun understands a little. “He’s had severe anxiety and paranoia for his mother after his dad left – separation anxiety if I were to be more specific. He used to cry and panic when his mother went out late in the night, and get worried when she wasn’t back home by her usual time. It’s only two of them in the house and he cares about her safety the most, so when he got that bad dream he mentioned, he didn’t let her out of the house to the point that she thought he was going insane and tried to talk some sense into him. I wonder how he’s doing now, since he’s apart from his mother. But she comes during visiting day every week to check on Minhyuk and Minhyuk’s more than happy to see her all the time.”

 

“Hyungwon…” Hoseok starts. “He was a model, and models needed to have perfect bodies. The agency hired someone new and Hyungwon forgot that the main reason why he was a model in the first place was because he met the criteria to be one – perfect hair, perfect face, perfect body. But after they hired the new guy, he felt a little replaced even though the new guy didn’t work closely with him and he still had his own shoots. I don’t know where he got that idea from, but he thought that it was because he wasn’t skinny enough. So he went on a ‘diet’ which led to, well, an eating disorder. He spent most of his days as a model in a haze of self-doubt.”

 

“For Jooheon, he’s always had the problem but he never told anyone about it. He’d just say that he’s putting up a front whenever someone asks him about his severe mood changes. He was pretty damn impressed with himself too, when he hit 18 years old. He’s always gone between feeling extremely happy to the point where he annoys everyone or wanting to kill himself and well, he realized that it was a huge problem. He told his parents and siblings but no one believed him because he was always so ‘happy’. That is the most annoying part of the story,” Hoseok laughs. “But he admitted himself since no one was there for him. I can’t believe how strong he is sometimes, to admit that he has a problem.” Kihyun nods. That was admirable.

 

“Changkyun’s never been the outstanding sibling, or a popular kid in school. His parents were supportive but he didn’t want to burden them with his personal problems so he never told them anything. He used to get bullied and have his money taken away, can you believe it? I can’t either. When his parents asked him where his money was, he would just say that he spent it all. He was depressed for a long time, such a long time that people actually thought that it was his normal behavior. It was after his dog passed on the grief got extremely hard for him to handle and he tried to hang himself, but his parents heard so they came to check in on him, to see their son about to kill himself. He’s gotten so much better now compared to when he first arrived, he didn’t talk to anybody back then. He arrived last before you did.”

 

“H-hoseok? What about you?” Kihyun asks and Hoseok laughs. It wasn’t a happy laugh, but a bitter laugh. Hoseok sits up and his bed creaks. “Now, Kihyun. If you want to know about me, you’re going to have to let me know about you.”

 

“Well, I was a company dancer. I was their best dancer, in fact, if I do say so myself. They put the most pressure on me and there were stages where I had to work out for, to expose my, well, abs, haha.” He laughs. “Long story,” Hoseok states before he continues.

 

“Anyways, I had to work out and all that for the perfect body that they wanted, and I had to really watch my diet closely. I couldn’t eat the things that I often craved, so I used to eat the things then spit them out without swallowing. It got to the point where I really couldn’t take it and I just ate a fuckin’ huge meal, but I felt guilty after eating. So much guilt. So I thought, why not expel the food from my body? So after that meal, I went to the bathroom to attempt to get everything out and it worked, and I no longer craved the food. I thought to myself, hey, it’s a great way to satisfy my cravings. Then it got to the point where it was a routine, after every meal I would go to the toilet and force it out.” Hoseok laughs again, bitterly. “Want to see my abs?”

 

“What?” Kihyun furrows his eyebrows. He doesn’t understand. “Want to see my abs?” Hoseok repeats, lifting up the hem of his white t-shirt. “Uh, okay.” Kihyun replies.

 

The boy lifts his shirt, but instead of abs, thin lines cover his stomach and abdomen area. It was enough to make Kihyun feel a little sick. “Why did you do it?” Kihyun asks slowly, his voice cracking a little. “I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t give it to them.”

 

“I couldn’t give them the abs that they wanted, because after finding out about my disorder, they fired me. So I thought, ‘what’s the point of having abs now?’ and instead of doing it like other people, I harmed… myself there. So that they weren’t easily spotted. That was when I hit my all-time low, I was jobless and I felt worthless every day for months, and constantly. Forcing myself to puke also became a habit so I still did it after every meal even if I didn’t have a job to do it for.”

 

Hoseok takes in a deep breath. “I still don’t get it, the fact that I got this disorder for my job, but they still let me go so easily. All this was because of that darned dancer job but they didn’t even care that they were the reason why I became… like this, all fragile and shit. If you met me before that job, man, I could’ve even seemed like a fuckboy!” Hoseok snickers, but Kihyun doesn’t smile back at all.

 

“Don’t do it anymore.” Kihyun replies simply. Hoseok raises an eyebrow. “Don’t do what?”

 

“Don’t harm yourself anymore.” Kihyun feels himself tearing up. The story itself was already enough to make Kihyun want to cry and make sure that Hoseok’s okay, but the fact that someone like Hoseok harmed himself hit Kihyun the hardest – he can’t possibly allow Hoseok to just do these things to himself. “I won’t do it anymore if you don’t.”

 

“Me?” Kihyun replies and Hoseok nods. “I saw your arm in the bathroom. Which was why I didn’t say anything about you brushing your teeth so quickly. I was in the toilet when you brushed your teeth yesterday, and you were clean. No scars even. But today… why did you do it?”

 

“I… I really don’t know.” Kihyun replies honestly. “I was in a daze and I didn’t know what I was doing.”

 

“I’ll let you off just this once. But let’s make a promise. I won’t do it if you won’t do it.” Hoseok holds up his pinky finger and Kihyun hesitates for a second before locking his own pinky with Hoseok’s.                  

Even though it was enough to make his heart feel warm inside, he still felt guilty. He couldn’t promise Hoseok. “So now, let’s go to bed.” Hoseok yawns tiredly, in a way that it seemed a little fake. He lies back down, and Kihyun just turns. He was already lying down.

 

“Goodnight, Kihyun.” Hoseok says, and Kihyun mouths a “goodnight, Hoseok”.


	3. PART III: EASE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's not fall in love.

As usual, Kihyun wakes before Hoseok again and yawns a huge yawn. They had to be down for breakfast by seven, and Kihyun’s surprised that his brain was completely blank of any depressing thoughts. Instead, they were replaced with thoughts of his roommate. He looked so beautiful sleeping, yet so unaware, Kihyun thinks. You are at your most vulnerable stage when you are sleeping. His days no longer felt like he was on autopilot, and his dysphoria hasn’t been that bad.

 

Was this because he was taken away from his home, or because of Hoseok and his new friends here?

 

He thinks about waking Hoseok up, craving for his company. But still, it was ridiculously early and waking him up would be inconsiderate. Nobody likes to be woken up. He decides to just do something on his own, since he had time. He pulls out the notebook stuck between the bed frame and mattress, and pens down whatever thoughts he has again.

 

He lets his mind wander and his hands do all the work, staring up into the blank, grey walls while his hands continue writing. It was strange, amazing almost. That’s when the sun rises from the east and colors the sky a deep pink, and Kihyun decides that it’s time for him to get ready. He didn’t know that he had taken that long to write.

 

He glances down at the paper for the first time. Oh shit.

 

Hoseok’s name was written all over it.

 

He considers tearing the page off, but he didn’t. He wanted to be more honest with himself.

 

 

 

He continues to stare at the paper until the alarm rings softly, on Kihyun’s side of the bedside table. He shuts it off as fast as he could. He wants to be the one to wake Hoseok up. Not the alarm. He shakes Hoseok by the shoulder lightly and Hoseok whines. “5 more minutes, mom…”

 

Kihyun laughs loudly, enough for Hoseok to finally open his eyes. “You’re not my mother. You’re Kihyun.” Hoseok states dumbly and Kihyun has the strong urge to pinch his cheeks. Hoseok smiles sheepishly before stretching his limbs. “What’s up?” Kihyun points to the clock and Hoseok finally sits up from the bed with a loud groan. “That was the best sleep I’ve had in… months.”

 

Kihyun chuckles again. Actually, he wondered about how Hoseok’s relationship with his parents were. In the midst about thinking about all of this, Kihyun realizes that he didn’t tell Hoseok about himself the night before. Maybe it was the right thing to do, to not tell Hoseok the truth. He feels as if his story would burden Hoseok as much as it did with himself. “We can have breakfast together today, but we have our own therapy sessions right after. I memorized the timetables.”

 

“Wow, really? I don’t even know my own.” Kihyun replies, folding the sheets of his bed. He puts the pillows back in place and the notebook from that morning back to its original place, wedged between the mattress and bed frame. “Also, what’s with the culinary classes?”

 

“Oh, when you’ve been here for a little bit longer they’ll give you a few choices that you can pick for your extra ‘therapy’. It’s just to de-stress, I guess. But cooking makes me stressed. I really can’t cook anything but ramyun, and I can’t cook ramyun that well either.” Hoseok admits and Kihyun snickers a little to himself. Unlike Hoseok, he actually did know how to cook and how to do it properly. “Do you like ramyun?”

 

“I do, but I refrain from eating it because it’s not very healthy,” Kihyun admits. He used to watch out for his own health a lot because he felt as if there was a day that he was going to have to live out of home, and maximum health would help him survive outside. “I love ramyun, but I didn’t eat it at all after that ‘diet’ that ruined everything… Speaking of which, I really miss eating it… Do you know that I’m straight up obsessed with ramyun?”

 

“Doesn’t the canteen serve it?” Kihyun puts his hands on his lap while Hoseok changes his shirt. He looks away for a moment and almost gasps, Hoseok staring at him strangely before breaking out into giggles. “Why are you so shy?” the elder laughs and Kihyun shrugs, the smile on his face almost cheeky. Maybe it was because he hasn’t been so close with anyone in such a long time. “Anyways, the canteen does serve ramyun but only on Wednesdays, and they taste soggy somehow. Even though they’re soup noodles. I think it’s the brand that they use.”

 

Kihyun nods, he totally understands. Some noodles were really bad while the rest were very good.  “Do you want to go downstairs now?” Hoseok puts on a cap. “Jooheon’s solution for everything,” He laughs, “I’m too lazy to do my hair today.”

 

“Sure.”

 

 

 

“So I was like – dude, where’s your pants and Minhyuk was like, oh, I lost them.” Jooheon laughs, “but it was so obvious that he was having sex with Hyunwoo!” Minhyuk’s eyes widen and he reaches out to smack Jooheon lightly on the shoulder, his eyes playful but dangerous at the same time. “Smack him harder,” Hyunwoo says simply. “Put me out of my misery.”

 

“You came out into the hall, pants-less?” Changkyun grins at the elder, and Minhyuk turns to an obvious scarlet. “I wasn’t lying when I said I lost them. Hyunwoo’s room is so dark! I couldn’t even find them! When I went back into my room Yoonho was laughing at me and god, it was terrible.”

 

“At least you got some,” Hoseok snorts. “Kihyun, you’re so lucky to be in the same room as Hoseok,” Minhyuk whines. That boy sure was whiny. “Me?” Kihyun mouths the word and points at himself, and Minhyuk nods. “You guys can do things without having to exit your room.” Kihyun doesn’t really know what Minhyuk means by that, but it sounded pretty dirty to him. “Is that supposed to be dirty?” Hoseok asks and Minhyuk sighs in exasperation. Obviously he meant that.

 

“Minhyuk-hyung, they just met.” Changkyun replies, shaking his head at the white-blonde boy. Kihyun wonders where he got his last touch up, since his roots weren’t showing like Hoseok’s. “Sure, they don’t need to know each other well to be friends with benefits,” Minhyuk laughs and stabs into a sausage carelessly. “Ew, this is soggy. Why’s all the food in this place soggy?”

 

Kihyun doesn’t dare to laugh because Minhyuk’s talking about things like that. He’s honestly had zero experience, never daring to step out of the shadow that he trapped himself in. “Minhyuk, just because you have someone to have sex with you became so cocky. Jooheon isn’t even that cocky.” Hyungwon complains and Hoseok nods.

 

Jooheon is seeing someone? From the way they all acted, it was no surprise. But still, for Kihyun, he was pretty curious to who Jooheon’s partner is. Is it Hyungwon? Changkyun? Hoseok…? Or maybe someone that he didn’t know? His questions were answered when, well, Changkyun speaks up. “He has someone to have sex with?”

 

“Oh Changkyun, don’t deny the love.” Minhyuk makes a heart with his fingers and Changkyun pretends to flick it away in disgust, Hyungwon cheering him on. “I’m not denying the love. I’m curious.” Jooheon looks a little confused as well, staring at his soggy breakfast and taking a sip of juice. “You guys are so oblivious that I’m pretty sure that even if Minhyuk leaves you won’t notice,” Hyungwon says and Hyunwoo laughs a little.

 

“No, we’ll notice. Because it’ll be strangely peaceful for the first time without that guy.” Changkyun laughs and Minhyuk threatens to pull his hair. “No, hyung, I spent twenty minutes on this!” Changkyun groans in annoyance when Minhyuk messes up the right side of his hair. “It’s okay, you still look cute. Which is annoying. I’m going to ruin you!”

 

Changkyun fakes a gasp and Minhyuk pretends to growl at him. Kihyun watches this, and he thinks it’s the hardest that he’s laughed for months now. “Guys, are we missing the most important part now?” Hyungwon’s voice was slow and stable as compared to Minhyuk’s ‘angry’ protests at Changkyun. “What important part? Me?” Hoseok raises an eyebrow. Hyungwon frowns a little, not bothering to reply to the elder. “Go away, Hoseok.”

 

“Kihyun looks comfortable with us, and it’s only been a day since we’ve officially met.” Hyungwon says and everyone immediately stops what they’re doing to look at Kihyun and smile. For the first time, all eyes were on him and he didn’t feel that scared. Is this called getting better? He likes the feelings. “So how has your stay here been so far?” Jooheon asks, as if he’s interviewing someone about their trip to a luxurious and expensive country.

 

“It’s been pretty good. Hoseok’s been teaching me.” Kihyun still fiddles with his fingers, because sometimes it’s the speaking part that makes him anxious. He dislikes how he sounds weak whenever he spoke, but it couldn’t be helped so he didn’t bother changing a thing. “Oh! Teaching you what?” Minhyuk replies cheekily and Hoseok smacks him on the chest. “Why am I always the one getting hit?” Minhyuk groans and Hoseok laughs. “Maybe it’s because you’re really… extra.”

 

“Hey!” Minhyuk protests and the entire table laughs, including Minhyuk himself. “But yes, I’ve been teaching Kihyun how things are going on here. He’s fitting in pretty well. We had a nice chat last night, remember?” Hoseok looks at Kihyun expectantly and Kihyun hesitates for a moment before nodding. They had a talk the night before about the rest of the group and their problems, right? Kihyun didn’t forget a word that Hoseok said.

 

With the new information, he actually feels a little more comfortable when speaking to the rest because he knows what’s sensitive to them and so. When they talk about things that are involved in their stories and their faces fall – that’s when Kihyun’s heart breaks a little, bit by bit. Whenever someone mentioned dogs, whenever someone mentioned their previous jobs, whenever someone mentioned their parents. Parents. Kihyun had as good as no parents.

 

It _is_ sad how such a normal and everyday thing can even trigger thoughts that aren’t normal. Normal people wouldn’t see a dog and feel horrible about themselves like Changkyun did. Normal people wouldn’t feel guilty like Hoseok and Hyungwon would after eating. It was horrible, what everyone was going through. They all have to get better, for themselves, and for each other.

 

 

 

A month flies by. Kihyun’s been here for a month, he’s survived for an entire month and he’s alive, good as ever. He feels okay, well even. He’s surprised that he’s actually been doing pretty good. Sometimes, things really did have a positive outcome. Nurse Kang Jinhee seldom goes to his room now, leaving him to manage himself. He’s even gotten his ‘extra class’, and he’s taken cooking as well.

 

He no longer allows himself to come in contact with anything sharp or metal, Hoseok now forces himself to not go to the bathroom after all his meals, and Jooheon’s been as calm as ever, not having any breakdowns in a month or so. He’s celebrating his mood stability, and the only thing he feels is himself getting happier, happier, happier.

 

There hasn’t been much said about Hyunwoo departing from then, and the only one who actually talks about it is Minhyuk. Even if Hyunwoo assures him that he’ll be waiting, Minhyuk’s still insistent on staying with the other. It hurts, love hurts. Love was going to be separated by themselves, because they’re getting better. Sometimes getting better doesn’t seem like a wise thing to do because you don’t want to leave your loved ones, but it’s going to be better in the long run.

 

But still, Kihyun can see Changkyun’s sneaky hands reach out to Jooheon’s sometimes during therapy, and even in the lounge. Kihyun can hear Changkyun trying to calm Jooheon down when he’s at the midst of losing himself in his emotions again. Love is beautiful and strong, even if they do deny that they are in love, or deny that they do like each other. The lie was already given away every time one looks at the other.

 

Kihyun will not allow himself to fall in love with someone, for that someone would have to carry his burden. He feels selfish to love someone. He himself insists that he doesn’t fall in love, because love can give you bliss or heartache, or both. Kihyun will not let himself fall in love at all.

 

Kihyun still flinches whenever someone raises a fist or hand, but that’s okay. No one is going to harm him here, he’s safer here than when he’s at home. Minhyuk still panics about his mother from time to time, but it’s okay, because she visits him every week and he makes sure that she’s okay, and vice-versa. When she departs, she has tears in her eyes and so does Minhyuk. But they aren’t sad tears.

 

Hyungwon still drinks a lot of water before they check his weight, but it wasn’t declining anyway. He’s slowly gaining back his flesh, by eating more and worring less. Changkyun still wears his long sleeves, afraid of showing his scars, but he was proud because there haven’t been fresh wounds for a while. Hyunwoo still avoids talking about his past, and that’s okay.

 

We all have things that we want to forget, and we want to forget it so badly that it just keeps replaying in our brains. That’s okay. We will help each other. We will help each other forget our pasts, our misery. We are each other’s ecstasy. Our brains are sick, but that’s okay.

 

Kihyun now understands what that voice meant on his first day, he understands it clearly and fully. He no longer longs to find the owner of the voice, for the voice might’ve just been himself in his head. Well, that was what he thought until one night where Hoseok finally mentions his previous roommate for the first time in a while. “You know, you’re so much more different than Minkyun…”

 

“Why is that so?” Kihyun raises a brow. Hoseok laughs. “I’m not comparing or anything. It’s just that, he was always so negative even though he had support from everyone. When you came here, you were so silent but now you’re warmed up and you’ve even shown some progress.”

 

“Well, maybe he had really serious problems.” Hoseok nods thoughtfully. “Or maybe, Kihyun, you’re just really strong. You didn’t choose to run away from your problems like Minkyun did.”

 

Kihyun laughs. _He’s not strong_. “I’m strong?” And Kihyun’s still surprised when Hoseok replies with a confident nod. “I’m telling you, you’re really strong. Stronger than Changkyun, even. When he first arrived he didn’t talk to anyone at all. It was really… well… depressing. Everyone felt bad for him. But now that you’re here, and you’re still doing well, everyone kind of admires you. That’s why you’re incredibly strong, Kihyun.”

 

“Thanks, I guess…?” He laughs, and Hoseok replies with a laugh too. There’s something that Kihyun is curious about in his mind. “But, how was Minkyun really like?”

 

“Well, he was pretty loud. He seemed smiley all the time. He has this hobby of talking to random people in the bathroom before, I had a chat with him while bathing that one time, and that boy didn’t even realize that it was me in the shower. He was really cute. And really strange. But he was a good roommate.” Hoseok says, and his face only falls a little compared to the first time they had talked about the boy.

 

“So, like, a, as an example, on my first night, I heard this voice talking to me in the toilet and it was kind of shrill and sharp. Could it have been Minkyun?” Kihyun asks, and Hoseok looks up immediately. “The day you came… wasn’t it the night that Minkyun killed himself?”

 

Hoseok tilts his head, thinking hard about the events that had occurred a month ago. “I think he did leave the room after I came back from the toilet. I can’t remember if he was even there. But when I came back, he wasn’t there. It was probably him. That’s kind of strange. What did he talk about?”

 

“Something about helping each other till our last breaths…” Kihyun thinks hard as well. He can’t remember what the voice had said word for word, but it was along the lines of that. Hoseok nods seriously. “Yeah, it was probably him. He always talked about that. Damn…”

 

“Is this a good or bad thing?” Kihyun asks. He’s just gotten new information, but the information can’t do anything for him. Hoseok shakes his head. “It’s neutral. I’m just… pretty shocked that he seemed so okay the night he planned to kill himself. Guess he really just had a major breakdown. Kihyun? Do I seem insensitive?”

 

“Uh, no? Why?” Kihyun assures the elder awkwardly and Hoseok scratches the back of his own head, as if he was pondering about what to say. “Well, I talk about Minkyun’s death so casually, while people like Seokwon and Yoonho are still pretty shaken up by it. I don’t talk about it in front of them, though. But do you get me?”

 

“I do. I don’t think you’re insensitive but it’s just a tad bit sad how you’re used to people just… dying.” Kihyun replies and Hoseok looks at him observantly. “How do you know that?”

 

“Well, you did tell that to me the first time we actually spoke to each other. You know, as roommates. Not in the toilet, where you almost scared the shit out of me. Thanks, by the way. Thanks, by the way.”

 

“Woah, you had to shit? I’m sorry for that. I’m just too buff and cool looking.” Hoseok cracks a sweet smile. “Anyways, it feels good that you remembered what I told you.”

 

“I didn’t have to shit, Hoseok. I didn’t mean it literally.” Kihyun shakes his head at the elder who seems to be more amused by him even minute. “Plus, I remember all my conversations because I seldom had any before I came here. That sounds sad. It is sad.”

 

“It’s sad, yeah.” Hoseok’s mouth changes into a small, thin line. Part of Kihyun wants to use his hands to lift the corners of Hoseok’s mouth again. “It’s a good thing that you’re here with us, Kihyun.”

 

“Why is that so?”

 

“You’re like… our balance. Before you came, most of us were at the verge of giving up. We were pretty bad. But after you came, well, we couldn’t let the new guy get badly influenced by us as well. So, we had to all be okay for you to be okay. And now we’re all better. I talked about this with Hyunwoo that day, and he agrees as well. Speaking of Hyunwoo, I feel so bad for him and Minhyuk. The fact that they’re being separated because they’re getting better is heartbreaking.”

 

Kihyun nods in agreement. “That’s true. But I’m pretty sure Minhyuk’s going to try to get better for Hyunwoo too. You know what else is sad? That kimchi fried rice you tried to make during cooking class just now.” Kihyun tries to lighten the mood and it seems to help, because Hoseok starts laughing and yep, there’s that smile that he loves again. “What smile?” Hoseok stops laughing a little but there’s still the tiniest smile plastered on his face.

 

“Huh?” Kihyun is confused. “You said something about a smile.”

 

Damn, he must’ve said that out loud. He wants to slap himself in the face, but doing so would just make Hoseok confused and question him more. “I meant, uh… it feels good to smile again, doesn’t it?”

 

“Yeah!” Hoseok doesn’t look too suspicious, so Kihyun just tries to pretend that nothing happened again. No way was he going to allow himself to blurt out random things to people. That was an old habit of his, before his father came back home. He used to accidentally blurt out his feelings about his father not coming back to his mother, and she would look at him in shock, asking why he didn’t want his own father to come back home. Well, because he hit him.

 

“Before I start saying things that’ll probably make you want to stay away from me because you’ll think I’m creepy, let’s go to sleep.” Hoseok straight up giggles. Kihyun narrows his eyes in suspicion for a moment before agreeing with the other. “What creepy things do you do?” He asks, genuinely curious. “I say weird things when I’m tired. Sometimes it’s about whales or cars, and sometimes it’s just me and my honest feelings. It sucks.”

 

What are his true feelings? And why did Kihyun want to know them so badly? Of course, he didn’t have the guts to ask so he just nods. “Also, can we get rid of these?” Hoseok points to the metal frames of the beds that were separating the both of them. “I would really love to, but how?”

 

“Hospital beds are really cool sometimes,” Hoseok points out, pressing a button at the side before pushing the metal bar blocking the two of them down. “Now do your side!” Were they really going to connect their beds? Kihyun didn’t have a protest, he’s just a little confused. And flattered. But mostly, flattered, and he doesn’t even know why he’s feeling that way. He sits up in his bed and presses the same button, but he triggers some kind of alarm instead.

 

“That’s the alarm for waking up, silly.” Hoseok chuckles loudly and thank god it was dark, because Kihyun’s pretty sure that he’s red. There were alarms for waking up besides the clock? Kihyun finds it pretty cool. He presses the button again to stop the alarm, and Hoseok’s laughter doesn’t seem to stop. “That one,” he points to another button but Kihyun doesn’t know which specific one he’s pointing to. “Which?”

 

Hoseok leaps over to Kihyun’s bed and Kihyun almost falls off. Hoseok really needed to say something when he was doing things. Kihyun gets mini heart attacks almost daily because of him. “This,” Hoseok moves Kihyun’s hand to the button diagonally below the alarm one. Woah, was his heart beating faster than usual? Was he getting a panic attack? He can’t have a panic attack now, especially when he’s almost wrapped under Hoseok’s arms.

 

He doesn’t feel anxious, though. In fact, he feels the exact opposite of anxious. He feels relaxed, especially when he’s with Hoseok. This was a strange feeling. “You can press the button, you know?” Hoseok watches him, still looking amused. “Oh, what? Yeah, of course I can, I have hands…”

 

Hoseok bursts out in laughter and so does Kihyun after he realizes what he’s just said. That was by far, the dumbest thing that he’s said in his entire life. He doesn’t actually press the button until Hoseok tells him to do so again. This time, he doesn’t screw it up and they manage to connect their beds. It was as good as sharing a bed, but Kihyun didn’t mind to share a bed with Hoseok. It doesn’t matter.

 

“Man, I think we laughed for twenty minutes straight. I feel like I’m going to have abs when I wake up tomorrow.” Hoseok finally stops laughing and Kihyun nods in agreement. “I’ve never had abs in my life,” he adds. Hoseok snickers. “It’s hard work. And it’s hard to maintain. And you’re too cute to have abs, honestly. I can’t ever imagine you with a ripped body. You’re too small for that.”

 

“Hey!” Kihyun retorts. He knows he’s small, and he can’t help it. “Don’t take it as an insult. You’re tiny and cute.” Hoseok ruffles his hair as they lie opposite each other, and facing each other. The metal bars were no longer in the way. Thank god for that. “Hoseok?”

 

“Hmm?” the elder hums. They were both already drifting off to sleep slowly. “Wait, no, I forgot what I was going to ask.” Kihyun slurs. The elder lets out a small chuckle before they’ve really used up all their energy for that day. “Goodnight, Kihyun.”

 

“Goodnight, Hoseok.”

 

 

 

“Good morning my sunflower babies!” Minhyuk exclaims once they’ve all arrived to their usual breakfast table. “Ouch, shut up Minhyuk. It’s too early in the morning for this.” Hyungwon complains, and Jooheon snickers at this. “I love the banter, it’s great banter.”

 

“You know what’ll be great?” Hoseok asks, shoving a piece of turkey bacon into his mouth. The rest all turn their heads in curiosity. “If they stop serving soggy food. They should also change their plates.” Minhyuk opens his mouth to say something but he’s almost immediately interrupted by Hyungwon. “Yes. These metal plates are too bright for me, especially in the morning. It hurts my eyes. When you use a knife on these plates they create a weird squeaky sound.” Changkyun cringes as Hyungwon drags the butter knife along the plate.

 

“Ew, that sound.” Jooheon covers his ears, drinking his water. “Yes, that sound. I hate it.” Hyungwon puts down his knife immediately. His plate was still pretty full. “These are actually pretty good,” Hyunwoo stabs into a baby carrot and waves it in front of all of them. Changkyun nods. “I hate adult carrots. I only eat baby carrots.”

 

“They taste the same?” Kihyun asks and Changkyun shrugs. “I don’t know. Something about them being smaller is nice. That’s why I prefer baby carrots.”

 

“Changkyun, you’re so full of shit sometimes.” Hyungwon shakes his head. The younger pouts. This is what happens when the group is together. When they’re together, they talk like normal kids for once, discussing about the most unnecessary and irrelevant things. This is what Kihyun really wants to talk about, and not mental illnesses or anything sad and depressing. They all just wanted to talk like normal people.

 

“Hoseok, so how’s it going with you and Kihyun?” the white-blonde exclaims even though he’s asking a question and Hyungwon looks a little puzzled. “What happened between them?”

 

“Oh nothing, except for the fact that they act all gay for each other. It’s sweet.” Minhyuk says and Kihyun looks around awkwardly. All eyes were on him and Hoseok. Kihyun didn’t really understand what the rest of them meant. “What? I always act gay no matter who it’s for.” Hoseok replies blankly. “Oh my god, Hoseok-hyung.” Jooheon buries his head in his hands and groans. “Why?”

 

“You’re so oblivious.” The younger sighs and instead of sighing back, Hoseok has a shit-eating grin plastered on his face. “Tell that to yourself, Jooheon. I don’t know what’s happening between you and Changkyun but it sure is sweet and nice. And it’s also pretty gay. Not that it’s a bad thing.” Kihyun’s baffled to why they’re talking about this, because he’s gotten a warning himself to stay away from falling in love, especially in a place like this. Like he said, making someone love him was selfish of him.

 

“So, Kihyun, what are your feelings about Hoseok?” Minhyuk suddenly starts attacking him with questions again. It’s always like this, he’ll listen in to a conversation and Minhyuk would abruptly stop the conversation to ask Kihyun either a really shallow and dumb question, or a question that makes Kihyun actually ponder about for a while before coming up with a proper, good and honest answer. He doesn’t have a good answer for this one.

 

“About Hoseok?” He repeats. Minhyuk nods and Changkyun looks almost as if he was ready to watch his favorite TV show. “He’s… nice.”

 

“I’m nice? That’s all?” Hoseok looks at him with taunting eyes and Kihyun should want to look away, but he continues to stare anyway, until someone clears their throat, and it was probably Hyunwoo. “Gross, Hoseok. Stop with the bedroom eyes for a moment, please.” Minhyuk coughs and Hoseok’s gaze turns into an annoyed gaze, but to Minhyuk instead. And his eyes soften once he looks at Kihyun again.

 

“Oh shit, I dropped my napkin.” Kihyun pretends and dives under the table. As he says, he makes great choices. Especially this one. Diving under the table while all of his friends are talking about his love life was something that was avoided often by Kihyun himself. He takes the napkin that he’s stuffed in his pocket out and holds it in his hand. While Kihyun is planning how he’s supposed to trick the others, he notices a napkin in Hyungwon’s lap as well. “What? I didn’t even see Kihyun holding a napkin.”

 

On further investigation, it was filled with food, the same amount of food that he had ‘eaten’. That was pretty worrying, considering the fact that they all think Hyungwon’s weight problem was disappearing soon. To think that they actually thought he was getting better with it. It gets too long for someone to hide under a table to ‘pick up a tissue’, so Kihyun pushes himself up with the help of the bench. “Kihyun, you’re so strange.” Hoseok’s smiling at him again and his heart flutters.

 

“What’s so strange about picking up his napkin?” Changkyun interrupts and Hoseok pretends to flick him away. “It’s not about napkin picking. It’s about Kihyun. A normal person would just let it drop and stay there.”

 

“I care about saving this earth,” Kihyun laughs and Minhyuk almost dies snickering at Hoseok’s face. “God, Hoseok. You look so in love with him.” Well, boys will be boys. “I do? Maybe I am…”

 

“Hoseok! You do not joke about these things!” Hyungwon lectures the older boy and Hoseok nods in agreement. “Yeah, I shouldn’t.”

 

 _Hoseok, if my heart was a vehicle you make it go 600 kilometers per hour._ Wait, what was he thinking?

 

 

 

Kihyun’s done with his therapy a little earlier than usual, doctor Jung Kyungwon let doctor Jeon Donghyuk take over – and therapy has been way better for Kihyun since then. He talks about his problems and issues, but he isn’t ready to talk about his family yet. Doctor Jeon Donghyuk respects that, and only allows him to talk about the things that he’s comfortable with, not wanting Kihyun to feel pressured or forced.

 

“So, Kihyun. How have you been lately?” He crushes a piece of waste paper and dunks it into the bin.  “I’ve been having a pretty good time in here, that the bad thoughts only come out before I sleep. They didn’t come out at all last night, or at least I can’t recall.”

 

“Any problems sleeping at all?” Doctor Jeon questions. Kihyun replies with the shake of his head.

 

“That’s really good progress, and it’s only been a month. At this rate, you’ll be able to leave soon.” But Kihyun still doesn’t know if he wants to leave soon. He still feels as if this would all go to waste if he doesn’t talk about what his father did to him, going home early would just restart his cycle of self-hate again. “You’ve gotten a new roommate since the first time we spoke, right?” Doctor Jeon beams cheerily.

 

Kihyun nods. “Yeah, his name’s Hoseok.”

 

“Oh, Hoseok! I take him for therapy too, when both of you have different timetables. Each doctor usually takes two patients, and I have the both of you, I see. That’s pretty nice. So fill me in! What have you achieved recently? Have you had any problems or anything?”

 

Kihyun tells the doctor everything that’s been happening, except for the part where Hoseok makes his heart thump two times faster than it usually did.

 

 

 

Kihyun is now sitting in the lounge, waiting for Hoseok to be done with his therapy so that they could go to their cooking class together after. He plops down on the sofa, next to Hyungwon who’s already there. He seemed to get out of therapy the earliest out of all of them. Maybe he’s doing better? Perhaps. Hyungwon has a crack on his dry lips, and he’s staring straight at the TV which was screening a historical drama about princes and court ladies.

 

“Hi, Hyungwon.” Hyungwon nods in acknowledgement of Kihyun’s presence. They sit silently and fixated their eyes on the screen, paying attention to everything that happened in the series. This was a good show, since Kihyun usually could not stand dramas at all. “Oh, Kihyun?” Hyungwon pipes up during a long commercial break. “Yeah?”

 

“Can you tell the cooking teacher that I’m unable to make it for class today? I feel a little unwell, so after this episode I’m going to go back to my room and rest.” Hyungwon chuckles. “I would go now, but this show is just too good to give a miss, honestly.” Kihyun nods because he understands. In all his time outside, he’s never watched a drama as good as this one. “Okay, I’ll tell her.”

 

“Thanks, Kihyun.” The tall boy grins. “Do you want to tell a nurse that you’re unwell or something?” Kihyun adds. Hyungwon shakes his head. “No need. It’s just a little headache. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.”

 

“Can you drink more water, though? Your lips look super dry.” Hyungwon nods. “Yeah, I’ve been thirsty since morning. I’ve just been too lazy to get up and get some water to drink.” Kihyun scoffs. “Damn it, Hyungwon.”

 

Sure, it could’ve been just a little headache, but in a place like this, a ‘headache’ could mean more than just a headache in terms of physical pain. Kihyun doesn’t try to pry in because he doesn’t like it when people do it to him, and he knows the feeling. He hates it. Hyungwon probably would, too. The commercial break ends and Kihyun immediately diverts his eyes to the screen. Great, now time to find out what happens during the rain ritual.

 

“What’s that dude doing with the leaf?” a sudden voice rings out from behind Kihyun and he jumps upwards. “Jesus, Hoseok. Almost gave me a heart attack again.”

 

“Again?” Hoseok raises an eyebrow, with a suspicious smirk on his face. “What did I say? Again? Maybe I’m just too engrossed in this show.” Kihyun’s eyes widen.

 

“I can be your prince and you can be the court lady if you’d like.” Hoseok jokes and Kihyun actually stops breathing for a moment. What was the elder suggesting? His thoughts were interrupted by Hyungwon clearing his throat loudly. “Guys, stop flirting here.”

 

“Woah, Hyungwon. We’re not flirting,” Hoseok denies, raising up two palms. Hyungwon looks at the elder, unconvinced, while the elder flashes him a sheepish smile. “Yeah, we’re not flirting. Oh, did she just figure out that she could use concealer to cover his scar?” Hyungwon nods.

 

“You’re really into this show, aren’t you?” Hoseok chuckles.

 

 

 

“Kihyun? Do you want my carrots?” Changkyun waves his fork in front of Kihyun’s face while the elder is just staring into oblivion. “Hello…… Kihyun?” the younger picks up his carrots and waves the orange thing in Kihyun’s face again. “What is he doing?” Minhyuk chuckles, leaning against Hyunwoo who shrugs in response. “Probably thinking about the fourth prince. I’m pretty sure Kihyun has feelings for that dude.”

 

“Who is this fourth prince?” Hoseok raises an eyebrow in interest. “Oh, the dude from the drama that I watch with Kihyun in the lounge. He’s really invested. But he didn’t cry like you did when the kid died in one of the movies that we watched together.” Hyungwon replies. “Hey! That kid was really cute. I didn’t even care about the plot of the movie because it was too confusing for me. I only focused on that kid. I loved him. But he died in the end. That’s unfair. Why him? I didn’t even like the lead male that much. He could’ve died instead of the kid.”

 

“Hello, prince charming. Please do try to wake your princess up, though.” Hyungwon points at Kihyun who honestly looks dead on the inside. “Princess?” Hoseok smirks. “You like him, don’t you? You fucking like it.” Jooheon gives him a dirty smile and Hoseok replies to it with a disgusted frown. “Don’t go assuming just yet.”

 

“Oh, look. He’s finally blinked for the first time.” Minhyuk states, and Kihyun is still oblivious to the fact that the entire table was looking at him now. “I’ve had enough of this.” Hyungwon shakes his head disapprovingly before violently shaking Kihyun’s right arm. Kihyun jumps and the entire table bursts into laughter. He clutches his heart exaggeratingly and breathes out two loud breaths.

 

“What are you on?” Changkyun says, slapping his own thigh in hysterical laughter, dumping the carrots onto Kihyun’s plate anyway. Kihyun picks the carrots up with his chopsticks and eats them, completely ignoring the fact that he had been in a daze for the first half of dinner and their entire table was laughing at him. “You like carrots? You can have mine.”

 

“No way, Hyungwon. Carrots are really good for your skin, and your eyes too. You have to eat them if you want beautiful skin like mine.” He pushes the food back to Hyungwon upon remembering the napkin in his lap that morning. “Wow, since he started talking more he got so cocky. I honestly never ever expected that from someone so small.” Hyunwoo comments, and the entire table seemed to find everything he says funny. Minhyuk howls in laughter, causing a couple of heads to turn towards their table.

 

“Be quiet, hyung. People are looking at us weird.” Changkyun shushes Minhyuk who continues laughing, but this time on mute. “What’s so funny?” Hyunwoo asks and Minhyuk bursts out in loud laughter for the second time. “Dude, it’s funny but you really need to calm down,” Jooheon places a hand on his shoulder, and Changkyun’s eyes flicker to the elder’s hand for a second.

 

Hoseok looks over at him for another time to make sure that he wasn’t distracted by whatever he was thinking about. Kihyun was focused, spoon in one hand, and listening in to the conversation, even if it was about something stupid or an old running inside joke. Kihyun likes their inside jokes, especially the ones made unintentionally by Hyunwoo and sometimes, Hoseok.

 

“What’s with Changkyun and carrots?” Jooheon asks, gaze shifting over to the youngest. Changkyun shrugs and puts another spoonful of rice into his mouth. “I don’t like big carrots. Only baby carrots. So small that you can just eat the entire thing in one mouth. What’s the point of a carrot if you can’t do that?”

 

“To me, it’s exactly the same.” Hoseok replies, taking a small sip of his water. “No, Hoseok hyung, you don’t understand. I’m special.”

 

“Sounds more like you’re saying you’re a picky eater,” Hyungwon snorts, twisting the cap of his bottle from left to right endlessly. “Hey, why are you saying that to Changkyun? If anyone’s the picky eater here, it’s you.”

 

“I just don’t like certain foods, okay? Like, I hate how some drinks are sweet, and how some hot food are sweet. Sweet and hot foods are just… wrong. Sweet and hot do not go together. Don’t even get me started on sweet and hot _drinks_. Those are the fucking worst. You know what’s bad as well? Chewy candy. Disgusting.”

 

“Whatever you say, Hyungwon.” Hoseok snickers.

 

 

 

“Hoseok?” Kihyun flips over in his bed. “Hmm?” The elder hums, barely awake. “How have you been lately?” Kihyun suddenly remembers a certain thing that Hoseok said to him once, about how he was always completely honest if he was half asleep. The other boy groans softly while turning over to face Kihyun, his eyes half-closed. “No, you tell me. I’ve been okay, just neutral.”

 

“Well, I’m happy. Because of you and the guys…” Kihyun looks straight up at the ceiling while playing with his own hair. “Yeah, actually, I’m happy because of you.” Hoseok slurs. “Because of me?”

 

“Yeah, everything about you…” Hoseok trails off. Kihyun faces the elder and realizes that his eyes are already shut, though his mouth was curled into a small smile. The elder yawns and buries the side of his face into the pillow. “Thank you, Hoseok.”

 

Kihyun’s back hits the mattress again and he shoves a pillow on his face. He was having so many thoughts, the most prominent one being Hoseok. Kihyun feels a little suffocated, like he needed some air whenever he was around Hoseok. But the speed that his heart races in when Hoseok’s near wasn’t as fast as when he was anxious, or as slow as when he was feeling numb.

 

Was he really falling in love? For someone his age, Kihyun’s never really experienced being in a proper relationship but he’s probably gone through forty years of hard labor work. He admits that he is showing some symptoms of being in love – he wants to kiss Hoseok sometimes, when the elder is closer to him. He also wants to hold his hand and tell him that it’s okay whenever Hoseok looks a little down. He feels responsible for having that role.

                                                          

But at the same time, making people love you is selfish. Especially in a place like this, where your release is unconfirmed. Nobody knows when they’re going to get to leave, they don’t tell you in advance. Kihyun doesn’t want to be like Minhyuk, stuck in this place feeling alone when Hoseok leaves. Nope, Kihyun himself wasn’t good yet and falling in love would probably slow the both of them down. Kihyun was not falling in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASe let me know your opinions on this fic so far! i have lots and lots of plans so :^^))) hit me up :^))) yaknow :^)))


	4. PART IV: FALLOUT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes people say things that make you want to like them less (but you still like them).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING FOR SELF HARM!!
> 
> HmmMmmmM WHAT happens to kihyun ???????????????????????????????

I am not falling in love, is the first thing that Yoo Kihyun thinks about when he wakes up before Hoseok, like usual.

 

Kihyun was _not_ falling in love. He refuses to accept it, even if he melts a little whenever Hoseok smiles and looks straight in his eyes. He also melts a little whenever their skin touches, and Kihyun feels stupid for realizing that he likes Hoseok only now. Hey, he wasn’t experienced at all. He didn’t really know what was going on in the world of relationships… and sex. He wasn’t going to make it awkward for the both of them since they lived together. He was not going to allow this to happen.

 

But every time Hoseok turns over and his hair’s covering his eyes and he smiles brightly but sleepily, something inside of Kihyun wants to say fuck it to self-control and just tell him. It’s been overwhelmingly difficult for Kihyun to refrain himself from doing things that friends don’t do to each other. Kihyun wants to tell him, Kihyun wants to scream it to the world, but Hoseok meant so much to him that losing him might just ruin his entire life. But still, Kihyun has a really tough time restraining himself from Hoseok.

 

And it doesn’t help that Hoseok always does things that felt as if he was teasing Kihyun. Kihyun doesn’t know if he’s just being delusional or Hoseok’s actually been flirting with him. Heck, this boy knows nothing about dating at all. Kihyun’s really never had a proper relationship, and he’s not going to let himself get into one in a rehabilitation center. He wasn’t going to have it.

 

The scribbles of Hoseok’s name filling up the entire of his notebook that used to be filled with only negative thoughts and sad lyrics also told him that he was indeed, very in love with the elder. Kihyun groans into his pillow as silently as possible because he didn’t want to wake the elder. Waking Hoseok would mean Hoseok messing up Kihyun’s thoughts again. Kihyun needed the time to think himself. What is this feeling? What does he do with it? Is it really love?

 

“What the hell are you doing?” A voice travels from his left while his head is buried in the pillow. Did he make too much noise? “What?” Kihyun replies, looking up from the pillow but not into Hoseok’s eyes. “Were you making out with your pillow?” The elder’s face looks like he’s about to crumple into hysterical laughter. Kihyun’s eyes widen. Was that really what it looked like?

 

“No! I was trying to get into a comfortable position…” Kihyun denies it quickly and Hoseok nods understandingly, laughter still present in his eyes. “I don’t see how that’s comfortable, though. I can only sleep on my back.” Hoseok turns his body to the side to face the younger and yep, there’s that smile again. The sleepy smile that Kihyun hates and loves at the same time. Hoseok’s face just reminded Kihyun of love for some reason – life’s just getting tougher for him every single day.

 

“Hey, today’s visiting day. We can see Mrs Lee again.” Hoseok starts, tracing lines on Kihyun’s arm. Kihyun almost shivers. His touch was so ice cold yet so hot, it felt as if Kihyun burns and Hoseok’s cold, but at the same time it felt like the other way round. Love is confusing, Kihyun wants to groan again. He doesn’t want to even acknowledge the fact. “Really? Nice. She’s really like a second mother. I can tell why Minhyuk wants to protect her so badly.”

 

Hoseok sighs softly. “Do you miss your parents? I don’t think mine even know that I’m here after I moved to Seoul.” Kihyun’s parents? No, he did not miss them. He didn’t miss their constant pressure on him and his father yelling. He didn’t miss his mother not stopping his father when he was going too far. He didn’t miss being on edge every time he was home, and he didn’t miss running away either. So what if they were his parents? They were no parents.

 

“I miss them.” Hoseok admits. “Why do I feel so sentimental this morning? How about you, Kihyun?” Kihyun turns and hesitates for a moment. “I don’t know how I feel about my parents.” That was a lie. Kihyun loathes his parents. “You don’t know? Parents are the most important things in the world, at least one of the most important. They’re the reason why we’re here.” Kihyun wants to laugh. He didn’t want to be there in the first place. And his parents _are_ the reason why he’s in a rehabilitation center.

 

“… be appreciative and grateful to them.” Hoseok finally ends his lecture and Kihyun’s just about had enough of it. “I tried to be appreciative and grateful to them, Hoseok. But they never gave me reasons to do so.” Kihyun says slowly. “What do you mean a reason to do so? They’re the reason for your birth! You need to thank them for giving you such a good life, a good environment to live in and an education. They’re paying for you to get better soon here! Of course you need to be grateful, you don’t have to even try. Kihyun, I honestly expected someone like you to be more filial as a son.”

 

“Yeah, but what if they’ve said mean things before?” Kihyun asks. The elder stops to think for a moment. “Well, it can’t be that bad. You just have to tell them what’s wrong and they’ll probably give you an apology. They’re your parents, whatever thing that they did can’t be _that_ bad.” Kihyun scoffs. He wishes it was that easy.

 

“You don’t even know what my parents did, Hoseok.” Kihyun replies, his tone a little nasty. The elder looks taken aback and his eyes widen for a second before apologizing profusely. Kihyun doesn’t tell him that he accepts his apology. Hoseok glances back at him wearily. They promised to be understanding to each other when they first met.

 

_His dad comes back from work, but instead of smelling like offices and papers, he smells like alcohol and cigarettes. Drinking again? Kihyun sighs, when the man walks into the door. “Come here, son.”_

_Kihyun’s eyes widen and he points to himself, unsure if his dad is calling to him or his brother. He looks behind and is brother isn’t present, so he was probably being called on. “Yes… Dad?”_

_“Son, bring me some water.”                   He says. Kihyun is surprised that they’re having a conversation that didn’t involve any screaming or crying at all. Well, he can’t really talk so soon. He runs into the kitchen to get the water that his dad had asked for, trying to get it done as soon as possible to avoid being with the man._

_He was already terrifying when he’s sober, Kihyun can’t imagine how he’ll be like when he was drunk. He passes the cup to his father. “Here, …dad.”_

_“Son, sometimes I really don’t get why you want to go to that music school. Can you please enlighten me?”_

_“Well, I like music. And I think I can do music well, better than my academics. It’s my dream, and I want to follow it.”_

_His dad scoffs. “But do you know it’s not going to get you anywhere?”_

_“That is, if I fail. I don’t think I’m going to fail.” Kihyun explains and something fiery appears in his father’s eyes. “You sure about that, son?” Kihyun nods._

_“Cocky, aren’t you?”_

_“No dad, I’m confident that I can do this.” Kihyun insists and the man snickers loudly. “Well, what do you know about failure?”_

_“It won’t happen if I just keep trying.”_

_“Sorry son, you’re never going to make it.”_

_Kihyun huffs and exits the room while his father remains seated on the chair, laughing at his son’s reaction. What a great father._

 

 

 

“Mom! Okay, first, where have you been, how have you been, who have you met, what have you done, and when are you going to bring some kimbap here? I love and miss your kimbap!” Minhyuk manages to articulate, his words still increasing in speed. Mrs Lee laughs – and so do the rest of them. “Minhyuk, you shouldn’t interrogate her every time she comes to visit you,” Hyunwoo mentions, and Mrs Lee looks at the boy fondly. “You’re the one that Minhyuk talks about, aren’t you? Hyunwoo?”

 

Hyunwoo nods and Minhyuk looks proud, smiling at the elder. It was almost as if Mrs Lee was meeting her soon to be son-in-law. “Hyunwoo. Thank you for taking care of Minhyuk in here. I’ll trust you to take care of my precious son. I can’t wait for both of you to get out of here and live a life outside. Hyunwoo, you’ll be welcomed to our house anytime. So will the rest of you.” She pats Minhyuk’s head and the blonde beams brightly. “Thank you all for being good influences for Minhyuk.”

 

“Don’t worry Mrs Lee! It’s our job to make sure everyone is safe and happy,” Hoseok grins and the lady flashes him a friendly smile. “So, Mom! How have you been so far?”

 

“Well, Minhyuk…”

 

 

 

Kihyun sits next to Hyungwon in the lounge again, the rest of them in different sofas. Minhyuk has his head on Hyunwoo’s shoulder. “I miss my mother, Hyunwoo.” He pouts. Hyunwoo pats him on the back gently, and Minhyuk’s expression immediately fades. Kihyun’s impressed at how fast Hyunwoo took to change Minhyuk’s mood. First he was sad, but now he’s happy. Changkyun and Jooheon are on the other couch, discussing about something Kihyun probably wouldn’t be interested in.

 

Hoseok’s sitting in the last couch alone. Kihyun hasn’t been speaking to him since they were in the rooms, and Hoseok obviously senses that family was a sensitive topic for Kihyun. It’s not like it was because Hoseok was insensitive, but Kihyun didn’t understand why the elder was so insistent on talking about family despite Kihyun trying to change the subject. He was obviously uncomfortable talking about family, but the elder went ahead to talk about what he wanted to talk to, completely ignoring Kihyun’s feelings.

 

But at the same time, Kihyun feels as if he’s being overly sensitive. Hoseok had good parents, unlike him, so he definitely appreciated them, and he just wanted to talk about his family that he misses dearly. Kihyun had cut him off, disallowing him to talk about his family even though they were supposed to tell each other things like two teenage girls during a sleepover. He was pretty insensitive to Hoseok too. What if Hoseok finally decides that he’s too much of a hassle to be with and stops talking to him? Kihyun only wants this to be temporary – he wanted whatever tension they had to disappear after a while.

 

No, Kihyun feels as if he’s fucked the entire relationship up again. He was such an _idiot_. It took so long for him to warm up fully to Hoseok, and after this blows over it’s going to get awkward again. He thinks of the possibilities of Hoseok getting furious at him, and his chest tightens. His heart beats fast, as if he was about to say his last words ever to Hoseok then and there. This can’t be happening now.

 

Kihyun stands up in record speed, a pain shooting in his head, inducing some stares from Minhyuk and Changkyun. “Where are you going?” Hyungwon asks, though his eyes are still glued to the TV. “Bathroom.” Kihyun almost chokes out. Hyungwon replies with a single nod of his head. Kihyun escapes the room immediately, away from the rest of the guys. He’s never ran so fast in his entire life, leaving only a soft thumping noise when he runs down the hallways.

 

Oh no, here it was. He’s already having major problems breathing when he rushes into the bathroom and into a random cubicle. Kihyun rests on the linoleum floor and it’s cold against his thighs. He tries to control his shallow breathing by inhaling air and holding it, but it doesn’t work because he chokes again and has to open his mouth. “Ff-fuck.” He mumbles, trying to make the sound of hyperventilating as soft as possible so nobody could hear it. That doesn’t work.

 

He was doomed, he barely knows what he’s doing. It’s as if he was in a state where he wasn’t even in control of his body. It was like he was watching from his eyes while his arms grip and scratch on to each other to the extent where he thinks he’s bleeding – but he doesn’t know, because he can’t feel a thing. “Kihyun, you okay?” Hoseok’s voice rings out. This was the last thing he wanted right now. “Which cubicle are you in?”

 

Kihyun doesn’t want to reply. He doesn’t want Hoseok to stop whatever he was doing to calm Kihyun down. Kihyun doesn’t know, his thoughts were a mess. Part of him wanted Hoseok to leave and never come back but the other part wanted the elder to stay and comfort Kihyun. He watches as the elder’s feet appear under the door of his stall. “Go away! I’m fine. I just want time to myself, no therapists, no Hoseok, no nothing!”

 

If he was more clear-minded, he wouldn’t have mentioned Hoseok’s name at all. The door twists from the outside, and he barges in. Kihyun is ready to protest but as soon as the elder’s in the stall Kihyun’s being enveloped in a tight hug. It was comforting. “You were having a panic attack right? Can you breathe now?” The elder mutters into his ear. Kihyun shakes his head. “Only a little.”

 

“Come on. Deep breaths. Follow me.” The elder takes in a deep breath and all Kihyun wants now was to get out of his state of panic so he follows suit. “What happened?”

 

Kihyun doesn’t reply the elder, he pretends to focus more on his breathing while the elder’s still looking at him with an eyebrow raised and a perplexed expression on his face. “No, Hoseok. I’m okay now. I don’t need your help anymore. Thank you.”

 

The elder looks hurt, as if his pet had just died or something. _Stop making that face, it makes me want to kiss you and slap you at the same time_. He hates Hoseok’s sad face. He hates it a lot. “Please just go. I need time to think about everything. I’m a mess right now. Go so I can organize myself. Please, just… go.”  


The elder stands up and looks hesitantly, back at the younger. Kihyun’s expressions don’t change. He remains blank while the elder stands up slowly and dramatically, as if trying to say, “you sure you don’t want me to stay?” And Kihyun knows he’s lying. He wants Hoseok to stay so bad. He wants Hoseok to hug him, to comfort him, to give him the love that he’s never ever had. He’s never thought of the day that he tells Hoseok to go away until now. It feels horrible

 

Kihyun finds out that it’s because Hoseok was missing from his life, he can’t do his daily activities anymore. The elder was in so many parts of his schedule, if he’s missing Kihyun would have more time to think to himself and more time to think would only mean that Kihyun’s depressing thoughts are back, and that only causes nothing but extra troubles. “If you’re ready to come back, we’re all still in the lounge. Once the boy actually leaves, Kihyun makes a run for his room.

 

He laughs bitterly when he sees the connected bed, there’s no need for that now. He’s fucked up their friendship already. Before crawling into his bed, he presses the button diagonally below the alarm button, lifting the metal bar on the hospital bed. Now it was a single bed. Just like how without Hoseok’s help and guidance, Kihyun has to do things by himself. His anxiety was going to come back.

 

What’s the point of thinking about that? It’s already happened. Kihyun lies down and lets himself fall asleep again. He was always tired after panic attacks.

 

 

 

And with that, Kihyun’s been living here like the first week he was admitted, minus the part where Hoseok was inviting and caring towards him. He ignores Hoseok when the elder talks to him, often giving short one-word answers. Even Jooheon notices that there’s something wrong when Kihyun plops down into the seat next to Hyungwon and Minhyuk instead of Hoseok. “What? I just want to sit with new friends!” he fakes them out. Hyungwon looks unconvinced, looking over to Hoseok who has a frown on his face, expectantly. “What? I can’t stop him from sitting next to other people, right? I don’t _own_ him.”

 

“I’m not saying anything like that, I’m just wondering why he isn’t sitting next to you like usual, Hoseok-hyung,” Hyungwon replies calmly, a contrast to Hoseok, whose frown is starting to look permanent. “Then why look at me? Shouldn’t you ask him? It’s not as if I’ve been in charge of it all along.”

 

“Woah, okay hyung, stop with the passive aggressiveness,” Changkyun slows the two down and Hyungwon opens his mouth before closing it again, obviously thinking about something to say to Hoseok. “Hoseok, don’t talk about Kihyun like that. You make him sound as if he’s an object.” Hyunwoo speaks up, breaking the awkward tension between all of them. Kihyun looks back down at his food. Suddenly, he doesn’t feel that hungry anymore.

 

“Come on, guys. Let’s not fight anymore. We never fight, remember? We help each other.” Minhyuk tries to lighten the mood, but his smile was visibly forced. “Yeah, we never fought. Not until someone came.” Hoseok gets on his feet loudly, carrying his tray and dumping his untouched food into the trash can. Hyunwoo glances at Kihyun sympathetically, while the younger just watches as Hoseok storms off. Kihyun did a great job pissing him off. Jooheon looks confused, but at the same time, he looks like he understands. He always chooses to remain silent during situations like this.

 

“Fucking bastard. If he wasn’t hungry he could’ve just skipped dinner.” Hyungwon snarls. “Hyungwon…” Hyunwoo replies slowly. “Maybe he has his own reasons? We never know what’s going on in his mind unless we’re in his place.” Minhyuk nods, agreeing with Hyunwoo’s reasoning. “Yeah, I understand if he gets angry sometimes. But he’s been so fucking insensitive to Kihyun, I don’t get why he needs to treat him like this! So what if he’s angry at him? There’s a line between being upset and disrespectful.”

 

Hyungwon turns to look over at Kihyun, who’s still looking down at his food. This causes the tears in his eyes to well up and fall right onto his lap, creating a visible spot on his jeans. “I think we all need to cool down now. You know, have some time to ourselves,” Jooheon finally speaks. Changkyun nods, while Minhyuk puts a hand on Kihyun’s shoulder. “Hey, Kihyun. You alright?”

 

Kihyun nods, feeling stuck in his position. Hoseok was like that because of him, but at the same time Hoseok should’ve been more understanding towards Kihyun in his place. The lecture about parents was seriously overboard. He had gone overboard. But, Kihyun was a person filled with nothing but anxiety and self-doubt. He doesn’t know if he’s really the cause of all this. He had ruined all their friendships. He split them up, because of his own selfish thoughts. He shouldn’t have told Hoseok that he was uncomfortable about that.

 

Because now, although he’s still not alone after losing a friend, he’s caused Hyungwon and Hoseok’s relationship to turn sour. Whatever disagreement happened between the two was his fault, and he can’t help but to feel guilty at all. He wants to pour his heart out to someone, anyone, but he’s not going to do that at a canteen table, in front of every single living being in the rehabilitation center.

 

“I’m fine. Thank you. You guys should check on Hoseok.” Kihyun evades further comfort from the rest. That’ll only make him feel worse. “No, when Hoseok gets angry he needs a few days to cool off.” Jooheon adds. A few days? This guy really was sensitive. “Is there a way to shorten that time?” Kihyun asks, a tinge of hope in his voice. “Not any ways that I know of. Hoseok-hyung’s very emotional.” The youngest replies. “But, Kihyun-hyung, I can tell that you’re very special to him. Maybe he won’t be angry for too long because of you.”

 

Kihyun sighs. He’s never going to be able to fix this. “Great, I think I’ve lost my appetite as well.” Hyungwon complains. It’s not like he ever has an appetite anyway. “Does anyone want my food?” Hyungwon asks. “You should at least try to eat some, Hyungwon.” Kihyun glances up at the skinny boy who shakes his head. “I feel nauseous when I eat food if I’m not hungry.”

 

“We’ll just split it amongst ourselves.” Hyunwoo replies quietly, and Hyungwon gives a small smile to the oldest. If Hyunwoo was in Hoseok’s position, what would he do? Well, he wouldn’t have talked more about parents after seeing the look on Kihyun’s face. As much as Kihyun knows that it’s not his fault, he thinks that maybe he is just a little _too_ sensitive as well. Nothing good happens when two sensitive people fight.

 

 

 

When Kihyun returns to his room, one of the separated beds were already occupied by a sleeping Hoseok. Maybe he wasn’t sleeping, but thinking. Kihyun did that often. Kihyun doesn’t think much about the sleeping boy and grabs his towel to go to the main toilets, where he meets a smiling Minhyuk and the absence of Hyunwoo. This was probably one of the first times he’s seen the Minhyuk without Hyunwoo.

 

“Hey, Kihyun.” The boy says solemnly even though his face says otherwise. This was the first time he’s ever heard Minhyuk speak so glumly, he was usually a little loud and very careless with his choice of words. “Hi, Minhyuk. What’re you doing?” Kihyun asks, squeezing the toothpaste on his toothbrush. The elder laughs with his toothbrush in his mouth. “What am I doing? I don’t know, you tell me. Why do I have a toothbrush in my mouth?”

 

“Okay, I get it, Minhyuk. You’re brushing your teeth.” Kihyun chuckles dryly. “What’s up with today?” Minhyuk huffs. Even Minhyuk looks exhausted. Kihyun shrugs. What _was_ up with today? Everyone was just so out of character, even Jooheon and Minhyuk, and those two never failed to lighten the mood up.

 

“Do you know what’s happening with Hoseok? Wait, honestly, what has been happening for the past week? There’s a pretty noticeable tension between you two,” Minhyuk says, and it’s almost as if the elder was looking right through Kihyun. “Don’t tell the other guys. I don’t want to blow this out of proportion.” Kihyun’s eyes scan the room in case there were others in there. They were the only ones. “Can I be honest?” Minhyuk nods.

 

“Hoseok talked about his family, and I get that he loves them, and he does deserve the right to talk about them if he wishes, but I myself am not on good terms with my parents. I told him that I don’t really have things to say to my own parents and he gave me a full length lecture about why I should love my parents. But how can I love them if they’ve done unforgivable things to me?” Minhyuk looks taken aback, shocked even.

 

“You’ve been sensitive about topics like this but you never talked about it with anyone? I can’t even count the amount of times we’ve all talked about your parents. I’m so sorry, Kihyun…”

 

“It’s not like that. I like all of your happy faces when you talk about your parents. It’s just that he gave me a lecture about how I was supposed to treat my parents ‘right’ when I told him that I didn’t miss them. I was clearly uncomfortable but he continued on with his damn lecture.” It feels good to finally get it off his chest. It’s been weighing on him for the past week. Kihyun’s now waiting for Minhyuk’s reaction, hoping that he wouldn’t think Kihyun was being too hypersensitive.

 

“Wow, for someone so sensitive I never expected him to do something so _insensitive_ ,” Minhyuk smirks, but it was a cold smirk of disbelief. Minhyuk is about to leave before Kihyun stops him. “Wait, Minhyuk. Please don’t blame it on him or go against him. I don’t think he meant it.”

 

“We’ll see about that, shall we?” Minhyuk asks before he turns his back again. Oh god, what has he done?

 

 

 

Kihyun lets himself walk back to his room, his shoulders slumped and face full of disappointment. He doesn’t know how he’s going to be able to fix this, he’s probably the least experiences with relationships – be it romantic or platonic, in his place and he has no idea how to do anything. Hoseok always approached him first, so Kihyun never really learnt how to be the one to approach the other first.

 

It doesn’t help that he’s ruined how Hyungwon feels about Hoseok, and now Minhyuk as well. Kihyun feels as if he’s nothing but trouble. He opens the door quietly, like how Hoseok would when he’s back and Kihyun’s half-asleep. Oh, does he miss Hoseok asking if he was good for the day. Now the room’s just cold and silent. It was an overwhelmingly helpless feeling, and the tension, though Hoseok was probably asleep, was as strong as ever.

 

Kihyun misses the first time that he met Hoseok, when the two knew nothing about each other. He misses that night he had a panic attack and Hoseok helped him get out of it. He misses it all – everything that he’s done with Hoseok. Because now, everything’s a huge mess and he didn’t have Hoseok by his side, helping him to fix everything. He’s fallen out with Hoseok, and Hoseok didn’t care anymore.

 

He slides into his bed quietly, his new single bed. It was once a king sized bed. But now, when he looks over to his right, the other half of their king sized bed had been separated and placed not too far away from the other half. Though the bed looked pretty close still, it felt as if it was miles away. Just like how Kihyun felt about Hoseok at that exact moment. He scans Hoseok’s bed for a moment, before sighing to himself softly.

 

He just has to live through being all cold with Hoseok, though he’s never going to get used to that. Kihyun glances around the room again just in case, before switching off the lights with the remote by his bed. He stares into the darkness and his eyelids start to droop gradually. And then, he’s drifting, drifting, drifting. Before he falls asleep, though, the distinct sound of someone sobbing can be heard. He looks to his right groggily, and sure, Hoseok was the source of the sobs. He ignores that, shutting his eyes as hardly as he could.

 

 

 

Kihyun wakes up with the sun shining in his eyes and a pounding ache in his head. Great, the first few minutes of his new day just started and he already feels horrible. The bed to his right was empty, the sheets undone and messy still. This was a horrible start to his day. He feels hungover, but he’s never had alcohol in his entire life. He feels so tired too, but he doesn’t have a reason to be tired. When he looks over to the digital clock next to his bed, his sleeping had already run past breakfast time and was cutting into group therapy now.

 

Screw group therapy, he thinks. He’ll just give it a miss. Kihyun doesn’t even want to think about what Minhyuk or Hyungwon would say to Hoseok – they seemed pretty damn angry the day before. Maybe he should just go downstairs to make sure there isn’t a full on fight or something. That’ll totally be a horrible scenario that Kihyun would never want to walk in on. But, he still has to take responsibility for everything that he’s caused.

 

He’s only late because he was extremely exhausted from the night before, and because his roommate didn’t want to wake him up from his slumber. This wasn’t Hoseok’s fault, though. This was his own fault.

 

When Kihyun stands up, the pounding in his head worsens and his vision is blurry as hell. Everything seems hazy still even after Kihyun can see properly again, and it feels as if he’s in a dream. Was he in a dream? He pinches himself. No, it can’t be. He’s still awake. Instead of going downstairs to group therapy, the boy lets himself sleep even more. He already feels terrible both mentally and physically, so that’s a good valid reason to be skipping group therapy.

 

 

 

At lunch time, Kihyun finally wakes again but Hoseok is still nowhere to be seen even though they were supposed to be having their free time before individual therapy starts. A loud bang could be heard from the bathrooms when Kihyun finally decides to get up and take a shower – and to his surprise the source of the noise was indeed Shin Hoseok. He stands, facing a wall, plenty of blood dripping from his knuckles.

 

He groans in frustration, throwing another punch at the wall and his fingers were purple. “Fuck!” he growls, probably oblivious to the fact that Kihyun was behind him, and watching his every move. Kihyun wants to stop him, he didn’t want the elder to get hurt. But at the same time, Hoseok probably hated his guts now and might beat him up, and Kihyun doesn’t want that to happen. He’s already turned enough people away from Hoseok.

 

His knuckles were bruised and his skin was torn, exposing some flesh and Kihyun feels a little nauseous – he was already having a restless morning and now this. Hoseok was so, so stupid to decide to punch a wall. What good can he even get out of this? A broken wrist?

 

The blood seeps between the boy’s fingers, and from the back, Kihyun’s never seen someone so _broken_. Maybe himself in the mirror once or twice. Hoseok launches another punch at the white wall and he winces as his blood stains the wall. Why was he doing this? “Hoseok? What the hell are you doing?” Kihyun pushes the boy away from the wall. A daring move. Hoseok glares, and he almost snarls. “Why the fuck do you care?”

 

“Why would I not care? You’re my friend, Hoseok.” The boy scoffs. “Friend? Friends don’t fucking ignore each other for weeks! Friends don’t keep secrets from each other! Friends are supposed to be close, trustworthy and loyal! Friends will never leave you!”

 

“I never fucking left you, Hoseok! What’s happened to you? Why do you think punching a damn wall is going to help you get a friend back?” Kihyun steps forward and the boy winces in pain as he clenches and unclenches his fists. “You never left me? Why don’t you explain the reason why you’ve been giving me the cold shoulder?”

 

“Can we please go see a nurse? Your hand is…” Kihyun starts but Hoseok interrupts him. “You’re evading the question, aren’t you? Can you fucking tell me why you’ve been ignoring me?”

 

Kihyun grabs the elder’s hand, and he feels the other’s hand relaxing for a short moment before tensing up again. “Let’s go see a nurse before I tell you the reason why.” He tries to reason with Hoseok, but it doesn’t work. Hoseok pulls his hand away swiftly, so roughly that it causes Kihyun a certain amount of physical pain and a whole lot of emotional pain. Kihyun withdraws with a look of hurt on his face and he swears Hoseok’s expression wavers for a moment. “Fuck you, Kihyun. You’re just going to take me there and leave, aren’t you?” The boy says lowly.

 

How can Hoseok say all these things after all that they’ve gone through together? Kihyun feels like breaking all their promises – the no self-harming pact, and everything that he’s ever agreed on with Hoseok. This time, he actually feels anger above all his other emotions. Hoseok was so, so wrong. He’s never imagined words like that coming out of the elder’s mouth. It was unbelievable.

 

“It’s nice to see how much you trust me, Hoseok.” Kihyun grits his teeth, maintaining his eye contact with the older boy while the tears welling up in his eyes are starting to hinder his eyesight. He turns away before one teardrop falls out his eye, he wasn’t crying for Hoseok this time. “Wait, Kihyun…”

 

“Bye, Hoseok.” He replies bitterly, gulping visibly as he tries to hold back his tears. This was already the worst day of his life. He feels the elder’s stare on his back and another tear falls out his eye. This one’s for ruining a perfectly okay friendship, Yoo Kihyun. You did a good job fucking Hoseok up. Now he’s changed, he’s changed so much. He’s the opposite of what he was previously. Nice one, Kihyun.

 

Kihyun walks down the halls with his shoulders slumped in disappointment, feelings mixed. But one thing that he definitely could feel, was anger. He was disheartened. Why was Hoseok being like that?

 

He slams the room door open, and slams it shut as well. Kihyun’s never felt so damn desperate in his life before, and he doesn’t know whether this is about Hoseok or himself. In the midst of promising about never self-harming again, the sudden urge comes back to Kihyun and he can’t resist it. He doesn’t have enough self-control to resist. His only form of control was Hoseok. Now that he’s gone, Kihyun can do whatever he wants. He can even kill himself!

 

He digs into his luggage, the one that he’s never fully packed out upon his arrival, pulling out a little toiletry bag. He can’t believe that after a month, he’s doing this again. Whenever he has the urge to, he feels as if he’s not in his body and his arms and legs just do the work. It was just a strange feeling overall – and Kihyun hated it. He hates not having full control of his body. He also hates not having full control on the pain inflicted on him. If he feels pain, he’d prefer the pain to be caused by himself and not others.

 

 _I’m breaking promises here_ , Kihyun thinks, pulling out the small razor. But does it even matter now? The one that he’s made the promise with has probably left him for good. What’s the difference between punching a wall and cutting yourself? There’s not much difference, Hoseok had done it for the sake of giving himself pain. When he thinks about Hoseok, he runs the blade through his skin and forms a single, thin line. Blood starts to gather up at different points of the cut and Kihyun tilts his arm so these droplets can be formed into a single, large droplet, then get heavy enough to drop on the ground.

 

Kihyun does it a few more times and though the amount of blood dripping onto the linoleum floor starts to multiply he doesn’t stop at all. He’ll just clean that up later. Kihyun doesn’t wince in pain when he makes a few more slits, instead pain is replaced with a sick, twisted smile. He’s missed this feeling. Since that day that he promised Hoseok he’d not do it again, Kihyun has been getting urges and now he’s finally satisfying them.

 

The guilt might overwhelm him, but it’s washed away by the feelings of satisfaction. Kihyun feels accomplished to have finally managed to do this again, a little relieved even.

 

So what if Hoseok would be disappointed? The elder would probably not be, actually, since he didn’t even care much about Kihyun anymore. The boy was allowed to do whatever he wants now, no restrictions, no nothing. He doesn’t want their other friends to know about this if they didn’t necessarily have to know.

 

After the underside of his left arm is mutated and bleeding and there’s not much space to and pleasure or space for making cuts anymore, Kihyun brings the blade to the room bathroom and rinses the red liquid off. He pulls a couple pieces of tissue to wipe the floor, but he doesn’t do a good job wiping it because there’s still brownish red stains on the floor. So what? It’ll be cleaned eventually. Kihyun lies down in his bed – he felt exhausted though he hasn’t done anything much for the day. He lets himself not bother anymore. Nothing good ever comes out of bothering, that’s what he’s learnt.

 

He pulls his sleeve over the cuts, ignoring the fact that the cuts were unwashed and still bleeding. He doesn’t care about the sleeve of his sweater sticking to his wounds. Screw that, he’ll fix it later. Now, all that Kihyun wants to do is sleep.

 

 

 

Kihyun never knew that he had it in himself to be able to sleep for so long, because now it’s the next day and he’s preparing to actually go down for breakfast because he’s starving. He wonders if Hoseok even came back that night, because his bed seemed untouched. But it’s okay, he’s forcing himself to not bother to look for Hoseok. He can go do anything for all Kihyun cares. The boy winces in pain when he lifts his arm, and he looks down at it. The blood had seeped through his white sweater. Kihyun sighs, annoyed, before going to the bathroom to change. It wasn’t a good idea to wear a white sweater with bleeding wounds.

 

Everything currently looked like a huge blur, Kihyun holds his hands up and he can’t really count his fingers. His breath was short as well, and he gasps for oxygen when his breaths get shallow. It didn’t help that his head was pounding too.

 

Upon standing up, Kihyun immediately feels faint for a moment before sitting back down on the bed to regain his composure. When he looks into the mirror he’s shocked because he’s honestly never seen himself so pale in his entire life. His lips were completely lifeless and colorless. Was he getting sick? But he felt fine, except for the part where he had a headache and everything was kind of blurry to him. He feels disgustingly weak. Maybe he should go see a nurse. No, he can’t. He had just relapsed the day before.

 

Kihyun gets changed, dumping the blood-stained sweater sleeve into cold soapy water. That way, the blood stains would be gotten rid of. His eyes flicker to his forearm and damn, the fresh angry wounds were still bleeding a little, his skin puffing up a little. He throws a jacket over this and heads out the door slowly – if he did things fast, he’d feel faint and weak. It feels as if no matter how much he sleeps, he still feels exhausted.

 

Whenever the jacket rubs against his wounds, the boy flinches and clutches his left arm with the other. He sticks his hand into the sleeve, where the wounds are, and when he takes it out his hand is smudged in blood. It was so messy, but it’s a good thing that the jacket he threw on was black. He continues to drag himself down for breakfast.

 

It’s not a surprise when he finds out that Hoseok isn’t there, and breakfast is nothing but awkward. Kihyun hasn’t been down for breakfast for a day, and the others are worried. But he ensures them that he’s fine from his presence. “Are you sure you’re fine? You’re extremely pale and your hands are cold.” Hyungwon asks, and Kihyun nods. Hyungwon is still unconvinced because his eyes scan Kihyun once more. “Are you not going to eat, Hyungwon?” Kihyun attacks him with a question as well.

 

“I’m not eating today. I don’t have an appetite.” The younger says. Minhyuk looks worried, and so do the rest of them. “Hyungwon, at least try to eat a little?” The oldest asks, while Minhyuk nods in agreement. But Hyungwon shakes his head, insisting that he couldn’t eat if he wasn’t hungry. “You look really pale, gosh. When was the last time you ate?” Hyunwoo asks, and Kihyun shrugs in response. If he were to be honest, he couldn’t really remember the last time he ate either.

 

Kihyun doesn’t really know what else goes on in the span of breakfast because he’s been snapping in and out of reality. One moment Changkyun’s making a joke, and the next Kihyun is already done with his meal and they’re all standing up, ready to go.

 

“Kihyun-hyung?” Jooheon asks, giving him a hand. Kihyun gives him his left hand, and winces in pain when pressure is put on it. It feels as if he’s just started bleeding again. Jooheon didn’t even touch the wounds, just his hand. “Are you sure you’re okay? Do you want to take a rest?”

 

“No, I’m fine. I think I’m coming down with something, but other than that, I’m fine.” Kihyun denies it, waving his right hand. He almost trips on the floor when he starts to make his way to the rest of them, and Jooheon trails behind, holding him up when needed. “Thanks, Jooheon…” He half slurs. “Hyung, do you want to go to the nurse?” Jooheon asks. Kihyun shakes his head. They’ll check his wrists. “No, no. I’m fine. Thank you, Jooheon.”

 

“Hyung, there’s no need to keep saying thanks to me. You’re my friend, and I need to take care of you. Now, are you sure that you’re fine?” Jooheon chuckles. Kihyun insists that he’s fine, but he loses his balance while doing so. Jooheon laughs when he holds him back up, however Minhyuk looks worried. “Kihyun, I don’t know what’s happening to you but you’re definitely not fit for therapy or any other activities.”

 

He tries to explain that he’s fine when he catches up with the rest of them, but he nearly falls on Changkyun while he’s doing so. “Woah, Kihyun-hyung. You are _not_ fine. If you don’t want to go to the nurse, let’s at least take you to your room, shall we?” And Kihyun finally agrees, letting the others lead him out of the canteen and to the other block, where the rooms were at. “I still think you should get the nurse. This isn’t too normal…” Hyungwon holds him back a second. Hyunwoo nods in agreement and Kihyun’s eyes widen. “No, it’s fine. I’ll just sleep it off.”

 

“Okay, just lean on me for the time being if you’re having troubles balancing,” Hyunwoo offers a shoulder and Kihyun accepts it gladly. “Thank you, hyung.”

 

Kihyun can stand on his own when he reaches the lobby. He takes his arm off Changkyun’s shoulder. He doesn’t want help from the others because it’s putting his left arm in even more pain, and if they grip hard enough his blood will seep through the material and onto their hands. The only thing that he could feel at that moment was his arm tingling, and it hurts, god, it hurts so much. He regrets it all. His vision is being covered by a thick haze and he suddenly stops walking, inducing the stares of his friends. “Kihyun?” Hyunwoo asks. Kihyun shakes his head and presses a hand against his temple. “No, I’m fine.”

 

His sweat was cold. His breaths were dry. “Kihyun-hyung?” Changkyun asks. Kihyun doesn’t know what’s happening but he can feel himself collapsing on the cold, hard floor. “Kihyun!” Was the last thing that he could hear before he blacks out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HmmMmmmM WHAT happens to kihyun ???????????????????????????????


	5. PART V: TRUCE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Settling down.

“Still don’t know why he’ll do that…”

 

“Maybe it was because of Hoseok or some other problems…” another voice rings out.

 

Kihyun’s eyelids flutter open to see his friends all crowded around him, with the absence of one. They all had disheartening frowns plastered on their faces. Where was he? A hospital? The entire room was white, and all that could be heard were the murmurings of his friends and the beeping of a machine. It smells like rubbing alcohol in here, Kihyun thinks. He gulps. His mouth was extremely dry, but he didn’t have a problem breathing now. He looks at his friends. They all had looks of worry, disappointment, confusion and sympathy mixed into one expression.

 

“Hi guys…” Kihyun smiles groggily, but none of them are smiling or even reacting to him. “Why?” Minhyuk simply asks. Kihyun furrows his brows. “Why what?”

 

“Why did you do that?” The boy points Kihyun lifts his neck to glance down at his now bandaged up left arm. “Oh. I don’t know.”

 

“You didn’t do this because of Hoseok, didn’t you?” Hyungwon asks heavily. “I can’t believe that fucking bastard’s not even here when he’s probably the cause of all these problems.” Kihyun shakes his head quickly. “No, that’s not it. I’m sorry, I just couldn’t help myself. It’s not about Hoseok. Why are you guys making such a big deal out of this? So many people here self-harm.”

 

“Because,” Minhyuk starts, and there are tears welling up in his eyes, “Kihyun, you’re our friend. Friends care a lot for each other. You say it’s not serious? It’s way more serious than you expect! Do you know that when you blacked out we carried you to the nurse’s and they had to shine a light into your eyes because you might’ve gotten seriously injured? Do you know that they had to put a fucking oxygen mask on you because you didn’t have enough oxygen in your blood?”

 

“And lastly, do you know how fucking heartbreaking it is to find out the reason that one of your closest friends only had declining oxygen levels in their blood was because they had so many deep cuts on their wrists? You lost so much blood. You could’ve died, Kihyun. We’re all worried sick. Why the hell did you do that?” The white-blonde cries, shedding a tear or two in the process. “Please, Kihyun. I know you don’t think you’re that important because you’ve only been in here for a month, but you are so, so important to every single one of us and you need to know that.”

 

Hyunwoo stands up as well. “Kihyun, you shouldn’t be stopping yourself from telling us things just because you think you’re a burden. You aren’t a burden, and you never were. Everyone here has felt like a burden before, and now we don’t and we’re here to tell you that you should not feel like one. You aren’t just a new member in our therapy group, but a new friend that we all have. Do you know what friends do? We tell each other our problems, and we never hide anything from each other. Now, don’t you think it’s unfair that you help us with our problems but you carry the weight of your own problems on your back, and alone? Kihyun, you need to trust us because we want to help you feel less alone too.”

 

Jooheon sniffs – and Kihyun looks up. They all look as if someone had just died. “I… I’m sorry. You’re right.” He manages to choke out before he feels himself breaking down, and his heart starts beating in rapid speed again. “I-I should’ve g-gone to you all w-when I was having m-my problems.” He wheezes, and the rest of them look at him as if something was going terribly wrong. He doesn’t know why, but he notices it when he starts shaking. He was having a panic attack.

 

“Oh shit, Hoseok-hyung told me that he gets those,” Changkyun looks around hurriedly, unsure of what to do. “Stop being so loud, just… I don’t know! Kihyun, hey, hey! Kihyun, breathe. You can do it.” Hyungwon repeats. “Just breathe in, deep breaths.” Kihyun’s response is barely audible. “I c-can’t b-breathe…”

 

“Breathe, we’re here.” Hyungwon assures him and Kihyun tries, but he’s still quivering in a way that seems like it’s never going to stop. “I r-really c-can’t b-breathe,” the boy chokes out, and Minhyuk stands up from his chair, enveloping the boy in his arms. “Kihyun, let your breathing follow my counting. One, two, one, two.”

 

Kihyun follows, but he feels nauseous now, and the thoughts are just weighing on him. Was he going to throw up? He can’t throw up, he’s _afraid_ of throwing up. “I-I,” Kihyun is unable to speak coherently, only able to make a few noises before sucking in a breath before it was back to sobbing and hyperventilating again. “Don’t try to speak, just get your breathing sorted out first,” Minhyuk pats Kihyun’s back. “Look, listen to me.”

 

“Listen to my breathing. Follow that, okay?” The elder breathes in and out loudly, as a guide for Kihyun. Kihyun follows suit, soon feeling himself calm down again, finally. “There are a million reasons to panic right now, but calm down first and we’ll expel these reasons.” Changkyun stands up, grabbing the elder’s unwounded hand while the wounded one is around Minhyuk’s neck, Minhyuk still hugging the younger. The youngest rubs his hand, assuring Kihyun.

 

“You’re safe, Hyung. Trust us.” Changkyun says. Minhyuk brings a hand up to Kihyun’s chest to feel his heart beating and his lungs gradually taking in more air. Jooheon tries to help too, by shushing him instinctively, nodding at the elder. Kihyun lets out a dry sob – one of defeat. At least his breathing’s stabilizing, and Changkyun notices this because he starts to recite out words of encouragement.

 

Kihyun’s breathing starts to get sorted out and he finally relaxes against Minhyuk’s shoulder, letting a tear or two trickle down his cheek, then onto Minhyuk’s sweater. The elder was warm, and Kihyun felt comfortable. Minhyuk stops patting his back for a moment to look back at the boy that was panicking previously. “See, Kihyun? You’re alright. We’re with you. You’re going to be safe.”

 

Kihyun looks back at all the people that he calls his friends. Friends who help each other. He was going to trust them, and let them be friends to him as he was to them. Hyunwoo was right. It can’t always just be him carrying the burdens alone. In a friendship, burdens should be shared. He should start trusting the guys more. “T-thank you guys. I can’t believe I just did that in front of you,” he laughs bitterly, and Minhyuk’s worried face turns into a bright smile immediately.

 

“Hey, Kihyun. You get panic attacks and we’ll accept that. Even if you panic in front of us, we won’t laugh it off or talk behind your back. We’ll help you.” Hyunwoo states and the rest nod along. “Yes, Kihyun-hyung. You’re not alone in this battle.” Jooheon replies thoughtfully. Kihyun smiles at the younger. “I… seriously don’t know what I’ll do without you guys. You guys are my strength and one of the main reasons why I’ve gotten better and well… thank you so much. For making me feel less alone in this new environment.” Kihyun admits.

 

“Aww!” Minhyuk coos. “Group hug! Be careful of Kihyun’s bandage, though!” All five of them rush towards Kihyun, with open, inviting arms. Kihyun grins, embracing every single one of them. “You’re the best friends I’ve ever had in my entire life,” Kihyun has tears welling up in his eyes because he’s never really had friends as close as they were to him in his life. Friends, to him, only came and went. None of them stayed, all of them were temporary. Or at least, Kihyun was temporary.

 

He doesn’t feel temporary here. He feels permanent. As if these people really regarded him as a part of themselves – and he feels so touched, so blessed that he’s managed to meet people like them. His mother had sent him here in hopes of getting rid of her son, and she unknowingly sent him into the better part of his life, where he didn’t have to face his parents and live in fear every single day. She’s done good, to a certain extent.

 

“Hey, are you crying?” Hyungwon teases, grinning widely. “No.” Kihyun replies, but he obviously is because he’s now wiping off his tears with the hem of his shirt. “Haha, you totally are, hyung! We touched you so much that you started crying!” Changkyun teases and Kihyun continues to laugh despite the fact that his tears were blurring his vision. “You know, we’ve got a lot of problems.” Kihyun says, bitter but sweet at the same time. The rest of them nod in agreement, laughing. These aren’t happy laughs, but Kihyun still feels contented.

 

Their grips loosen and soon they’re all just standing by Kihyun’s bed. “Don’t ever do that again okay?” Minhyuk asks, wrapping his arms around Kihyun again. “I’m sorry that you had to go through all of that alone.” He whispers into Kihyun’s ear and the younger nods, wiping his tears. “Minhyuk-hyung, I can’t believe you’re crying!” Jooheon pesters the elder and Minhyuk replies with a loud tut. “Hey! I’m touched and a little sad.” And Jooheon nods. “Kihyun-hyung, you can tell us anything. Even when Hoseok-hyung finally gets his shit together and you guys start dating.”

 

Kihyun’s eyes widen and the rest of them laugh at how shocked he was. “Little rascal! It’s an emotional moment.” Minhyuk shakes his head at the second youngest and Jooheon shrugs. “Oh, well.”

 

“Swear to us, Kihyun.” Hyunwoo says, “swear that it’ll never happen again.” Kihyun swears that it’ll _never_ happen again, and the youngest sighs a happy sigh.

 

“I’m so sorry that you guys had to sit next to me and wait, I will never do this anymore. I’ll throw away my razor.” Kihyun promises and Hyunwoo recognizes this, nodding in reply. Hyungwon looks around, fiddling with his sleeve. “Is he really not going to show up?”

 

“Who?” Jooheon and Changkyun look up in unison and Hyungwon hesitates for a moment before saying the name, “Hoseok”.

 

“What actually happened between you two?” He asks again, and Minhyuk makes eye contact with Kihyun with a knowing look in his eyes. “I’d rather just keep it between Hoseok and myself. Hyungwon, you’ve been eating well, haven’t you?” Kihyun attacks the other with another question so that the conversation is diverted from Hoseok’s absence. The younger nods profusely, something that he never did. He was _lying_. “Yeah, I have. Kihyun, why are you acting like you’re on your deathbed?”

 

Kihyun shrugs. “I’m that way, I guess. Oh, right, I forgot to ask when I can leave and where I am.” Changkyun laughs loudly. “Wait, you’ve never been here?” Kihyun nods. It looked like the nurse’s office, but it looked like a hospital as well. “We’re in the nurses’, and they said that you can leave when you’re awake, which is now, which is why we’re so relieved that you’re awake.”

 

“What time is it?” He asks, a clock not in sight. Minhyuk looks at his watch, the only thing that helps him keep track of time in this place. “It’s ten. Ten at night.”

 

“That’s… you guys waited here for entire day?” Kihyun asks, eyes widening. “We wanted to, but they forced us to go to therapy first while the doctors were doing checks on you. You have to go to therapy tomorrow, your doctor says that he wants to go see you.” Damn. Kihyun didn’t really think it was that serious. “Do you want to go now? You have to be careful, though. I’ll go find a nurse.” Hyungwon pulls the blinds and walks out.

 

The nurse comes back with a smile and some tools that Kihyun could recognize. “Hi. Before you leave, we have to check your blood pressure and heart beat rate just in case.” She motions for Kihyun to sit up and places a cloth band around Kihyun’s upper arm, and Kihyun squirms as it expands on his arm. Changkyun snickers at the elder’s reaction, and Kihyun sends him a glare.

 

Next up, the nurse takes out what looks like a stethoscope (probably was) and check’s Kihyun’s heartbeat. He squirms when the cold metal touches the center of his back, causing him to be the cause of all the laughter again. The nurse smiles, friendly. “Alright, you’re good to go! Please remember to attend all your therapies, because you’ll be under close watch now.”

 

Close watch? Kihyun wants to scream. He doesn’t like that, but it was probably the best for him to have that. “Come on.” Jooheon helps him up again and soon they’re down the halls, ready to go back to their rooms. Unlike that morning, Kihyun could now clearly see the halls and had balance while he was walking. Everyone seemed to be staring at him, and he looks over to Hyunwoo, worried. “Oh, no.”

 

“You kind of… fainted in front of everybody so they just want to know if you’re alright.” Kihyun groans. “I did? That’s so _embarrassing_.” Minhyuk laughs loudly, like he usually did. “No worries, okay? They’ll forget about it sooner or later.” Yeah, they’ll forget, just like how Kihyun forgets that Hoseok would be in their room. “Hey, Kihyun?” Hyungwon asks, biting his lips. “Yeah?” Kihyun turns his head from the entrance.

 

“Tell me if something’s wrong or if he… does something. My room’s there.” The tall boy points to a room not too far away from Kihyun’s and Hoseok’s. “I stay with Hyunwoo, though. But I doubt that’ll be a problem for you too.” Kihyun acknowledges this. “Right. Thank you, Hyungwon. Where did you get all these bruises from?”

 

The younger has bruises on his arms and a split lip, and he looks as if he was involved in a fight. “Well, I… tend to fall over and trip over things a lot.” He’s lying again.

 

“Oh, and your jacket that you wore today’s in the laundry. If I’m not wrong, Changkyun was the one that sent it to laundry. He said it was ‘drenched in blood’, but that kid tends to over exaggerate, but yeah, he’ll probably pick it up for you as well. I’ll see you tomorrow and after therapy. Umm… you missed a few episodes.” Hyungwon says slowly and it takes Kihyun a while to register what Hyungwon was talking about.

 

“The court lady, the old one. She dies…” Hyungwon says gravely, and Kihyun sighs. “I liked her. She was always protecting the main character.” Hyungwon nods in agreement. “Anyway, let’s not get too into talking about the show. Have a good night’s rest, okay?”

 

“Okay!” Kihyun says right before Hyungwon turns his back to go to his own room. “Night,” Hyungwon yawns tiredly. This was probably the latest that the boy was up, since it was said that he sleeps at nine every night, according to Hyunwoo, who was his roommate so Kihyun had no doubt it was true. Kihyun lets out one heavy sigh as he clicks the door open, unable to face Hoseok.

 

Unlike the words that Hoseok had said to him, his actions were completely different. What stands before Kihyun, was their two beds now connected into one like before, and Hoseok’s curled up at his own side. _You really need to make up your mind about me_ , Kihyun thinks when he glances over the elder who is sleeping peacefully. Kihyun doesn’t know what he’s supposed to feel about this, but he crawls into the bed anyways, too tired to think.

 

Before he sleeps, he fixates his eyes on the elder, his eyelashes casting a shadow on his face from the night light and breaths peaceful and slow. It’s calming how he’s rising, then falling, then rising again. For a moment, Kihyun forgets that everything that had happened actually happened. Kihyun forgets the pain that Hoseok’s caused him. Kihyun forgets Hoseok pushing him away, telling him to go away.

 

He glances at the empty space right next to Hoseok, and he wants to be there so badly that it almost hurts him physically. His heart longs to be next to Hoseok, it craves for his warm touch, he wanted it all. Everything.

 

It’s almost as if it was back when things were way more clear and less confusing, when he and Hoseok were on the best terms and would have a chat before they drifted off to sleep. Even though they don’t speak, Kihyun feels almost content. He’s ready to throw away all his feelings for Hoseok. The elder did him wrong, but Kihyun forgives him. Kihyun will forgive him, and they’ll live happily ever after.

 

Kihyun turns over, carrying his thoughts away from Hoseok and he ponders about sleeping instead. Sure enough, he was soon falling in and out of consciousness and drifting off, slowly and gradually. Right before he’s fallen into a deep, deep slumber, he hears the softest whisper of “sorry” right next to his ear. _That’s alright._ _I forgive you_.

 

 

 

When Kihyun arrives downstairs for breakfast, Hoseok’s already there and smiling brightly. His eyes flicker to meet Kihyun’s, and he nods with the smile still plastered on his face. “I have something to say,” the boy announces once Kihyun is at the table with his tray and everyone was present. Hyungwon raises an eyebrow as the second oldest raises a spoon up into the air. What the hell was he doing?

 

“I want to say that I’m sorry to every single one of you.” Hoseok starts. “I’m sorry for being so insensitive, yet so sensitive at the same time. I’m especially sorry to my roommate Kihyun, and I hope you don’t hate me too much.” Kihyun smiles, this was the fastest that he’s ever decided to forgive anybody. Maybe now, they could go back to normal, like how things always were before the fight had happened.

 

Minhyuk smiles. “You know what, Hoseok? It’s a great thing that you’re doing this. You’re usually so full of pride, and you never apologize first.” Hoseok laughs, not denying that fact. He looks down bitterly for a moment before his head’s back up again. “Well, I’ve been reflecting, and someone’s changed me to stop thinking that way.” Hoseok’s eyes meet Kihyun’s just as he says the line, and Kihyun looks away hurriedly. He still gets anxious because of eye contact.

 

Hyungwon snorts. “You sure you mean it, Hoseok?” and Hoseok nods confidently as a reply. “Okay, good. Let’s just let things go back to normal.” The younger ones usually don’t say anything during more ‘serious’ moments, so Jooheon and Changkyun are just silent and watching, their expressions unreadable. “Hyungwon, I’m sure he’s sincere.” Kihyun’s words expel the only traces of suspicion in Hyungwon’s expression, and he’s now smiling.

 

“What’s up with your lip?” Hoseok asks, pointing at Hyungwon’s busted lip that was already there the night before. Hyungwon shrugs. “I think I hit my face on something,” and Kihyun can still tell that he’s lying but he chooses not to say anything to the younger out loud. He’d do it in private later. Changkyun doesn’t look convinced either, and his eyes move down to the bruises on Hyungwon’s neck and arms. Something was definitely going on.

 

“Anyway, having Hoseok-hyung back is good, right? I’m glad that you’ve snapped out of whatever happened before. I can’t deny the fact that I have called you pretty… mean things.” Hyungwon admits and the elder laughs loudly. “I mean, I do admit that I was being a huge dick.” Jooheon chuckles at Hoseok’s choice of words. “Well, you weren’t really a _huge_ dick. You were more of a small dick.”

 

“Hey!” Hoseok giggles. “Anyway, I’m sorry and I hope that we could put our episode behind us.” The rest of them agree, including Hyungwon this time. It’s good to see friends make up. It feels like ages since their group was complete, and Hoseok was the last piece to complete their puzzle. The fact that Hoseok’s back, is soothing. It’s soothing and calming to Kihyun although the boy doesn’t know how to start talking to Hoseok again, and how to approach him first.

 

Hoseok’s eyes flicker around to meet everyone else’s eyes, and when his meet Kihyun’s again Kihyun’s heart jumps and he lets out a soft, almost silent “oof” sound. But of course, since he’s sitting next to Minhyuk, not a sound was to be missed. “Oof?” Minhyuk asks, furrowing his brows. The rest of them tilt their heads in confusion and Kihyun forces out a smile. “Oof. I accidentally hit myself.” That was a shitty excuse, and Hyungwon seems to think so as well.

 

What Kihyun doesn’t know is, why Hoseok is smiling at everyone but looking at him without an expression. It felt as if Hoseok was still mad, but if he was, he wouldn’t have looked at Kihyun in the first place. He wouldn’t have even tried to make amends with the rest if he was really infuriated. Kihyun’s overthinking it. He was on neutral terms with Hoseok. He was, right?

 

“It’s a little awkward, and it’s my fault.” Hoseok sighs, watching Changkyun stab into a sausage. “It’s fine, hyung. And I have a huge problem. When are they going to serve actual Korean food in this place? I’m sick of sausages and eggs every single morning.” The youngest complains and Minhyuk has a glint in his eyes before he bursts out excitedly. “That’s the thing! I’m so sick of all these… foods? We should complain and ask for real food!”

 

“That’s exaggerating,” Hyunwoo laughs. “Plus, it’s not that bad.” Kihyun raises an eyebrow. Not that bad? Hyunwoo should be pretty good with eating most things, then. “It’s not _that_ bad, it’s very bad.” Hyungwon adds, and Kihyun can see it. Hyungwon’s plate was always almost full at the end of meals. It was a little worrying that he didn’t eat. Kihyun would have to observe him for a couple days more to actually come to a conclusion. “You’re pretty picky though, Hyungwon.”

 

“You know, I actually do have a solution to your lack-of-Korean-food problem.” Hoseok pipes up, putting his fork down enthusiastically. “We have culinary classes, right? _Our_ Kihyun here is really, really, really good at cooking, well, everything. We can get good food through him!” The elder suggests and Kihyun thinks about it for a moment. They’re allowed to bring back the food they make, and Kihyun really liked cooking as well. Maybe that’ll actually work out.

 

“Yeah, I don’t see why I can’t do that,” Kihyun smiles and Minhyuk jumps in his chair. “Are you serious? You’re going to be my hero if you really do so! My savior, my lord…” Jooheon stops the elder. “Alright, Minhyuk-hyung. We get it. You love Kihyun. Let’s hear him speak, shall we?”

 

Everyone bellows in laughter except for Minhyuk, who pouts but eventually joins in as well. “Alright. I’ll put the food in a plastic container, they have those in the kitchen. Culinary classes are always before meals so the freshness of the food won’t be a problem.” Kihyun explains. Jooheon smirks. “Wow, hyung. You’re really a genius. I think you might be the best person on earth right now.”

 

“And not me?” Changkyun clutches his heart and lets out a fake, but loud cry. Their tablemates look at them and frown, Hyungwon laughing at the youngest after watching their expressions. “You’re in the first place with Kihyun-hyung, Changkyun,” Jooheon assures the younger, placing a hand on his back and Changkyun freezes for a second before he starts laughing again.

 

That’s what happens to Kihyun whenever Hoseok comes in contact with him. His whole body freezes to the touch and his brain pauses its movement for a second before it starts working again, but it makes his heart beat twice the speed it usually did. Changkyun’s eyes flicker for a moment to meet Kihyun’s, and Changkyun has a knowing look in his eyes. Kihyun knows it, and so did Changkyun. They were both truly and helplessly in love with another.

 

 

 

Right before Kihyun enters his room, a hand ghosts over his shoulder and taps him lightly. The boy jumps backwards, shrieking in response. The hand belonged to none other than Im Changkyun. “Changkyun? What are you doing? You nearly gave me a freaking heart attack!” Changkyun smiles. “You’re too cute, hyung.”

 

“Oh, hyung. I’m pretty sure you get heart attacks every day, right? Seeing that Hoseok hyung touches you pretty frequently as well.” Changkyun has a knowing grin plastered on his face. “Cut that smile,” Kihyun groans. “And lower down your damn volume, I don’t know if Hoseok’s in the room already.”

 

“That’s better!” The younger raises his voice, and Kihyun has to shush him hurriedly. Changkyun laughs silently, gasping for air loudly even though he didn’t need it – he was faking his laughter. “Why are you here? Did you just feel the urge to scare me? I’m a patient, Changkyun!”

 

“A patient,” Changkyun snickers. “Come on, hyung. You have to talk about your feelings for Hoseok-hyung.” Kihyun immediately diverts the boy’s words. “What feelings?” He questions, an unconvincing frown on his face. His eyebrows were furrowed in a weird way and his face was distorted, and Changkyun could obviously tell that the elder was acting, really badly as well.

 

“Oh really? What feelings?” The younger teases again and Kihyun glares. Fuck Changkyun and his _smart_ mouth. “Well, my feelings towards Hoseok are the same as your feelings towards Jooheon.” One point for Kihyun, because Changkyun actually looks taken aback, before his expression softens and he breaks out into a smirk again. “What are my feelings for Jooheon-hyung?”

 

“You love him?” Kihyun asks. Changkyun’s expression was unreadable and not a word was escaping from his mouth. Kihyun continues anyway. “I see you two together all the time. The both of you are inseparable, and although Jooheon denies it we know that he has feelings for you. I haven’t been here long and it’s already pretty damn obvious. Please start dating as soon as you can, both of you are so dumb and it’s killing all of us.”

 

Kihyun expects Changkyun to say something serious judging from his expression, but what Kihyun learnt from Changkyun was to never judge a book by its cover. For example, the first time he met Changkyun, he was intimidating and heck, he even looked older than Kihyun himself. The boy looks serious all the time, but he never really was serious all the time. Even Jooheon was more serious at times than him. Not Minhyuk, though.

 

“Ha!” Changkyun exclaims, and Kihyun shushes him again. “Be quiet, damn.” Changkyun ignores that and snorts. “You just told me about how you feel about Hoseok hyung. Like you said, me and Jooheon-hyung are just like you and Hoseok-hyung. You’re saying that the both of you are inseparable and have feelings for each other!”

 

Kihyun rolls his eyes at the younger. “Not literally, Changkyun.” The boy responds with a soft chuckle. “I’m sorry, Kihyun-hyung, but I only like to interpret things my way!”

 

“Well, I meant it. Can you please just tell Jooheon about your feelings for him?” Kihyun brings that up again and Changkyun refuses to give him a proper answer. “Oops, got to go! I can hear my roommate calling me!” Bullshit. His roommate was Jooheon and Kihyun couldn’t hear that boy’s voice anywhere. Then again, it did make sense.

 

“God damn it, Im Changkyun.” The elder sighs as the young boy gallops down the halls loudly and clumsily – and Kihyun snickers when he hears complaints from the rooms that Changkyun galloped past. “You’re not a horse, Changkyun! Just walk!”

 

“I can be whatever I want to! I am what I am!” Jesus Christ, Im Changkyun. Now all he hopes was that Hoseok heard nothing from their conversation.

 

Kihyun opens his room door, to Hoseok sitting on the beds and reading something. Thank god, he was focused on whatever he was reading instead of listening to Kihyun’s (probably) amusing conversation with Changkyun. Upon looking closer, the boy was reading Kihyun’s notebook. He can’t be reading that, there are pages and pages full of nothing but his name and his name alone.

 

Kihyun dashes over as fast as lightning to grab the book out of the boy’s hands, and Hoseok looks up at him, mouth agape before realizing that it was Kihyun who had snatched the notebook. “Oh, hey Kihyun. I was looking around and I found this. Pretty… interesting content. I think my name’s pretty too.”

 

Kihyun turns into a deep scarlet and the boy chuckles, his hands a little guilty. “I’m sorry if the book was a little private. I couldn’t resist.” Who did Hoseok think he was? As much as Kihyun wants to forgive the elder, reading something so private was just going a little too far. Kihyun throws the book on the desk and rummages through his things to look for his toothbrush. He holds it up in front of Hoseok, and the elder nods in understanding even though a single word doesn’t escape from Kihyun’s lips.

 

He takes his time to brush his teeth and look in the mirror for a while to calm himself, because he’s scared to face Hoseok alone. He’s actually terrified. He hasn’t said a word to the elder, and that might’ve seemed cold. He takes an unrealistically long time, mostly blanking out while thinking of suitable words to say to Hoseok. It felt almost as if he was going to have a mental breakdown. And when he’s finally back in front of the door, he lets out a huge sigh and pushes it open.

 

There Hoseok was, still awake but tired looking. He looks excited but upset that Kihyun’s back. Was Hoseok contradicting himself, or Kihyun’s brain making it look as if Hoseok was contradicting himself? The boy runs a hand through his hair, and it was totally obvious that Hoseok’s thinking about something to say to the younger. Kihyun opens his mouth as if to say something, but Hoseok interrupts him before a sound could escape his mouth.

 

“Kihyun, if you’re mad please don’t decide to talk to me now because I don’t think my mind’s working very well.” He closes his eyes and leans backwards, flopping loudly on the bed. Kihyun cringes at the sound, sitting up in his own bed and looking at the elder, as if waiting for him to do something before he did. Well, of course, Hoseok was always the one to start conversations, and not Kihyun.

 

The other boy glares up at the wall, his hand curled up into balls and he frowns. Kihyun hated it when Hoseok frowned before, and he still hates it, he realizes.

 

Say something, Hoseok. Just say anything. The quiet, the silence, was ruining Kihyun. He needs to hear Hoseok’s voice, and he needs to hear it loud and clear. So what if he’s not in Hoseok’s arms? All Kihyun wants to do now his to hear his voice, to hear him say anything. Anything hurts less than the quiet – an insult, a compliment, anything. Anything would be fine.

 

He’s longed for this, sleeping next to Hoseok and coming back to the dorm to him like always, like before. That’s all he wants to do.

 

Minutes that feel like hours quickly pass, and Hoseok lets out a huge sigh before sitting back up, groaning a little when he hoists himself up. “Kihyun, what do you want to s-”

 

“My dad hits me.”

 

It takes a full, complete minute for Kihyun to register what he’s just said. He’s never said that out loud before, even to his therapists that still know nothing about his full story. He’s never said that out loud, and he said it so abruptly. Hoseok looks taken aback for a second, before his expression softens and he opens his mouth to say something, but not a single sound comes out. He closes his mouth again, looking down, then looking up and opening his mouth again, but shutting it.

 

Kihyun feels bitter. He feels as if he’s just chased Hoseok away, like he’s putting him on a spot and causing him to be stuck on his words. The other looks as if he’s pondering hard about how to respond – how to make Kihyun feel better, how to sound more sensitive when they were talking about his problem, how to make sure that Kihyun was fine with talking about these triggering problems.

 

The elder still doesn’t know what to say, he’s speechless. Since Kihyun doesn’t want them to just end like this, he carries on. “My dad hits me. My mother doesn’t care that he hits me. My brother left me after he got out of school and I was left in that household with that with that guy. That’s why I don’t want to talk about my family. That’s why I said I wasn’t appreciative to them. I should’ve told you sooner.”

 

He expects Hoseok to stare at him with an eyebrow lifted, but Hoseok’s expressionless before his face crumples up. _No, don’t cry, Hoseok. Don’t cry_. “Why am I crying? You should be crying.” And Kihyun laughs bitterly at this, the boy’s already run out of tears crying about this matter. It doesn’t matter anymore. He’s with Hoseok and his friends, he’s safe, and he’s away from that home. Kihyun doesn’t see the need in mentioning the past, because all that he cared about now was the present – and possibly the future.

 

“Don’t cry because of me.” Kihyun says simply and the elder wipes a tear off his face with the back of his hand. “That’s why I’m crying. Because of you. Because you didn’t feel comfortable with me talking about my family but I didn’t stop anyway, I just went on and on about appreciating your parents and, oh god, I’m the cause for your relapse, right? I’m so sorry, Kihyun. I’m so so-”

 

Was it the heat of the moment or just to shut Hoseok up? Or did he actually want to do it? Kihyun lunges towards the elder and presses his own cracked lips onto Hoseok’s soft lips, and he can taste the saltiness of his tears that ran down his face – something Kihyun would usually find disgusting but no, it’s not disgusting because it’s Hoseok. There will never be a day where Kihyun would find Hoseok disgusting.

 

Upon kissing the elder, Kihyun realizes that he doesn’t know what he’s doing. He lets Hoseok take control, mimicking the other when he kisses Kihyun needily and it was almost as if he was in a rush. It was good, it was too good. This was everything that he wanted, everything that he had asked for.

 

Kihyun doesn’t know what he did to get himself so daring, to even kiss the elder. He could be ruining things between them now, he’s breaking the wall of ‘not falling in love in a rehabilitation center’. Kihyun doesn’t even care anymore. He wants Hoseok, and he’s impatient to wait until they’re out of the place. Who even knows how long it’ll take?

 

Initially, when Kihyun had placed his lips on Hoseok’s, the elder was taken aback because he was interrupted mid-sentence, but now his hands are at the back of Kihyun’s neck and in his hair. Hoseok didn’t seem to want to stop any time soon, disallowing their lips to separate, as if he had the key to the lock. Kihyun’s hands don’t know where to go, so they’re just pressed up against Hoseok’s chest and Kihyun can feel the boy’s heartbeat.

 

The elder breaks the kiss to move forward and Kihyun uses this chance to stop to gasp for air and manages to breathe in for a second before Hoseok is pulling him back for another kiss, and then another. The elder didn’t want to stop. It was like a miracle, how they fit perfectly together like the last two puzzle pieces in the gigantic jigsaw puzzle.

 

 _He wants me back_ , Kihyun assures himself. Hoseok wants him, Hoseok wants all of him, just like how Kihyun wants all of Hoseok. He’s told the boy everything about himself and now the boy knows, but he doesn’t care. No, he doesn’t care that Kihyun has many fears that would hinder with many things. Neither did he care about the fact that Kihyun was overly sensitive – he understands the boy himself. It’s not a mess anymore, and it makes sense now.

 

When the mess is sorted out, it forms another mess. Thinking of the future. Kihyun doesn’t know what’s going to happen if he and Hoseok actually become a thing. No future, he decides. Kihyun will only live in the present, and for now, he will only care about the present.

 

It takes ages, not that Kihyun’s complaining, for their mouths to finally separate and Hoseok smiles. A true, genuine smile. The smile that he had given Kihyun when Kihyun woke him up for the first time. This was completely new, the both of them feel as if they’ve just unlocked a new part of themselves for the other. “Hoseok, I…”

 

“I like you. I think, no, I know that I want to be with you. Do you want to be with me?” Kihyun asks confidently. It’s the first thing that he’s ever said so confidently, and Hoseok nods. “Kihyun, you still accepted me after I was a huge asshole for a week straight – I wasn’t in my right mind but you’re still on my side, and I appreciate that. Of course I want to be with you too.”

 

“Kihyun, I was so unsure of my feelings. From when you had that panic attack on the first night we arrived to a few weeks ago, I realized what it was like to really like someone for who they are. I used to think I liked others because of their exterior, but Kihyun, I want you. Not just on the outside. On the inside too. Every inch of you, every flaw. I don’t care. It’s all beautiful to me. From when I read that book you owned just now,” Hoseok stops to chuckle a little. “I decided that I wanted to tell you about my feelings. It wasn’t going to be tonight, but right now, it looks like it is.”

 

“And about your father…” Hoseok pauses for a while, and Kihyun watches him with curiosity in his eyes. “I want to help you. I will be more careful with my words. I want this relationship to work, Kihyun.” Kihyun gazes into Hoseok’s eyes, and he feels so warm inside, as if he’s just put on a huge woolen coat. It feels nice. He likes this new feeling that Hoseok makes him feel. If he could describe the feeling, the closest word to it would be ‘bliss’. That’s right. Being with Hoseok is blissful.

 

“I don’t care if you self-harm. I don’t care if you think you’re not good enough. You are good, you are perfect in my eyes, Kihyun. I’ve never spoken to anyone like this, and I need you to know that I will like you no matter what, and even if you try to push me away.”

 

“We’ll get through this together, yeah?” Hoseok asks. Kihyun nods. Yes, they were going to go through all of this together. No matter how tough or exhausting, even if people tell them they can’t do it, they were going to fight till the end for the day that they get to live in peace – no matter the circumstances.

 

Right now, their lives are still covered in haze and the fear of the unknown, the fear of their pasts, the fear of hurting the other. They’ll understand each other if the other is going through tough times, and give a large amount of support. That’s what partners are for, right? They’ll have to work hard if they want to see the end, the part where they succeed in whatever they want to do together.

 

But for now, they’ll just settle with this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope ur enjoying so far


	6. PART VI: MAYDAY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyungwon's bruises have been multiplying.

The day starts off like it would’ve before their fight, with Kihyun turning on the lights and waking the other up. Hoseok groans loudly while he stretches, beaming after his eyes meet Kihyun’s for the first time that day. “Wake up, Hoseok…” The younger nudges gently while he sits up next to Hoseok. Hoseok turns, groaning again as he does so. “You need to be more quiet,” Kihyun chuckles. The other shakes his head. “I’m never going to be quiet.”

 

He looks so beautiful, even with the sheets covering half of his face and Kihyun can’t see. Hoseok has his fringe all over his forehead – it’s messy but it’s extremely cute, and Kihyun wants to thank whoever sent him into earth for allowing him to coexist with Hoseok. These thoughts weren’t filtered anymore. Since the night before, Kihyun fully understands what it’s like to be in love, and he’s truly understood the process of falling in love. There is no turning back now, there is no exit.

 

“How do I be quiet if I’m with you?” Kihyun shakes his head. “If I knew you were going to be so damn cheesy I wouldn’t have kissed you.” Hoseok has a fake hurt expression on his face as he clutches his heart, but he’s way off. “Hey, if you didn’t kiss me I would’ve done it eventually. How am I supposed to control myself around someone like you? That’s right, I don’t.”

 

“Ew, Hoseok. Gross.” Kihyun laughs. The elder snickers along, but his expression switches to a serious one. “Kihyun, I know it’s the past but you still have some explaining to do even though I didn’t mention it last night.” Kihyun groans internally – he knows what this is about. “Is this about my relapse? Or is this about my family? If it’s about my relapse, I honestly have no idea why I did it. I can just guess that my brain tells me to go harm myself when I feel numb, kind of…”

 

“Well,” Hoseok raises his neatly bandaged hand. “It was after I did… this, right?” The wall punching? Yes. It was after the wall punching. Kihyun still thinks that it’s stupid of the elder to just punch a wall, an object that cannot be defeated. “Yeah, what the hell were you doing? You’re not a superhuman, Hoseok. If you punch the wall, you get injured, and not the innocent wall.”

 

Hoseok laughs silently. “I tend to do stupid things when I’m angry.” The elder states and Kihyun nods. “Well, don’t we all?”

 

“Yeah, we do. Shit, I think I broke my back.” The blonde boy sits up, adjusting his back for a moment before turning to Kihyun. “You, Kihyun, I’m… thank you. Thank you for telling me first. I might’ve gone insane without talking to you for so long.” Technically, it wasn’t even that long. But Kihyun agrees. A week without any contact with Hoseok felt like a whole month.  “It felt like a really long time. I think I missed you, Hoseok.”

 

“You only _think_?” The elder chuckles. Kihyun rolls his eyes, “I take back my words. I didn’t miss you at all.” Hoseok lets out a loud cry and clutches his heart again, but this time his way off from where his heart actually was. Kihyun snickers. “You idiot,” he lifts Hoseok’s hand from the right side of his chest. “Your heart is… here.” He places it on the left side of Hoseok’s clothed chest, and he swears he can feel the elder’s heart racing.

 

“No,” Hoseok beams. Kihyun looks back up with an eyebrow raised in confusion. “Isn’t that the left side-”

 

“No.” Hoseok moves his hand towards Kihyun’s chest. “My heart is here.” He places it right on Kihyun’s beating heart, and Kihyun swears that his heart’s about to explode. “Wow, you are jumpy.” Hoseok comments. “Is it because of me?” _You fucking idiot. Yes, it’s because of you._ Kihyun groans. “Shut up, Hoseok.”

 

“Kiss me then.” The elder puckers his lips and Kihyun thinks – two days ago, they were still mad at each other, but now, they’re talking about kissing. Funny, human beings are funny. Kihyun thinks that Hoseok’s funny. “I’ll kiss you,” The younger sighs loudly while getting out of the bed, “but you’ll have to brush your teeth first. Hygiene first, relationship second.”

 

“Why is ‘relationship’ second? It should be first!” Hoseok protests, his eyes shining bright. If Kihyun could, he would kiss him then and there. But morning breath sucked, and he refuses to kiss the elder until it’s gone. “Relationship is second because hygiene is first. I stand firmly to my own rules. I am a man of my word.”

 

Hoseok makes a sound that sounds like both a sigh and a snicker. “So if I brush my teeth now, I can kiss you?” Kihyun nods. “After hygiene, I’m throwing away all the rules.”

 

“I’m _so_ in,” Hoseok grins, lifting himself off the bed quickly and rushing to the toilet, grabbing his toothbrush. Kihyun fakes an exhausted sigh as he grabs his own, following the elder who was now furiously gurgling water. “You need to calm down, honestly.”

 

“How am I supposed to calm down when I’m about to kiss someone that I’ve been craving to kiss for weeks?” Hoseok cracks a dazzling smile, one that makes Kihyun melt into a liquid, then boil into a gas. Wait, what? Gas? “Just try to contain yourself,” Kihyun grabs the toothpaste, squeezing it on to his own toothbrush. “Hey, gay guys!” A gruff voice shouts from inside one of the stalls. Kihyun and Hoseok both freeze and look at each other.

 

“I get that you guys love each other and stuff, and I admire that, but please stop flirting in the toilet. It’s disrupting me!” The voice complains and Hoseok almost dies laughing. “Dude, who are you? Can you be my friend?”

 

“I’m not going to tell you who I am! Just get whatever to need to get done and bring your boyfriend and yourself out after you’re done. No more flirting and that kind of stuff, okay?” The voice replies. Hoseok bursts into giggles again before falling silent, and Kihyun’s just standing there, frozen. “Are you gone? I’m trying to take a shit!”

 

“Give us a while more, dude.” Hoseok replies, spitting out the toothpaste. “You better not take years!” The voice warns and Kihyun shakes his head at the elder, waiting for Hoseok to finish because Kihyun’s already done. Hoseok seriously did things way too slowly. “Alright, we’ll be going now!” Hoseok shrieks as he pulls Kihyun out of the bathroom, by the right hand using his left hand since their other hands were bandaged.

 

“This is unbelievable. Why do I keep meeting people at the toilet?” Kihyun says, and Hoseok raises an eyebrow before he remembers Minkyun. Oh, right. “Maybe you’re so cute that people use the excuse of going to the toilet just to see you?” Hoseok suggests and Kihyun snickers. Why would anybody do that? Hoseok had a wild imagination, really. “Or maybe I’m just unlucky. I don’t know. Why do people choose to talk to me when I’m in the toilet?”

 

“Maybe the toilet likes you?” Kihyun stares at Hoseok weirdly, because that absolutely made no sense at all. “Well, I like you too, just like the toilet likes you. And since I’ve brushed my teeth, I can kiss you now!” Hoseok almost jumps, but Kihyun stops him. “What, here? We’re in the hallways. People may walk in and out of their rooms at any time they want to,” but before Kihyun can even continue to protest, Hoseok presses his lips onto Kihyun’s lips and hey, there’s Changkyun in the hallway.

 

_Hey, there’s Changkyun in the hallway_. Kihyun’s eyes widen and Hoseok pulls back with an eyebrow raised. “What?” The elder mouths and Kihyun’s eyes flicker to Changkyun in case the younger hasn’t seen it and Kihyun’s probably kidding himself because there’s no way Changkyun didn’t see that. He has ‘eyes like a hawk’, like he claimed on his own. Changkyun has a shit eating grin on his face as he walks up to the two elders.

 

“Well, I was right, wasn’t I?” Changkyun smirks at Kihyun and Kihyun furrows his eyebrows. “Right about what, my child?” Hoseok asks and Changkyun looks up at him brightly. “Oh, hyung. I had a little chat with Kihyun-hyung about your relationship and mine and Jooheon-hyung’s last night.”

 

“Oh?” Hoseok looks at the younger suggestively. “You know that it’s a two against one, right?” Hoseok asks, and Changkyun’s eyes widen. “Why is it a two against one?” He asks, suspicious. Kihyun eyes Hoseok as well, he has no idea what the other’s saying. “Well, you’re here to bombard me and Kihyun with questions, so we’re going to bombard you with questions of Jooheon first.”

 

“Oh, right?” Changkyun grins teasingly and Hoseok nods. “I used to be the smartest kid in all my classes without doing any studying right up to when I came here, so bring it on, _hyung._ ” Changkyun raises his hands in a way that seemed to be menacing, but with that boy, nothing can be menacing. “What’s with the hand holding during therapy sessions and when we’re at the lounge? You guys are like – so damn obvious.”

 

Changkyun snickers. “Well, hyung, you do know about Jooheon-hyung and his… touchy problem. He likes to touch things.” Hoseok takes it another way and starts laughing hysterically, Kihyun just watches wearily. “Oh man, what thing of yours has he touched?” Hoseok finally stops laughing to ask and Changkyun stops for a second. “No! Hyung! I didn’t mean it in a dirty way. He just always wants to have skinship with somebody else.” Changkyun whines while Hoseok still seems unconvinced. Kihyun knows that Hoseok’s joking, but he can’t help but laugh when Changkyun looks so… defeated.

 

“I thought the smartest kid in class would have a solution to that?” Hoseok pipes up and Changkyun’s expression changes drastically again. “I do have a solution! I can give Jooheon-hyung my right arm, since I’m left handed.” Kihyun stares at him blankly while Changkyun snickers at his own joke. “You’re so lame,” Hoseok laments. Changkyun groans. “Look at this?” He pulls out a notebook.

 

_Hey Changkyunie, you idiot, it’s Joohoney hyung here. I don’t know where you are right now but can you give me a right arm? I would appreciate it. I miss you. From Jooheon hyung._

Hoseok snorts loudly as he reads the note out loud. “Changkyun, he’s so into you. And vice-versa. Can you guys just date?” Changkyun looks around. “I’m worried…” Hoseok looks at the younger, the corners of his mouth curling. “Worried of rejection? Come on Changkyun, you’ve got to be really blind if you can’t see that Jooheon’s into you. He’s probably more into you than you are into him.”

 

“That’s not possible,” Changkyun states. “I really like him. I’ve never liked someone the way I like him. I thought it was because I was lonely at first, but when I was in a room with all of you, the only one that I wanted to be with is Jooheon.” He drops the honorifics for just a sentence. Hoseok gasps in fake hurt. “You don’t want to be with me? Changkyun, I’m your _nicest_ hyung.”

 

“When you’re doing things like this, you’re not.” Changkyun replies and Hoseok’s eyes turn into crescents as he beams at the younger. “Well, Changkyun, I think you should really just tell him. Kihyun agrees, right?” His eyes flicker over to Kihyun for a second and so do Changkyun’s eyes. Kihyun gives a firm nod and Changkyun returns with a firm nod of his own as well. “I have to go back now to clear my head…”

 

“Just don’t overthink it! There’s almost a zero percent possibility where Jooheon would reject you, honestly.” Hoseok assures the kid and Kihyun agrees, giving him a small word of encouragement. Changkyun walks off, normally, for the first time ever and Kihyun sighs at the kid. “Oh, and by the way, Hoseok-hyung?” He turns over for a second, and Hoseok has an eyebrow raised.

 

“My favorite hyung is Hyunwoo-hyung.” Changkyun states and Hoseok seethes in anger as he watches the boy skip off and back into his room. “Im Changkyun! My room his right here and I definitely won’t hesitate to take a pillow out and throw it at your head!”

 

“Oh, and Changkyun? You don’t tell anybody what you saw!” Kihyun adds and Changkyun turns around to snicker at them. “That depends on my mood! And how you treat me! No pillow throwing, _hyung!_ ” He says the word ‘hyung’ teasingly.

 

Kihyun turns over to Hoseok and sighs. “That kid, I swear to god…”

 

 

 

“Milk in tea!” Hyungwon shrieks. “No! Why do people put milk in tea? Tea’s supposed to be bland and tasteless, it shouldn’t be sweet! It’s fucking wrong if it’s sweet!”

 

“Calm down, Hyungwon.” Hyunwoo sighs and Hyungwon doesn’t listen. “It’s so wrong, gross.”

 

Kihyun snickers at the younger and nods in agreement – he didn’t like tea with milk either. They’re sitting at their usual table, things as good as before, and Kihyun has Hoseok’s arm tugging at his waist. Kihyun freezes as the elder does so, but Hoseok pretends not to notice and adjusts his grip properly before acting like nothing happened. God damn it, Shin Hoseok. Kihyun grumbles to himself as the elder strikes up a conversation with Jooheon.

 

Changkyun’s knowing eyes flicker from Hoseok’s hand, to Kihyun’s waist, then all the way up to Kihyun’s eyes. When their eyes meet, Changkyun gives him a smirk and if Kihyun could do it then and there, he would’ve flicked the younger boy in the head. He was a _hard_ flicker. Hoseok glances at Kihyun, then he glances to the direction that Kihyun’s staring at, to see Changkyun and his grin. Hoseok narrows his eyes.

 

“Hyungwon, you really should eat more.” Minhyuk interrupts the conversation, because everyone’s food is at least half-gone but Hyungwon’s looks untouched. “I don’t like the food that they’re serving today. I’m a really picky eater, remember?”

 

“But the food today is exactly the same as the one they serve regularly?” Hoseok asks, observing the food for any changes. There were no changes at all, at least to the physical appearance. “Something’s different, it’s a little off. I don’t like it.”

 

Kihyun tastes the food, and there’s no difference. It tasted the same as it usually did, but this was the first time that Hyungwon has been down for breakfast that week so maybe he wasn’t used to the taste. Kihyun knows he should trust the boy, but he feels as if he’s hiding something – like a relapse. The rest of them thought nothing of it, but Hyungwon looks a little miserable staring at all of the food.

 

It looked just like when Hoseok wasn’t Kihyun’s and when Kihyun was longing the other. It’s funny to compare that with Hyungwon and food, but Kihyun knows that the other boy was still very sensitive about his weight and exterior even though he could gain way more weight and still look good, in fact, better. Hyungwon pretends to sleep during meal times sometimes, to get out of eating. That was extremely worrying, Kihyun doesn’t want to make mountains out of molehills but he’s pretty convinced that Hyungwon had a relapse. He’s been observing for weeks.

 

The boy doesn’t even eat, he just picks at his food, and he’s constantly asking the others if they’d like to have his food. He wasn’t like this when Kihyun had just arrived, and Kihyun is trying his best to think about what’ll be good for Hyungwon, and how to help the younger. Maybe he’ll just talk to Hoseok and the rest after therapy.

 

 

 

“So, Kihyun, I heard about your relapse.” Doctor Jeon Donghyuk states and Kihyun sighs. Everybody’s heard. He can’t help but just give a defeated nod. “It’s fine, no one is that strong to just stop at one shot like that. Are you comfortable with sharing the reason why that happened to you?”

 

Where does Kihyun start? The part where Hoseok talked about their families and Kihyun has as good as no family? Hoseok, his mother, and Jihyun are the only people that know about what his father does. He doesn’t know if he’s ready to tell the therapist about what happens at home. Heck, he hasn’t even told Hoseok the full thing. It’s funny how Kihyun and Hoseok are exclusive but the other still doesn’t know much about Kihyun. Not that he’s complaining, though. He doesn’t know if he might scare Hoseok away with his past.

 

“I don’t know. When you self-harm, it’s mostly a blur. You never feel sober when you do it.” Kihyun states blankly and the therapist nods. “Yes, I understand you. But there should be a reason why there’s a blur in the first place, you know? Maybe a fallout with a friend, something you saw, or something else…”

 

“I fell out with Hoseok for a while. I felt… color blind.” The therapist raises an eyebrow, curious. “Color blind?” He repeats and Kihyun nods. “It felt like Hoseok brought color into my life. I screwed up, said something bad that lowered his affection for me, then disappeared from my life. That’s when I felt bad. I felt color blind, without any color in my life. It was almost like I had no point living. Who would want to live without color? It’s so boring and sad.”

 

The therapist nods. “Hoseok must be very special to you, then. You know, Kihyun, you’re pretty good with words. Something that I learnt from my patients is that music can help you feel better as well. When you’re having these negative and dangerous thoughts, put them onto paper. Harm the paper instead of yourself.”

 

“So harm something else instead of myself? That can’t be good, right?” Kihyun asks and the therapist shakes his head. “No, I mean, if you write your thoughts down you can read them and go over them, then you’ll know how you’ll actually feel and you can calm yourself down. I don’t think it’s very right to harm something else when you’re feeling bad.” It’s not just very not-right, it’s extremely wrong, Kihyun thinks.

 

The last time he wrote his thoughts down the only word that he managed to scribble in the book was ‘Hoseok’, and since then he hasn’t written. When they were having their little fall out, Kihyun only kept his thoughts in his mind. Writing it down would’ve been dangerous.

 

The second thing is, all Kihyun can remember about writing music was his father smashing the only thing that really mattered to him when he was still living in that hell hole. The music school, Kihyun thinks again. The one that he was accepted into. They were probably having their first term now, and Kihyun’s in a damn rehabilitation center, where he doesn’t know when he’s going to be released. He doesn’t even know if he’d be able to go there after his release.

 

It’s funny, just a moment of thinking can make you realize how shitty your life is and how helpless you are. He wants to tell the therapist the truth, about how all the stars seem to be falling and how all this moving was driving him crazy. He’s made fast progress, apparently, but he feels like he’s still getting nowhere. He has people, but can’t help but feel so lonely, it’s almost as if his thoughts were isolating him.

 

It didn’t make sense. He thought he was getting better, but a night after he officially makes up with the boy he thinks he loves, his thoughts had to come along and mess him up again. He’s wrong, he’s always wrong. Sometimes, he just wants to go back to when he was living in his old house. If his dad was in a neutral mood, all he gets is snarky comments. Kihyun doesn’t mind that.

 

He wants to tell doctor Jeon, that he’s going crazy, that he feels like he was going to break anytime soon. “I’ll think about writing music. It’s a pretty good idea.” Two sentences, that deflected his inner thoughts oh-so-well. The therapist nods, looking a little proud. “That’s good, Kihyun. Do you play any instruments?”

 

Please don’t talk about instruments, Kihyun thinks. But he thinks again, he had a piano before that was smashed, and it would be good to have a new one if they could provide him with or give him one. “I play the piano.”

 

“That’s good. You can put your bad thoughts in playing, too. It’ll help you feel a whole lot better, trust me. When I was going through my own tough times, I did art. I was really good at drawing, though I’m horrible now. It helped me a lot.” Doctor Jeon adds. This was what Kihyun likes about the doctor, the fact that he shares about his own life too, and Kihyun doesn’t have to be the only one that talks during their therapy time.

 

 

 

Kihyun walks out the therapy room to the couch and Hyungwon’s already there, a bruise on his left cheek this time. “So, Hyungwon, what did you accidentally do to get the bruise on your face now?” The other smiles meekly. “I was trying to tear open plastic but I missed and I kind of punched myself in the face.” Kihyun shakes his head, the younger was way too careless, and way too bad at lying.

 

“You sure it’s not something else?” Kihyun raises an eyebrow and Hyungwon shakes his head firmly. “I’m very sure that it was caused by that.”

 

“Have you watched the previous episode? I can’t believe he just left her in the rain like that…” Hyungwon asks again and Kihyun shakes his head. He was probably in the hospital that week when the episode was shown. “We were at the hospital, but we were all too worried to leave to watch the show, but thank god they had a replay episode screened afterwards because I might’ve gone crazy skipping an episode and not knowing what happens.” The other boy says.

 

The advertisement break ends and they both direct their eyes to the screen, and Kihyun’s surprised at how much just one episode can change the character so drastically. It’s kind of like real life, he thinks. Although he knows that the story’ll have a happy ending, like all stories and dramas. The lady was probably going to get married to one of the princes and live a happy life.

 

Kihyun’s bitter – he finds it dumb that he’s envying the character but he wants a happy life too, one with a partner that loves him and supports him, one where he doesn’t face any major problems that make him want to kill himself. If he could be someone else, he would definitely try and change himself. It’s so disheartening that Kihyun’s so unsatisfied with his own life, but at the same time it made sense. Abused, and suffering from a mental illness, who would sign up for this kind of life?

 

He feels as if he’s wallowing in self-pity too much so he forces himself to snap out of it, eyes fixating on the screen and only focusing on the TV. He watches as the lead male kisses the lead female and damn, where’s Hoseok?

 

Speak of the devil, Kihyun thinks when the door opens to Hoseok, hair strewn messily at the front of his face and the rest of his head covered with a cap. “Hello, your prince charming is here, Kihyun.” Hyungwon says teasingly and Kihyun rolls his eyes. “Hello, _princess_.” Hoseok smirks and Kihyun’s eyes widen, heart racing and mind about to explode. Something about the way Hoseok said that makes Kihyun experience feelings that he’s never experienced before.

 

“Why’ve you gone silent? You like it when he calls you that, right?” Hyungwon laughs and Kihyun snaps out of his daze, shaking his head at the younger. Hoseok’s still smirking – he obviously knows that his words had a large impact on Kihyun. What a tease. “No, what? I mean, I don’t have a problem with _that_.” Hyungwon snorts and the oldest sits in the space between Hyungwon and Kihyun himself. “How was therapy?”

 

Hyungwon goes silent and is almost never present in their conversation, putting his full attention into the show. Kihyun wants to watch it, but he cares more about Hoseok. “It was fine. Same old. What about you?” Kihyun asks and the elder agrees. “Therapy, for me, has been the same for months. What about you, Hyungwon?”

 

“Hyungwon?” Either, Hyungwon’s too engrossed in the show, or he’s ignoring Hoseok on purpose so that he could watch the show without any interruptions. Kihyun snickers softly, he would do that too if it weren’t Hoseok that was talking to him. “Hyung, please, this scene is juicy.” Hyungwon pushes Hoseok’s hands away while Hoseok continues tugging on to them. “I swear to god…”

 

“God’s here!” A voice rings out and the three of them look up to Jooheon standing right in front of them with a huge beam on his face. “What? Where is he.” Hyungwon asks, disinterested and taking advantage of the fact that Hoseok’s finally let go of him to focus on his show. “He’s standing right here!” Jooheon points a finger at himself and Hoseok rolls his eyes. “I hope the real god isn’t offended by you.”

 

“Hey!” Jooheon retorts, pouting at the elder before jumping right on the couch. “You’re mean, Hoseok-hyung.” Hoseok shrugs. “Kihyun’s meaner.”

 

“I am not mean,” Kihyun states, throwing a piece of scrunched up paper at Hoseok. It lands right on his forehead. “Ha, bullseye,” Jooheon and Kihyun cheer, and Hyungwon snickers at the eldest. “Oi! I’m your hyung too, Kihyun. Except for the fact that you never call me hyung. You’re just like those rascals.”

 

“I’m the oldest.” Hyunwoo states as he emerges from the room. “Hey, Jooheon threw paper at me! I don’t even know where he got that from!” Hoseok complains about the younger and Hyunwoo sighs, shaking his head. “As an elder, you should learn how to ignore that. Sometimes the children just don’t grow up, so we can do nothing but just let them be as they are.”

 

“You sound like a tired father.” Jooheon sticks his tongue out at Hoseok and Kihyun laughs about how unbelievably childish the two were, bickering non-stop. Then, the door opens again and there stands Minhyuk. “Hyunwoo!” Minhyuk sings as he rushes to the oldest and grabs his wrist. “I missed you…”

 

“Hey, we exist too?” Jooheon adds, but Minhyuk ignores the younger. “I didn’t see you since breakfast!” Minhyuk says and Hoseok snorts loudly. “Breakfast was like, three, four hours ago?”

 

“Hey, if it’s with Hyunwoo, four hours without him feels like four days. No, months.” Minhyuk says, eyes widening excitedly and Hyunwoo grins at the younger boy. “Same,” Hoseok comments and all eyes turn to him. “What? Are you hitting on my boyfriend?” Minhyuk narrows his eyes and Hoseok raises his hands immediately, denying it. “No, no. I meant like, four hours without _someone_ feels like four months.”

 

Minhyuk’s almost suspicious expression fades into a cheeky grin and Kihyun can see what’s about to happen next. “Who is this someone?” Changkyun suddenly appears, causing the second youngest to jump and almost fall off the couch. And suddenly, all eyes were on Kihyun, then Hoseok, then back to Kihyun. “It’s Kihyun, right?”

 

“Calm down, gosh. I never said it was Kihyun.” Hoseok catches a glimpse of Kihyun and smirks, before turning back to speak to the others. “I simply just said it was relatable.” Jooheon certainly wasn’t going to give up, and Kihyun knows that if they do reveal about whatever had happened between them, he would never be able to hear the end of it. But still, when Hoseok smirks at Kihyun, his heart jumps just as always, and it’s obvious.

 

“Yes, relatable means you can relate to your life. So who’s your special someone?” Changkyun insists on asking and Hoseok sighs loudly. “You can’t even get away with trying to be funny here nowadays!” He complains, and Minhyuk snickers at his suffering. Kihyun’s eyes travel to Hyungwon, who wasn’t in the conversation at all – he usually joins just to add in a couple of snarky remarks.

 

But now, he looks small. He’s staring at the TV, but he isn’t watching the show. He’s just staring. The bruise on his face looks red and angry, and Kihyun knows, he doesn’t think, that something’s wrong. He makes a mental note to himself to tell Hoseok about it or ask Hyungwon himself. “You won’t think to say ‘same’ unless you have someone in your mind! Come on, hyung!”

 

“Well, okay…” Hoseok starts. Minhyuk claps his hands excitedly at the fact that Hoseok breaks and is about to tell them about his special ‘someone’. “My special someone is…” His eyes flicker over to Kihyun’s and they meet, Hoseok giving him a reassuring grin and god, is he really about to do this in front of everyone? “Not you.” He simply states, causing Minhyuk and Jooheon to groan in frustration as Changkyun and Hoseok both laugh at their reactions.

 

“You’re not upset that you don’t know?” Minhyuk asks the younger and Changkyun shrugs. “Well, I already know. Kind of…” Changkyun stares at Kihyun. He has a way of staring deep into you, making you feel somewhat exposed but never indecent or uncomfortable. Kihyun hates it, but it’s a trait that he wants to have too. “What! I don’t believe you. You have to tell me!”

 

“If you tell them, I’ll murder you in your sleep.” Hoseok threatens and the youngest’s eyes widen. “Jooheon-hyung, please don’t ever let Hoseok-hyung into our room!” Jooheon laughs, “I’ll never let anyone hurt you, Changkyun.”

 

Hoseok claps his hands suddenly, causing Kihyun to jump. “There it is! The relationship of the year!” Minhyuk scrunches his nose, “isn’t that me and Hyunwoo-hyung?” Hoseok shakes his head. “That was last year. The exciting part is that they are falling so slowly. The falling part is the best part of the story!” Changkyun scratches his arm awkwardly while Jooheon looks confused still. “Guys, what?”

 

“Come on. You know what this is about.” Hyunwoo says softly, and Jooheon furrows his eyebrows. “No, honestly, I don’t.” Kihyun tries to hold back a laugh as Changkyun tries to find words to speak – the younger was always so adorable whenever he’s put on a spot. “Come on, hyung. They think that we fuck because we’re roommates but they don’t get to say that, especially when Hoseok-hyung and Kihyun-hyung are rooming together.”

 

“Ohh…” Jooheon nods, his confused expression changing into a grin almost immediately. That was a good save, Im Changkyun, Kihyun thinks. Hoseok looks over to him as if to say, “next time we’ll get him” and his determined face makes Kihyun want to laugh. He doesn’t know when the four of them are every going to stop fighting about this, but Kihyun’s surprisingly enjoying every single moment of it.

 

Before they get together, or are an actual _thing_ , Kihyun wants to enjoy the time that they had with their friends teasing them before they announce it once and for all. Kihyun knows that it’s weird, but sometimes the teasing is really fun to him and he likes it a whole lot more than how he reacts to it on the outside.

 

 

 

“Yo, Hoseok-hyung.” Kihyun says as he drops himself on the bed with a loud thud. “Don’t do that. You look like a dead fish.” Hoseok chuckles. “What’s up? You never call me hyung.”

 

“What are we?” Kihyun asks, scooting a little closer to the elder and he’s starting to feel warmer. “They call it ‘some’,” Hoseok says, but he looks rather confused. “I think it’s a dumb term. We have feelings for each other, but we’re not in a relationship yet. You get me? I’d rather just call it something simple like, liking each other.” The elder states, and Kihyun nods. He gets it. It’s just that, the fact that Hoseok openly admits he has feelings for the other makes Kihyun feel even warmer and a little fuzzy inside.

 

Kihyun’s thoughts are a little disorganized too, he doesn’t know if they’re going to remain as ‘some’ or actually become boyfriends, and that frightens him a little. He doesn’t know how to be a boyfriend, because he didn’t know anything about relationships. He’s had zero experience, let alone with a guy. He already knew that something was up when he crushed on both guys and girls.

 

The boy tries to assure himself that Hoseok wants him too, and though he’s convinced, a small voice, doubt, tells him otherwise. But for Hoseok’s sake, he dumps the voice aside and turns a death ear to it whenever he could. He wasn’t going to let something in his brain hurt Hoseok.

 

“Hey, I know it’s really off from our previous topic, but do you have any idea what’s going on with Hyungwon? He’s been having bruises all over for over a month now, and his weight is decreasing, according to my therapist. We have food problems so we have a therapist that specializes in that, and she’s worried as well.” Hoseok asks. That’s exactly what Kihyun wanted to talk about initially, but his thoughts carried him away.

 

“Yeah, I don’t know either. He’s been getting so many bruises and he’s now so physically weak, and although he’s still giving us snarky remarks, he doesn’t do it much anymore. Recently, he’s been looking as if he’s about to break, and I mean it both metaphorically and literally.” Hoseok nods in agreement. Believe it or not, it was a strange thing if Hyungwon didn’t throw snide remarks at the others. That was a trademark of his. “We should ask him tomorrow. I don’t really know what’s going on but I know for sure that it’s bad.”

 

 

 

When the next day comes and breakfast is as usual, with Minhyuk talking about strange things very loudly and Hyungwon not eating. They then make their way to therapy, and Hoseok and Kihyun weren’t able to talk to Hyungwon due to the time constraints.

 

It doesn’t help that Kihyun feels like he’s about to come down with a cold, his head hurting non-stop since he woke up. The worst thing is, doctor Jeon was having an off day to be with his family. Kihyun would’ve had no problem with that if he wasn’t replaced by doctor Seo Jungho. That man just reminds him of his first day coming to this place, also the last day seeing his mother. Seo Jungho is annoying, Seo Jungho’s talking voice is annoying.

 

Seo Jungho might be the worst person in this place, and the other thing that annoys Kihyun about that guy is that he’s literally in charge of everything in this place. He was like the headmaster, but at the same time, not the headmaster. He has the highest rank and all the doctors are under him, so that sucks.

 

It’s as if he pauses after every single word, and it’ll take him two whole minutes just to read out a single, long sentence. Kihyun wouldn’t have minded that much if he was fine, but his head is pounding and the man’s voice was making him even more irritated. While the man drones on and on about the place, Kihyun thinks about all the things that he could be doing then, like watching the TV outside and sleeping.

 

He doesn’t think that it’s right doing this for therapy sessions if he wanted to get better, but Kihyun really couldn’t stand the man. When it was Kihyun’s turn to talk in the conversation, he just replies with short, one-worded sentences and refuses to say anything else. Sure enough, Seo Jungho gets impatient and lets him off easily. He’s a little satisfied and proud of himself when he exits the room earlier than Hyungwon for the first time ever.

 

He jumps on the couch and Seo Jungho exits the room at the same time as him, walking out of the lounge and therapy rooms. Great, now he feels free. Kihyun doesn’t turn on the television as the show that they usually watched had been postponed for the week due to some baseball thing. He sits in the gigantic and soft couch, letting himself sink into it and then pulling himself out just to sink into it again.

 

A loud thud from one of the rooms surprises Kihyun, and he almost jumps. He doesn’t know what room it was but the sound came from one of the rooms behind, and he could hear some sniffing as well. But, before he can go closer, a door at the front opens and Hoseok stands there. “Kihyun! What are you doing?” Hoseok laughs as he sees Kihyun in the couch. Kihyun shushes the elder as he pulls him closer to listen to the soft cries.

 

“Oh, Kihyun. Crying in the therapist’s office is pretty common here. Everyone’s done it at least once.” Hoseok says, and that makes sense. Kihyun thinks for a moment before letting it go – he shouldn’t jump into conclusions that quickly, everything was okay. Hoseok looks around the room for a moment before pulling Kihyun towards the couch. “It’s weird that Hyungwon’s later than us, but it’s great because I can do this…”

 

He puts his lips on Kihyun’s, and the younger jolts for a moment before realizing what the elder was doing. This just proves how unrealistically unprepared Kihyun is in being in a relationship, but at least it makes Hoseok laugh into the kiss and Kihyun thinks that it’s sweet. He puts his hands wherever Hoseok puts his on Kihyun, and although any door could open anytime and they’d be caught, they didn’t care. Hoseok pulls away, a permanent grin on his face that never faded even when he was wiping his mouth with the back of his sweater sleeve.

 

“How’s your hand?” Kihyun asks, pointing at the elder’s bandaged hand. “The one that got wrecked by a wall? It’s pretty okay now, just a couple of bruises left to heal. Yours?” The elder asks cautiously, in case it’s a sensitive question. “It doesn’t hurt anymore, unless pressure’s applied on it.” Hoseok nods along, before turning on his back to relax on the couch. “This is soft. I think I know what you were doing already. I can’t do it looking as cute as you, though.”

 

The door behind them slams open and Hyungwon stands there, dried tears on his cheeks and a red mark on his face. It was a small cut. Was that there in the morning? The younger looks out of it, he walks to the couch and sits on it, arms resting on his legs and hands massaging his temples. “Hyungwon, you okay?” Hoseok asks the pale boy and he just nods. “Just had a talk about something I didn’t really want to talk about…”

 

“Oh, I see. That hasn’t happened in months for you.” Hyungwon nods. “Do you want to go to your room to rest?”

 

“No, I’m too tired to walk up there. We have free time after this anyways, so I think I’ll just sleep here.” Hyungwon says and Hoseok nods, Kihyun looking at the younger a little watchfully. He shuts his eyes and soon after Jooheon comes out from his room and sits on the couch opposite Hyungwon. “Hello!” He exclaims, and Kihyun shushes him. “Oh, don’t worry. He sleeps like a rock.” Kihyun moves his finger down slowly, glancing over to Hoseok who looks over to Hyungwon.

 

“He has a bruise here,” Hoseok points to his jaw to show Kihyun the spot where Hyungwon had a bruise. Well, that must’ve hurt, especially in a place like that. “Do you know what time Changkyun usually comes out?” Jooheon asks. It was pretty rare that Changkyun comes out later than Jooheon, but it’s been happening for the past two times after therapy and Jooheon’s probably a little confused. “No idea.” Hoseok shrugs. “Why, you miss him?”

 

“Of course I miss him, he’s my best friend.” Jooheon says, and damn, they were all right about him being clueless as hell. Hoseok lets out a raspy laugh and Jooheon has a confused face put on. “I’ll see you next time! Bye! I love you!” Minhyuk beams brightly as he skips out of his room. “Did you just tell your therapist that you love them?” Hoseok asks and Minhyuk says yes. It’s been months, but Kihyun has already gotten used to Minhyuk being that way. He doesn’t question it.

 

“What’s up with Chae?” Minhyuk asks, plopping in the couch next to Hyungwon. “Wow, this guy really is tall. His legs are still sticking out the sofa.” Kihyun agrees – sometimes he wishes to be tall like Hyungwon, but he knows that it’s never going to happen, it’s not in his genes to be tall. “Nothing, he probably talked about something sensitive with his therapist today, and he’s a little affected. He says he’s tired too.”

 

“Oh,” Minhyuk says, and the door next to the sofa unlocks, Hyunwoo walking out of it calmly. In contrast to Hyunwoo, Minhyuk jumps excitedly when he sees the elder. “Hyunwoo!” Minhyuk shrieks and Hyunwoo grins. They’re sweet, Kihyun thinks. He just doesn’t know how they had made their relationship work, Hyunwoo was so quiet and didn’t seem like the type to actually be the first to confess. Well, it’s Minhyuk so the younger probably said it and all Hyunwoo could do was nod.

 

“Hello.” Changkyun sings a little as he walks out the room with a smile on his face and a lollipop in his hand. “You’ve got to be kidding me, Changkyun.” Kihyun shakes his head as he spots the lollipop. “Hey, hyung, I’m the youngest here so just let me have my fun moments…” Changkyun unwraps the lollipop and shoves it into his mouth. Jooheon chuckles loudly as the younger makes his way to sit next to him. “Hyung’s been weird…”

 

Everyone looks at Changkyun, because they’re all older than him. “Hyungwon-hyung’s been really weird. Is he okay?” Changkyun questions and Kihyun feels more relieved that he and Hoseok weren’t the only ones that felt that way when everyone nods in agreement. “I don’t know what’s happening but I hope it’s not bad…” Jooheon says. As much as Kihyun doesn’t want it to be bad, he knows that it probably was.

 

They sit for a while more to chat before they actually leave. “Hyungwon, we’re going now.” Kihyun nudges the sleeping boy, and he doesn’t push his hand away like usual. He has beads of perspiration on his forehead, Kihyun notices as he goes closer. “Hyungwon?” He nudges him again. No reponse. “What?” Hyunwoo asks as Kihyun looks up at all of them. “He isn’t responding.”

 

Kihyun shakes the boy. “Chae Hyungwon!” But still, Hyungwon’s completely unconscious. It’s getting worrying now, because the boy usually wakes up after two or three shakes. He was completely out of it. “Shit, I think he fainted.” Hoseok says, touching the boy’s forehead. “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, what do we do?”

 

“Move,” Hyunwoo says simply, lifting the sleeping boy up to drape him over his back. Changkyun bites his nails nervously as he watches all of this happen. “This has never happened before… Hyung’ll be alright, right?” He asks Kihyun, innocence present in his eyes. In all honesty, Kihyun doesn’t know. But he’s going to try and stay positive. “He’ll be alright, Changkyun. Don’t worry too much.”

 

Don’t worry too much? Kihyun’s extremely worried now, his friend just fainted in his sleep and although his breathing was fine Kihyun was still in a state of panic – this was probably what all his friends felt like when he had collapsed, and it wasn’t a very good feeling. “We’ll take him to the nurse’s.” Kihyun states, and Hyunwoo follows. They run down the white hallways of the center, looking for the nurse’s office. Hyungwon has to be alright, right?

 

Hours later, after skipping all their activities for the day, the nurse comes out and tells them Hyungwon is malnourished. Hoseok has tears in his eyes and he can’t believe his ears. They both suffer from the same problem, so Kihyun understands why the elder’s so taken aback from the information. “Wait, Nurse, do you know why he has bruises all over?” Kihyun stops her before she leaves. The lady pauses for a short moment.

 

“Actually, those bruises are very suspicious. Do you know if anyone’s been bullying the boy? They don’t look like they’re inflicted by himself.” The nurse says, and Kihyun shakes his head. “He says that he falls and accidentally hits himself sometimes, but honestly, we don’t believe him. He’s always with us when we’re not at…” the last word strikes him in the head. “Therapy.”

 

Kihyun doesn’t want to believe it but it makes too much sense. He had heard the thumping noises and soft cries from Hyungwon’s room, and they said that he’s only changed his therapist a few months ago. Everything led to that, and Kihyun wants to scream. The nurse’s eyes widen before she gasps. “Oh, no… I’ll need to check my records, so I’ll know who’s the doctor in charge of him.”

 

Kihyun turns back to the rest of them, all with their mouths gaping open. “Oh, shit.”


	7. PART VII: PERFECT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I don't want to be your friend, I want to kiss you."

After a few hours, having skipped all their meal times and other sessions, they’re seated in front of the nurse’s office and waiting for at least some news on Hyungwon. It’s been plenty of hours, and Minhyuk’s asleep comfortably on Hyunwoo’s shoulder while the elder rubs his hands reassuringly. Hoseok is drifting in and out of sleep, while Kihyun was wide awake and completely sober. The boy feels as if he wouldn’t be able to rest properly without knowing if Hyungwon’s okay or not.

 

Hoseok almost falls facedown when he nods off, his entire body tilting forward. Usually, Jooheon and Changkyun would snicker at this but this time nobody was in the mood to joke, the room was very serious and the tension was high. Kihyun taps the elder, who turns around with an eyebrow raised. “You can rest on me.” Kihyun says softly, almost a whisper. The sides of Hoseok’s mouth curl up even though his eyes contradict it as he mouths a soft, ‘really?’ and Kihyun nods slowly.

 

The elder places his head on Kihyun’s shoulder, which would usually feel uncomfortable for anyone but since it’s Hoseok, Kihyun doesn’t mind. Kihyun doesn’t mind at all.

 

However, as soon as Hoseok’s head hits Kihyun’s shoulder, the nurse finally emerges from the room with a perplexed expression on her face. Hoseok’s head shoots up immediately and he asks, “is Hyungwon okay now?” And thankfully, the nurse nods with the smallest smile on her face. “He’s alright. He’s awake now, and we’ve asked him a couple questions. Now, be extra careful when you’re talking to him about his bruises. He’s being fed by drip so you don’t have to worry about his diet. We’ve got that settled. Don’t mention food at all unless he mentions it first.”

 

Kihyun nods, and Hyunwoo shakes Minhyuk awake softly. “Is he awake?” Minhyuk asks groggily, and the elder gives him the most reassuring smile before replying with a soft yes. He lifts himself up slowly, glancing up at the others. “Let’s go in then.” Minhyuk says, pulling Hyunwoo’s hand along with him. Hyunwoo obliges and stands up, following behind the younger. Hoseok and Kihyun follow suit, with Changkyun and Jooheon trailing behind.

 

Hyungwon’s never looked so weak. He has his arm connected to a drip and it looks painful, his eyes were bloodshot and his eyebags were terrible, not to mention that the bruises on his face were now almost a purple-red color. The boy’s lips were extremely pale and cracked, and almost colorless. He had zero signs of life in his face, except for the fact that his eyes were open and he was blinking. “Hyungwon…” Minhyuk says weakly, grabbing onto the younger’s hand. Hyungwon nods slowly.

 

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Hoseok asks carefully, and the younger shrugs in his bed before wincing in pain due to the tube in his arm. “Everyone has their own burdens. It wouldn’t be nice if I made others worry about me too much, I guess.”

 

Minhyuk scoffs. “You’re so stupid, Hyungwon. We’ve said this so many times, your burden is our burden even if you don’t tell us what’s actually wrong.” On the word ‘wrong’, Hyungwon’s bloodshot eyes widen. “Do you guys know what happens when I go to therapy?”

 

“We’ve figured it out. He hits you, doesn’t he?” Changkyun says softly and Hyungwon casts his eyes down at his lap. He’s _never_ looked so broken. Kihyun has to help. He walks, slowly, step by step to Hyungwon’s bed and sits next to the boy, giving him a shoulder to cry on. Kihyun’s hand directs Hyungwon’s face to his shoulder, and he can feel the other sobbing through his shirt. “Hyungwon, it’s going to be okay now. The nurse is going to find who your therapist is and tell Seo Jungho.”

 

The younger shakes his head, “he’ll find me still… He said that if I told anyone he’d hurt you guys as well.” The boy barely sobs it out before Hoseok stands up from his chair angrily. “He said that? Who is he? Using us so that he can continue abusing you is fucking disgusting and if I ever fucking find him I’ll rip his guts out and-” Hoseok seethes in anger while Hyunwoo pulls him back down to his chair by his arm. “Hoseok, we can’t get angry now because he’s already going to get fired. There’s no point.”

 

“Hyunwoo, but he hurt Hyungwon and used us to make him not tell anyone! He’s a horrible person that deserves to get beaten up!” Hoseok protests and Jooheon nods. “But, hyung, wouldn’t it be better if we just let the place handle it? He’ll definitely be going to jail and well, that’s where he can get beaten up in. For abuse, he’ll probably be locked in there for ten years.” Kihyun mumbles a soft yes as Changkyun speaks the truth. Jooheon seems to agree as well.

 

Hyungwon nods. “Hoseok-hyung, I get that you care for me, but it’s best to just let the law handle it. It’s just…I feel so stupid… If I had just ignored his warnings and told another doctor or something… this wouldn’t have lasted me long enough to relapse again and make him hit me even more.” Kihyun raises an eyebrow. “Hey, it’s not your fault for thinking that way, okay? It’s because you care a lot for us, and we appreciate that, so we’ll get you out of this situation too. How long has this been happening for?” The other boy lifts his head from Kihyun’s shoulder, still sniffing. “About a month, two months.”

 

“So the bruises…?” Hyungwon nods. “Idiot,” Kihyun scoffs. Hyungwon lets out a soft, bitter laugh and every second of it makes Kihyun’s heart break more and more. Nobody deserves to be abused, let alone during therapy sessions. Therapists are supposed to help you get better, but Hyungwon’s therapist didn’t do so and even caused a relapse. It’s pretty stupid of them as well, to not see that Hyungwon was hurting although he’d claim that he was fine. Kihyun should’ve insisted on making him tell them, because now Hyungwon’s in the nurse’s room and being fed by drip.

 

“I should’ve tried to pry further when I asked you whether you were okay. You were clearly not okay.” Kihyun comments and Hyungwon shakes his head hurriedly. “It’s not your fault, Kihyun. It’s no one’s fault.”

 

“Yes,” Hoseok pipes in. “You were just trying to respect his privacy when you didn’t pry further while asking him.” Minhyuk squeezes Hyungwon’s hand extra tight before letting it go. “Thank you for being so strong. We thought you died when you didn’t wake up. If you died… god, I don’t know what we would do.” Minhyuk says weakly, tears threatening to fall right out his eyes. “If you d-died, I’ll never forgive myself… you’re… you’re…”

 

Hyungwon shushes the elder as he gives the elder a hug, not being able to do it tightly since there were still tubes in his arm. It was truly a heartbreaking scene, Kihyun watches as Jooheon wipes a tear running down his cheek and Hoseok sniffs softly. “Minhyuk. It’s no one’s fault except that guy’s.” Hyunwoo says calmly, unlike the current situation, and Kihyun agrees. “Hyunwoo-hyung is right. What else could we have done?”

 

“They’re right. I wouldn’t have told anyway, so it isn’t your fault. There’s no blame put on anyone but him.” Hyungwon says, patting the elder’s hair. “How long will I have to stay in here?”

 

“Beats me,” Hoseok shrugs. Judging from the drip, Kihyun thinks that the boy would have to stay in there for three days at least.

 

The most painful part is, they all thought that they were getting better. Sure, step by step, they are. But there’ll be some steps back on the way to being okay again, and this was just one of them. It’s a truly heartbreaking scene, seven friends crying together over one that has been broken, harmed, abused. But they’ll get through it. They’ll get through it, like they always do. Hyungwon will get better, be able to eat proper food again, and become healthy and stronger.

 

Kihyun wouldn’t forgive himself if that doesn’t happen. The others seem to think so as well, from the way they demand for answers from Hyungwon and the way they hold him tight. With them around, Hyungwon will get better. He must get better.

 

The nurse walks in slowly, cautious about the scene unfolding before her eyes. Thankfully, all of them were already calm and were just by Hyungwon’s bed talking quietly. “Chae Hyungwon, right?” She looks at the tired boy. He nods. “Your therapist is…”

 

“Doctor Kim Junseok.” The boy replies and the nurse pens down the name quickly. “We’ll notify the management. And the police. Don’t worry, he won’t be able to hurt you anymore.”

 

She leaves, and every part of Kihyun is relieved. “We forgot to ask her how long Hyungwon has to stay,” Hoseok scoffs.

 

 

 

The week goes by quick, and the color gradually fades back into Hyungwon’s face. He’s eating proper food now, and Kihyun brings most his meals either from the canteen or from the kitchen. Their plan had worked, and Kihyun brings all of them Korean food once in a while like they had asked for. Minhyuk thanks Kihyun all the time, claiming that Kihyun’s his savior, and well, Kihyun does agree. A while without good food would drive him crazy too.

 

Hyungwon eats the food, and he doesn’t feel guilty after eating it. It’s mostly because Kihyun only brings him healthy and light stuff that’s good for recovery, and not heavy foods like meat. But, thankfully, the younger’s starting to get more and more cravings now and that’s good to hear.

 

The boy isn’t sensitive to talk about his abuse anymore. When the nurse walks in to ask him what the man did, he gives graphic explainations that Kihyun can barely listen to so he walks out the room. Changkyun raises a brow at that. Instead of fear, Hyungwon feels anger towards the man that had harmed him, he wasn’t scared anymore. Well, it wasn’t his father or anything, so he had no fear exposing him.

 

Things between Changkyun and Jooheon are starting to get more heated now. They say things that ‘just friends’ don’t say. Though Changkyun denies it and Jooheon is clueless to it, they’re definitely in love. As much as they deny it, they can’t deny it. It’s way too obvious.

 

 

 

“Hyungwon, how’ve you been recently?” Hoseok asks, sitting in the chair next to the younger. Kihyun, Hoseok and Minhyuk decided to visit Hyungwon together since the rest were busy with their own things. “I’ve been good. The TV here shows the drama so I’m entertained.” The boy replies and Kihyun shakes his head. Talk about obsessed. “What are you going to do when the show finishes, though?” Minhyuk raises an eyebrow.

 

Hyungwon shudders just thinking about it. “I don’t want to think about that now,” he states. “And besides, the character that I liked a lot, the cute boy, got shot and so did his wife. It’s sad, but that’s the best part about dramas.” Hoseok sighs when Hyungwon says ‘cute boy’, because the younger will never let him live down the moment that he cried while watching that movie with the rest before Kihyun had arrived. “Are you psycho or something?” Hoseok frowns.

 

“If it makes you sad while watching it, it means that the writer did a good job with the writing of the scripts.” Hoseok adds and Kihyun scoffs at his excuse. “Excuse me? Minhyuk cries at everything-” Minhyuk interrupts with a “hey!” but Hyungwon continues speaking. “Anyways, Minhyuk cries at everything and he didn’t cry watching the movie like you did, hyung.”

 

Hoseok frowns at the younger and Kihyun giggles, literally giggles and he covers his mouth with his hands. “God, stop being cute…” Hoseok mumbles under his breath, and Kihyun barely hears it. However, Minhyuk looks as if he’s about to explode. He’s smiling, staring at the both of them and it is normal for Minhyuk to do things like that but Kihyun’s getting a little weirded out by the staring. “What are you doing?” Hoseok frowns at the boy and he shrugs.

 

“Not much, actually. I was thinking maybe I should dye my hair black because these roots are killing me…” The boy trails off and Kihyun furrows his brows. How could he digress so fast? Just seconds ago he was staring at the two of them like a stalker and now he’s talking about dying his hair. “Yes, you should.” Hyungwon adds. “It looks so dry and it literally feels like dead grass.”

 

“Yes, thanks, Hyungwon. I can tell that you’re almost fully recovered now. By the way, Hoseok-hyung, you should try to brush up on your flirting skills.” Minhyuk comments and the elder turns red, causing Kihyun to snicker silently. “Hey, who are you to pick on my flirting skills? I’ll have you know that I’m pretty damn good at flirting!” Hoseok protests and Hyungwon rolls his eyes, making Kihyun snicker harder. “Oh yeah? You’re good? Prove it!” Instead of sounding threatening, Minhyuk sounds excited.

 

“Well, you can ask somebody! Like… Kihyun.” Kihyun slowly stops laughing when all three pairs of eyes were casted on him. “Guys, w-what?” He barely says before Minhyuk interrupts with a sigh. “I can’t believe we’re fighting over your flirting skill,” he admits and Hoseok agrees with him. “Yeah, I’m obviously really good at it.”

 

“Why are you always so cocky?” Hyungwon asks and Hoseok lifts an arm to slap him lightly but Hyungwon stops him with his famous line, “I’m a patient”. His arm wavers in the air for a second before he drops it weakly on his lap, as if defeated. “I swear to god, Chae Hyungwon.” It’s a good thing that Hyungwon doesn’t flinch when Hoseok lifts an arm – he had asked for all of them to raise their arms randomly so he’d stop flinching whenever anyone did it, and he’s making good progress.

 

Kihyun still flinches when people lift their arms. He’s mostly taken by surprise, but still, part of it was indeed because of his father. Whenever Kihyun thinks about the man, he distracts himself by thinking of something else – thinking about home would not help with getting better at all. Home sucked, and he didn’t want to think about ever going back into that place that was equivalent to hell to Kihyun. He doesn’t want to have any flashbacks, as those usually end with panic attacks.

 

“Go! I don’t want you guys to distract me while I watch my show,” Hyungwon says flatly and yes, that’s the good old Hyungwon that they all knew. Snarky all the time. Minhyuk pouts, “you prefer the show to us?” And Hyungwon replies mercilessly, “yes”, causing Minhyuk’s pout to get more pout-y. “I won’t stay to watch because I’m tired, but tell me what happens this episode.” Kihyun says and Hyungwon’s eyes are fixated on the moving screen, only nodding in reponse.

 

“This guy, I swear to god…” Hoseok grumbles to himself as he lifts himself off the chair. “Pull me up,” Kihyun sticks a hand out and the older one does so. Kihyun groans when he stands up. Man, how long has he been sitting down? Minhyuk snickers at the two in his own chair, and Hoseok looks like he has something to say to Kihyun but the words are stuck on his tongue. Kihyun knows that feeling.

 

“I don’t even know what’s going on with you two now, are you guys a couple or something?” Minhyuk asks as they walk down the white halls. Kihyun glances over at Hoseok for an answer but the elder just shrugs. Well, technically they weren’t in a relationship yet so Kihyun could say no, but with Hoseok around, the boy could never say no. “Excuse me?” Minhyuk repeats. “Are you guys a couple or something?”

 

“Shut up, Minhyuk. You’re going to wake the people up,” Hoseok replies in a harsh whisper. “Are you kidding me? Why would anybody be sleeping in the afternoon?” Hoseok looks at the younger with an eyebrow raised. “Afternoon? Minhyuk, it’s ten. At night.” Minhyuk’s eyes widen as Kihyun stifles a laugh. Trust Minhyuk to screw up his time so badly. Didn’t he already see that something was off when the sky outside was dark? “Oh! We were in there for that long? No wonder the number of insults that Hyungwon threw to me were two times more than usual!”

 

Minhyuk complains to himself as they stand in the lift, and then he proceeds to talk about meeting Hyunwoo later that night. Kihyun lets out a small laugh at that – Hyunwoo was literally all of Minhyuk, just like Hoseok was all of him. “I stay on the right wing, and you guys stay on the left. We must part here.” Minhyuk says dramatically and Kihyun rolls his eyes. “Why are you talking like that?” Hoseok asks, an eyebrow raised.

 

“Oh my god, you people are no fun! I’m just trying to be cool and… never mind. I took drama in school.” Minhyuk says, and Kihyun has no idea where the link is but he nods along anyway. “It was good. Goodbye, Minhyuk.” The boy waves and skips off, and Kihyun can’t believe that Minhyuk was older than him. It was just a couple of weeks, though.

 

Minhyuk’s departure had Kihyun thinking for a little while, Kihyun always starts thinking at random times. He doesn’t notice Hoseok looking at him weirdly, as if he’s trying to say something to Kihyun but Kihyun’s ignoring him. “What?” The younger finally asks. “Kihyun, I…”

 

The boy doesn’t know what’s happening but soon enough he’s being pinned to the wall and Hoseok’s lips are ghosting over his. “Hoseok, what-”

 

The elder’s lips crash into his, and Kihyun immediately kissing back, craving the elder’s lips. He’s been thinking about this all day – being able to kiss Hoseok again. He was going crazy, not being able to kiss the elder for the entire day. His eyelids flutter as he melts against the elder, and it was perfect. He didn’t want to let go. “Remember what I said? About… some and all that? How we’re friends but a little more than friends?” He asks, staring back down at Kihyun’s lips. Kihyun nods.

 

“I don’t want to be your friend, I want to kiss you. Kihyun, I think… fuck this. Be my boyfriend?” Hoseok asks abruptly and Kihyun can only stare for a moment before bursting out in laughter.

 

“I’ll say yes, but I have to warn you that I’ve never been in a relationship and I don’t know what to do.” Kihyun replies with his sweetest smile and Hoseok smirks. “Just keep doing what you do now. You’ll make an amazing boyfriend.”

 

Kihyun blushes, because the elder always knew what to say. Sure, he was cheesy, and sure, Kihyun complains about it most of the time, but he actually finds it amusing and he likes Hoseok like that. He could even be in love with Hoseok, he doesn’t know. What he knows is that Hoseok has helped him more than anybody else, more than nurse Kang Jinhee, more than doctor Jeon Donghyuk, more than Choi Seyoung, who were all hired for that purpose.

 

Shin Hoseok is the best, and Kihyun can’t deny it. Shin Hoseok is the best medicine, the cure for everything in Kihyun’s eyes. He makes Kihyun happy, he makes Kihyun feel again. Of course, Kihyun will be his boyfriend. Kihyun pulls the elder in for another kiss, having to tiptoe a little because of his height which makes Hoseok giggle softly into the kiss. He also goes way off, and ends up kissing the corner of Hoseok’s mouth before Hoseok adjusts himself to Kihyun, moving according to him.

 

“I…” Kihyun starts, but it’s interrupted by another kiss and Kihyun can do nothing but follow, because he’s weak for Hoseok. The elder groans softly into the kiss, and Kihyun’s body jerks. What was that doing to him? He feels Hoseok’s tongue slowly press into his mouth, and he parted his lips more. They stay like that for a moment, before they both run out of breath and pull away, a string of saliva connecting their two mouths. “I want you.” Hoseok says. His eyes were dark like the night, and Kihyun thinks that he knows what this is leading to.

 

Hoseok grabs his hand and pulls him into their room, after flying down the halls with soft thumps. He shuts the door quickly, and softly, and soon Kihyun’s pressed up to the door as well and Hoseok’s lips are connected to his again. His hands are in Kihyun’s hair, and Kihyun’s hands are under his shirt, tracing the defined lines of his abdominals. Kihyun moans lowly into the kiss and he stops for a moment, wondering what had just happened.

 

It’s getting dangerous now, Hoseok’s hands are on his shoulders, then his hips, then his arms, and lastly his chest. His breath hitches as the elder inches closer to him, and his heart races. Kihyun’s shirt is hanging off his own shoulder, and he couldn’t be bothered to adjust it. Hoseok gazes into his eyes for a second, the look in his eyes changing before he puts his lips back on Kihyun’s. The elder’s kisses start to get sloppy, and his lips travel from Kihyun’s mouth to Kihyun’s jaw, then to his neck, then to his collarbone. Kihyun was very sure that he’d have marks on him tomorrow, but he’s way too caught up in the moment to even care about that.

 

The elder bites it softly and Kihyun winces a little, unsure of the sensation. It was good, but a little strange. At Kihyun’s reaction, Hoseok looks up and asks if he’s alright. Kihyun tells him to carry on, groaning as the elder sucks a dark, purple mark on his collarbone. The other boy proceeds to suck more marks into Kihyun’s skin while Kihyun writhes under him, moaning softly. Kihyun can already feel the bulge in his pants growing.

 

Kihyun’s hands travel to the hem of Hoseok’s shirt, and the elder pulls it off in one swift motion – the scars on his stomach now not visible and Kihyun’s happy for him. Hoseok continues to suck on his skin while Kihyun feels as if he’s about to explode, but in a good way. “Kihyun, do you… want to do this?” Hoseok looks back up, unsure, and Kihyun gives him a firm nod. He wants to do whatever Hoseok was about to do, and god, does he want to do it badly.

 

Hoseok inches forward again – pressing his body against Kihyun’s and the elder moans, putting his lips back on Kihyun’s. They were taking it slow, which is good for Kihyun. Well, not really, because it starts to get boring for a while and Kihyun pulls the elder off him, causing the elder to give him a confused look. “This is… boring. Show me more.” And Hoseok smirks, biting his lip and Kihyun regrets it already. The elder was going to be the death of him.

 

It’s when Hoseok palms him through his jeans when Kihyun finally snaps, moaning loudly and fuck, he doesn’t know how to do this but it feels too good to be true. Hoseok snickers for a short while before continuing, and Kihyun closes his eyes, throwing his head back. Hoseok slowly, teasingly, unbuckles the younger’s jeans and Kihyun almost shivers. The elder frowns for a moment, seeing the scars on his thighs. “Kihyun, how old are these?”

 

“God, what a turn off.” Kihyun groans, annoyed at himself for causing those scars a long time ago. He didn’t even know he had it in himself to talk like that. “Uh, three months at least.” He replies to the smiling Hoseok and he nods approvingly before using the fact that Kihyun wasn’t focused to pull down his underwear and fuck – Kihyun’s breath hitches when his painfully hard member hits the cold air and he suddenly feels awkward, that he’s the only one that’s pants-less.

 

He doesn’t feel awkward anymore when Hoseok takes his tip to his mouth, tongue swirling over it. He leans backwards on the door, moaning freely as he does so. The elder drags his tongue up Kihyun’s base and it’s doing magic for Kihyun – he’s never felt as good as this in his entire life. He subconsciously moves his hands and they’re now tangled in Hoseok’s hair, causing the elder elicit moans whenever Kihyun tugs on it. The elder’s moans send vibrations down Kihyun’s dick and fuck, Hoseok was good at this. Kihyun starts to notice the feeling of Hoseok’s hands roaming around his tighs and hips, and he suddenly feels twice as hot as he did before.

 

“K-Kihyun, you okay?” Hoseok pauses just for a second to make sure that the younger’s fine. His voice was low and croaky, and Kihyun doesn’t ever want to admit that he finds it _hot_.

 

“I’m f-fine,” He manages to choke out because Hoseok’s lips are back on his dick, and full force. Kihyun almost yelps in surprise as the elder wraps his lips around his member and presses his tongue flat on the underside of his shaft, then taking him, all in. He groans in pleasure, hands gripping the door as hard as he could and his head thrown back as far as possible.

 

He knows that he won’t be able to last long, for this was his very first time anyway. “H-hoseok,” the elder’s name slips out of Kihyun’s mouth like a prayer. Hoseok lets out a strangled moan which makes Kihyun freeze for a moment, edging closer to his orgasm. Hoseok glances up and maintains eye contact with the younger while constantly bobbing his head up and down letting out breathy moans, and Kihyun feels as if he’s in heaven.

 

Kihyun’s hips jerk up, a sign of his climax approaching. Hoseok takes notice of this and decides to make use of it, sucking harder than he did before and Kihyun almost screams. He moves his hands out of Hoseok’s hair, afraid of ripping the elder’s hair out as he feels an unfamiliar coiling sensation at the very pit of his stomach. He takes one more look at the elder below him, on his knees, and it’s beautiful.

 

“Fuck!” The younger curses as the elder speeds up and he’s pretty sure he’s not going to last any longer now. And he’s right, because as soon as Hoseok’s hands rub his thigh he’s right about to lose it. Kihyun’s breaths are starting to get short and hitched. “Fuck, Hoseok, I think I’m g-going t-to…”

 

Kihyun’s entire body jerks from the force of his climax, coming into Hoseok’s mouth, and he almost falls onto the floor, but he stops himself by holding on to the wooden door. The elder swallows whatever he can, wiping his mouth after he’s done, a few loose drops dropping to the floor and Kihyun leans against the door to regain his composure for a short moment before Hoseok’s back on his feet and attaching his lips to Kihyun’s.

 

“Kihyun, you were great.” The elder says before he pushes his tongue into Kihyun’s mouth and Kihyun can taste himself in Hoseok’s mouth. “Let’s clean up now…” Hoseok pulls back for a moment and Kihyun’s eyes travel to the other’s jeans, where a bulge was present and there’s no way Kihyun is going to just leave Hoseok like that. Though he’s clueless, it would be heartless to do so. “No.”

 

“No?” Hoseok tilts his head, an amused grin plastered on his face. Kihyun doesn’t want to speak because he doesn’t know what to say, but he pushes Hoseok to the wall and places his lips on Hoseok’s, starting off slowly but soon enough he’s fiddling with the buttons on Hoseok’s pants, the elder looking back at him with an approving stare. His stare was intriguing, and it leaves Kihyun a little shaken up.

 

He pulls the elder’s jeans off, then his underwear, before realizing that he has absolutely no idea what he’s supposed to do and fuck, Hoseok’s looking at him expectantly. “What’s wrong?”

 

“I just realized that I’ve never done this before…” Kihyun says in disbelief, Hoseok may or may not have accidentally let out a soft laugh at that. “I’ll show you…” Hoseok spits in his own hand and wraps it around his own cock, and Kihyun’s probably going to get hard again if this happens for too long. The elder leans back in bliss, with half-lidded eyes and mouth slightly agape, letting out a couple of low moans that makes Kihyun want to go on his knees for him.

 

He decides that the elder’s going too far when he lets out an unexpectedly loud moan, and he pulls the elder’s hand away, replacing it with his own. “Fuck, yes, fuck.” He moans out, dragging out every syllable. He follows what Hoseok did, placing his palm on the shaft and then curling his fingers around it to get the right grip and that alone already has the elder moaning. He speeds up, then slows down, deciding that he wants the elder to enjoy every single moment of this.

 

Hoseok writhes under his touch and Kihyun feels weird that he’s the one that’s controlling the other, for it has always been the other way round. “K-kihyun…” the elder lets out an almost unintelligible groan and Kihyun’s hand speeds up, before he decides to slow down again. “W-wow, you sure do like teasing me, right? I swear, you’re evil…” Hoseok lets out a breathy laugh, and Kihyun snickers a little at that, placing a small kiss at the corner of Hoseok’s mouth, his hand still doing its work.  

 

The elder looks him straight in the eye and it sends shivers down Kihyun’s spine, but for some reason it makes him feel as if he has the permission to do whatever he wants to do to Hoseok. Sharp, little pants echo around the tiny bedroom with thin walls and Hoseok’s hands are curled up into fists as he breathes heavily against the old wooden door. Kihyun can feel the elder’s breathing getting more and more unstable, indicating that his climax was approaching and he makes use of that to flick his wrist quicker, his grip tightening. “Oh f-fuck, holy shit.”

 

Hoseok’s chest rises and falls heavily, and the elder shudders just as Kihyun’s hands speed up, releasing all over the younger’s hands and his own stomach, heaving as he falls back against the door, not saying a word so that he could get himself together first. “I h-honestly don’t believe that this was your first time doing… well, that.” Hoseok manages to breathe out – he was still out of breath. Kihyun chuckles, glacing down at the white substance on his hands. “You can clean that off, you know?” Hoseok says slowly as he guides himself up. “God, this is embarrassing.”

 

“Why’s it embarrassing?” Kihyun asks as he fetches the tissue box that was lying just a couple of metres away, cleaning the sticky substance off his hands and the floor while Hoseok puts his underwear back on, not bothering with his jeans. “I don’t know. You’re cleaning my, well… semen off the floor.”

 

“You’re the last person that I thought would be embarrassed about that.” Kihyun admits flatly, and Hoseok laughs loudly. “Plus, we’re boyfriends. Doesn’t this happen often with boyfriends?”

 

“Wow.” Hoseok says, wrapping his hands around Kihyun’s waist while he washes his hands and Kihyun nearly gets a heart attack as he didn’t notice the elder creeping up on him. “You’ve gotten bolder after we officially got together.”

 

Kihyun glances up at the mirror, admiring how good Hoseok looked on him, before noticing the very obvious marks on his neck. He’s never going to hear the end of it the next day. Oh well, it felt good while it lasted. After the boy dries his hands, he’s being dragged to the bed by a certain blonde haired boy that also happens to be his boyfriend. _His boyfriend_. The words that Kihyun never ever thought that he would say.

 

“Goodnight, Kihyun.” Hoseok yawns sleepily, flicking the switch nearest to him and Kihyun yawns as well, just realizing how tired he actually was. Hoseok wraps an arm around Kihyun’s waist, and he notices how relaxed he feels, and how long he’s longed to feel like that. This just proves that Hoseok really was a better medicine than all the medicines they give to cure mental illnesses, and it also proves that Hoseok was better than any other therapists in the center.

 

Hoseok makes Kihyun feel so different, so special. It’s like Kihyun’s the center of Hoseok’s universe and Hoseok’s the center of Kihyun’s universe. He loves it, it makes him feel less lonely for once.

 

It’s also good that he feels almost cured. With Hoseok, he forgets all the pain because the boy replaces it with happiness and pure bliss. Kihyun thinks, what if they run away? What if they just said goodbye to this place? What if they leave everything all behind, and no one ever finds them?

 

He’d run away with Hoseok any day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update - it's been 5 days. my (mental) health hasn't been that good hence the late update, i'm sorry, and i'll try to get the next chapter up ASAP


	8. PART VIII: LOST

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> People leave, and they have to learn

_“Damn it,” Kihyun mumbles to himself when the door unlocks and that’s a sign that his father’s home. He turns off the music, because he was always irritable and that’ll probably make him annoyed. He hates it when his father comes back home, he loathes the man. The door to his room clicks and he has to stand right on the spot in the middle of the room, so that his father doesn’t find any excuses to do anything to him. Except, he always did._

_“Your school term is over, eh? What are you doing nowadays?” The man asks and Kihyun doesn’t know what to reply – he doesn’t know what will satisfy the man. If he tells him the truth, that he’s been trying to write a song, he’ll probably get hit. “I haven’t been doing much, I guess.”_

_“Not doing much, huh? Have you considered studying so that you can enter into a college?” The man asks again and Kihyun almost rolls his eyes at him. He’s already told him countless times that he’s been accepted into a school, but he just refuses to accept it. “I’ve already been accepted into a college, father.”_

_“If this is about your music school I-”_

_“It is.” Kihyun interrupts. He doesn’t care about the consequences, he just needed his father to get it in that he is going to that school because it’s the only school that he wants to go to. “Son of a… You dare to interrupt me? Haven’t I told you? Music won’t get you anywhere, it’s your grades that do.”_

_“Father, do you listen to music?” Kihyun asks the man who seems to be at a loss for words. Everybody listens to music, be it any genre. That’s why the man’s speechless. But the thing about Kihyun’s dad is, he knows his way around words. He knows it all. That’s what a language professor knows. Kihyun wonders what his students think of him. “This is just basic disrespect, right?”_

_The man paces around the room, searching Kihyun’s school bag and stacks of paper while Kihyun stands right in the middle of the room, speechless, watching the man mess up the organized room that he had packed all by himself. “An F? Seriously?” The man shouts, pulling out a test paper from a few weeks ago. “What the fuck is this?” His father raises the paper, a huge F in the top right corner circled. “That’s my test paper, father.”_

_“Don’t try and be smart with me. What the fuck is wrong with your grades? What the fuck is wrong with you?” The man raises an open hand and Kihyun draws back on instinct. “It’ll be okay if you just let me go to the school that I want to go to.” Kihyun replies, but it’s more of a mumble. “Let you go, huh?” The man scoffs. “Why should I let you go there? If you go there, you won’t go anywhere in life. Not that you’re going anywhere now.”_

_“Because I want to do it.” Kihyun says simply and his father snorts mockingly. “Because you want to do it, huh? Do you think you have what it takes?”_

_“I think I do, father. The more you put me down, the more I feel the need to go there.”_

_“You fucking brat. This is for your own good and for your future.”_

_“Yeah, I hope to be bruised and scarred for every single day of my future, father.”_

_“You’re a fucking disgrace. How dare you talk to your father like that?”_

_“Why do you talk to me like that?” Kihyun asks, and the man’s eyes widen, a sign of him getting more and more infuriated by every second. “All my friends, every single person I know who has a father talks about how their father supports them in whatever they do. Why can’t you support me? I’m doing the thing that I love by going to the music school, and shouldn’t you be happy that I’m doing what I want to do? As a parent, isn’t it just the basics? When they get their tests and they don’t do well, they’re afraid of disappointing their parents while for me, I’m afraid of getting hit when I come home. Father, I’m sick of this. I feel like this is all just part of your sick game, and you’re the only one having fun while it causes the rest of us pain.”_

_The man is seething in anger now, and Kihyun takes this opportunity to step back for a second. “I’ve said it before, did you not listen? This is to set you right, so that you won’t end up like that fucking disappointment, Jihyun! Your brother just ran away like that.”_

_“This isn’t his fault! You’re the reason why he moved! He’s sick of you verbally and physically abusing him all the time so he just got his bags and left! If I could do that, I would!” After he finishes his sentence, a hand flies across his right cheek and it stings, causing him to draw back and wince in pain. “I fucking hate this family!”_

_His father laughs menacingly. “Well, this just so happens to be your family, Kihyun.” Kihyun can spot the door within running distance and considers making a run for it again. The man slaps him in the cheek again for no reason this time, on the exact same spot and Kihyun can feel tears running down his cheek, though his face was already numb. “Crying already? It’s just been two hits, son.”_

_“I’m crying because yes, it hurts. But I’m mainly crying because out of all the people in the world I was chosen to be born in a family where both my parents are psychopatsh that find pleasure in torturing their children and-” Kihyun’s cut off because the man throws a punch right at his stomach and he collapses right to the floor, the man snickering as this happens. “You’re that weak, Kihyun? I can’t believe you’re my son.”_

_“And the worst part is, you think that what you’re doing is right.” Kihyun breathes out, clutching his stomach in pain. Fresh tears threaten to fall right out his eyes again. He doubles over, hands supporting him by staying on the ground. The man sneers and looks back down, as if looking for the right spot to prey on before deciding to kick Kihyun in the shoulder, making him collapse for a moment before standing right back up strongly. “W-why do you think this is right?”_

_“I know this is right. You’ll be scared to fuck up so you’ll do things my way.” The man says, and Kihyun wants to hit him as well. “Why don’t you try an option where you don’t have to be heartless?” Kihyun asks and the man throws a punch right at the center of his face and he puts a hand over his nose. He can already smell blood. The man, his father, just laughs before exiting the room. “I’m sick of playing with you.”_

_Kihyun looks at the window. The window grills are unlocked, and he could jump out of it that very moment._

Kihyun wakes up and it’s four in the morning, three hours before he actually needed to be up. He touches his nose to make sure that it’s fine and glances over at Hoseok, and he thanks god that he’s not at home but in the center, and he’s safe. He’s safe here, away from the man that he had to call his father. Kihyun hates the word ‘father’. He shifts uncomfortably – not wanting to wake the peaceful looking male sleeping next to him.

 

He never wants Hoseok knowing the full details of how his father treated him, the other would just seethe in anger and threaten to report the man. Kihyun wants to tell Hoseok, he wants to tell the therapist, and he wants to tell the world about what his father does to him.

 

But, family ties are family ties and Kihyun still feels guilty about even reporting the man. Sure, he’s done horrible things, but he’s still Kihyun’s father after all and nothing can change that no matter what. As much as he hates the man, he doesn’t want him to suffer either. He’d already been in jail for the first half of his youth, and he doesn’t want him to go back in again – jail seems like a terrifying place. Of course it is. People who commit crimes are locked up in there, it doesn’t matter if they’re good or bad people. They’re all put together in a horrible place, just like how all the mentally ill kids are put together in the rehabilitation center. He doesn’t want anyone having to suffer the pain of being locked up daily, only allowed to follow a schedule. He doesn’t want that to happen to his father.

 

Kihyun somehow manages to convince himself to not over think it – they’ve just overcome one problem with Hyungwon and he doesn’t want to make mountains out of molehills. He’s fine, he’s just a little worried about how it’s going to be like when he’s released. No matter how much he denies it and tells himself not to think about it, the little voice in his head warns him about Hoseok leaving before him and leaving him alone. He’s afraid that he’s built his hopes up like a tower, and that they’ll just crumble down into pieces. Kihyun tries to ignore it, but he doesn’t know how much longer he’s going to be able to hold them back. They were demons – and he’s running away from them.

 

He rolls on his back and throws a pillow over his face, squeezing his eyes shut. No more thinking for the night, please.

 

 

 

Kihyun thought that he’d be safe without needing to use any makeup or wearing any special clothes, but he’s clearly very wrong because he’s now sitting at a canteen table and Minhyuk’s screaming about the marks on his neck. Changkyun glances at him with a sneaky glint in his eye and Kihyun shakes his head. “What’s that! Where did you get it from? Out of all the people here, Kihyun, I didn’t think that you’d get… that.”

 

“Why not?” Kihyun asks, facing his food. He doesn’t look at Minhyuk because the elder has those eyes that makes a person want to tell him every single thing. Hyungwon raises an eyebrow at this before smirking. “What do you mean by ‘why not’? Don’t you know that you’re the last person that we expect to get it on?”

 

Hyungwon seems to already be fully recovered, from what Kihyun can see and hear. He’s already right back to his normal, snarky self. Apparently they’ve already found him a new therapist, and he’s still being monitored in case something similar happens again. “Who did you get that from?” Minhyuk asks although he probably already knows the answer. Hoseok’s hand bumps into his for a short moment and Kihyun draws back fast for no apparent reason. Hoseok shoots an amused smirk at him. “Why should I tell?”

 

“You need to tell us when juicy things like that happen!” Changkyun exclaims, mimicking the way that Minhyuk speaks whenever something out of the blue happens. Minhyuk nods in agreement, oblivious to the fact that the younger was in fact teasing him. No doubt that Hoseok’s amused smirk is fading into a smug smirk, and he’s hinting at the others. “Well, if he got that, I’m pretty sure him and his special someone had a really fun time.”

 

“It’s you, hyung! I can tell when you’re trying to act like you’re bad at acting when you’re actually good at acting,” Jooheon says, and it takes Kihyun a moment to process his words because he says it so quickly that it sounds like a rap. Hoseok shrugs, “maybe.” His smile was unconvincing and Kihyun can feel his cheeks heating up because Minhyuk’s squealing about the both of them together. Hoseok wanted to tell them, it seems. But he’s still playing with them, dropping obvious hints but not giving them straight answers.

 

“What do you mean ‘maybe’? You’re his roommate and surely you’ll know whether he left his room to fuck or something…” Hyungwon asks and Hoseok shrugs again. “Dude, I don’t know. Don’t ask me anything. I’m as good as clueless. I don’t know who caused all those marks but they look like they’re caused by a handsome person.”

 

Kihyun scoffs loudly, and though Hoseok says that it’s not him, his body language gives it away and no one looks convinced, even Hyunwoo, who always looks like he’s neutral. “What?” Jooheon furrows his brows before glancing at Hoseok suspiciously. “He’s saying that it’s caused by him. Right, Kihyun?” Hyungwon deadpans and Kihyun’s eyes widen.

 

 “I… gotta go!” Kihyun picks up his tray hurriedly while the rest watch, confused. “Yeah, I have an early session today so… bye.”

 

Kihyun tries his best not to look back at the others while running to nowhere in particular. He could still hear Minhyuk and Jooheon laughing, though. Whatever. Maybe he’d really go for an early session.

 

 

 

“So how’s your friend? Hyungwon… his name is? I was pretty shocked after finding out what Junseok did to him. Thank god they arrested that man.” Doctor Jeon sighs. “You can never really trust anyone.”

 

You can never trust anyone? That’s untrue. Kihyun knows a ton of people he can trust, like Hoseok, Hyunwoo, Minhyuk, Hyungwon, Jooheon, Changkyun and even doctor Jeon. He thinks that it’s very untrue because all these people have given him tremendous amounts of support and there’s no way he’s ever going to turn against them. “Hyungwon’s doing fine. I can’t believe that he’s gone through that, and all alone…”

 

Doctor Jeon raises an eyebrow. “He didn’t tell anyone?” Kihyun nods, picking at his nails under the table. “That’s even worse. It’s kind of amazing how he’s alright at such a fast speed. Sadly, I’ve had another patient that’s gone through that but it didn’t take him a very short time to heal. He’s still here, I think. He’s one of the longest residents here.”

 

“I agree. Hyungwon doesn’t even feel fear anymore, he feels more anger than fear. I guess that’s good.” Kihyun says and doctor Jeon ponders hard about it. “Well, it has pros and cons. But it’s definitely better for him to be angry than scared since Junseok’s already in jail and there won’t be a point in feeling scared.”

 

Kihyun wants to sigh because it really didn’t work that way for him. He wants to tell doctor Jeon about the root of all his problems, the one that caused him to be here in the first place, but he’s scared. He’s scared that he’d get the man arrested, and he’s scared that he’ll feel guilty for the rest of his life. As much as he hated the guy, a part of him wants him to be well too. He wished that he didn’t feel scared – for telling the doctor about his father would be doing the right thing. It’ll help him, it’ll help his mother and it’ll help his dear brother. Maybe he’d want to come back and stay with Kihyun again.

 

Suddenly, it feels as if he was fifteen again and his mother had brought home some good news to share.

_“Kihyunie! Mother says that we have good news.” Kihyun’s brother taps him on the shoulder and Kihyun’s eyes widen in excitement. “Really? What is it?”_

_“I don’t know, but she says it’s really really good news! Let’s go to the dining room…” the older boy pulls on Kihyun’s arm and the younger boy follows without any hesitation at all. There their mother sat, in the wooden chair and her arms placed neatly on the wooden table. She has a warm, inviting smile on her face and her eyes glint in pure happiness. This has to be really good news, for his mother to look like that again._

_“Kids, I have good news to share with you.” She states and Kihyun claps his hands eagerly. “Tell us!” His older brother smiles and she nods slowly. “Your father is coming back home.”_

_Kihyun’s face immediately falls when the woman finishes her sentence. He hates his father. He was mean and he hit him. That’s not what a father should do. Kihyun also notices his older brother frowning a little, before smiling a little tensly. He then glances back to his mother, who looks a little shocked yet upset at the same time. “What, is that not good news?” She asks, and as much as Kihyun wants to reply honestly, he doesn’t. Thank god his older brother was there._

_“I don’t know. He’s in jail for a reason.” Kihyun’s mother scoffs before reassuring them. “He’s been in there for years and years, I’m pretty sure he’s learnt his lesson. He’ll treat you guys and me right, don’t you worry.”_

Kihyun feels stupid, he can’t believe that he had believed his mother when she had said that. People don’t change, is what he’s learnt from his own father. Once he found out that he could relieve his on stress by venting on his children and spouse, it became a solution to his problems, then a hobby, then a habit. People don’t change, because he was only kind for a month after he came back from jail before he started doing what he did before again.

 

People will never change. Kihyun’s not going to change as well, so he doesn’t know if he’s going to tell on his father or be quiet.

 

“Alright, Kihyun. That’s it for today. See you tomorrow.” Doctor Jeon dismisses him and he exits the room slowly, thoughts still weighing down on him. He needs company.

 

He’s pretty damn glad when he walks out his therapy room to see Hyungwon on the couch and already watching the drama that they bonded so much over. “The king is sick,” Hyungwon says very gravely as Kihyun sits on his usual seat next to the other. “Oh, shit. Is the crown prince going to take over, or are the other princes going to attempt to kill the king first?” Kihyun asks and Hyungwon shrugs. “That’s what we’re watching right now. I hope that crown prince takes over, though… he’s a nice guy.”

 

“Yeah, but being nice won’t really get you anywhere in the context of the show. Just because he’s nice, it won’t stop his greedy brother for wanting the seat of the king. He’s going to get killed.” Kihyun says. Hoseok walks out his room without a word but a smile on his face, motioning for Kihyun to move over before sitting in the seat uncomfortably (for normal people) close to Kihyun, putting a hand over the seat of the couch. He listens closely to their conversation, although he doesn’t understand anything that they’re talking about. “Furthermore, shouldn’t it be the fourth prince that-”

 

Kihyun’s interrupted by the door being slammed open, and even Hyungwon looks away from the TV to see Minhyuk standing at the doorway, looking as if he’s been through an entire storm. Kihyun raises an eyebrow, before the boy makes his way to them, his bottom lip quivering. Hyungwon opens his mouth to speak but closes it instead, because Minhyuk has already answered all his questions. “Hyunwoo-hyung’s going to go. He’s healed already. I… I knew that. It’s just… they just confirmed it recently and told me and I… what do I do now?”

 

“I r-really don’t want him to go, he’s all I have and he’s the main reason why I’m getting better and not this godforsaken place and I don’t know what I’m going to do without him. I’m worried, I’m so worried that he won’t be okay outside of this place. I’m afraid that he’s going to go back home and his parents are going to be cold to him. I can’t stand to think of him being treated that badly.” Minhyuk blurts out and during his confession Changkyun and Jooheon walk out their rooms. Hyungwon motions for them to sit quietly, but Minhyuk just tells them to just sit. Hyungwon even turns off the TV, which he never did unless something really bad had happened. Minhyuk never looks this. “Guys, you need to h-help me. I’ll feel terrible for asking to stay just for my own sake.”

 

“Am I being a selfish boyfriend? I say and I feel that the reason why I want Hyunwoo to stay in this place is so that he’ll be safe and away from the outside world, but I’m scared that the actual reason for me saying this is for my selfish self. Do I want him to be safe, or do I just want him to be with me? Am I being selfish?” Minhyuk asks, his breaths hitching as he blurts everything out again.

 

“No. You’re not being selfish.” A familiar voice that belonged to none of them sitting in the lounge rings out and all of them look up to see Hyunwoo by the door with a piece of paper in his hands. As soon as Minhyuk’s eyes meet the boy’s, tears start falling out his eyes like a waterfall. “You don’t see it, and I don’t say it, but I’m afraid too. I’m afraid of what they’ll see me as, I’m afraid of living my life without you because I’m so used to you being by my side.”

 

“But you’ve gotten better, and you deserve to be released. You should be glad. I’m just… afraid, and I’m being selfish.” Minhyuk admits. “I’m afraid for you, and I’m afraid of being without you.  I don’t know if I can be my normal self if I’m not with you. I want to sleep next to you, I want run into your arms after my therapy or whenever I’m feeling bad about myself. I want to hold hands with you, I want to be close to you, I want to be with you forever. I don’t care if forever doesn’t exist, I just want to be with you all my life. I don’t care if people say that we’re too young for ‘forever’, because that’s all what I want to-”

 

Hyunwoo walks up to Minhyuk to cup the younger’s face in his hands, wiping away the younger’s tears and it looks like a scene right out a drama. “Minhyuk, just remember that I’m always with you. I’ll be waiting for you after I’m released, so you have to get better for me.” Minhyuk nods in the elder’s hands and another string of tears fall out his eyes. “Yes, Hyunwoo. I will g-get better for you.”

 

“Hey, don’t worry. I’ll still be here, since I’m only going to be released in a month’s time. I can still be with you.” Hyunwoo says and Minhyuk looks down, sobbing silently. The boy clings on to Hyunwoo as if it’s for his dear life, and Hyunwoo pats his back assuringly. Kihyun exchanges glances with everyone, and he notices that Hoseok has tears in his eyes before he blinks and wow, he had tears in his eyes himself.

 

Minhyuk pulls away from the hug and wraps his hands around Hyunwoo’s neck, the elder leaning in while Minhyuk kisses him and Kihyun doesn’t know how he can see it but it’s a sad kiss, a kiss that meant goodbye instead of hello. It’s bittersweet, and it’s painful. “I love you. I wasn’t sure before because we’ve only been together for a few months or so, but now I’m sure. I love you, Hyunwoo. I don’t care about the circumstances of all this, all I know is that I love you.” Minhyuk says firmly and everyone looks overwhelmed.

 

“Minhyuk, I… I love you too. I’ve known that since we met, I’ve been waiting.” Hyunwoo says slowly while enveloping the other into a tight hug. “Silly, I’ve been waiting as well. We could’ve done this months ago.” Minhyuk laughs but his voice is muffled because he’s pressed up on Hyunwoo’s chest tightly. “Look, honestly, I was lonely before I met you. I was lost, even. I didn’t know if I was ready to be found. I couldn’t sleep at night, and I felt so… empty. Then after I met you, I could sleep, but every dream was about you. It was like… my heart wanted to see you. I was thinking, how long will you leave me like this? We already like each other, but we’re not saying anything. I’m glad I did. It was the best decision of my entire life.”

 

Kihyun watches as the two embrace each other – is this what true love looks like? They’re crying, but they’re crying together because they don’t want to leave. These two are the most carefree couple and for someone like Minhyuk who’s always happy, Kihyun did not expect this entire scene to unfold right in front of his own two eyes. “Guys, join us.” Minhyuk says, and they all drape over the two into a group hug. That’s how much it hurts for the two.

 

“What if we run away one day, and we leave everything behind? We can run away now… You think we can find paradise one day? With only the two of us, and our friends…” Minhyuk asks. Hyunwoo nods. “I’ll hold your hand and we’ll both dream the same dream. Our hearts flutter when we see each other, that’s paradise. We’ll go together, and I’ll run to you anytime…”

 

Paradise sounds like a good place. Kihyun only hopes for the best for the two. The line on his face turns into a little smile while he feels the tears in his eyes rolling down his cheek and he looks over at the rest of them, all with similar expressions on their faces.

 

 

 

“It’s the reason why I tried to avoid you the first time I noticed that I was falling.” Kihyun admits as he sits on the bed, right next to Hoseok who looks like he understands. “I’ll always be with you, no matter what. Like a ghost.” Hoseok says and Kihyun frowns, swatting the elder’s hands away. “Oh, come on. You love it. If you’re still worrying about leaving, I can help you kiss it better. Loving’s so good when love is young.”

 

“Okay, do that.” Kihyun says and Hoseok raises an eyebrow. “You’ve gotten bolder. You’re driving me wild.” But he doesn’t refuse Kihyun’s offer and places his lips on Kihyun’s – something that Kihyun’s been craving for the entire day. He’s right about to say something into the kiss when the door bursts open and Hoseok screams. Changkyun strolls in and snickers at the elder who looks like he could be slapping Changkyun at that moment. “You’re still denying that the marks aren’t caused by Hoseok-hyung, huh, hyung?” He asks Kihyun but Kihyun doesn’t reply.

 

“Why are you here, little rascal? Shouldn’t you be running down the halls with your little friend Jooheon?” Hoseok asks, and Changkyun rolls his eyes at the elder. “Funny, hyung. I’m here for advice. What Minhyuk-hyung and Hyunwoo-hyung said just now really had me thinking.”

 

“Oh, really?” Hoseok draws in, interested in what the younger has to say. “Yes. Can I sit on your… beds? Gosh, I can’t believe you connected them.” Changkyun shakes his head, muttering to himself. “Shoes off first.” Kihyun points at the younger’s shoes and he slips them off as quickly as he possibly could. Looks like he really needs some advice. “Look, hyungs, I’m going crazy! I think I’m dying.”

 

“That’s why we’re all here,” Hoseok snickers and Changkyun narrows his eyes for a moment. “No, hyung, Jooheon’s driving me wild. He’s so stupid! I’ve been hinting for a month or so now and he doesn’t get it!”

 

“Oh, Jooheon, so pure and innocent and blind all the time…” Hoseok sighs and Changkyun agrees. “He’s not that innocent, though. He’s just so blind. And kind of lost.”

 

“Lost?” Kihyun raises an eyebrow. “Lost.” Changkyun confirms. “Like, sometimes I can tell that he knows what I mean, but he doesn’t say anything about it or even react. It’s like, he’s lost inside and he just doesn’t know what to say. I want to tell him so bad, because youth is leaving us soon and it’s going to be too late if I tell him only after we leave this place.”

 

“Rubbish. Youth? You’re still so young. There’s no way youth will run out unless you guys stay in here for another ten years. There’s no need to worry about youth now. But you’re right, Jooheon should be less… stupid. He needs to see what’s going on. Why don’t you tell him?” Hoseok suggests and Changkyun shakes his head profusely. “I would never ever tell him. I don’t have any guts to do that.”

 

“What are you afraid of?” Kihyun asks, and Changkyun looks taken aback by his sudden question. “Rejection, I guess… I’ve always been afraid of rejection.”

 

Hoseok rolls his eyes. “Come on, Changkyun. Jooheon’s a huge sucker for you. He won’t reject you, I can promise.” Changkyun continues to shake his head, refusing Hoseok’s suggestion. “I really… can’t. Honestly, you’d never think of me saying things like this, but he just means so much to him. I can’t… confess to him. What if he gets creeped out and never wants to talk to me again? I’d ruin us.”

 

“Changkyun. You never know unless you try. It doesn’t look like Jooheon’s going to be the first one to confess, but you can be the courageous one.” Kihyun assures him and Changkyun places his head in his hands for a moment to think clearly about it. “Wait, hyungs, between you two, who was the first to confess?” Changkyun asks and Kihyun doesn’t really know how to reply to the younger.

 

“Well, we don’t really have an answer for that, but Kihyun kissed me first. Does that count as confessing?” Hoseok says, and Kihyun can already feel his cheeks burning up. “Totally does. I can’t believe Kihyun-hyung did that. I always thought that you’d be the one that initiates everything, hyung. Never thought that Kihyun-hyung started… all of this.” Changkyun replies and Hoseok nods. “Well, most of the time I am, but not for that one day. I was so surprised that my little guy had it in him to do that!”

 

“Your little guy?” Kihyun scoffs. “I’m not your little guy, Hoseok. That sounds so _ugly_.” Changkyun laughs at the elders, but his laugh sounds forced and fake. It sounds like his very thoughts are weighing him down, and Kihyun knows that feeling all too well. “Hey, Changkyun. I know that it’s killing you inside, but the only thing that you really have to do is just say it. We could help you too, but indirectly, I guess…”

 

“Thank you, hyungs. I really hope and Minhyuk-hyung and Hyunwoo hyung are doing well, though. I think Minhyuk-hyung’s going to move into Hyunwoo-hyung’s room for the time that he has left in here. That’s good, they need to spend as much time as they possibly can before hyung leaves.” Changkyun picks at his nails while he says this. “Yes, I agree. They need to spend the rest of Hyunwoo’s time in here to cherish each other, even though they already do that.” Hoseok adds and Kihyun nods. “They need some healing time.”

 

Changkyun pushes himself off the bed, groaning as he stands up like an old man. Hoseok lets out a breathy laugh and Changkyun frowns. “Hey, don’t make fun of me because I’m not as youthful as the rest of you.” The bed creaks as he’s fully off it and is supporting himself. “I’ll really think about what hyungs said. Thank you, see you tomorrow.” Changkyun waves and the two wave back. “See you, Changkyun. Don’t tell the others that we’re officially together yet.” Hoseok adds and Changkyun snorts. “Yeah, not as if they don’t know.”

 

“Lock the door behind you!” Kihyun calls out, and Changkyun gives him a thumbs up. “See you!” He calls out and Hoseok snickers. “Young love.”

 

“What? We’re only two or three years older than Changkyun and Jooheon. That doesn’t make much of a difference, _hyung_.” Kihyun says and Hoseok narrows his eyes. “Why are you calling me hyung? I mean, it’s basic respect, but you never call me hyung ‘cause you’re disrespectful.” Hoseok chuckles and Kihyun hits him lightly on the arm. “Hey, that’s disrespectful!” Hoseok protests but Kihyun ignores it.

 

“Rude.” Hoseok comments and Kihyun rolls his eyes. “I’m not rude, _hyung_.”

 

Kihyun sighs. “I think Changkyun really loves Jooheon. It’ll be terrifying to think of the person that you love not loving you back.”

 

Hoseok nods in agreement.

 

 

 

“I’m dead inside.” Hyungwon states when he walks into the room for breakfast. “What?”

 

“I’m dead inside. I was having the best sleep of my life but then I was woken by this stupid alarm, and god, I’m annoyed. It was so good. But I knew that it was too good to be good for me. That’s why the alarm woke me. I’m dead inside because the tenth prince and his wife died.” Hyungwon says slowly, frowning as he eats his breakfast. “What? They die?” Kihyun’s eyes widen and Hyungwon nods gravely. “Are you guys talking about that damn show again?” Hoseok asks and Kihyun glares at him. “It’s the only thing me and Kihyun talk about. Besides you being stupid, hyung.”

 

“I can relate.” Changkyun snorts, sitting next to Jooheon, his usual seat. Minhyuk and Hyunwoo are next to each other and eating silently, Minhyuk’s actually silent for the first time and it’s the most worrying thing ever. Hyunwoo really means loads to him, and having to lose him would definitely dampen his spirits. Kihyun decides that it’s good to let them have their silence.

 

Jooheon bends forward, and Kihyun doesn’t know what he’s doing but he fails and his face lands right in his food. Thankfully his lips were the only thing that had food on them, and ketchup covered his lips like badly applied lipstick. Kihyun covers his mouth quickly and snickers at the younger while Hoseok simply just shakes his head. Minhyuk and Hyunwoo actually laugh for the first time that day. “It worked! I did that on purpose to make you guys laugh. I’m replacing Minhyuk for the time being.”

 

“Bullshit, hyung. It didn’t ‘work’, you just fell into your ketchup.” Changkyun cuts and in Jooheon glares at the youngest. “Changkyun, please let me have my moment.” Jooheon sighs exaggeratingly and Changkyun snorts. “Jooheon, that color looks great on you.” Hoseok says, face serious although what was coming out from his mouth was the opposite. Jooheon looks flattered, and he bats his eyelashes. That’s something that Kihyun wants to unsee.

 

“Really? I look pretty?” Jooheon asks in a high voice, and he doesn’t stop batting his eyelashes. Changkyun grins. “Yes, hyung. You look pretty.” Hyungwon raises his eyebrow and sighs. “I look pretty? Then, do you want to kiss me?”

 

Changkyun’s eyes widen at the sudden question and Kihyun can see the sides of Hyungwon’s mouth curving up. Changkyun bites his lips awkwardly while Hoseok stifles a laugh, his fingers curling into balls by his sides. Changkyun’s eye travel around, as if looking for answers and Jooheon just looks at him expectantly. Oh, Changkyun. Jooheon’s definitely just playing around. It takes the younger about ten full seconds to register what the elder had just said before his serious expression fades into a goofy one. He waves his hand. “Later.”

 

Jooheon plays along immediately, asking if the younger wanted to ‘kiss him passionately’, and Hyungwon snickers loudly, earning a kick from Hoseok under the table. Changkyun waves him away again, “later”. “Ew, hyung.” Changkyun comments as the boy refuses a tissue from Hoseok and licks the ketchup off instead. His face immediately changes into one of regret. “That stuff is nasty. I prefer chilli sauce.”

 

 

 

The next time the two see Changkyun, it’s in the lounge after therapy. Hyungwon’s sitting on the couch, as usual, watching the drama. Hoseok doesn’t hesitate to bring up Changkyun’s dilemma since Hyungwon was as good as a rock whenever the drama was on. “So, have you thought about when you’re going to tell that blockhead Jooheon about your feelings?” Hoseok asks, and Changkyun shushes him quickly. “Nah, it’s fine. Hyungwon’s a rock. Plus, he probably already knows.” Kihyun reassures him and Changkyun sighs loudly.

 

“I’ll try to tell him… tonight? I don’t know, but I have to do it soon before I lose my shit.” Changkyun admits. “Yeah, you better do it.”

 

“Do what?” A voice rings from Kihyun’s right ear and there Jooheon stands, a perplexed look on his face. “How long have you been here?”

 

“Not long. Changkyun, you said you were going to kiss me, when are you going to do it?” Jooheon asks. It’s crazy how oblivious he’s being. Changkyun looks like he wants to slap the elder to wake him up. Can’t he see that every move he makes, every word he says, is killing Changkyun inside bit by bit? What a dumb boy.

 

_Kihyun’s had a terrible day. He failed a test in school and he doesn’t know how to tell his father. He’s lucky that his father’s working late, because he gets to avoid doing that. But what makes him go back on his words is when his father arrives back home drunk, and angry. Kihyun’s already fallen asleep by the time that happens, but his father never did anything considerate anyway._

_The man barges into his room and starts yelling immediately, waking Kihyun up. He frowns and squints when the light’s being flickered on and he could barely decipher what his father is trying to say. All he hears is “useless piece of trash” and something about how he’s not going to get anywhere in life, probably. His mother runs into the room to see where the commotion was coming from and frowns when she enters the room to his father shouting non-stop. “D-dad, what did I do? I didn’t do anything.” Kihyun asks the obviously drunk man, who was the opposite of sober. Maybe he could talk some sense into him._

_“Don’t call me dad! I’m not your fucking father. I refuse to fucking call you my son if you’re that useless. Can’t you just study harder? Why can’t you?” The man shouts and Kihyun’s ears hurt as he thinks of a reply. He’s just been woken up, and he doesn’t really have any idea what’s going on. “I-I’m trying, d-” He cuts himself off as he almost says the word ‘dad’. “Trying, huh? Then why don’t I see any results?”_

_“D- I mean, please. I’m trying. Give me time.” Kihyun speaks slowly. The man scoffs before his hands are pulling on the neck of Kihyun’s shirt. “I give you time, but you don’t give me results. You’ve had the rest of your life so far to try, but you didn’t do anything because you didn’t try. You’re lying. You know what liars get? They get punished.” The man laughs, and it’s a sick laugh. It’s a laugh that will forever be etched in the back of Kihyun’s mind, and it’s something that he wants to forget. But he’ll never forget it no matter how hard he tries to._

_Right now, Kihyun’s had enough of it. He wanted to just have a quiet night’s rest after going through a horrible day, but now his father’s back home and his plans are ruined. He didn’t have time to feel better about the day that had just passed, because here his father was, reminding him about all the things that he’s failed to do. It hurts, it hurts a lot. Kihyun hates it. He can’t take it anymore. “If you don’t believe me, why don’t you just throw me away? Why don’t you just let me move out of this damn place? I can’t call this place a home anymore because of you.”_

_He expects it when he’s being dragged across the room and thrown against the wall. Kihyun doesn’t even fight back anymore, there’s no point. His father always wins the battle, and he always had the last say. All Kihyun does is let the tears silently fall down his face while his father does everything that could possibly harm him as much as he could. All his mother does is watch from a corner, not saying a word. It’s not as if her mouth was sealed shut or something. Why wasn’t she saying a word? Kihyun still doesn’t understand, she has a mouth and a brain, why can’t she just speak?_

_His father’s right. Kihyun’s useless, and he knows that. His father tells him that he’s not going to get anywhere in life, but he already knows that. Jihyun thinks that he’s useless, that’s why he moved out alone without Kihyun. His mother thinks he’s useless, that’s why she doesn’t say a word or even bother to defend him when his father hit him. He’s that useless, and it hurts. Kihyun feels so empty, yet so full of emotions. It was almost as if he was a walking contradiction._

_He lets his father’s words consume him, he lets them take over. Although he knows that all the things his father says are untrue, he believes them. He’s useless, he can’t do anything, and he’s never going to be happy again. Not as if he were ever happy, in this damned household. It wasn’t normal to be almost immune to all these comments. Kihyun may seem as if he’s immune, but it’s only because he’s already thought the same way as his father since his father started abusing his children._

_There’s no point living anymore, because there’s no joy. There’s no thrill in anything, so it’s completely boring and sad. He doesn’t gain any happiness at home, because of his father. He’s the cause of everything. Kihyun doesn’t believe in just simply blaming others for his own mistakes. He’s at fault, and he won’t deny it._

_When was the last time he told his father that he loved him? It’s been years since they’ve had a proper conversation that didn’t end in tears or injuries. Kihyun remembers when he was five, and could hear the man screaming at a crying Jihyun. Kihyun doesn’t feel like his child. He feels like a punching bag. And he’s just about sick of it._

_The man leaves the room because Kihyun’s no longer reacting – he enjoyed watching the boy wince and double over in pain, and now that he isn’t doing anything, there’s no point in hitting him anymore. Kihyun’s a punching bag, an old, worn out punching bag that’s very close to breaking. Another move, and he’ll break._

_He waits, he waits for the lights outside to flicker off and that’s when he knows that he can do it. His father was asleep now, and Kihyun’s free to do whatever he wants. They live on the second floor, but that’s fine. That might work as well. It just depends on how he jumps._

_He sits on the windowsill, legs hanging out the window and swinging slowly. The night air was crisp and cold, something Kihyun never got to experience much of because his windows were always closed. He thinks, he thinks deeply about what everyone’s life would be without him. His father would be disappointed since there won’t be anybody to hit. There’s no regrets doing this, Kihyun thinks._

_The boy watches as cars go by the road, but they only look like moving lights. He swings his legs more – what’ll the fall be like? Would it hurt? He hopes so, because he deserves to be hurt._

_So he lets himself slip off the windowsill, little by little, knees off first, thighs off second, hips lifted up before he sends himself flying down the building._

Kihyun wakes with a jolt and there are tears in his eyes. Thank god Hoseok’s eyes flutter open at that moment, because Kihyun wouldn’t have woken him up if he was still asleep. Kihyun can’t breathe, and he feels stifled. His chest feels tight, and if he breathes in for too long he feels a sharp pain in it. “H-Hoseok, I think- no, I c-can’t think-”

 

“Don’t try to speak, breathe first.” The elder instructs, his voice steady and grounding, and Kihyun places all his trust on the boy. Hoseok holds the crying, sobbing mess that’s Kihyun against his chest and rubs his back soothingly. The feeling, despair, only seems to be getting stronger and stronger although Hoseok’s hands that are wrapped around him are only getting tighter and tighter. “You’re safe, okay? You’re with your boyfriend.”

 

The feelings start to fade when Kihyun realizes that there’s no actual danger. All the thoughts were his own thoughts, and not a reality. Sure, he did do whatever that he recalled, but it was already over, and he’s safe here with Hoseok. There’s no point in being scared. “So, um… do you want to tell me about it?”

 

He doesn’t want to tell. He doesn’t want Hoseok to treat him as if he’s a fragile little thing, because he’s broken but he’s not weak. He doesn’t want to tell, because then Hoseok would see him in a completely different light. He has to tell, because he was supposed to trust Hoseok with information about himself and vice-versa. Kihyun nods slowly, warning the boy. “It’s pretty heavy. I don’t know if I should tell…” Hoseok purses his lips. “You can tell me anything and I’ll take it, no matter how heavy it is.”

 

“I tried to kill myself earlier this year.” Kihyun says, and his tone is way too casual for information like that. “I… got a dream. It was that scene replaying. I…” Kihyun looks down, guilty. He didn’t know Hoseok when he did that, but he still feels as if he’s betrayed the boy. His head is bent forwards, because he doesn’t dare to look at Hoseok’s expression and the look in his eyes. He doesn’t want any of that at all. “I’m sorry.”

 

“What are you sorry for?” Hoseok lets out a single, breathy laugh. It’s not really a laugh, but it’s something between one and a sigh. Kihyun doesn’t like that noise. “You didn’t know me before that, what are you sorry for? It must’ve been really hard for you, having to deal with your demons all alone… I’m here now. I know it’s insane but I don’t want you to ever try anything funny again. I won’t let myself off if you do. I’m supposed to protect you, and if you do something bad it means that I’ve failed.”

 

Hoseok says it in a manner that makes Kihyun feel a little more guilty. It’s almost as if Hoseok was plotting the scene right out his head. “What happened after that?” Hoseok asks again in a hushed whisper. Kihyun can barely remember what happened after. “I jumped out the second floor, so I think I only broke my foot. My father was… he…”

 

Kihyun can now remember vividly. “My father didn’t want to bring me to a hospital. My brother did it. Said I should’ve died while I jumped. Said that I really couldn’t do anything.” Hoseok scoffs in disbelief. “What kind of father is he if he-”

 

Their heads turn to face the door, where a loud thud could be heard. Kihyun’s eyes widen at the sight when the door is flung open. There Changkyun stood, with hitched breaths and an expression of one in pain on his face. His face was nearly blue, and he looks like he’s suffocating. His entire body weight is resting on the door and he can barely grip on to it because he was shaking too much. “Changkyun?”

 

“H-hyung, I d-did something s-stupid…” Changkyun barely gets his words out before Hoseok and Kihyun jump out their beds to support the boy. “Changkyun, what did you do?” Hoseok shakes the younger’s limp arms and all the younger does his shake is head. His arms were cold and they felt like a dead person’s arms. It was terrifying. Kihyun doesn’t know what’s happening.

 

Changkyun collapses to the floor, heaving heavily. “I’m… I’m…” He doesn’t manage to finish his sentence because soon he’s passed out. “Changkyun? Im Changkyun! Wake up!” Hoseok shakes the boy’s shoulder and Changkyun doesn’t move anymore. “Fuck! Are there any nurses around?” Hoseok gets up and looks around the halls. “Hoseok…” Kihyun starts. “Stay here with him.”

 

“Hoseok…”

 

“I’ll go find a nurse or doctor, just stay here with him!” Hoseok interrupts again, glancing down the dark halls hurriedly. “Shin Hoseok!” Kihyun shouts out, clear and loud. Hoseok finally stops to look at Kihyun, who’s holding the boy’s head in his lap. “H-he’s not breathing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HMMMM?


	9. PART IX: STAY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We'll be fine, right?

The boy has always been cheery. The boy was always the one to make them laugh. Seeing him lifeless and limp is a sight that Kihyun would never ever expect to see. He didn’t show any signs of breaking, and he never ever did. He was just happy and full of life that day, so Kihyun never expected this. But now, he’s waiting outside the door and everything’s white. The walls are white and they’re blinding. Kihyun can’t believe what’s happening. Never ever.

 

Everyone’s silent, except for Jooheon who’s bawling his eyes out. He says that it’s his fault. Hoseok pins him to a wall, demanding for his explaination. “H-hoseok, I don’t think we should resort to violence.” Kihyun says, and the look in Jooheon’s eyes are pleading. “Fucking tell me what you did!” Hoseok ignores Kihyun. Can’t he see that Jooheon’s hurting as well? Hyungwon stands up. “Right now, all we should worry about is Changkyun’s condition. Let’s not care about the reasons why first. Let’s just hope that Changkyun’s fine. Let go of Jooheon.”

 

“Not until he fucking tells me. He says it’s his fault, and I’d like to know why.” Hoseok growls. Kihyun feels threatened even though it’s not to him. “Hoseok, this isn’t the way to-” Hyunwoo tries to stop him but Hoseok interrupts again. “If he can talk all the time, why is it a problem for him to just tell me what he did?”

 

Jooheon isn’t stable. Hoseok’s making him lose himself. Did Hoseok forget that Jooheon has a problem too? “I’ll tell you.” Jooheon manages to choke out while tears continue to cascade down his cheeks. “I’m scared, hyungs. I t-think I love Changkyun. I don’t know. I r-really didn’t want him to g-get hurt so I told him that I don’t know about my feelings. I don’t want to l-leave this place without him. I don’t think I can ever live without Changkyun. I don’t want him to hurt w-when we’re separated. F-fuck, it’s all my fault. I tried to make things better but they only got worse. I-I thought that by not falling in love now he could be happier in the future. I still, I… think about it everyday. I love Changkyun. I-I’m sorry, it should be me who’s in that bed and not Changkyun. I’m sorry, I should’ve k-killed myself instead of l-letting him-”

 

“Don’t speak anymore.” Kihyun interrupts the boy. Hoseok’s grip loosens and he lets Jooheon go, mouth agape and tears threatening to fall out his eyes. Hyunwoo has to hold Minhyuk so that the younger doesn’t collapse. Hyungwon’s head is in his hands. Jooheon always tries to put others before himself. He did this all so that Changkyun wouldn’t get hurt. “Oh shit, Jooheon, I’m sorry…” Hoseok says softly, and the younger does not show any signs of acknowledgement to this.

 

He thought so hard, he thought about Changkyun’s future and his as well. He didn’t have bad intentions. Kihyun wraps his hands around the shaking younger and pats his back softly. Jooheon sobs into his shoulder and Kihyun feels terrible for the boy. “It’s too late, I’m too late. I’m…I…”

 

“I-I love him.”

 

_I love him._

_Changkyun sits by the foot of Jooheon’s bed, a pail and towel in his hands. Jooheon groans in pain as he moves his head to look at the younger. “Hyung, don’t move. It’ll make your headache worse. Just sleep.” Changkyun puts the pail down on the floor, dumping the towel next to it. He pushes Jooheon’s shoulder down, pulling the blanket over him. “Hyung, do you want my blanket? I know that this blanket doesn’t do much.”_

_“W-what will you use when you sleep, then?” Jooheon croaks. Changkyun lets out a chuckle. “Hyung, it’s you that matters now. Your fever is the highest I’ve ever known of. I’ll be fine not having a blanket for one night.”_

_“Thanks, Changkyun. I love you.” Jooheon says casually and Changkyun pauses, letting go of the blanket. Jooheon raises an eyebrow and winces in pain. Even the slightest movement of his face hurts. Did he say something weird? “I-I’ll go refill the water in the pail.” Changkyun grabs the pail and makes his way out of the room. “Wait, Changkyun.”_

_Changkyun turns around. “Yes, hyung?”_

_“Screw the bucket. Come here.” Jooheon says sleepily. Changkyun frowns. “But it’s for your fever…”_

_“It’s fine. You can be my medicine.” Jooheon replies and Changkyun walks back towards the elder hesitantly. “How am I a medicine?”_

_“Stay with me,” Jooheon starts, “and I’ll get better. Come here.” Changkyun sits by the elder’s bed, flashing a small grin at him. “Hyung, you have to get well soon.”_

_“I will if you’re here.” Jooheon replies, returning the grin. Changkyun puts his hand on Jooheon’s, warmth literally radiating out of it. “Lie down with me? I’m lonely.” The elder pouts and Changkyun sighs in half-disbelief, half-joy. “But hyung, are you sure? Won’t it be stuffy for you?”_

_“No, it won’t. If it’s you, I don’t really care.” Jooheon says and the scoots to the left side of the bed. Changkyun climbs in slowly, next to the elder. How long has he dreamt of this? “Changkyun, do you ever think about what you want to do after we get out of this place?”_

_“Well…” the younger scratches his chin. “I’d want to do something related to music. Maybe be a songwriter? I don’t know, but I’ll figure it out when I get out.”_

_“A songwriter? Do you want to write songs together?” Jooheon asks and Changkyun nods, eager. “Sure, we can combine our experiences and be the best songwriters ever. What if we become rappers?”_

_“Rappers? That’s insane, Changkyun. But it sounds cool.”_

_“Sounds cool, right? Well, one can only dream.” Changkyun sighs softly. “When do you think it’ll be the right moment to find love, hyung?”_

_“I think any moment’s fine. As long as you’re sure about your feelings, and as long as the circumstances permit it. If there’s a place that you can run to…”_

_“I can’t wait to get out of here.” Changkyun laughs and Jooheon agrees. “I want to live my dreams with the people I love. Let’s get out of here together, at the same time.”_

_“Let’s never be apart, hyung.” Changkyun replies softly. “Yes.”_

_“Hyung?” Changkyun asks. Jooheon’s eyes are already closing by then. “Hmm?”_

_“Would you fall in love… in a place like this?” Changkyun asks. “Damn, he’s already asleep.” The younger turns over when there’s no reply from Jooheon. “Sleep tight, hyung.”_

_Changkyun, you don’t seem like the type but you’re so naïve. I’m not asleep. If you’re talking about us… I love you, but I don’t want to hurt you. This isn’t the place to fall in love in. These aren’t the right circumstances to fall in love in. We don’t want to end up getting separated, right? Let’s endure it until we get out. When we get out, we’re free to love. I’ll wait forever for that moment if it’s with out. We will never forget each other, because we will be together all the time until the end. I’ll be with you, and you be with me. We’ll never cry tears of sadness. We’ll remember every single moment we had together._

_We’ll be indestructible. If we’ve gone through so many things together, we’ll be so strong. No one can take us down. Remember, I love you. Let’s just wait until it’s the right moment. It’s not now, but it’ll come one day in our favor. Changkyun, just believe. If it’s for you, I’ll fight till the end. That’s what lovers do, right? I don’t want to put a label on us now. We don’t say it, but we know about these feelings._

_What happens whenever I see you? My heart races. It’s just like my first love, all over again. You make my heartbeat go so fast, and it’s such a fresh feeling. I can see your expressions too, whenever I’m around. We’re in love. I love you so much that I’m never ever going to let you get hurt. I’ll never forgive myself if you get hurt._

_Don’t ever forget my unstoppable love. Even if we’re apart. Loving is so painful when you can’t empty these feelings. I can’t throw them away because they’re forever etched to my brain. But with you, I can touch the sky. It’s like I’m flying whenever I’m with you. I never thought that I could fly. This is love, isn’t it?_

_I worry that you don’t love me, that you don’t adore me. Everything I do, everytime I do something, I want to make sure it makes you adore me more. I want to be adored by you, because I love you. And I will adore you._

_If a day comes where I’m separated from you, it’ll be as good as the end of my life. Because, my love, I’m not alive without you._

Jooheon’s face crumples up as the elder assures him that Changkyun’s going to be alright.

 

_If you know my longing heart, please come back to me. I’m begging you._

 

There’s a flash and then the sound of raindrops hitting the floor, Kihyun looks out and it’s raining. It’s raining, just like all of their tears. It’s raining, and it’s depressing. “Does he know how much I miss him right now?” Jooheon’s voice is muffled, his face still pressed up on Kihyun’s shoulder. Kihyun strokes the younger’s hair, “yes, he knows. He knows everything that you’re thinking of him right now.”

 

“I don’t think there’ll be a day where I don’t feel guilty…” Jooheon says and a tear falls out Kihyun’s eyes. “He tried to kill himself because of me. He’s always been the one that holds me down, grounds my emotions, and I repay him like… this. I’m a horrible person. I deserve to be punished, and not Changkyun. Why am I so stupid? Why do I always fuck every single thing up? I don’t want to live if this guilt is going to be on my shoulders forever. I don’t want to live… if it’s without Changkyun.”

 

“Don’t say that. Changkyun will pull through. No one said anything about him dying.” Hoseok says softly, and Minhyuk nods, tears running over his already tear-stained cheeks. “But you’ve already said that he stopped breathing when he ran to your room-”

 

“The boy’s condition is now stable.” The door opens and a nurse emerges from the room. A surgeon then walks out, lowering his mask. Kihyun lets go of the younger, allowing him to stand on his own two feet. “He’s alright now. He was in critical condition but we’ve managed to get him back.” Kihyun looks over to Jooheon who’s smiling through his tears. “I-is he awake?”

 

“I’m afraid not. Here’s the bad news, we don’t know when he’s ever going to wake. It could be hours, days, weeks, months or even years. In the worse case, never.” As soon as he says the word ‘never’ Jooheon’s smile is completely wiped off his face. He collapses, right in front of the man whose eyes widened. “Doctor, I’m begging you. P-please, please, please, Changkyun can’t be dead. Please save him. Please save him, I beg you. No, he c-can’t be d-dead. Please…”

 

“We…” The doctor starts, glancing down at the boy sobbing uncontrollably by his knees. “I’ll try my best. We’ll try our best, but it’s really up to how strong he is. Do you believe that he can wake up? If you do, don’t lose hope. Don’t ever lose your hope. Don’t give up on him just yet. In perhaps a day or two, we’ll move all the equipment and the boy to the rehabilitation center’s wards. Still, don’t give up yet.”

 

“He’s right…” Hyungwon says slowly, drawing out his hand for Jooheon to grab on to. “Changkyun’s a strong boy. We can’t give up on him just yet. He’s going to wake up.”

 

Hope, is one of the little things Jooheon has left to grasp on to. That’s how important Changkyun is to him. “Can I… go in?” Jooheon asks the man slowly and he nods. “Yes, you may. He needs you the most now.”

 

“They say people in comas can hear you, still. Speak to him. Tell him your feelings.” Hyunwoo nudges Jooheon’s shoulder and Jooheon shuts his eyes, taking a deep breath before pushing the doors open. Kihyun follows slowly behind, not anticipating the sight that he’s about to see. Seeing Changkyun, always happy Changkyun, in a hospital bed with tubes connected to his arm, would be the most heartbreaking thing for Kihyun to ever witness.

 

The sight is ugly. The sight is painful, and Jooheon feels the pain all over his body. As soon as he walks into the room, he breaks down. Kihyun can see why – Changkyun’s incredibly pale and lifeless, there were more than just one tube stuck into his arms, and the heartbeat monitor next to him is just beeping away. It was like a ticking time bomb. Although Kihyun knows that the younger would pull through, the sight of a heartbeat monitor just makes him anxious.

 

Jooheon uses his two arms to support himself, pulling himself up. He walks, with much difficulty, to the right side of Changkyun’s bed. “C-Changkyun. I miss you. S-stay, stay with me. Please wake up soon. I’m l-lost without you and your smile. I should’ve been true to myself. I should’ve told you my actual feelings. I’m… I was terrified. I didn’t want to end up breaking your heart. I thought, what’s a good way to prevent something from happening? If we didn’t get together, there won’t be any heartbreak. I thought that running away would be a good way to avoid problems.”

 

“I found out that it wasn’t a good way at all. Y-you’re the reason why I found out. God, I sound like a fucking idiot right now. I mean, what I did was incredibly stupid, and I know that. I just… can’t believe I only thought of the right way to handle things after… all this happened. When you wake up, I’m asking for a second chance. I want to start over, not as Jooheon and Changkyun, but as us. I’m sure now, and it’s clear to me. All the paths are clear. I love you. I love you too.”

 

Kihyun finds himself smile a little amidst all the pain when Jooheon says ‘when’ instead of ‘if’. He’s right – Changkyun will wake up. Changkyun is strong. Kihyun believes that Changkyun can do it, he knows that Changkyun can do it. Jooheon grasps onto the boy’s cold hand, and it’s clapsed between his own two hands. He rests his head on his hands. “If… if you can hear me, I really want you to be okay again. Please come back, please be the good old happy Changkyun that we all know. I just… I just want to see you being happy again. This is such a shitty way to confess, but I hope you’ll accept it.”

 

They stay a little longer, and with that, they leave Jooheon alone with the boy for the night. He needed time with Changkyun. They both needed time with each other. Jooheon’s tears don’t seem to be stopping any time soon, but Kihyun understands. It’s painful. Kihyun understands.

 

 

 

_“Changkyun, it’s not allowed here but let’s go to the rooftop to look at the stars.” Jooheon says, pulling on the younger’s hand. “H-hyung, what?” Changkyun laughs, separating his arm from Jooheon’s grip. “Let’s go see the stars! They’re really nice tonight.” Jooheon points out the window and Changkyun crouches over to take a peek at the stars in the sky that night. They really were beautiful._

_“Okay, let’s go, hyung.” Changkyun gives his hand to Jooheon to hold. Jooheon doesn’t seem to hesitate, bringing Changkyun up to the rooftop with their hands linked. Changkyun has a small smile plastered on his face – one of nothing but happiness and pure bliss. One that he’s wanted to smile forever. “Changkyun, look! There’s so many stars out tonight. Come on.” Jooheon says excitedly, pulling Changkyun to the center of the rooftop._

_“Lie down?” Jooheon instructs, but it’s more of a question. Even so, Changkyun nods in agreement and lies down next to the elder. He’s right – there were really many stars out that night. They were all like tiny lights, dimming and brightening every moment. They look like scattered moondust in the pitch black sky, and it gives the both of them some hope. Without the dark sky, the stars wouldn’t be visible._

_Changkyun thinks hard as the stars gleam and glitter by his very eyes – would this be the right moment to confess? Would Jooheon say yes? The twinkling stars in the sky are telling him to do it, but the unknown pitch black sky is telling him not to do it. Under the sparkling of the stars, under the beacon of hope, Changkyun will confess. He can’t do it this time, but he’ll find a day where the sky’s in his favor and so are Jooheon’s feelings._

_He glaces over to the elder, and his eyes are fixated onto the sky, he’s so engrossed that he’s not saying a word. Jooheon’s mouth is curled up at the side as a watches the stars, fascinated. Changkyun observes that his smile was just like a child’s. like a child getting candy from his mother. Changkyun finds himself staring, but at that moment, he didn’t really care. No star was as bright as Jooheon is._

_He stares, the words threatening to fall right out of his mouth. No, not this time. Although Changkyun can barely contain himself anymore, he’s going to force himself to wait for the right moment so that they’ll be perfect. Not now, Changkyun would be patient for Jooheon. Even though the curve of his mouth was making Changkyun lose it, every single bit of his sanity he had left. He’s crazy, he’s crazy for Jooheon._

_The next time the sky’s dark and the stars are pretty, like a huge hand had tossed glitter into the sky, Changkyun will confess. He will._

“Y’know what hurts?” Jooheon asks, his hand wrapped around Changkyun’s as Kihyun walks into the room with some water for the younger. Changkyun has been moved into the wards at the rehabilitation center, and Jooheon spends all his free time seeing the younger. Somedays, he even skips his meals to visit Changkyun. “What hurts? Drink the water, you look as pale as a ghost, Jooheon. Did you even drink water the past few weeks?” Kihyun replies, and eyebrow raised, holding up the bottle in front of the boy. Jooheon accepts it gladly and takes a few sips before he continues speaking. “Y’know what hurts?”

 

“We went out to see the stars a long time ago. That night, the sky was crazy. There were so many stars, and it was so beautiful. I realized that Changkyun was looking at me instead of the sky, which was a bummer, because I wanted to look back at him as well.” Jooheon chuckles and Kihyun gives him a small, reassuring smile. “The night that… this happened,” Jooheon points to the younger, “there were many stars out as well.  He brought me to the rooftop, the same place that we went to see the stars the first time. He then told me… that he liked me, but I didn’t want him to get hurt, so I didn’t tell him I liked him back. But dear god, I like him. I love him. I hope he can hear this right now. I mean, it feels like we were already together before any of this happened, but we were too afraid to say anything.”

 

“Jooheon, he’ll definitely hear this. Just be true to your feelings next time. Changkyun’ll be with you.” Kihyun taps the upper side younger’s wrist twice and Jooheon nods, letting out a soft sigh, but it wasn’t a sigh of defeat. “Thank you, hyung. You never fail to make me feel better whenever you’re around. If you didn’t come here… I don’t know what I’d do. Besides you, the only person that can comfort me the same way is Changkyun. If this happened without you around… I don’t know. I shouldn’t be glad that you’re here right? Because it means that you have a mental problem like the rest of us.”

 

“Well, if I didn’t come here, I would’ve died.” Kihyun says this in a joking tone but he’s serious. He’s completely serious – his dad would’ve killed him if he didn’t do it himself. Jooheon frowns for a moment, not understanding a word that the elder’s saying. Kihyun waves it off, chuckling softly. “Hoseok says that he’s sorry for acting rashly before Changkyun’s condition was revealed.”

 

Jooheon smiles. “Oh, tell hyung not to worry. I’m not mad or hurt, I would’ve done the same thing. I mean, I _am_ here because I’m bipolar. Plus, it’s Changkyun we’re talking about. If anyone were to hurt him… I would go berserk as well. It’s a normal reaction. Tell Hoseok-hyung that it’s alright, I’m alright.”

 

“Hoseok would be glad to hear that.” Kihyun gives a firm nod and Jooheon’s eyes turn into cresents as he smiles widely. “Hyung, why is it that you call him just ‘Hoseok’ and not ‘Hoseok-hyung’ like the rest of us? Isn’t he older than you?” Jooheon asks and Kihyun grins merrily. “He doesn’t mind me disrespecting him. It’s cute, because he’s usually so anal about respect.”

 

Jooheon nods. “Before you came, he made sure that everybody addressed him the right way. When we didn’t, he wouldn’t even respond.” Kihyun laughs – that was so childish, but so _Hoseok_. “That’s cute.”

 

“Hyung, you’re the only one that finds that cute! You’re so exclusive! But I really want me and Changkyun to end up like you, hyung, and Hoseok-hyung.” Jooheon sighs, face falling a little. “Hey, it will happen. We’re just like any other couple. I mean, we’re kind of like you and Changkyun, and not the other way round. You guys don’t even know if we’re officially together yet, and you guys haven’t seen us doing love-y things before. Well, except Changkyun.”

 

“Well, you have a point, hyung. But still, you guys support each other so much, and so strongly. It’s crazy, you two are amazing with each other. I think that’s the most important part in a relationship, not kissing and having sex.” Jooheon says and the boy makes sense, Kihyun agrees with him. “You’re right, Jooheon. That’s what’s partners are for, they’re not just for sex and pleasure.”

 

“When Changkyun wakes up, I’m going to tell him. I’m going to scream it out from the top of the buildings, at the top of my lungs. I want to tell the world that I love Im Changkyun.”

 

 

 

Kihyun strolls back to his room, exhausted, but not sad. He’s already convinced himself that Changkyun would make it out of the coma, everyone’s already convinced themselves. It’s not a matter of ‘if’, but ‘when’. When he enters the room, singing softly to himself, Hoseok is writing something on a piece of paper, and Minhyuk’s over at their room, drawing for some reason. Kihyun raises an eyebrow.

 

“What a voice.” Hoseok comments, eyes not leaving his paper. “What voice?” Kihyun asks, eyes wide. “Your voice. You need to sing to me one day. Maybe if you sing to Changkyun, he’ll wake up.” Kihyun flashes Hoseok a small smile. The last time he sang was so long ago, it was back home. His father didn’t allow him to sing when he was at home so Kihyun only ever sang when nobody was in the house. “Minhyuk, what are you doing?”

 

“I’m going to draw every single thing in this place for Hyunwoo hyung before he leaves, so that he doesn’t forget. So that he would remember every single thing, so that he’ll be sure that this wasn’t all… just a dream.” Kihyun unknowingly has a small pout on his face because that’s one of the saddest things that he’s ever heard in his life. “Minhyuk… he won’t forget. Hyunwoo’s one of the most loyal people I know.”

 

“Loyal people can change in seconds.” Minhyuk says simply, finishing a drawing of Hoseok sitting on his bed. “But it’s Hyunwoo-hyung…” Kihyun starts. Minhyuk sighs. “You’re right. I shouldn’t be doubting him, shouldn’t I? I guess it’s my illness speaking. I’m just a little… scared, I guess. Gosh, this _is_ a problem. I should tell my therapist. Why am I even doubting Hyunwoo? I’m being paranoid. What’s up with me?”

 

“You shouldn’t doubt him, yeah.” Hoseok says softly, putting his pen down. “These drawings, though… you should still give them to him, but as a memory instead of a reminder.” Minhyuk nods, pulling out a fresh piece of paper and makes some strokes before he looks up at Kihyun, tears in his eyes. “W-what’s happening to me? Why am I doubting Hyunwoo? He’s never doubted me before, and I shouldn’t be doubting him, right? I- I don’t know. I mean, he’s the reason why I’m even alive today, so I should love him, right? Loving means trusting, right? S-shit, I’m such a bad boyfriend, I’m-”

 

“Stop it, Minhyuk. Hyunwoo woldn’t want you talking like this.” Kihyun interrupts the boy mid-sentence. “But I don’t know-” Minhyuk starts again before Kihyun talks over him.

 

“You very well know that you have a disorder and this is only happening because of the disorder, and not you. Stop blaming yourself, and see the positive part about all this. If you get well, you can be with Hyunwoo in the outside world. So, you have to get well fast. For Hyunwoo, for all of us. We’ll all try to be well. For Hyunwoo. For ourselves. For everyone we love. For our enemies.”

 

“You’re right, Kihyun.”

 

_Minhyuk rips the pages off a calendar. It’s been weeks, and his mother’s yet to visit. He’s worried, he’s anxious, he’s every single negative feeling one could feel. He screams in frustration, because he’s locked up in this place and he isn’t able to help his mother if she’s going through anything bad. They don’t even let him have a phone, so he couldn’t call her up. He doesn’t feel bad for lashing out at a nurse for not allowing him to use the office phone, he has the right to care for his mother. His mother is the only person he has left._

_Minhyuk can’t believe that his mother had sent him into a rehabilitation center, where he was alone and lost. He thought that she would’ve had an idea about what his disorder was, and had found a better approach to solve the problem. This was not a good way to solve the problem. He flips the pages of the calendar to that month’s, frowning at the number of ‘X’s marked on the days. That’s the number of days his mother wasn’t there to visit him. She hasn’t visited since his admission._

_What if she’s gotten into an accident? What if she just decided that her son was a complete nutjob and dumped him in a center, to never ever come back to see? Minhyuk’s so alone, does she even know what she’s doing? Does she even… love him? No, Minhyuk shouldn’t think that way. Of course his mother loves him. Or did she?_

_Minhyuk screams once more, ripping out his hair while tears stream down his face. He hates this. He hates this place, he hates the fact that he has to stay alone and he hates that he doesn’t know anyone here. He doesn’t know what to do, he’s stuck. He’s so stuck, and he’s suffocating but something’s pulling him down and he can’t go up for air. It hurts, but no one’s there for him to express his pain to._

_He’s so scared. Everyday, he’s scared that the people he loves are in danger. He only has his mother left, since his dad had already gone. Ever since his dad passed on in an accident, Minhyuk didn’t allow anybody he loved to do anything dangerous. His dad was a huge pillar of support. Without him, Minhyuk only has his mother. Now that he’s here without his mother, he’s alone, so, so alone._

_He wants to go back to the time where he was still happy and cheery all the time instead of being fully consumed by fear. He misses the time where he could do things without thinking too much about the consequences. Mostly, Minhyuk misses company. He misses being around people. He doesn’t like to be isolated, but apparently he’s dangerous. Why’s he dangerous? All he did was have a breakdown. Well, in front of lots of people. But that shouldn’t be a problem, since everybody in the rehabilitation center has a problem too. Why’s that being blown out of proportion?_

_It’s insane how Minhyuk feels like he’s going crazy and losing himself when he’s supposed to feel better in this place. It’s not working, isn’t it? Should he leave? Perhaps, he could run?_

_“Run?” A voice comes from behind the door, before the door’s being clicked open. There stands a tall boy, his hair jet-black and with broad shoulders. The boy repeats himself once more. “Run?”_

_“W-who are you?” Minhyuk backs away, wary about the boy. He fliddles with his fingers anxiously as the boy walks slowly towards him. “Hi, I’m Hyunwoo. I guess you’re new? They said that you had to be isolated because of your breakdown, but I’m pretty sure you’re safe. I mean, that’s why I’m here. I don’t usually do things like this, nor do I usually talk to people other than the ones that I’m close to here, but you can’t run. I’m sorry, it’s just that… If you run… your problems will never be solved.”_

_Minhyuk narrows his eyes skeptically. The boy did make sense, but why should Minhyuk listen to him? What if he was just sent down to spy on Minhyuk?_

_“You should stay strong, for the people that you love. You shouldn’t give up hope yet. Maybe you should try doing something that you love. Maybe the passion would keep you alive.” Hyunwoo says. Who was this guy, and why did he care so much about Minhyuk? “W-why do you care so much about what I do? I’m no different from the o-others.” Minhyuk says, avoiding eye contact with the boy. He lets out a breathy laugh. “I don’t know either. You were different, I guess. I felt a different vibe from you.”_

_“What vibe?” Minhyuk asks, eyes hopeful. Perhaps he’s found himself a friend, finally. “I don’t know either,” Hyunwoo chuckles. “But, I want to get to know you better. What’s your name?”_

_“Uh… Kim Jihoon?” Minhyuk replies, thinking of a name as quickly as he could in his head. Trust him to come up with the most common surname and name. “Why do you sound like you’re asking me a question?” Hyunwoo raises an eyebrow and Minhyuk shrugs. “I don’t know. My name is… uh… Kim Jihoon…”_

_Hyunwoo laughs. His eyes crinkle. “Okay, Jihoon. I’ll see you around?”_

_Minhyuk nods._

_For some reason, Minhyuk had urges to see the boy again. He never showed up again, so Minhyuk really had to try his best to get better. He had to do it, so that he could see Hyunwoo again. He doesn’t know why he feels that way, but as soon as he’s allowed to go back out again, he searches the place high and low for the boy. He never finds him, but he makes friends with a boy with red hair who was admitted into the rehabilitation center because he’s bipolar. His name is Jooheon._

_Until one day, while Minhyuk is sitting with Jooheon during lunch, there’s a tap on his shoulder and he turns around, surprised. He’s shocked when he sees the boy, Hyunwoo, smiling brightly at him. “You got better. Kim Jihoon, isn’t it? I still remember.” Minhyuk almost covers his mouth – Jooheon’s listening into the conversation and he looks confused. “Wait, hyung, isn’t your name Lee Minhyuk-”_

_Hyunwoo looks at Jooheon, raising and eyebrow. “What?”_

_“I… uh… kind of lied?” Minhyuk smiles innocently, scratching his head while looking up at the tall boy. The elder doesn’t take it badly, instead, he laughs. Minhyuk didn’t think of the consequences when he had said that. Minhyuk lets out a giggle or two, before looking up at the boy again. His hair had grown since Minhyuk last saw him. “So, Minhyuk… right? And your friend?”_

_“Jooheon.” Minhyuk replies. “Joohyun?” Hyunwoo asks, sticking his right ear out to Minhyuk so that he could hear. “Joo-heon. Heon.” Minhyuk says and Jooheon laughs. “It’s a weird name, I know.”_

_“Hi, Jooheon. Uh, see you guys around? I’m always at that table, with my friend Hoseok.” Hyunwoo says, pointing at a table where a black haired boy sits. Minhyuk waves subconsciously at the boy sitting by the table, and he looks surprised, but he waves back anyway. “See you around, Hyunwoo.”_

 

 

 

“When did you start to talk like that?” Hoseok asks later that night, after Minhyuk leaves the room. “Talk like what?” Kihyun furrows his brows. He doesn’t spot a difference. “I don’t know. You got all deep and stuff. I don’t usually hear that from you.” Hoseok laughs and Kihyun’s frown doesn’t fade from his face. Kihyun knows that the elder’s just joking, so he plays along. “What, I was stupid before all of this happened?”

 

“Kind of.” Hoseok snickers and Kihyun hits him in the back lightly. “In all seriousness, I’m really impressed about how rational you are. The only other rational one amongst us is Hyunwoo, he’s so rational that he doesn’t even react! Kihyun… you’re amazing.”

 

“Hey, I know that.” Kihyun laughs, while Hoseok rolls his eyes. “I’m not too rational myself, honestly. I’ve done really stupid things, things I regret doing…” Kihyun admits and Hoseok looks away for a moment, thinking hard. “I personally think,” he says, as he holds Kihyun’s hand between his own two, “that you should care about yourself more. You need to love yourself like I love you.”

 

“I… okay. I’ll try.” Kihyun’s reply is barely audible. His arm’s being overturned by Hoseok, and he pulls the younger’s long sleeve up. “First, don’t do this anymore.” The elder glances at the scars that mangled Kihyun’s wrist and winces for a second. Kihyun himself looks down at what the elder’s looking at, looking away after he realizes. “Don’t ever do it again, okay? If you did it any deeper, you would’ve died.”

 

“But I didn’t… die.” Kihyun says and Hoseok purses his lips. “You could’ve. Please think the next time, if there is a next time. Don’t ever do something so stupid again, because I won’t forgive you.” Hoseok says and Kihyun nods. If Hoseok were to never forgive him for something, Kihyun would feel as lost as Jooheon. “Are you scared?” Hoseok then asks, in a hush whisper. “Scared about what?”

 

“Changkyun’s condition. How we’re going to do without Hyunwoo by our side.” Hoseok says. Kihyun may seem calm, but he’s petrified. He’s convincing himself that Changkyun will wake up, but a dark side of his brain tells him the opposite. He doesn’t know how they’re going to handle matters without Hyunwoo, who was like a balance. “Honestly, I’m scared. I’m really scared that we’ll all fall apart.”

 

“I agree,” Hoseok says, letting out a small sigh. “Hyunwoo and Changkyun wouldn’t want us thinking like that. We don’t know how terrible Minhyuk and Jooheon feel about their partners leaving, but we can’t just let them give up like this. We’re friends, and we promised to help each other at the very beginning. Now, whenever it’s a visiting day, I’ll be excited to see Hyunwoo in his new life. He says that he’ll visit, and I know that he’ll visit.”

 

“We might be afraid, but we can’t let fear get the best of us.” Hoseok ends and Kihyun agrees, squeezing Hoseok’s hand. “When everything’s better, I can’t wait to just have you to myself.” Hoseok says in a suggestive tone and Kihyun fake-gags. “Ew, gross. Can we go back to talking about what we were previously talking about?” Kihyun replies and Hoseok pouts. “I can’t. You’re still the only thing on my mind.”

 

“Bad friend,” Kihyun scoffs, placing a short peck on Hoseok’s lips. “Seriously? That’s all? I haven’t kissed you the _entire day_.” Hoseok replies and Kihyun shakes his head. “You do all the work. I’m tired.”

 

“So, you said yes.” Hoseok climbs over Kihyun, hands on both sides of Kihyun as Kihyun looks at the elder, cautious. “I’ll kiss the hell out of you.” Hoseok smiles, pressing his lips onto Kihyun’s. It’s not too fast, and it’s not too slow. It’s perfect, it’s sweet, and it’s all Kihyun wants in a kiss. Kihyun smiles into the kiss, which makes Hoseok’s lips curve up as well. This is what a real relationship is, like Jooheon had said.

 

We help each other get better, and we are each other’s main source of support. It doesn’t matter what it’s about, I’ll support you if you’re doing the right thing, Hoseok. Kihyun’s found love, he’s found love in a boy that looks tough on the outside but is actually soft on the inside, only allowing Kihyun to do certain things while others could not. He’s found love in a boy that’s not too stable emotionally, but can control Kihyun’s emotions.

 

He’s found love, and he found it in a rehabilitation center. A sad, lifeless, hopeful place. One spark, love, can just light this entire place up, and suddenly Kihyun doesn’t see anything bad about being here at all. He’s with Hoseok, so that’s all that matters to him.

 

He’s found his first love, in a boy called Shin Hoseok.


	10. PART X: QUIET

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe a soft tune will just do the trick.

A month passes since then. Hyunwoo has left, but Minhyuk’s as fine as ever. He doesn’t cry, neither does he mope. Minhyuk understands that he should trust Hyunwoo, even when they’re not together. Hyunwoo doesn’t blame him for his previous mistrust – after all, Hyunwoo knows why Minhyuk was admitted into the rehabilitation center in the first place. Hyunwoo’s departure isn’t teary, because Minhyuk wants to put on a strong front for the boy.

 

Minhyuk passes Hyunwoo the drawings, and Hyunwoo accepts them gladly, staring at them with his mouth gaping open for the first ten seconds. “It’s for you. It’s our memories.” Minhyuk says. Hyunwoo flips through the pictures – there’s one of Minhyuk in a room alone, his legs drawn up to his chest. There’s a picture of Minhyuk in the same room in the same pose, but a boy that vaguely looks like Hyunwoo is at the door this time. There’s a torn up calendar on Minhyuk’s bed. Hyunwoo smiles fondly, hands tracing over the lines of the drawing. “Remember… remember when you told me your name was Kim Jihoon? Jooheon was so confused when I went to talk to you.”

 

Minhyuk grins, but his eyes are tearing up. “D-don’t remind me of that, hyung. You’re going to make me cry…” Minhyuk says, face pressed up on Hyunwoo’s chest. Hyunwoo chuckles softly. “I never thought that I’d miss this place. I’ll miss all of you, I’ll miss Minhyuk sneaking over to my room at night, and I’ll miss Kihyun’s food. I’ll miss… everything. But don’t worry, we will meet again. We’ll meet again soon.” Hyunwoo says as he passes Minhyuk a slip of paper. “They don’t give us our phones here, but when you’re discharged, you have to call me.”

 

Minhyuk looks up at the elder tearily and nods. “I will call you. G-god, I forgot about phones. Right. Guess I’ve been locked up in here for way too long.”

 

“Don’t hold back. You can cry,” Hyunwoo says, patting the boy’s hair slowly. “When Changkyun wakes up, tell him that I’ve been discharged. Tell him that I’m doing well, and that I’ll visit every single visiting day.” Minhyuk closes his eyes and nods firmly. A teardrop falls from his eye as he does this. “I’ll m-miss you so much when you’re gone. You better visit.”

 

“Of course I will. Stay well, okay? You guys too.” Hyunwoo looks up from the boy resting on his chest. Kihyun gives a firm nod, one that would assure Hyunwoo that they would be alright. Hoseok mouths a soft yes, not audible, but Hyunwoo can see it anyways. “See you soon, hyung.” Jooheon replies, tears welling up in his eyes. “We’ll still see you often, right?” Hyungwon asks, and Hyunwoo replies with a nod. “I will visit every week, no matter what. No matter the circumstances, date or time. I’ll see you guys.”

 

“See you soon then, hyung.” Hyungwon says, and Hyunwoo replies with a smile. “I’ll see you soon too, Hyungwon. And, Hoseok? I’m leaving you in charge of everyone. I’ve been indirectly doing that, and since you’re the second oldest and you’re reliable, I’m leaving you in charge of that.”

 

“Hyunwoo… thank you. I’ll try my best.” Hoseok’s eyes are already red and it makes Kihyun want to cry. The entire scene makes him want to cry, especially how desperate Minhyuk looks. What hurts is that he’s telling Hyunwoo to go, but his eyes tell him to stay. Minhyuk doesn’t want to slow Hyunwoo down, so he’s mustering up all he’s got to let go of him for the time being. It’s only for now, Kihyun thinks. _Don’t give up yet, Minhyuk._

 

“Kihyun?” Hyunwoo says, and Kihyun looks at the elder. It feels like just yesterday Kihyun was intimidated by his big build. Now, he’s almost like a guardian to Kihyun. “Thank you for taking care of them. You should start taking care of yourself, you’re important too.” Kihyun feels appreciated, and the feeling makes him happy but sad all at the same time. It’s a mixture of feelings, and it’s messy.

 

He doesn’t know how to react. He doesn’t know if he should smile or cry. It’ll be insensitive to smile, but Hyunwoo wouldn’t want him crying about him, either. Kihyun decides that looking down would be best way to solve this. “Thank you, Hyung. I’ll think of your words and give myself a break sometimes.”

 

“Hyunwoo-hyung…” Minhyuk says, eyelids fluttering slowly as he glances back up at the elder, who looks down and wipes a tear off his cheek, a bitter but sweet smile on his face. “You won’t… forget, right? You’ll remember everything that happened in this place… right?”

 

Hyunwoo sighs lightly. The question was a little absurd. “Minhyuk, I’ll remember every single thing that’s happened in this place. I’ll remember everyone, and I’ll remember all the moments that I’ve had with you. I’ll be with you, even if you don’t see me. I’m always there. I’ll still see you every week, after all. You don’t need to worry at all.”

 

“Hyunwoo? It’s time to take your leave.” Hyunwoo’s therapist says softly, and he looks proud of the boy for making it out of the center. “Minhyuk, Jooheon, Kihyun, Hoseok, Hyungwon, and Changkyun. I’ll remember all your names forever. I’ll see you. I promise.” Hyunwoo says, as Minhyuk hesitantly unwraps his arms from Hyunwoo’s chest. “I don’t want to let go…”

 

“Don’t worry.” Hyunwoo says assuringly as Minhyuk stands on his own two feet, eyes red and bloodshot. “You don’t need to worry at all. Remember, I love you.”

 

“One… one last kiss?” Minhyuk asks, and Hyunwoo kisses the younger excrutiatingly slowly. Minhyuk smiles, for once. Their hands are linked, and if a stranger walked into this, they wouldn’t know if they were having their last or first kiss. They look like they’ve just met, like they’ve just done something that they’ve been longing to do. “This is our last kiss for now, but it won’t be our last kiss forever.”

 

Minhyuk’s arms are hesitant to let go of the elder, but he looks back down at them and lets go slowly. Sometimes, if you love something or someone, you need to let it or them go. Minhyuk only wants nothing but the best for Hyunwoo. He draws them back to his sides. “I love you.”

 

“I love you too, Minhyuk.”

 

And then, Hyunwoo’s walking out the door with his bag. Minhyuk takes in a huge breath. “I’m okay,” he repeats to himself. He’s okay.

 

_I knew the moment I met you that there would be a day we would have to part. You were just too well for this place. It was the most foolish, yet the cleverest thing that I’ve ever did in my life, falling in love with you. It’s foolish because I already knew that there would be a day where you would have to leave me, but I still let myself fall anyway. I let myself fall into a bottomless pit of my love for you. But it’s fine, because my heart’s not broken._

_It’s also the cleverest thing I’ve ever did, because falling in love brought me so much bliss. I felt a spark again, in my dull life. I was like a matchstick, with nothing to set me on fire but when you came I lit up instantly. Falling in love with you was the best thing I’ve ever done because you showed me that there was so much more to the world. You showed me that people like you still exist, and that there’s a reason to live for. I lived for you, until you taught me to live for myself. I live for both myself and you now._

_With you, I learnt that love comes with sacrifice. Yes, we won’t get to see each other as frequently as we did before, because you’re going. But with love, I learnt that true happiness is when the one you love is happy. You’re gone, but you’re gone because you did well. You deserve to be outside, back in the real world with normal people. So, I don’t care if we don’t get to see each other, because I trust you to be happy for yourself, which makes me happy as well._

_You’ll visit me anyway, right? I trust you, and I know you will. I can’t wait for visiting days now. I hope you have a great life outside, and I hope you can wait for me. You once told me that for me, you would be patient. That you would wait forever. I look forward to the time when I can finally leave this place feeling happy. I look forward to being with you in the real world, and I look forward to all the time I can spend with you. Because of you, I’m going to get better. I’m going to get better and leave this place, so that I can be with you. I want to be with you, forever and always._

_I’m thinking we run, we run so far away that our legs give out. We can escape reality and be with each other forever. I would like to have a future like that with you. We are both filled with doubt now, and we can run out of the dark cloud which is doubt and run into paradise. I just realized, paradise is anywhere with you. You are my paradise. Anywhere with you is perfect. That’s why I managed to survive in this place, because you’re here with me. You made a place like this paradise for me._

_True love is what we are. We understand each other and we feel for each other. So what if I can still smell the scent of our memories? So what if I keep hearing your voice? So what if I see you in everything I do? I’m fine, because I love you. It hurts, but I’m okay, because I love you. You are here with me, no matter what. You are always here. I’m not alone. I’m with you, so I’m happy. Love is hard, but we can make it easy for ourselves. It’s okay, that’s love. It’s okay, that’s us._

_Thank you. Thank you for teaching me what true love really is._

 

 

 

“I can’t sleep,” Hoseok whispers softly from his side of the bed. Kihyun turns over to face the elder, no expression whatsoever on his face. “I can’t really sleep either. I want to know how Minhyuk’s doing now.”

 

“Me too. I don’t know how I’d do the day the person I love leaves my side.” Hoseok says, placing a hand on Kihyun’s cheek, caressing it slowly. “That day will never come,” Kihyun laughs, gazing deeply into the elder’s eyes. It was true, Kihyun would never let himself leave without Hoseok. But even deeper down, he knows that the day would come. Kihyun wouldn’t know how to handle it but he has to show Hoseok that there’s nothing to worry about.

 

“I wonder how Jooheon’s doing as well. He’s been better recently, but Changkyun…” Kihyun sighs. “Hey, if you’re about to think that something bad’s going to happen, don’t think that. We all know how strong Changkyun is. He can make it. Oh, right. Jooheon found this.” Hoseok says, sitting up to grab a piece of paper that was thrown aside on the bedside table. “It’s lyrics that both Jooheon and Changkyun wrote together.”

 

_I was very lonely, actually_

_You know when you strangely feel empty?_

_I was in a lot of pain_

_When you can’t sleep for some reason, something like that_

_When I dream, I think of you_

_I try to erase you but it doesn’t work that well_

_I hope you know that my heart wants to keep seeing you_

“Wow,” Kihyun snorts. “And they still had to confess to each other? This is as good as a confession, honestly.” Hoseok laughs along quietly, passing the piece of paper to Kihyun and Kihyun raises an eyebrow. “Why’re you passing this to me?”

 

“I don’t really know,” Hoseok chuckles, nudging Kihyun to take the paper. Kihyun takes it and places it on the edge of his side of his bed, before turning back to Hoseok, his shoulders slumped. “I’m worried.” Hoseok says softly. “What are you worried about?”

 

“I’m worried that what we think is going to happen might not happen. I’m worried that bad things will happen and they’ll ruin all of us.” Hoseok sighs. “I’m worried that not all of us are going to end up happy. All I want is for everybody, including myself, to be happy.”

 

Sudden realization dawns on Kihyun – he’s always been telling Hoseok about his problems, and he’s never listened to Hoseok’s problems as well. This can’t be a healthy relationship. Hoseok needs the same amout of support that Kihyun receives from him. Kihyun meets the elder’s worried eyes, his own eyes comforting. “Hey, Hoseok, don’t worry. Everything that’s happening is for the better. Well, except for Changkyun… you know. But when he wakes up, Jooheon would be happy, and he’ll be happy as well. Everything happens for a reason. I don’t believe in fate, so I think what we should do right now is just try to get better, and we’ll be able to achieve our goal of being happy.”

 

Hoseok nods slowly, taking in every single word that Kihyun says. “I understand. I guess I just can’t help worrying. I don’t think I can sleep tonight, the thoughts are going crazy in my head.” Hoseok replies. An idea strikes Kihyun, and it’s something that Hoseok wants. “Lie down.”

 

“What?” Hoseok asks, the expression on his face unsure. “Lie down. I’ll sing for you.” Kihyun nudges the elder who finally obliges, a small smile on his face as he does so. “I can’t believe you’re doing this for me because I wanted to hear you sing. I mean, you don’t have to if you’re not comfortable-”

 

“Shut up, Hoseok.” Kihyun giggles. “I want to do this. After all, you need to know what I’m good at as well, right?”

 

“You’re good at so many things. You’re good at cooking, being cute, making me happy-”

 

Kihyun interrupts the boy, cutting him off with a song. It feels good, it feels refreshing to sing again. Hoseok turns towards him, listening attentively while Kihyun’s eyes meet his while he carries out the tune.

 

_I will take one more step towards you_

_I will only look at you like this_

_I won’t regret it if I come to lose everything_

_I only want to tell you I love you, that’s all_

_Why do you still not know me?_

Hoseok looks at Kihyun with his chin pressed on his hands, and he looks a little fascinated. “Are you sure you weren’t a singer before you came here?”

 

“I was supposed to sing you to sleep, but you’re so awake now.” Kihyun laughs, smacking the boy’s arm lightly. Hoseok grins brightly. “I mean, I liked to sing. But my father… he didn’t allow me to do it, so I could only sing when he’s not home.” Hoseok’s face falls when Kihyun mentions his father. The boy obviously didn’t like the man, and so did Kihyun.

 

As much as he wants to leave the man alone, he can’t let him go. Family, you know? He doesn’t want to leave the man alone even though he’s caused Kihyun some massive emotional damage. “That’s… never mind. There’s no point getting upset over the past, right? No point getting angry over things you can no longer change…” Hoseok sighs softly.

 

Kihyun’s hands guide the elder back down onto the bed, and Hoseok lets him, beaming happily as he does so. It’s cute, and Kihyun likes seeing Hoseok like that. He’s just like a child sometimes. “Yeah, no point. It’s okay, I’m still alive now and that’s all that matters.” Kihyun replies softly as Hoseok gazes into his eyes with a half-concerned, half-assured look. It’s a contradiction. “You’re alive, but what about all the scars that he- never mind. Let’s not talk about this now.”

 

“Let’s not.” Kihyun mumbles as he presses his lips against Hoseok’s, light as a feather and hey, that’s Kihyun making the first move, which was pretty rare. “Do the rest know about this?” Hoseok asks, and Kihyun shakes his head. “I want to tell them about it, but I’ll only do it when I know I’m ready.”

 

Hoseok rolls over, facing the younger fully. “I’m waiting for you to sing.” Hoseok states, grinning widely as he does so. “Can you hear my heartbeat? It’s racing in anticipation. I’d rather see you sing than go for a concert.” Hoseok comments and Kihyun almost snorts. Talk about over-exaggerating.

 

But hey, Kihyun used to sing every song he knew without thinking much about the lyrics, but now that he’s with Hoseok, he wants to think of a song that’ll impact him. Kihyun wants to impress him, yet deliver a message to him at the same time. The perfect way to do that’s in the lyrics. It’s always in the lyrics, you can always find something there. Kihyun wants to sing something soft so that the storm in Hoseok’s brain would calm down and allow him to sleep, something soothing. He’s never cared so much about minor details like these in his whole life.

 

_You’ve probably erased me now, you won’t be hung up on the past_

_But in my memories, it’s still only your face that whispered to me_

_Inside your memories, I’m just someone who’s not there, a face you’ve never seen_

_I can’t do this anymore_

_If only I could erase you, if only I could forget you…_

Kihyun is so absorbed in the song that he doesn’t notice he’s sung it all. He feels his eyes tearing up, because this was a song that meant a lot to him when he was still back at home. As much as it makes him feel nostalgic and proud of getting out of that place, it still carries bad memories with it. Everything carries memories, be it good or bad. Kihyun doesn’t know if he loves it or if he hates it.

 

He glances down at the elder, who had fallen sound asleep. It worked, Kihyun managed to make Hoseok’s mind calm enough to allow him to sleep. He smiles a small smile to himself. Hoseok looks adorable, with his hair falling over his eyes and his mouth slightly open. Love is something that you can only feel, but Kihyun can see it in Hoseok’s face. Everything about him, no matter good or bad, is something for Kihyun to love.

 

And although a deep, dark part of his brain reminds him of the things that could possibly happen if he were to completely fall in love with Hoseok, it’s already too late. He’s already fallen deep, and there’s no way he’s going to ever get out; there’s no exit. So Kihyun just pushes these feelings aside, because he’s going to make sure they’re getting out together. He doesn’t care if people say it isn’t possible, because it is. Love is unstoppable. They’ll be unstoppable.

 

Just a few months ago, all Kihyun did was go to school and mope alone in his house. He would never expect to be in a rehabilitation center, away from home, and in love with a boy. If he were to fall in love with a boy back home and his father finds out somehow, he’d be seriously doomed. Instead to rehabilitation, his father would send him to conversion therapy. Kihyun’s always known this about himself, but he didn’t see a point in telling his parents. It’s not like it’ll affect them even if they act like it does. It seems like they just don’t like him.

 

There’s no point worrying about them anymore, because as soon as Kihyun manages to finish his therapy in this place he’s going to go somewhere with Hoseok. He doesn’t want to live the way he did before anymore. Nobody would. He doesn’t even want to see his parents anymore. He just wants to slowly forget them, and ignore the fact that they are the reason for his existence. He doesn’t want to live with people that claim they love him but act otherwise.

 

He’d much rather live with someone who means what they say, and do whatever they say. Someone that gives Kihyun the support that he needs whenever it’s the right time, and someone Kihyun could return the love to. The good thing is, Kihyun’s already found the right person for this. The bad thing is, the future is still blurry and he doesn’t know how things will turn out after this, due to being so used to routine. It’ll feel weird to live freely again.

 

But that’s okay to Kihyun. He wants to live a happy, carefree life, where he’s able to do anything that he wants. He doesn’t want to live under someone else’s control. Kihyun wants to finally pursue his dreams, proving his father wrong. He’ll make it. He’ll make it with the support of people that he only started getting to know at the midpoint of his life rather than the ones that have been with him from the start. It feels like they were never with him at all.

 

He’s fine. Kihyun’s fine. He’s with Hoseok, so he’s fine. Because of the boy, he’s able to sleep without a nightmare about his father, which only happens occasionally now. Kihyun is recovering.

 

Kihyun lowers himself down slowly to fit right next to Hoseok, who is breathing calmly and slowly. Kihyun finds it calming, so he finds a rhythm with Hoseok’s breaths and drifts off to sleep slowly.

 

_It’s finally one of those days where Kihyun has the entire house to himself. His parents were out for work, and Jihyun had already moved out. It seems like he’s never going to come back, so Kihyun just doesn’t think about it anymore. He uses this time to do whatever he wants to, as if he has nothing to worry about. Well, he had nothing to worry about before he hears the front door opening. Maybe it was his mother. She usually ended her work the earliest._

_Kihyun walks out his room to greet her, but he’s taken aback when he sees that it’s his father. He should’ve just stayed in his room. The man takes off his shoes, and Kihyun considers running back into his room to get out of his sight but it’s too late because he’s looking up. “H-hi, dad.” Kihyun stutters and the man ignores it, like he usually did. He didn’t seem to even want Kihyun to call him ‘dad’. Kihyun doesn’t want to either._

_“Did you do your work?” The man asks loudly, eyes busy with the envelopes in his hand. “Yes, I did…”_

_“How much did you do?” The man asks again, and Kihyun doesn’t know how to reply. It’s the holidays, and he doesn’t want to spend them doing work everyday. He let himself take a break that day, and now this is happening. It seems like things just never go the way he wants them to. He could lie, but he didn’t have any proof if his father decides to be a dick and demands to see the work. “Five pages.”_

_“Show me.” The man says. Shit, this is exactly what Kihyun had feared, and it’s happening. Kihyun walks into his room and looks around hastily. He could use his old work, the ones that he had did before. He finds his math textbook chucked under his bed, and looks for five consecutive filled up pages. He finds it, and he prays to god that he hasn’t shown his father that work yet. He walks out the room slowly and passes it to his father who has a skeptical look on his face._

_Kihyun wouldn’t be surprised if he tries to find any faults with him. “I’ve seen this work before. Are you lying to me?” The man looks up angrily and Kihyun takes a step back. Why is it that he can remember things like that but he can’t remember the things that Kihyun liked, and even his childrens’ birthday? Why is it that he only cares about all of this? It’s so unfair, because other parents care about the well-being of their children too. “I…”_

_“Tell me! Are you fucking lying to me?” The man bellows and takes a step forward, whereas Kihyun stays frozen on his spot. Nothing’s more scary to him than people yelling. “You know what happens to people who lie.” The man takes his right hand and uses it to push Kihyun onto the nearest wall, gripping his throat. Kihyun’s throat is stuck. He can’t say a thing. “People who lie get their tongues cut off.”_

_Kihyun’s eyes widen as he shakes his head profusely. There was no way in hell that was going to happen, his father can’t possibly be so heartless to do that. “P-please d-don’t do that.” He chokes. “J-just hit me. D-don’t do that.” His father laughs a sick laugh, and Kihyun feels nauseous. The hand on his neck is making his vision blurry and his head feels as if it’s about to burst. “I won’t do that. That’s fucking disgusting.”_

_The man lets go of Kihyun’s throat and Kihyun falls to the ground, taking in deep breaths. His father throws the book at him. “Do the rest of this book by tomorrow. I don’t care if you don’t have time to sleep. You must finish it. Or else…” The man laughs evily. Kihyun looks up at him with hatred in his eyes. His father is disgusting, and he doesn’t deserve to enjoy his sick fun like this. Kihyun’s filled with rage, because this was totally unfair._

_“I’d rather stab someone than do that fucking work.” Kihyun spits, and though he’s probably going to regret it later he doesn’t care. His father raises an eyebrow. “You’d rather stab someone than listen to what I say? Fine.” The man walks away, and Kihyun doesn’t know what to expect but he knows that it’s not going to be good. He’s so doomed, the man never lets him off so easily._

_“You’d rather stab someone, huh?” The man comes back with a kitchen knife in his hands and he drops it right in front of Kihyun. “If you’d rather stab someone, go do it.” There’s a small, sick smile on his face. Kihyun picks up the knife and stands up. Anything to wipe that smile off his face. The man raises an eyebrow, pointing to the door. Kihyun doesn’t budge at all. He lifts up the knife, and slowly turns it._

_He’s turning, turning and turning until it points to where he wants to stab. Straight at his own heart. It definitely wiped the smile off his father’s face. “Is this what you want?” Kihyun asks, his volume low. The man looks at him with unease in his eyes. “If I kill myself right in front of you, if I drop off the face of the earth, would that make you happy? Will you finally… be contented?”_

_The man watches as he inches the knife closer to his chest. “W-what did I ever do wrong to make you hate me s-so much? If I do this, will it relieve your pain? Or will you be upset because you no longer have a punching bag of a son?” Kihyun cries. “Kihyun…” His father starts. It’s been years since he’s heard his own name come out of that mouth. He isn’t used to it at all. “Don’t do this. This isn’t the right way…”_

_“Then what is the right way? I try so hard to do everything the best I can and you still hate me. Why do you hate me so much? Did I offend you? Why can’t I make you happy? Why is every single thing I do wrong? Why can’t you just tell me why you hate me so much? I try to fix it all the time, but it never works. You still hate me. I just… I just want to know why you h-hate me so much, dad. I-I’m your son. P-parents aren’t supposed to treat their children that way.” Kihyun’s voice cracks as he tries to get his message across as loudly and clearly as possible._

_Kihyun is a crying mess, and his hands can barely grab on to the knife. They shake, they shake so vigorously that the knife isn’t even pointing to his heart anymore. His limbs feel weak, and he feels as if his legs are about to give out. The man opposite him just watches, wary of the knife in his hands._

_Kihyun doesn’t know what happens next because he drops the knife and collapses on the ground right in front of his father._

Kihyun wakes up with a jolt and sits right up. He notices that there are tears in his eyes and dried tears staining his face. He looks over, and thank god that Hoseok’s there.

 

What happened after he collapsed? Well, Kihyun woke up in the exact same place he had collapsed at, and everything was untouched except for the knife that was lying before him. There’s no hope – his dad really just didn’t care about him anymore. Kihyun takes a huge sigh. It’s okay, he has other people.

 

 

 

“…You have to be there.” Nurse Kang Jinhee, someone that Kihyun never expected to see again, says. They’ve just finished their therapy, but the room is short of three people. Hyunwoo, Changkyun and Minhyuk. Minhyuk says that he’s coming down with a sickness so he doesn’t want to spread it. Jooheon raises an eyebrow. “Where exactly do we have to be? I don’t get it.”

 

“Sorry, I must’ve only mumbled it to myself while I was rushing here. This isn’t the right time for a casual talk, we need your help to get Minhyuk out of his room. He’s been refusing treatment and-”

 

“Refusing treatment?” Hoseok interrupts and Nurse Kang nods gravely. “He’s not budging at all. The only other time this has happened was when he was just admitted. But that was fine, because we understand the trauma he had to go through. But now…”

 

“It’s because Hyunwoo left.” Hyungwon says quiety, and he sounds timid although Kihyun knows he’s not. Nurse Kang’s eyes widen. “Hyunwoo’s out? That’s good to hear. But it’s… not good for Minhyuk, isn’t it?”

 

“Yeah, it’s been a day.” Kihyun replies. “I see... we still need your help, though. He’s not eating either. It’s worrying.”

 

Indeed, it’s worrying. Although Kihyun thought that Minhyuk would be fine after Hyunwoo leaves, part of him doubted that. Minhyuk wasn’t too strong emotionally, like Hyunwoo. He’ll definitely be affected even though he doesn’t say anything about it. Well, he doesn’t want Hyunwoo to worry either. As much as he doesn’t want to worry, his brain just automatically does that and it’s not his fault.

 

Kihyun and the rest of them rush to Minhyuk’s room, which he had locked. “Minhyuk? Open up.” Hoseok knocks the door twice and says. There’s no reply, so Hoseok asks Kihyun to try. “Minhyuk? I know I don’t know what you’re going though,” Kihyun says, and there’s eye contact between him and Hoseok for a second. “I don’t know what you’re going through, but I know it hurts. So, please – just let us help you.”

 

“How can you guys help? Bring Hyunwoo-hyung back?” A defeated sigh comes from the other side of the door. He sounds like he’s been crying for hours. “We can’t do that, of course. Bringing him back would mean him having to do something that’ll get him admitted here. I don’t know why you would think that, it’s selfish of you.” Hyungwon says, and right after this the door clicks open. “It’s selfish, right? Am I a bad boyfriend? Would Hyunwoo-hyung just find someone new when-”

 

“Minhyuk, shut up. Hyunwoo loves you, and he’s never going to betray you like that.” Hoseok interrupts, because the other boy was going overboard with his words. “Don’t doubt him.” Kihyun adds. Hyunwoo is nothing but trustworthy. “It’s just, I just feel like I’m going crazy.” Minhyuk clutches his head as if he has a headache. Jooheon slowly closes the door behind them. “Why is that so?”

 

“I don’t know. I just feel so… guilty. I feel guilty about so many things. Instead of being happy for Hyunwoo-hyung, I wanted him to stay. I can’t believe I was thinking like that. I honestly… I don’t know…” Minhyuk starts, and no doubt there were tears threatening to fall out of his eyes. “Minhyuk, hey. Listen. Hyunwoo understands why you don’t want him to leave. He’s a big part of your life, and he’s helped you loads. Why would you want someone like that to leave? Of course it’s normal for somebody to not want to part with someone they love. Hyunwoo understands, so there’s no need to feel guilty.” Hoseok says, grabbing the boy’s wrists.

 

“Hoseok’s right. The most important thing for you to do now is to get better. Don’t you want to see Hyunwoo-hyung outside of this place? Come on, Minhyuk. You have to show him that his love has helped you. You have to get yourself together at least by the next visiting day.” Kihyun adds and Hyungwon nods in agreement. “It would make Hyunwoo-hyung really happy to see you doing so well.” Hyungwon adds.

 

“I-I guess. I’m just… I know that I should do that for him. I-it’s just that, I’ve been recalling about things that happened in the p-past and I don’t want to.” Minhyuk says, and grabbing his hands nervously. Sometimes, Kihyun thinks, it’s better to say what’s on your mind. Kihyun doesn’t really do that often, but he wants to help Minhyuk. “Is it something that you’re comfortable to share with us?”

 

“It’s just… many occasions. There’s r-random things I feel guilty about. There was once I was d-downstairs my apartment block, a-and there was this girl at the lift lobby who was c-crying. I d-didn’t know what to do so I went to the other lift lobby and took the lift up to my apartment. It’s bad things like that I did in the past which makes me feel s-so guilty. I feel like such a bad person, but I’m not. I k-know you guys probably think I’m horrible for that, but I’m r-really n-not…”

 

It’s things like that which affect Kihyun too. It’s the little things. He doesn’t fully understand what Minhyuk is trying to say, but he gets the gist of it. “Hey… you don’t have to worry about things like that. People heal over time. That girl’s probably fine now. Don’t feel guilty.” Hoseok says, with a reassuring tone. “But what if… what if she really needed help and I just walked away like that?”

 

“Well, then the most you can do is try to learn from your mistakes. If you felt guilty about that, don’t do anyhing similar to it again.” Hoseok replies quickly. That makes sense. “T-thank you, hyung. Do I sound pathetic now? I’m sorry.” Minhyuk laughs bitterly. It’s not a laugh because he’s happy, it’s a laugh because Minhyuk himself thinks that he’s a joke. It’s a painful laugh. “You don’t. we all have our low points in our lives, hyung.” Jooheon suddenly says, a little out of the blue. The boy was silent the whole time.

 

“These low points hurt, but we have to try our best to get out of them. It sounds impossible, but it isn’t. You feel guilty? It’s normal to feel guilty. Just learn from your mistakes so that you don’t ever have to feel that way ever again. Hyung, you aren’t like this. You have to get out of this low point, for Hyunwoo-hyung and yourself. I… I learnt how to control my emotions like this because of Changkyun. I’ve learnt from my mistakes and hyung, you should too.” Jooheon adds – the boy really has matured since the incident with Changkyun.

 

“Jooheon, I-I will try my best.” Minhyuk replies – this makes Jooheon crack a small smile. “And we’ll all help you, hyung.”

 

Minhyuk nods. They all nod.

 

We’re all going to be okay.

 

 

 

Kihyun sits by the unconscious boy’s bed, grabbing on to his cold hands. He has to be okay. It’s been close to three months since the incident and everyone’s growing impatient. As much as they want to stay optimistic, they can’t. Kihyun sits there, alone. He seldom has sessions alone with Changkyun like this – it was usually Jooheon and sometimes Hyungwon. Hyungwon doesn’t talk to the boy, though. He just sits there silently and looks at him with some sort of pity in his eyes. It’s not like Hyungwon to express himself by just purely talking.

 

“Changkyun-ah.” He tries his best to sound cheery. The truth is, he doesn’t know how he feels right now. “You have to wake up soon. It’s not very great right now, and if you were to wake up we would all feel much better. Wake up soon, okay? Your Jooheon-hyung’s waiting for you.” Kihyun plays with his cold, stiff fingers. “I miss you… Honestly, hyung hasn’t really had much alone time with you but I miss your presence.”

 

Kihyun puts the boy’s hand down gently and sighs to himself. Does this even work? He wants Changkyun to wake up, but he doesn’t know if he just looks like an idiot. If it’ll help Changkyun, he wouldn’t care. But he doesn’t even know if it helps, because they just seem to not be making any progress. He’s not giving up on Changkyun, but maybe they should just start to pay less attention to him. That sounds disgusting, the more and more Kihyun recites it. Changkyun’s their friend, and a good one at least. He shouldn’t be thinking like that.

 

He feels bad that he even has thoughts like that, Changkyun doesn’t deserve this. He’s sorry. “I’m sorry,” Kihyun says softly to the unconscious boy, barely a whisper. How could he help the boy? He looks around the room mindlessly, hands in his pocket. Kihyun’s eyes flicker to the younger lying down on the hospital bed. When Changkyun wakes, he doesn’t ever want to see him in that state again. Kihyun leans back into his chair, and his hands dig further into his pocket.

 

He feels a sheet of folded paper against his thumb and pulls it out, unfolding it slowly. The piece of paper had the lyrics that Changkyun and Jooheon had written together, and Kihyun smiles a little re-reading it. This just makes him want the younger to wake more, Jooheon’s dying of anticipation.

 

Thoughtlessly, Kihyun hums a soft, tiny tune to himself and fits the lyrics right into it. He sings it once more, loud enough for Changkyun to probably hear. After he’s done, he sees something that he hasn’t seen in what felt like years, Changkyun’s left index finger moves. No, Kihyun’s imagining things. This usually happens when he really wants something to happen but it doesn’t work out. His mind starts making up an imaginary happy ending.

 

He looks away from the boy’s hand and fixates his eyes on the piece of paper, he doesn’t want to give himself too much hope. Too much hope would just hurt you, like his mind did to himself. He hears the bed creaking, and no, this is just part of his sick imagination. Nothing of that sort is happening. He’s not going to look down from the paper because it’s just going to give him more and more false hope.

 

“H-hyung?” A voice croaks. It’s Changkyun’s voice.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO! double update for this + group chat because i'm going on vacation for two weeks and i don't really like writing on my phone (but i'm gonna be real i'll probably do it still, look out for a one-shot or something like that because i can't stand writing chaptered fics on my phone for some reason which is so :(( because i really really like writing this fic and i wanna write but i can't bring my computer :/
> 
> aAAAaanyways back to the story!! guess what!!! changkyun mboi's awake!!!! im so happy (honestly i considered killing him off but like. no my heart cANT do it + what would jooheon do OUCh it was already hard letting hyunwoo go) I hope you guys enjoy this!! (did you know the flashback part in this chapter made me cry while i was writing it?? ACtually to be honest i cry a lot while writing this fic because i am emotional and Soft i think i cry during most of the flashbacks?? and the chapter before this where jooheon was flashback-ing about changkyun ouch)
> 
> ok i'm done talking hit me up with any comments/questions etc. because i absolutely love talking to you guys if u read my fic u r all my children :^))


	11. PART XI: AWAKE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s someone out there that wants to see you, and I’m not sure if it’ll be good to let that happen.

“Holy fuck,” Kihyun whispers slowly to himself. It’s a little amusing at that moment, because Changkyun blinks confusedly while Kihyun rubs his temples. This is, in fact, way too good to be true. “Is this… am I dreaming?” Kihyun asks, and Changkyun blinks again. “What, hyung? Are you okay?” Changkyun replies, his voice hoarse. It made sense, since it wasn’t used for months. “This is too good. C-changkyun, just wait. I’ll get a nurse.” Kihyun pushes his chair back quickly, while Changkyun shakes his head. “Hyung, can I just have some quiet time before all the attention’s thrown on to me?” The younger sighs. Kihyun sits back down, slowly this time.

 

“What’s wrong?” Kihyun asks. It’s not as if he didn’t know what _was_ wrong, but he just needed to clarify. “I know what I did. I can remember when I barged into your room, hyung. I’m sorry. I must’ve caused so much pain and trouble. I’m so, so stupid. I didn’t think. If I had thought, I would’ve stopped myself. Doing this probably added three more years to my stay here, I’m so, so fucking stupid and-”

 

“It’s over.” Kihyun interrupts adruptly, and Changkyun gives him a small frown. “It’s been done, there’s no use getting upset over things that you can’t change. It’s the past now. Just… don’t do it again. It really was a dumb thing to do, but there’s really no use thinking about it now.” Kihyun says, and Changkyun doesn’t really look like he agrees with what he’s saying. “But still, hyung, I have to-”

 

“No more buts, or I’ll call a nurse in. No, I’ll call Minhyuk in. That mouth is bigger than my foot.” Kihyun cuts in, and this finally allows Changkyun’s expression to loosen up. “Hey, that’s mean, hyung. But I agree.” He chuckles, his voice still extremely hoarse. It’s going to takea while for it to return back to normal, Kihyun thinks. “Anything you want to tell me about before the nurse gets called in? I’m a little afraid that something might happen to you because I didn’t report to the nurses immediately after you woke up.”

 

Changkyun grins. “Don’t worry, hyung. Nothing’s going to happen. They’ve purged the poison out of my system anyways, I’ll be fine.” Kihyun eyes the younger. “Hey, you never know. We should always play safe if we have the option to.” Changkyun rolls his eyes in a joking manner. “Wow, you’re already okay? You just woke up from a fucking coma…” Kihyun frowns. “Enough bickering. I _was_ being serious when I asked you if you had anything to tell me.”

 

“I think I heard you. Right before I woke up. And I hear Jooheon-hyung every single day. Did he… come visit me everyday, or was it just me dreaming?” Changkyun rubs his eyes, and the look in his eyes very well resembled a lost puppy. “He did. Multiple times per day, to be exact. You’re one lucky guy.” Kihyun comments. Changkyun scoffs in a self-deprecating manner which makes Kihyun’s heart beat a little faster. He shouldn’t be feeling anything negative, right?

 

“So he doesn’t hate me?” Changkyun finally says, avoiding Kihyun’s gaze. “Changkyun… Didn’t you hear him? He doesn’t hate you. He blamed himself for all of this happening.” Kihyun reassures the younger who looks like a kid getting scolded by his parents at that moment. “I can, I mean, I could hear him. It’s… I’m… I don’t believe it. I was dreaming, right? How long was I asleep?”

 

“And you said that you were fine,” Kihyun snickers lightly. “I don’t think you’re fine at all. You were asleep for three months, Changkyun. It’s tough information to take in. Furthermore, Hyunwoo-hyung isn’t here anymore. He’s out in the real world. That’s a lot of information, isn’t it? Minhyuk had several mental breakdowns and Jooheon’s dying waiting for you. It’s a lot to take in, I apologize in advance if it’s too heavy for you. It has to be revealed soon anyway, else you might actually have a heart attack when you find out about everything that’s happening.”

 

Changkyun looks like he’s about to burst into tears at any moment, and he very delicately opens his mouth, ready to speak after taking in everything that Kihyun gives him. “You don’t have to talk. I understand. I also missed out the part about how you waking up is going to make things a whole lot better. Five would become six now. Jooheon will feel less guilty, and you, Changkyun, you’ll… you’ll be fine. I don’t think you would want to try doing what you did again, right?” Kihyun says.

 

“Hyung, it’s really difficult. I don’t know how I’m going to face Jooheon-hyung… How would people think of me now? Would they find me stupid because I tried to kill myself because of love? I don’t… I don’t know, and I don’t want to know. I’m not ready to know.” Changkyun replies weakly, and it’s the type of weak that makes Kihyun feel utterly powerless. He can’t do anything to help the boy, he’s not Jooheon. Nor is he one that’s very good at making the mood, like Minhyuk.

 

“Hey, Changkyun, you don’t… I mean, you shouldn’t care so much about irrelevant things like that. Think of better things, like how Jooheon’s going to be so happy when he finds out that you’re finally awake. Or think of Hyunwoo-hyung leading a good life, doing normal things and being happy. The people around you will help you feel better.” Kihyun sighs. “I’m sorry that I’m not the best at comforting people.”

 

“Hyung, that’s fine. There’s absolutely no need to feel bad for me. Honestly, I don’t… I don’t even know if Jooheon-hyung would be happy to see me awake. I mean, I did do something really stupid and probably made him hate himself. Shouldn’t he be angry? I don’t get why he would be happy.” Changkyun closes his eyes, as if he’s thinking hard about something. “He isn’t angry.” Kihyun says simply, and Changkyun’s eyes open slowly, meeting his. “He loves you, Changkyun.”

 

“You’re pretty stupid to not realize that.” Kihyun pats the boy’s back, as the younger’s eyes roam around the room, meeting everything but Kihyun’s. He doesn’t dare to look at Kihyun, he’s ashamed. But, Kihyun doesn’t find him one bit pathetic or useless. He understands the boy. “Don’t take any offence from what I just said – I’m talking about your actions, and not you. I don’t think you should react that rashly to things. Just because Jooheon said that he didn’t like you, which he definitely does, you swallowed a whole damn bottle of pills. You could’ve died!”

 

“That kind of… was the point of that, hyung. You know, trying to kill myself?” Changkyun says sheepishly – a grin slowly appearing on his face. He finds it funny when Kihyun gives lectures, but he laughs the most when Hyungwon gives scoldings. “Look, Changkyun. I’m being serious, though. You acted too rashly. You should’ve waited it out, sometimes Jooheon doesn’t mean the things he says, and you very well know that. You know he likes you, it’s so… it’s right there. You guys wrote this together?” Kihyun unfolds the piece of paper that Changkyun looks familiar with and the younger nods.

 

“So was this part of your confession? You were thinking about him while writing this, right?” Changkyun nods again, heavy. “Why don’t you read the part Jooheon wrote as well? I’m pretty sure he’s writing about you too. Changkyun, you’re such… an idiot. Come on, stop feeling worthless. Jooheon loves you and he’ll be glad to see you awake. I’ll call a nurse in now, okay?” Kihyun passes the paper to Changkyun, patting him once on the backside of his hand while he stands up from his chair. “Okay, hyung. God, you’re such a mom.”

 

 

 

The nurse enters the room, pleasantly surprised to see the once unconscious boy sitting upright in his bed and looking as alright as ever. She congratulates the boy, who glances down awkwardly. Changkyun still doesn’t know how to react to moments like this – he doesn’t know if he should thank the nurse. The boy isn’t good at social interaction like Minhyuk and Jooheon are. “Okay, I’ll conduct some tests to ensure that you’re fully healed, you know the procedure. There’s this boy, Jooheon, I think. He visits you every day and I think he’ll be really glad that you’re awake.”

 

As soon as Jooheon’s name is mentioned, Kihyun grins and the younger looks over at him. Though his face doesn’t say it, his eyes are overjoyed. Hey, it’s not Kihyun’s fault that Changkyun didn’t believe him when he first said that Jooheon visited every day. “To be exact, he visits you every afternoon and evening. He has therapy in the mornings, and it seems like he only spends all his free time here.” The nurse says, and Changkyun looks over to Kihyun who nods firmly to confirm this information. “Now would you believe me?” Kihyun asks, and Changkyun nods.

 

“Speaking of the afternoon, shouldn’t the boy be here by now?” The nurse starts, and almost immediately, Jooheon walks into the room with sweat on his forehead and a worried expression on his face. “Nurse Kim, thank god you’re here. Did they move Changkyun? He’s not in his-” Jooheon’s eyes travel to the body next to the nurse and they widen. “-bed.” He runs, in that small amount of space, towards Changkyun, his expression unreadable. “Changkyun, you’re… you’re awake?”

 

“Right here, hyung.” Changkyun chuckles, and Jooheon’s eyes tear up as he struggles to speak. “I guess I’ll give you guys some time together…” the nurse grabs her equipment and exits the room, closing the door gently. Jooheon looks at Changkyun as if he isn’t real, as if he isn’t a human being. “Changkyun, fuck, I’m sorry. But fuck, you’re so stupid. Why did you do that? You know that even if I say something like that, it shouldn’t be affecting you so hard. I never mean the things that I say. Don’t take me seriously.”

 

“I take you seriously, hyung.” Changkyun frowns. “Of course I take you seriously. You can’t just go about life thinking of every single thing as a joke, that’s not how you live life. And yes, I do admit that what I did was just in the heat of that moment, do you even know how much you mean to me, hyung? Your simple rejection can trigger so many feelings of mine to come back, feelings that I never thought would resurface again. Day by day, I think about how I can tell you that I like you, no, love you. Please, hyung. Can you start treating yourself like a human being? Your feelings are not a joke.”

 

“I caused this mess, how am I supposed to treat myself with basic respect? If only I thought, if only I thought of the things that would happen if I say a simple word, ‘no’. I lied. I lied to myself, and I lied to you. Remember when we talked about falling in love in this place? I lied. I’m fucking in love with you, Im Changkyun. I didn’t want you to get hurt, and let alone get hurt because of me. Fuck, I love you so much that I lied about my feelings, not wanting you to suffer through pain if anything were to happen and we were to be separated. This was for you, but I didn’t even think it through. My way to protect you just put you through even more pain, how am I supposed to forgive myself?”

 

“You forgiving yourself is not valid, hyung. I forgive you. I hear you everyday, and I know you only meant well. It’s about me, and if I forgive you, it means that you’re forgiven, once and for all. I don’t care about what you think about yourself, because you’re innocent. It’s not like you wanted me to kill myself or anything, so why should you feel guilty? Hey, hyung, I’m alive, and we can start over.”

 

_“Will you promise me?” Jooheon asks, out of the blue. “What?” Changkyun asks, the back of his head on his hands. “Those.” Jooheon points to his forearms. “Can you promise me to never try anything funny that involves you possibly losing your life?” Changkyun glances down to the scars on his arms. It’s been a long time since they were fresh, and he was elated about that._

_“So, hyung, you mean, you’re asking me to never try to kill myself again?” Changkyun raises an eyebrow. The older boy frowns. “Changkyun, you don’t always have to be so direct. But yes, it’s something along the lines of that.”_

_‘Well then, with you, I mean, with all our friends here, I won’t ever intend to do something like that again.”_

“Changkyun, you lied. But I don’t care, because I love you, and it’s already happened. Can… can I kiss you?” Jooheon asks awkwardly, and Changkyun totally wants it. His eyes roam around the room before he sees Kihyun sitting on the chair, expression somewhere between shocked and touched. Kihyun smirks a little, slyly, after the younger boy makes eye contact with him. “Yes, but uh… Kihyun-hyung’s in here.”

 

_“I’m sorry hyung, I just couldn’t help it. I felt so lonely, and having to know that you wanted me back became more important to me than anything else. I took your words over your actions, although I knew that actions speak louder than words. I’m sorry, because at that time, all I needed was to hear that you wanted me back as badly as I wanted you.  I wanted to see the words escape your mouth, and the shape of your lips when you say them.”_

 

“Come on, wait, has he kissed Hoseok-hyung in front of us before?” Jooheon tilts his head to the right and it suddenly occurs to Kihyun that he hasn’t told any of them about their relationship yet, and he doesn’t intend to do so any time soon. It’s so obvious, and it’s right in front of their faces, but he doesn’t want to tell them what’s actually happening even though they probably already suspect that it’s happening. “Well then, I’ll get going. Just…”

 

“Just?” Changkyun asks. “Just… Changkyun just woke up, so don’t do anything too physical. Don’t have sex, at least not now.”

 

“Hyung!” Changkyun shouts as Kihyun runs out the room with a cheeky smile on his face.

 

“Hey! What’s that cute smile for?” A voice rings out through the halls, and it’s Hoseok, a face that Kihyun has been missing since they last met. “Changkyun’s awake!” Kihyun announces proudly, as if his child had won a spelling bee or something. Hoseok’s eyes widen. “He’s awake?”

 

Kihyun snickers loudly. “Why are all your reactions the same? Yeah, he’s awake. He managed to pull through, hyung.”

 

“That’s good.” Hoseok mumbles softly. Kihyun raises an eyebrow. “What’s wrong?”

 

“There’s someone out there that wants to see you, and I’m not sure if it’ll be good to let that happen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back from my trip hello! this is short bc i needed to update asap, next chapter will be 4k words longer so that i can even this out and stuff!!


	12. PART XII: SOBER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hoseok and Kihyun? Together, they make one normal human being. Almost.

“I thought that you said you didn’t have anyone with you…?” The nurse who escorts Kihyun to the visiting room asks, lines on her forehead. Kihyun furrows his eyebrows, “I thought I didn’t have anyone with me either. I have no idea who it could be, but hopefully it’s just Hyunwoo-hyung.” Kihyun replies, and the nurse shakes her head. “It’s not Hyunwoo, I couldn’t recognize this guy. I’ll stay with you in case it’s anyone dangerous, and if it’s not, feel free to ask me to go.”

 

Kihyun grows more and more anxious as both their feet make thumping noises on the hall floor. He’s walking towards the person that wants to see him, and he really hopes that it’s not his father. He doesn’t ever want to see his father again, even though he knows that he’ll have to see him eventually, when he’s released. “We’re here.” The nurse says softly, and Kihyun doesn’t reply because he’s spacing out. “Kihyun, we’re here. Go in.” She nudges him. Kihyun follows reluctantly, while the nurse walks behind him, head bowed down.

 

Right in front of his eyes, was someone that he had never ever expected to see again. Someone that had ran away, and left him in his hellhole of a house alone. Someone that left him to suffer by himself, someone that he thought had completely forgotten about him. Someone that was related by flesh, blood, sweat, tears. Someone that Kihyun had put his faith on, only to be let down. His brother, who was once his savior.

 

His brother, who left him for his own selfish sake, and now he’s right in front of his eyes. Kihyun doesn’t know to laugh or cry, but he knows that his underlying emotion is nothing but anger. Strong anger, but not hatred, for his brother. The older boy scans Kihyun from head to toe, and he looks happy to see him, in contrast to Kihyun’s face. _You let me go, what do you want now?_

 

“C-can I leave you both alone?” The nurse squeaks softly, and Kihyun turns back to give her a tiny nod. She shuffles out the room quietly and shuts the door. It’s just the both of them now, and Kihyun is biting his lips. He doesn’t know what to say, as he glances up at the boy that was slightly taller than him himself. “So, um… Kihyun. How’re you doing in here? And how did you get in? Did father send you? Is he arrested already? I’ve missed you so much, you don’t even know-”

 

Kihyun scoffs. “ _Brother_. You left me in that house alone and I was suffering. The least you could do was bring me with you…” His brother looks taken aback, but he speaks after regaining his composure. “You know what, you’re right. I don’t have an excuse for that. I left you alone, because at that point I was only thinking about myself. I didn’t want to live under that man’s house anymore, and I wanted to leave so badly that I didn’t want to tell anyone in case it’ll slow me down. I…”

 

“I forgot that my younger brother was suffering more than me, and I forgot that you were father’s favorite target. I just left on my own accord, when at the back of my mind, I knew that you needed to leave that house more desperately that I had to. You’re here because of father, right? Did he drive you crazy? Was it my fault? If it was, I never ever meant to do anything like that to you, Kihyun. I- I’m sorry. If I were you, I wouldn’t forgive myself, but I just needed you to hear my apology. I’m so sorry for everything that I’ve left you behind with.” His brother bows his head down, guilty.

 

“It’s.. fine, hyung.” Kihyun replies simply, and the elder looks up hopefully. “I forgive you, I guess. If I were you, I would’ve told myself to follow, but what’s done is already done. Anyways, I’m in this place, and I’m actually pretty happy-” “Do you have a boyfriend?” His brother interrupts adruptly. Kihyun raises an eyebrow. “Sorry, sorry for the sudden question. Before you came in, there was this guy who literally interrogated me before I was allowed to see you. Is he your boyfriend?”

 

“Hyung-” The older boy interrupts again. “If you’re not comfortable telling me, it’s completely alright.” He says assuringly. “Hyung, yes. Yes, he’s my boyfriend. That’s why I said that I was pretty happy to be in this place.” Kihyun replies, and his brother nods. “Ahh, I get it now. It’s good that you have someone with you! I used to be that someone, we were so close that people actually thought that we were dating.” The boy chuckles.

 

“Ew, hyung. That’s incest!” Kihyun hits the older boy on the arm lightly, and he chuckles loudly. “I missed talking to you, hyung.” Kihyun admits, the older boy opening up his arms to embrace him. His brother wraps his long arms around him into a warm, tight hug, and it feels like home. Their family would just be the both of them. “So, did you report that guy to the people working here?”

 

Kihyun shakes his head solemnly. “No, I haven’t…” The older boy frowns for a second before his expression changes back to understanding. “I get that you don’t want to report him, because he’s family. But think about all the things he did, and all the pain he’s caused. Even if you refuse to report him, I’ll do it myself. Kihyun, you can’t be covered by his shadow. You need to speak up, because what he did is just downright wrong, anyone who knows about it would know that it’s wrong.”

 

“But he’s our father, hyung. It just feels… not right. I feel like a heartless son.” Kihyun mumbles. “You’re not a heartless son. He’s a heartless father. You did nothing wrong, so you shouldn’t feel guilty. Furthermore, it’s not like his death sentence would be heavy enough to get him killed. He’ll go to prison, learn a lesson there. Heck, maybe we could even send him into a rehabilitation center, for, you know, his drinking problems.”

 

“But being in a rehabilitation center isn’t fun. People die here, and it’s depressing. The walls are grey, the floors are grey, everything is dull and colorless. It’s the color that you find in people that makes this place more bearable. If I were alone, hyung, dare I say, I would’ve killed myself.” Kihyun speaks, and the older boy purses his lips together. “Don’t be so negative, Kihyun. Just… don’t you worry.”

 

“What?” Kihyun raises an eyebrow. “Just get better, for me. Get better for that boy I talked to with the blonde hair. Also, get better for yourself. There’s people out in the world waiting for you, and you have to take the first step, which is telling the people here what happened at home. Now, I’m not rushing you or anything, but you have to do that if you want to get better. You must.”

 

Kihyun understands what the elder is trying to say, but he doesn’t want to do it. He doesn’t feel heartless enough to report his father, the reason for his birth, to the police. But his brother’s right. He has to tell people so that he can escape the shadow that his father had casted over him. So that he could be himself again, and live in the real world, with Hoseok and his brother and the others. But, he isn’t ready yet.

 

One day, he’ll gather the courage to say it. He just wants to get better, nothing else. He really wants nothing but that. “Hyung, I’ll do it when I’m ready, okay?” The older boy gives him a firm nod, one filled with hope for the best. He doesn’t want to let anyone else down anymore. “I could easily just do it, but I want you to be the one that tells people. Tell it to the world, what he did to you. You should be the one, because you’ve suffered all the pain he’s caused. I ran away. You’re different, you’re stronger. So you go out there, and you tell your story, alright?”

 

“Okay, hyung.” Kihyun replies weakly. “Don’t sound so weak. You have my support, and your boyfriend’s support. It’s just the entire world against father. You have to tell, okay?” The elder boy asks again, and Kihyun nods. “I will one day, hyung. Don’t worry. Even though I’m too afraid to say anything now, even though nobody knows a thing about this now besides you and Hoseok, I will tell them.”

 

“Hoseok?” The boy raises an eyebrow. “Oh, he’s my… boyfriend. That guy that interrogated you, I guess…” Kihyun starts, and his brother just chuckles. “I see. He’s good looking, you have standards. Just… be careful, okay? I don’t know whether these people might be crazy or anything, I just don’t want my brother getting hurt anymore. The thought of you getting hurt just shatters my heart.” _Oh, if he knew about the things that Kihyun did in here when he was desperate_.

 

“Hyung! Don’t worry, Hoseok’s not a bad guy. None of my friends are. We’re just a little sad, a little anxious. There’s no psycho amongst us. Please don’t… misjudge us. Just because we’re in here, doesn’t mean we can’t be saved.” Kihyun whines, something that he hasn’t done in a long time. He used to talk to his brother in that way, just because. “Alright, alright. I’m sorry for misjudging you and your friends. I just want you to get well soon, okay? And I want your friends to get well soon too. You seem to be doing well with them. Kicked off the social anxiety?”

 

“Not yet, hyung. I mean, I did manage to make these friends, but talking to strangers is still terrifying to me. These people approached me first, I guess they knew that I didn’t dare to talk to them. And I’m thankful. I’m thankful for them, for being there for me all the time. They’re the reason why I lasted so long at this place. And now, with you back on my side, I’m going to leave this place. I’m getting out of the rehabilitation center, and I don’t want to live under father’s shadow anymore.” Kihyun spills.

 

“That’s good, Kihyun. Have I said this? As a brother, I’m really proud of you. You’ve managed to do all of this alone, and you’re so incredibly strong. Stronger than me, I dare say. But thank you. Thank you for showing me that.” The older boy is tearing up, and so is Kihyun. It’s been a while since he’s talked to someone related to him by blood. “Hyung, t-thank y-you…” Kihyun sobs into his shoulder as his brother pats his hair. “Hyung is proud of you, Kihyun.”

 

It takes a while for Kihyun to finally stop sobbing, still breathing oddly occasionally. His brother takes one last glance at him, scanning him up and down. “That’s my brother. I’m incredibly proud of you, Kihyun. I don’t want to leave, but I have to go now. The maximum visiting time is an hour, and I think we’ve passed that.” He chuckles lightly. “But really, I’m so proud of you. You’re so strong. I’ll have to learn from my little brother…”

 

“Goodbye, hyung. Come visit on visiting days.” Kihyun smiles, a genuine smile. His brother’s eyes light up. “I definitely will, you stay strong here with your boyfriend and friends! And, by the way, I would like to meet your boyfriend too. Like, officially. Maybe the next visiting day? Today isn’t a visiting day, but I just came by to try my luck.”

 

“Hyung, how did you know that I was here, by the way?” Kihyun asks. It’s not like his older brother to go back to that house to ask. “I’ve been trying to look for you for months. There was this new coworker at the place I’m working at, and he talked about his time in the rehabilitation center. He mentioned your name, and a couple of other names. So I asked him for the address, and he gave it to me. Turns out it really is you, Yoo Kihyun.”

 

Kihyun chuckles. “Hyung, is his name Hyunwoo?” His brother nods. “Yes, Hyunwoo. A good coworker. He’s really good at doing his job, dare I say.”

 

“He’s dating one of the guys in here too.” Kihyun adds, and his brother nods again. “Yeah, I heard him talk about that. His boyfriend’s name is Minho, Minhyun or something like that, right?”

 

“Minhyuk,” Kihyun laughs. “Ah, I see.”

 

“I missed you, hyung. Thank you for coming back and finding me. If you didn’t, I might still be mad at you till this very day, and maybe even for the rest of my life. ” Kihyun says, and the older boy smiles. “Hyung has to leave now, but you know that I’m here with you, right?”

 

Kihyun nods. “Bye, Kihyun. I’ll see you soon.” His brother waves him goodbye, as a nurse tells him the way out. Kihyun waves in return, and sighs heavily when he’s gone. He doesn’t really know how to feel. Kihyun turns the doorknob back into the main hall to see Hoseok standing right in front of the door, grinning from ear to ear. “What the hell?” Kihyun jumps, and Hoseok snickers. “I heard all of that. You really love me, huh?”

 

“If you do something like that again, I might accidentally kill you,” Kihyun rolls his eyes. “Enough talking. Today’s a great day. Changkyun woke up, and you finally got to see your brother. We have to celebrate.”

 

Kihyun raises an eyebrow. “How are we going to celebrate? Eat more food than usual?” Hoseok chuckles loudly, clapping while doing so. “No, no. Minhyuk’s been transferred to a new room, he’s now staying with Hyungwon who didn’t have a roommate because Hyunwoo was released. They were moved next to us, and their room is bigger than ours. I kept our supplies in there since they had the extra space.”

 

“What? Supplies?” Kihyun’s eyes widen. “You brought drugs into this place? Hoseok, you brought drugs into a rehabilitation center?” Hoseok shakes his head rapidly. “No, no. I’m not that kind of person. Just…” Hoseok leans in to Kihyun’s ear and whispers, sending a chill down Kihyun’s spine. “It’s just alcohol… I steal a bottle from the chapel and kitchen occasionally, I’ve collected plenty so far. Do you know that when they order chicken for us they get free soju and beer? Since it’s a bulk order they get it for free…”

 

Kihyun frowns, pulling away from Hoseok. “Why would you steal from a chapel? Are you crazy?” Hoseok laughs in reponse. “You sound excited, though?” And if Kihyun were to be honest, he _was_ looking forward to getting drunk with Hoseok and their other friends. There’s just too much on his mind, and all he wants to do is let loose and forget everything. “Whatever. Do the rest know about this? And Changkyun just woke up, we shouldn’t let him drink…”

 

“We can give Changkyun water instead of soju,” Hoseok says, and Kihyun snickers at this. “Minhyuk and Hyungwon don’t really care, but we can just tell them during lunch or when we’re all at the lounge room. I don’t think Changkyun would join us for either, so we have to tell him separately. And we can tell Jooheon in the meantime too, since they’re basically connected by the wrist now.”

 

“Are you sure they’ll just let Changkyun go back to his room so early? They might want to do extra checks or something… Like, I’m not cursing him or anything! Just in case something goes wrong, not that I think something would…” Kihyun starts. “Oh, don’t worry. There’s Jooheon by his side, and the nurses probably trust Jooheon enough to let Changkyun go back to his normal room.”

 

“I guess…” Kihyun replies. “I don’t really know how this is going to work. What if we get caught?” Hoseok furrows his eyebrows. “My dear, don’t worry about that. Hyungwon, Minhyuk and I have done it tons of times, and we’ve never gotten caught. This is the only way that we can actually feel lighter for once, in this place. Well, when that happens, and when I’m with you.”

 

Hoseok plays with his earring while raising an eyebrow, as if he’s waiting for a reply from Kihyun. “So, you in? I don’t want to force you or anything… we could find another alternative, maybe we could just-” “I’m all in. Don’t worry about me. I need the de-stress, anyway. How’s Hyungwon like when he’s drunk?” Kihyun asks, and Hoseok has to stifle his laughter for a moment before he can actually speak again. “Oh, wow, he’s… he gets all depressed and we should feel concerned but honestly, it’s just funny. Jooheon’s a lightweight, and he turns red. Minhyuk’s the same, minus the turning red part, and I’m not really one to say how I am when I’m drunk.”

 

“Oh god, I’m pretty sure that I’m a lightweight _too_ …” Kihyun sighs. The sides of Hoseok’s mouth curve up as he touches Kihyun’s cheek, and he’s able to feel his face heat up right at that moment. “That just makes me like you more, Kihyun.” Hoseok chuckles. If Kihyun’s face was pink previously, it’s scarlet by now. He just can’t control his stupid face and its blushing. “You look even cuter when you blush,” Hoseok says.

 

“Not now, we’re literally in the middle of a hall.” Kihyun’s eyes scan the white walls, and though there was no one else there, he fears of getting caught. “Come on, let’s go to Changkyun’s room. We have spare time, anyway.” Kihyun nudges Hoseok, who doesn’t budge. “What are you waiting for? Come on. Kihyun nudges the boy harder, but Hoseok just stands there, staring in to blank space. “I want to try something.” He states simply.

 

Kihyun tilts his head. “What do you want to try? Are you okay-” Before he knows it, Kihyun’s back is slammed on to the wall and he’s too startled to continue speaking. Hoseok scans him up and down, face too close to his. This was too sudden, because Kihyun is _extremely_ confused. “I want to make out with you, on these walls, in the middle of the hall, where anyone could accidentally walk in on us anytime.”

 

“Are you crazy? That’s embarrassing! We’ll get teased every hour by everyone.” Kihyun protests, and it’s really hard to do so because it’s almost impossible to resist Shin Hoseok. “That’s what I want. I want everyone to know that you’re mine.” Hoseok mutters. “But so adruptly? You could’ve told me, we could’ve just announce it or something. That’ll be more rational, right?”

 

“I don’t want to be that kind of couple.” Hoseok replies. “I want them to know that I only want you, and I only need you. Simple words are not enough. I want… I want to show you. I want to show everyone.” Hoseok glances back down at Kihyun, his breaths heavy. “What if there are alternate universes of us? One where we’re in the same university, one where we’re idols, one where we’re in jail together or something like that.”

 

Kihyun scoffs. “Jail? That sounds stupid.” Hoseok looks up to think for a moment. “Well, yeah, it _is_ stupid. That’s why I said alternate universe.” “My father’s going to be sent to prison soon, if I tell my therapist about what actually goes on in my house.” Kihyun pipes up randomly, and Hoseok takes a step back. “You mean, you haven’t told him what happens at home?” Hoseok raises in eyebrow, and Kihyun nods. “I’m not sure when I’ll be ready to tell.”

 

“But Kihyun, he hurt you! Aren’t you angry?” Hoseok frowns. “If I were you, I’d be raging in fury.” Hoseok continues. Kihyun shrugs simply. “He’s done terrible things to me, but… he’s still family. We’re still related by blood, no matter how horribly he’s treated me. It’s really hard to let go of a family member like that, you know what I mean? I’m angry, but do I really want to be the reason why my dad’s going to be in prison, and do I really want to be the cause of him wasting years of his short life?”

 

Hoseok looks away, clearly unable to understand what Kihyun’s saying. It’s different when you’re dealing with it in first person. “I think I understand… a little. I still think you should tell your therapist, but there’s no rush, I guess. Just wait for the right moment, but please don’t ever not tell anyone. Do the rest know, or is it only me that knows?” Hoseok asks again. Wow, that boy sure did ask a lot of questions. “I didn’t tell anyone else but you. In this world, only you, my parents and my brother know about this. Why are you still asking me? I thought you were going to kiss me.”

 

“I still will!” Hoseok replies, excitement hidden in his voice, but someone Kihyun manages to uncover it. He sounds way too happy, does he want to be cute or sexy? Kihyun will never know. “I’m going to kiss you now,” Hoseok warns, raising both his palms and pushing Kihyun back onto the wall, such that all of Kihyun’s weight is rested on the wall. Hoseok places his lips on Kihyun’s, taking it excrutiatingly slow. Even Kihyun, the less daring one is wanting more. God, a kiss sure is a good way to shut a person up.

 

Hoseok doesn’t seem to want their kiss to be too heated, it’s almost as if he’s set expectations for the way their lips touch. He’s never sloppy, unless… You know. Kihyun knows. It looks, no, feels like Hoseok has his own expectations set for this certain kiss, because it’s something new to Kihyun. All their kisses have been quick, some rushed. This is sweet and easy, nothing more, nothing less. It’s almost perfect.

 

Who is Kihyun to kid? All their kisses are perfect, because he’s with Hoseok. Anything with Hoseok is perfect, anytime with Hoseok is perfect. Everytime they come in contact with each other, it feels as if the other is trying to convey a message, a message that can’t be put into words but only shown in their actions. Kihyun’s curious about these new things that he never thought he could do. Just a glance from Hoseok could mean so many things, and Kihyun’s a little amazed at how well they both understood each other.

 

_To the beautiful you, does your heart feel the same way as mine is feeling?_

_Everytime I see you, I feel like I’m soaring._

_All the times I’m with you, I’m never blue._

_I want to look at you forever, do you want to look at me too?_

_My heart starts racing, what’s the meaning?_

_Do you know that you’re my sky, because you’re all I see?_

_All these colours I see, red, yellow, purple blue._

_But, none of them are as beautiful as the beautiful you._

_I might be falling for you, Shin Hoseok. Falling in love._

 

Everything is interrupted by somebody clearing their throat, and both Kihyun and Hoseok freeze. _Oh no, we’re so fucked_ , is the first thing that runs through Kihyun’s mind. They turn their heads in sync, and thank god it’s only Minhyuk and Hyungwon. Thank god? It could’ve been way worse, so they’re pretty lucky.

 

They’re never going to be able to hear the end of this.

 

“Ahem… um… so… our favorite hot couple… they’re really dating, right?” Minhyuk scratches the back of his head awkwardly, and Hoseok raises an eyebrow. “I mean, guys. We wanted to tell you…” Hoseok starts, but he’s only cut off mid-sentence by Minhyuk. “Hyung, you didn’t have to tell us.” Minhyuk says simply, and Hoseok’s expression turns into a worried one, whereas Kihyun’s still frozen and speechless. “W-what?”

 

“I mean, hyung, it’s so obvious, we have to be really stupid to not realize that the two of you are dating. Come on. We’ve known about it since… months ago.” Minhyuk purses his lips. “It’s dead obvious. Like, seriously, hyung. Holding hands under the table during meals? Are you serious? We can still see your arms, you know. Not very smart.” Hyungwon deadpans. That’s just how Hyungwon usually talks, he normally just sounds uninterested.

 

“Yeah, I mean… okay. That’s good, I guess… that we didn’t have to tell you guys in the end?” Hoseok sounds unsure, almost as if he’s taken aback by the words of Minhyuk and Hyungwon. Kihyun knows what they mean; him and Hoseok haven’t been very discreet from the start. But it seems like Hoseok really doesn’t know. He’s so oblivious to things sometimes, and Kihyun finds it extremely cute. “Tell us? You guys _showed_ us.” Minhyuk snickers.

 

“Can you move? We’re kind of… on our way to see Changkyun.” Hoseok starts. “Oh, hyung, we’re going to see Changkyun too. I mean, before we stumbled upon this. Let’s go together.” Minhyuk replies, head tilted and expecting an answer. “Lead the way.” Kihyun says. “Also, Jooheon’s in there with him so we have to be careful in case we walk in on them making out or something.”

 

“They got their stuff sorted out?” Hyungwon raises an eyebrow. “Yeah, they had this emotional conversation after Changkyun woke up, and I was just sitting there and listening in. I’m a little afraid that they’re doing more than what we think they’re doing.” Kihyun replies. “Come on, you’re overthinking. Changkyun just woke up, there’s no way they’ll start doing nasty things now.” Hyungwon rolls his eyes.

 

Minhyuk and Hyungwon lead the way, and Hoseok smiles to himself, his hands in his pocket. Kihyun nudges the boy. “What are you smiling about?” Hoseok shrugs. “I don’t know either. You just make me smile.” Man, this guy really knows when the right time is to say certain things. His words make Kihyun’s heart race, and soon, Kihyun catches himself smiling as well. It’s like Hoseok’s contagious. It’s like Kihyun’s gasoline, and Hoseok’s fire.

 

Minhyuk pushes the door open to Jooheon standing next to Changkyun’s bed, not what Kihyun had expected. Kihyun had expected the boy to be _in_ Changkyun’s bed, but it seems like he’s overestimated him. “Why did you guys get it done so fast?” Hoseok raises an eyebrow. Jooheon frowns at this, confused. “Get what done, hyung? How long do you expect two people to talk? We’ve talked for the entire time you Kihyun-hyung left, is that not long?”

 

Jooheon clearly doesn’t understand what Hoseok was getting at, but it’s a relief that that’s the case. Changkyun grins knowingly, occasionally glancing down at the tube that’s stuck in his hand. “Ah, that’ll be difficult. We have to be extra careful with the drip.” Hyungwon says as Jooheon informs them of Changkyun having to be sent back to their room. “Yeah, I know. But we all know that the system here is shit, and Changkyun can’t stay in here for that long if he isn’t critical anymore.”

 

“That’s pretty funny, considering that he was in a coma for three months straight and they just let him stay in this bed. This place is insane.” Minhyuk grumbles. “But still, there’s no point getting angry over that. Imagine how happy Hyunwoo-hyung would be hearing that our Changkyun’s awake! He’s going to be so thrilled…” Minhyuk says excitedly and Kihyun can’t help but smile. It’s those feelings when something makes someone you love so happy that you feel happy about it as well.

 

“Yeah, actually, I was thinking we celebrate with the stuff that I stole tonight. Maybe we can have one of those mini-parties that we used to have again. I miss those times, and it’s been a long time since we used my stash, so…” Hoseok starts, and Minhyuk nods his head eagerly. “Yes, I need to get drunk. I need to celebrate Changkyun waking up and I need to forget my past!”

 

“Come on, Minhyuk. Don’t get _too_ drunk. You might accidentally mistake one of us as Hyunwoo-hyung and try to kiss us,” Jooheon starts. “Oh, and, what about Changkyun? I’m pretty sure he’s not supposed to drink alcohol, he even has a drip and all that…” Hoseok nods. “Yeah, he shouldn’t be drinking alcohol.” Changkyun frowns, and Kihyun laughs at this. He pities the younger boy a little, but still, it isn’t healthy to drink in the first place. “I’ll get him a glass of water instead.”

 

Hyungwon explodes in laughter and Changkyun glares at the elder playfully. He probably understands that he needs to watch his diet at the moment. “I won’t drink either. Being with Changkyun already makes me happy.” Jooheon says, and everybody groans at his cheesiness. All Jooheon can do is raise his hands and shrug, as if he’s innocent. “It’s a little strange that the kids outside don’t even have to plan things like that while we do. It’s a little depressing, honestly…” Hyungwon says. Hoseok raises an eyebrow.

 

“Chae Hyungwon, are you drunk already?” The oldest says. “No, no. I’m just saying. Drinking all the time is so normal to other people, while we have to avoid it at all costs and steal for it. You get me? Not saying this because I’m an alcoholic or anything, but I really want to get out of here so that I can taste freedom again.” Hyungwon barely breathes as he says all of this. “Where did all of that come from?”

 

“The deepest parts of my heart. I mean, I’m just trying to say that I really want to get out of here. I want to be okay, and I want all of us to be okay. Now that Changkyun’s awake, I can finally say this. Let’s get well together so that we can leave together, so that we can live a life outside of here. I know that it’s going to be tough, but there’s six of us now and if we all try our best to fight, we can be so strong that we defeat our own doubts and insecurities. Changkyun made me think. That rascal.” Hyungwon replies.

 

“We understand. But Hyungwon… you really need to get drunk. You’re thinking too much,” Minhyuk pretends to smack the taller boy in the head and Hyungwon lets out a small, lighthearted laugh. “Yeah, I really do.”

 

“Maybe get a little more,” Hoseok jokes. “What? All of you are attached. That’s cheating.” Hyungwon replies, frowning at the elder. “It isn’t cheating if you just join a pair in…”

 

“Are you suggesting a threesome?” Hyungwon raises an eyebrow. Kihyun rolls his eyes at the oldest. Of course Hoseok would suggest something like that. “Hoseok-hyung, that’s… I don’t think I’m lonely enough to do that.”

 

Hoseok shrugs. “It’s your loss.”

 

 

 

“Are you sure we won’t get caught?” Kihyun asks worriedly, sitting on the floor in Minhyuk and Hyungwon’s room with his legs crossed. Minhyuk waves it off lightly. “I’m very sure. They’ve already conducted their nightly checks so they won’t come back unless someone makes lots of noise.” He replies, and Kihyun nods, still slightly unsure. It’s the first time he’s breaking rules, so it’s alright to be unsure. Hyungwon lets out a soft grunt as Hoseok tells him to “take the stuff out”. Hyungwon grumbles, “can’t you do that yourself, hyung? You’re way nearer, and you’re the one that placed them there in the first place.”

 

“This is ridiculous,” Jooheon has his mouth wide open as Hoseok pulls out his stash of stolen alcohol, and Kihyun’s impressed too. He’s never known about Hoseok stealing alcohol, and he’s pretty surprised to see how much the boy has managed to accumulate while doing all of this in secret. “Now I want to join too. This is so upsetting.” Jooheon continues, pouting. Changkyun looks down for a moment. “Hyung, you don’t have to worry about me. Drink all you want, I don’t like alcohol anyways. It’ll be so funny to watch all of you get wasted.” Changkyun assures the boy while rubbing at the tube in his arm lightly. Hoseok pulls out a couple of beer cans.

 

“You sure?” Jooheon raises an eyebrow. Changkyun nods. “Hyung, I’m sure.” Jooheon grins, his eyes filled with love for Changkyun, and Kihyun swears that it makes him feel things. Does he look at Hoseok the way Jooheon looks at Changkyun? And does Hoseok do that to him? The two, Jooheon and Changkyun are so in love that even the way they look at each other is different from everyone else. They make Kihyun wonder if love could really be that strong, even though Hoseok shows him that it can be sometimes. “Okay, Changkyun. I won’t drink too much though, just a little bit of soju just like the old times.”

 

Hoseok pulls out another bottle, and this time it’s a huge bottle of expensive looking wine. Kihyun wonders how the elder got that. “What? Since when there was a bottle of wine like this?” Minhyuk raises an eyebrow, and Hoseok chuckles in response. “This is… one of the wines that I stole from the chapel. It’s expensive, but…” Hoseok pauses to read the label of the wine. “It’s expensive, but it’s weak. We can just drink this one if we want to feel fancy or something.”

 

“God is _so_ going to punish you for that,” Hyungwon snorts. Hoseok laughs along, pulling out the many bottles of soju left under the bed. Kihyun would prefer something weak, since he didn’t really like the taste of alcohol. “I stole these from the kitchen. They get free soju when we order chicken, and they buy soju for cooking anyways. I have lots. This is the classic.” Hoseok pulls out eleven, twelve bottles of soju. He pulls out another four. “These are grapefruit flavored. They taste better, but they’re weaker.”

 

“Okay, Hoseok-hyung, are you done? Can we drink now?” Hyungwon rushes the boy. “Wait.” Hoseok holds a hand up dramatically. “This is…” He starts, as he pulls out the last bottle. “Expensive hard liquor. I stole this from the chapel. I don’t know what they intended to do with this anyway.”

 

“You are so going to hell,” Kihyun snickers.

 

 

 

“You are so going to hell,” Kihyun snickers for the second time that night as he finishes an entire bottle of soju. He’s a lightweight – and this is already doing things to him. Changkyun looks amused, observing his elders who seem to be an uncoordinated mess of arms and legs. Except Jooheon. He had just taken a little drink, for nothing else but the taste unlike the rest of them. Kihyun’s eyes glance around the room, and god, it’s a huge blur. “I miss Hyunwoo-hyung…” Minhyuk whines softly, the sound muffled by the cup over his mouth. “My life is so pointless without him…”

 

Changkyun snorts. “Here it is, Minhyuk-hyung getting all depressed after drinking. Then it’ll be Hyungwon-hyung. You guys are a huge mess.” Jooheon chuckles along as Minhyuk pouts to no one in particular. “I miss Hyunwoo-hyung,” the boy repeats. “I miss his presence. I miss his comforting… I even miss the time we first met. I miss when he’d be by my side whenever I have a problem. I miss kissing him. I miss it when he touches me down-”

 

“Stop!” Hyungwon screeches. “You.” He stops mid-sentence to take a sip of his drink. “You need to get even more drunk. You’re thinking too much, stupid. And you’re _not_ allowed to get turned on. No one will entertain you.”

 

“I guess the only person I have is myself.” Minhyuk gives Hyungwon a suggestive grin, and the other boy just stares for a moment before looking away, then taking a huge gulp from his bottle.

 

“They’re all going to hell…” Jooheon mumbles quietly to Changkyun. The two youngest ones sit on Minhyuk’s bed, watching the mess unfold right before their eyes. Hoseok’s been strangely quiet the entire time, and he definitely knows that Kihyun has noticed that. “Hyung, when did you get so-” Kihyun hiccups, snickering at himself softly before he starts speaking again. “When did you get _so_ hot? I saw you today and you were hot, but now you’re even more…”

 

“He’s not even going to remember that he’s saying this,” Jooheon whispers to Changkyun who nods in agreement. If Kihyun had the choice to, he wouldn’t want to remember that. Hoseok looks clear, sober almost. But he’s not. “Lightweight.” Jooheon grins. “We’re never going to get out of here.” Hyungwon states, his face full of nothing but seriousness. “We’re never going to get well, because what we’re trying to fight is ourselves and because we’re always so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so-”

 

“Your point exactly?” Hoseok interrupts, his gaze blank. Hyungwon looks up from the half-empty bottle in his hand and fixates his eyes on Hoseok for a good two seconds before bursting out into giggles. “This hyung is so drunk,” Jooheon grumbles quietly to Changkyun, and the younger scoffs. “Indeed. I didn’t expect him to be such a lightweight. But honestly, Minhyuk-hyung’s worse.”

 

“Hey you… rascal.” Kihyun holds up a finger. “Are you supposed to be like that with your hyungs?” His tone travels up and down, but it’s not as if he can control it. “Hyung, you’re going to regret everything tomorrow. Just keep quiet.” Jooheon replies, and Kihyun’s eyes widen. “Hey!”

 

“Stop this,” Minhyuk whines. “Stop what?” Hyungwon tilts his head up, obviously dazed. “I don’t think anything bad’s happening. And that’s why life here is terrible. You don’t get to feel the ups and downs, because you’re always down. It’s like we’re stuck in an all time low, and it’s fucking impossible to get out of it. I don’t understand why every single nurse tells us to help ourselves when we ourselves are the reason why we’re here in the first place! It’s because we’re not normal kids, it’s because we’re… possessed by demons. Wait, if that’s true, wouldn’t going to a church be better? Or getting somebody to exorcise us? Wait, so why exactly are we here? Are our parents stupid? Why’re they paying for this when the entrance fee for a church is zero? Are we stupid?”

 

“You’re stupid, hyung.” Changkyun snickers, and Jooheon’s laughted is barely audible although he’s so physically amused. “Kids nowadays…” Hyungwon grumbles to himself so lowly that Kihyun can barely hear what the other boy’s saying.

 

“Kihyun, can I tell you something?” Hoseok says, his tone completely serious. Is he even drunk? Is it normal for a drunk to sound more serious than his usual self? It’s a little scary to Kihyun, honestly. Through the haze he could still see a little, just like how there’s a small hint of sober-ness in him. It makes him anticipate. It makes him curious. “Follow me.” Hoseok pulls him up by the hand, and he follows suit. “They’re going to fuck!” Jooheon sings, and Changkyun snickers along. Those kids.

 

“Hyung, what-” Kihyun starts as Hoseok pulls him into their room, which was next to the room they were previously in. “Kihyun, I want you… I want you to be sober. At most tipsy. Here.” Hoseok passes the boy a bottle of water, and Kihyun raises an eyebrow. “I’m fine. I’m sober. I’m so… I’m okay!” Kihyun insists, pushing the bottle of water away. “As if that’s not what every drunk person says,” Hoseok rolls his eyes, uncapping the bottle and shoving it to Kihyun. “Now drink it, or I won’t kiss you ever again.”

 

Kihyun glares at the elder through hooded eyes as he very reluctantly takes a couple of gulps from the bottle. It’s supposed to clear your head, but it seems like Kihyun’s head just got even more messed up. The point of drinking, in the first place, was to forget everything bad that’s happened, but that’s all just flooding back to him now. This isn’t good, and he needs a distraction. Why is Hoseok doing this? Probably just so he could feel every single moment with Hoseok.

 

“You’re sober.” Hoseok states calmly, and Kihyun takes his mouth off the bottle, an eyebrow raised. “What?” Kihyun barely finishes the simple word before Hoseok’s lips are on his, just like what had happened a few hours ago. It’s not like he’s completely sober, so he doesn’t even bother thinking anymore before he’s kissing Hoseok back, twice as strong as the other boy himself. Strong enough to make the elder pull away for a second to bite his own lips. “I like this confidence of yours,” Hoseok mumbles, “when you’re under the influence of alcohol.”

 

Kihyun doesn’t want to talk. He wants to kiss the boy, and he doesn’t want anything else. He wants to kiss him until no words can escape from his mouth, he wants to do something that he’s never dared to do when he was sober, and when everything was not a blur, and when his spirits were not as high. He wants this. He wants Hoseok, all of him, and he’s pretty sure the elder wants him back.

 

Kihyun doesn’t hesistate to pull the elder back into another kiss, surprising the boy as he slides his tongue into his mouth as swiftly as possible. You wouldn’t get this from a sober Kihyun. A sober Kihyun would think too much. Sometimes, Kihyun prefers not thinking at all. It’s way less stressful. “You’re so different from usual.” Hoseok mutters, and Kihyun’s eyes travel up to meet his. “I like all the sides of you, Yoo Kihyun.”

 

Soon, the elder has him pressed up on a wall and they’re making out. It’s a little sweaty, and honestly a little disgusting but they didn’t care. Even if Hoseok’s saliva is all over his lips, Kihyun doesn’t give a shit at all. Hoseok’s hands are crazy, they’re moving everywhere, covering every single inch of Kihyun’s body, and it’s not going to take a long time before they do something that’ll take them even further than kissing. Kihyun’s hands are tamed, just running over the marks on Hoseok’s stomach, and feeling his somewhat defined abs.

 

Hoseok’s kisses start to move lower and lower, and this is usually how it starts, no denying. Kihyun doesn’t want to deny anything, because he craves this so badly. The elder sucks marks into Kihyun’s skin, and the younger shivers from the mere feeling of his lips on his skin and it’s driving him crazy. It’s driving him crazy, that every single thing that Hoseok does is driving off every single sense in his body.

 

The kisses litter the entire surface area around his jawline and neck, but he wants more. Sometimes, just sometimes, it’s okay to be greedy.

 

“Hoseok…” Kihyun bites his lips, eyes meeting the elder’s. “Ah, we should… bed.” Kihyun looks over to the beds, their beds that they had connected. “Kihyun, you…” Hoseok glances over as well. His eyes say that it’s a good idea. “Are you sure? Isn’t this your first-”

 

“I’ll be fine, hyung.” Kihyun insists, and the elder gives in, directing him to the beds and landing right above him. When Hoseok leans down a little, his lips can meet Kihyun’s easily. It’s being driven towards the right direction, and Kihyun can feel himself getting more and more excited with every possible thought that runs through his busy, busy mind. Hoseok seems to take the hint as well, because he’s not hesistating at all. Their paces match up. If one changes, the other matches right up. If Kihyun’s tired, Hoseok’ll slow down.

 

“Ki-Kihyun, are you sure?” Hoseok asks once more, and Kihyun rolls his eyes. “Yes, I’m sure! Is it really that difficult to just put your fucking dick in me?” Kihyun replies, and Hoseok shushes him loudly. “Okay, keep your volume down. I… wow, alcohol really makes you confident, doesn’t it?” Hoseok gives him a shit-eating grin before he speaks again. “I… okay. Let’s do this.”

 

“Wait.” Kihyun holds a hand up, and Hoseok frowns, puzzled. “Don’t we need lube or something?” He says, and Hoseok looks as if he wants to slap himself, mentally. “Yeah, I completely forgot. But that’s fine, because Hyungwon definitely has it. Don’t worry, I’ll be right back.” Hoseok leaps off the bed and runs out the room as quickly as he possibly could.

 

“Why would Hyungwon have-” But before Kihyun could complete his sentence, the elder was already out of the room. Though, Kihyun swears that he could hear some claps and jeers from the room beside. Well, it wouldn’t be a surprise if they were teasing Hoseok for taking something like that.

 

Hoseok barges into the room just seconds after, with a bottle of what Kihyun assumes should be lube in his hand. “When do you want to-” “I’m ready,” Kihyun interrupts. “Just do it. You can lead, I don’t really know what I’m supposed to even do.”

 

Hoseok shuffles towards him, a sly smile plastered on his face that makes Kihyun want to know even more about what’s going on in the boy’s mind. What’s distracting to Kihyun, though, is the bulge in the other boy’s tight jeans. It’s distracting him the most, out of every single thing that was going on in their room. “You’re so hot.” Kihyun states softly as Hoseok’s hovering above him again, planting a small kiss on his forehead. “Yeah?” The older boy says softly as he unzips Kihyun’s zipper, and the younger’s not moving at all now.

 

The elder pulls of Kihyun’s jeans in the slowest possible way, and this just makes Kihyun want to kick them off. “What’s the hurry?” Hoseok snickers teasingly as Kihyun writhes under his touch. Hoseok has everything in control, but Kihyun’s impatient. He wanted it _now_. Hoseok was taking too much time, and the more time he takes, the more impatient Kihyun gets. Though, in the back of his mind, he secretly likes it. He likes it a lot.

 

“Finally,” Kihyun breathes heavily as the elder pulls the fabric covering him down. Never mind about the shirt. Kihyun feels his cheeks heat up as Hoseok just _stares_ , and this is just getting awkward. “You really have the ass for this.” He snickers, and Kihyun scoffs, rolling his eyes. Way to ruin the mood, Shin Hoseok. “What even? Can you just hurry up?” Kihyun rushes the boy, who scoffs in response. “I-” Kihyun starts to speak when the elder doesn’t speed up, but he’s interrupted by Hoseok’s lips crashing into his.

 

“Like that?” Hoseok whispers into Kihyun’s right ear as he grips on to Kihyun’s hair, pulling it softly to tilt his head up so that he could kiss the younger better. The whispers send shivers down Kihyun’s spine as he returns all of Hoseok’s kisses, which were gradually getting sloppier and sloppier. It’s not like he cares. Hoseok’s hands move down sneakily, massaging Kihyun’s thighs and Hoseok steals a glance at him occasionally. If he could see himself, he’d probably have the look of pure bliss on his face. It feels incredible, and Kihyun can’t control himself. He can’t hide it. “Lie down.” Hoseok whispers once more, lips pressing softly on his ear.

 

Kihyun lies down, and Hoseok moves down. The younger shivers at the thought of what the elder was going to do to him, and what it’s going to feel like. Right now, everything’s a little misty and all he can see is Hoseok’s vague silhouette shifting. “Someone’s burning up in here,” the elder chuckles. Kihyun chooses to ignore it – perhaps it is the fastest way to get Hoseok moving. The older boy pops the lid of the bottle of lube and Kihyun shivers in anticipation. How was this going to feel like?

 

“Tell me if it hurts,” Hoseok looks up, eyes full of nothing but concern. Kihyun nods slowly, as much as he’s afraid of it hurting, the feeling of wanting Hoseok to fuck him is way stronger. Honestly, he didn’t know that he needed it so badly until today. Hoseok places a soft kiss on his cheek, a little inappropriate for that exact moment. Kihyun throws his head back in need, patience has never really been a forte of his. “Hurry up.” Kihyun demands, and Hoseok snickers. “If you want it to feel better, you should be more patient.”

 

Kihyun gasps, in half-shock and half-bliss as the elder shoves a finger inside him. He didn’t even notice the elder covering his fingers with the lube or anything like that. It all happened in a huge blur. “Does it hurt?” Hoseok asks, a concerned tone in his voice. Kihyun isn’t looking at the elder because his head’s thrown back at the feeling of Hoseok’s finger inside him. “It… it hurts a little, but it feels good. I’ll be fine, just keep going.” Kihyun replies, and Hoseok acknowledges it with a soft grunt.

 

Kihyun takes in an even larger breath than the one before when Hoseok puts another finger in him. It burns a little, but the pleasure’s just as much as it hurts, so Kihyun’s okay. He grips on to the sheets, and he swears that if he could see them, they’d be white. Hoseok moves both the fingers up slowly, and Kihyun really didn’t think that he would be able to grip on even tighter on the sheets. “Good?”

 

“Okay.” Kihyun replies breathily. The elder takes this as permission to take it even further, and soon Kihyun’s letting out a string of profanities as the other boy scissors his fingers inside of him, pushing even farther up. The younger winces a little at the pain, but the pain is soon being washed away by the pleasure. It feels great after a while. Hoseok takes his fingers out, covering them in more lube before shoving them back into Kihyun, but this time, he shoves a third one in as well. “Fuck!” Kihyun shrieks, and the older boy chuckles softly.  

 

“Can you hurry up?” Kihyun rushes the elder. It feels as if it’s been hours since he stuck the first finger in. “No. We need to open you up nice and good so it’ll be easier later.” Later. Kihyu can’t wait for later. “But if we don’t- Fuck!” Kihyun tries to complain, but he’s interrupted halfway as Hoseok sticks yet another finger in him, and this time with extra strength. He swears loudly as the elder’s fingers meet his prostate.

 

He decides that they’re good and removes his fingers from the boy. As much as Kihyun wanted this, he was a little disappointed at the lack of warmth at where Hoseok’s fingers once were. The elder hovers over him again, and he whimpers. Hoseok kisses him one more time, lips moving together in sync as Kihyun moans quietly. Hoseok separates from the other and instead puts his fingers into the younger boy’s lips. “Suck.” Hoseok says simply, and Kihyun follows because he’s just so damn desperate. “How do you taste? Good?” Hoseok asks. Of course Kihyun can’t reply, he has fingers in his mouth. He’s just going to ignore the fact that Hoseok shivered when he started sucking his fingers.

 

The elder removes them, a string of saliva attached to Kihyun’s mouth. He quickly unbuttons his jeans and throws them off as far away as possible, climbing back onto the bed where Kihyun is. “Shirt.” Kihyun points at Hoseok’s shirt, which was still on him for some reason. Hoseok laughs, pulling the fabric off smoothly. “God, you’re beautiful. Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for this?”

 

Hoseok adjusts himself quickly, and Kihyun can tell that he’s impatient too, rushing like that. He goes in slowly, and Kihyun could already feel the difference between Hoseok’s fingers and… that. He doesn’t dare to open his eyes. Kihyun swears that he’s sweating when Hoseok leans in to kiss him once again, moving slowly, afraid to hurt him. “Y-you can hurry up.” Kihyun stutters. “You can open your eyes, you know?” Hoseok replies, amused.

 

Kihyun stills for a moment as he feels Hoseok pull out for the slightest moment before he pushes in again – he doesn’t really expect it, and the older boy has Kihyun’s leg bracketing his hips. With every shallow thrust, Hoseok seems to be getting more and more eager. The other boy pulls almost all the way out, then, hands gripping Kihyun’s hips, slams back in,

 

Kihyun’s back arches back as Hoseok moves up further, a loud whiny moan echoing throughout the bedroom. He’s already sweating, when Hoseok hasn’t even made a sound. “You okay?” Hoseok asks, wiping a bead of sweat off Kihyun’s forehead. Kihyun nods, his eyes shut tightly. “Okay then,” Hoseok chuckles, “I’m going to go faster now.”

 

“Fuck!” Kihyun curses loudly, his cheeks flushed as the elder’s thrusts start to get more frequent and rough. Hoseok lets out an incoherent sound, indicating that this was definitely doing it for him. Kihyun’s hips give an involuntary buck when Hoseok swears lowly under his breath. The way Hoseok’s voice sounded just makes Kihyun want more, and he’s not sure what more he wants.

 

The elder bottoms out, groaning so loudly that it’ll probably wake a couple of people up. Kihyun throws his head farther back, as if there was plenty of space for him to do so. He reaches his hands out to grab on to any part of the bed he could cling on to, gripping onto the cold metal bars. It’s when Hoseok brushes against his prostate, when Kihyun realizes that he’s not going to be able to last any longer. Hoseok doesn’t seem to either, judging by how untentionally sloppy his thrusts had gotten, and then how quick they got again.

 

Hoseok hits the exact spot that Kihyun feels the most pleasure with – causing his moans to go an octave higher, and his climax to approach. It only hits when Hoseok decides to plunge himself right in again, and shit, here it is. Kihyun knows it’s here from the coiling sensation and heat in his stomach, one that he hasn’t gotten used to yet, but could recognize. It’s when Hoseok decides to brush against his prostate again when Kihyun loses it and comes, his entire body spasming. It lands mostly on his shirt, and a little on Hoseok’s right hand.

 

Kihyun falls back down onto the bed with a thump, shuddering underneath the elder who’s thrusting, thrusting, thrusting, then stilling, fingernails digging into Kihyun’s hipbones as he comes with a loud “fuck!” Kihyun almost immediately feels the warmth in himself, and it’s a pretty… interesting feeling. Hoseok freezes, still hovering over Kihyun, and panting. He lowers himself to the spot right next to Kihyun, who’s still out of it from what had happened previously. “Hey…” Hoseok starts, between pants. “That was nice.”

 

Kihyun nods in agreement – though he couldn’t agree about one thing. His shirt was completely soiled. He should’ve taken it out first. He pulls off the shirt and throws it into the pile where the rest of their clothing is. Hoseok raises an eyebrow, expecting an explaination from the younger boy. “My shirt has stuff on it, so…”

 

Hoseok smiles as he runs a hand through Kihyun’s hair. “That better be your clean hand.” Kihyun says, and Hoseok chuckles lowly. “It is, don’t worry.”

 

“Hey, Hoseok?” Kihyun asks, facing the ceiling. “Mhm?” Hoseok replies. “Um, that was great. I mean, thank you… for that.”

 

“Oh, what? There’s no need to be thanked for that, boyfriends fuck all the time! It’s just that this was our first time, so it _is_ a little special.”

 

“I guess.” Kihyun stifles a laugh. “Oh, and, Hoseok?”

 

“Mhm?” He asks again. “Um…”

 

“You know when you pull my hair?”

 

“Mhm?”

 

“Uh, keep doing that.”

 

“Oh, you kinky fuck,” Hoseok snickers, and Kihyun can feel his cheeks burning again. “Go to sleep. Tomorrow’s going to be a really long day.” Hoseok continues. Kihyun raises an eyebrow, even though he wouldn’t mind sleeping right at that moment. He’s exhausted. “Why’s tomorrow going to be a long day? I don’t remember anything happening tomorrow, did I forget something? Also, don’t they think that we exited the room to talk? Do you think that they’re still waiting for us to come back?”

 

“Maybe Minhyuk and Hyungwon are, since they become so stupid whenever they’re drunk. Changkyun and Jooheon probably already got a hint, and _heard_ us. Also, no, it’s not something that’s in our schedules. It’s just that… we weren’t exactly quiet in here. The others have probably heard, since the walls are thin. Plus, Jooheon and Changkyun didn’t drink. They definitely know what’s happening in here, and I’m a hundred percent sure. You aren’t going to be ready for the questions that’ll be launched at us tomorrow. So sleep, since tomorrow’s going to be a long ass day.”

 

“Oh, and Hyunwoo’s visiting tomorrow. So is Minhyuk’s mother.” Hoseok adds while casually wrapping an arm around Kihyun. “It’ll be a day, so go to sleep now. It’s late.”  The elder places a soft, gentle kiss on Kihyun’s temple. “I think my brother’s visiting.”

 

“Cool. Do you want to introduce your brother to your really cool boyfriend? I wouldn’t mind.” Hoseok replies cheekily. Kihyun rolls his eyes, but it’s not as if Hoseok can see it. It’s the thought that counts. “Well, it depends on how it goes tomorrow.”

 

“Okay then. Goodnight.” Hoseok nuzzles his face into the back of Kihyun’s neck, a feeling that makes Kihyun feel warm and comfortable inside. A feeling that makes Kihyun feel less alone, a feeling that makes Kihyun feel like home.

 

“Goodnight.”

 

Looking back at the memories the first time Kihyun had arrived, this was a big change. From dodging all of Hoseok’s questions, and being afraid of him in the bathrooms, this is what they are today. Hoseok’s as close to him as he’ll ever be – and it’s beautiful. It’s beautiful how people grow to be with each other and slowly get used to each other. Sure, this might not be the case for many, but we’re talking about Kihyun and Hoseok here. They’re beautiful.

 

So were the other guys. From being scared to them till today, where Kihyun is just like their second guardian, is a big change. He was afraid of how intimidating Changkyun looked – Changkyun, who turned out to be nothing but a sweetheart. A sweetheart with too many negative feelings about himself. Changkyun doesn’t want to spread negativity, so he just radiates whatever happiness he has in him, and keeps the sadness aside. He wants to make the people around him happy, and all that’s in himself is sadness.

 

Jooheon, the excited boy that’s pretty confident in what he has. Turns out he’s not as he seems. His lighthearted exterior is a complete opposite of what he actually is. Deep down, he just doesn’t want to hurt anybody. He’s afraid of hurting anyone, since he himself knows what it feels like to be hurt. He doesn’t want to inflict the same amount of pain he’s felt to anyone else, and he always takes the blame for everything, even when it’s not his fault. He feels guilty too often for it to be alright.

 

On the other hand, Minhyuk, who seemed to be the most hopeful out of all of them is probably the least. He put up a strong front, but it was all only just for Hyunwoo. He has a past with that boy – something beautiful, probably. But now that Hyunwoo’s not with him, he’s just not complete. Minhyuk has a large jigsaw puzzle fixed, but there’s only one small piece in the center, at the heart of the puzzle that’s not present. That’s Hyunwoo. That’s how important the other boy is to him.

 

Hyungwon is nothing but insecure. He must be the best, so that he can feel good about himself. He doesn’t like to fail at things, so he pretends to give up halfway to make it look as if he didn’t try. If he tried, and he tried even harder, he could do it. But, the boy is just so damn scared of rejection that he doesn’t even dare to try. He wants to try, and though his heart is telling him to try, his brain refuses to follow. Rejection is his biggest fear.

 

Hoseok and Kihyun? Together, they make one normal human being. Almost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as promised here's the 10k word update! i'm so sorry this took so long, the smut scene took me really long to write because smut isn't really my thing and i wanted to make it good so,,,,,,, pls tell me if there's typos - though i check and check, there's ALWAYS typos and it's sosososo embarrassing honestly


	13. PART XIII: PARADOX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The good and bad days.

_The good and bad days of depression._

 

The moment Kihyun wakes he feels that there’s something different. He doesn’t usually wake up like this, wrapped so tightly in Hoseok’s arms that he just might suffocate. He nudges the elder who groans against his neck, his moist breath sending shivers down Kihyun’s spine. Sure, it’s not the best feeling, but it shakes Kihyun right awake and he notices that the way he sees things now is… different. Something seems different from usual, and he’s not really sure what. Is it a little brighter?

 

Maybe his days _are_ getting better.

 

“Hoseok, wake up.” Kihyun pats the elder’s arm that’s wrapped around his chest and the elder groans as a reply. That’s a no, Kihyun guesses. “Hoseok, if you don’t wake up, I’ll… I’ll break up with you!” No response from the elder, except for the slight twitch at the right side of his mouth. “I’ll eat your breakfast! All of it!” Kihyun threatens, and the elder finally loosens his arms and sits up on the bed with a loud yawn. He stretches his arms obnoxiously and Kihyun scoffs. “Really? You prefer breakfast over your boyfriend?”

 

“Well, I have to have the most important meal of my day!” The elder grins sleepily and Kihyun rolls his eyes. “Unless you want to be my most important meal of the day?” Hoseok smirks suggestively and Kihyun smacks him on the arm, as hardly as possible. “What? Eat me? …No! You need nutrients, your vitamins, just – just go get ready, Hoseok.” Kihyun stutters and Hoseok seems to find this extremely hilarious. “My god! Stop staring, will you?”

 

“I never though you’d get flustered even after we become boyfriends.” Hoseok remarks, and Kihyun looks away, as if waiting for the elder to get ready for the day. Finally, with much reluctance, Hoseok drags himself out of the bed and gets ready. Kihyun is satisfied. “Why’re you getting flustered, of all people?”

 

 

 

“Sore?” Hyungwon asks, not looking up from his breakfast as Kihyun sits down with his tray. He feels his cheeks heating up as Hoseok kicks him on his right leg and he looks up to see the entire table, except Hyungwon, smirking at him. “Sore for what?” Kihyun plays innocent. If he were to be honest, it really hurt sitting on his bottom. But he’ll never admit it, he has too much of a pride. Changkyun and Jooheon scoff in unison. Kihyun guesses that it’s true that couples start to be in sync after a while. Minhyuk has a look of disbelief plastered on his face.

 

“Fine. What do you want to know?” Kihyun sighs, exasperated, food in his mouth and Hyungwon finally looks up, a single eyebrow raised. “What?” He swallows his food quickly. “You, Yoo Kihyun, willing to share personal information about your sex life?” Kihyun nods, and Hoseok looks like he’s about to choke on his rice. It wasn’t everyday where Kihyun would do or say something like that. “Even Hoseok-hyung looks surprised…” Minhyuk mutters and Hyungwon snorts. “Let’s make use of this and squeeze out every single piece of information we can manage to squeeze out.”

 

“How big is Hoseok-hyung?” Changkyun butts in, and Hyungwon glares at the youngest before he glances back to Kihyun, who has the most confused look on his face. “I thought we were talking about me. Hoseok’s okay. I guess. If you want to check, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind showing you.” Kihyun says, and Hoseok holds his heart as if he’s been shot right there. “Who do you think I am, showing my body for free? You’re lucky, Yoo Kihyun.”

 

Minhyuk chokes on his food, and laughs while coughing violently. “Guys, my food went down the wrong hole. Or should I say, up.” He coughs, and it’s Jooheon’s turn to burst out in laughter. Kihyun covers his mouth with the back of his hand, laughing like he’s never laughed in his entire life.

 

“Did he go into the wrong hole? Hoseok-hyung, I mean.” Hyungwon’s sudden seriousness is amusing and Kihyun has to stop himself from laughing before he actually brings himself to answer the boy’s question. “I only have one hole, Hyungwon. Do you not know how the human anatomy works?” Kihyun answers, and Minhyuk flaps his arms as if he’s underwater and drowning. Changkyun smacks the table violently, and the other patients look over to their table, some with annoyed looks, and the rest with amused looks. Kihyun would be amused too, if he were a bystander. Their table was a mess.

 

“Hey! You never know. I was just making sure. You can never be too sure.” Hyungwon adds, and Hoseok shakes his head at the boy. “He has a dick.” Hoseok says simply, in such a way that confuses a couple of them and makes Kihyun frown. “Hyung, you’re not funny. You should just stay out of this,” Minhyuk says jokingly, and Hoseok glares at him back the same way. “For your information, I stretched him out!” Hoseok adds. “Be appreciative!”

 

“Hyung, that’s still not fun. Everyone knows that.” Kihyun replies teasingly, and Hoseok had officially lost. He will never be able to win over the rest of them, to Kihyun’s delight. Minhyuk looks extremely merry, clapping his hands while laughing out loudly. Changkyun and Jooheon are simply just snickering quietly while watching the very amused Minhyuk. It’s nice to see him like this – they haven’t seen the boy laugh this hard since Hyunwoo left.

 

“Guys, this is the hardest I’ve laughed since Hyunwoo-hyung left.” Minhyuk himself mentions, and all their expressions fall the slightest bit, leaving Minhyuk looking the brightest. They don’t like it when Minhyuk reminds himself of Hyunwoo as a barrier – as if, without Hyunwoo, Minhyuk can’t have fun. This isn’t true, and they all know it. Hyunwoo only wants what’s best for the other boy, and he doesn’t have any selfish feelings. Everything he does is for Minhyuk.

 

“Speaking of Hyunwoo-hyung, he’s coming down today, right?” Jooheon asks, and Kihyun frowns. “Obviously? He comes every week without fail. This’ll be the first time he gets to meet Minhyuk’s mother in person, though.” Kihyun replies and Jooheon nods, mouthing an ‘o’. “Yeah, this will be the first time Hyunwoo-hyung gets to meet my mother outside of this place. She seems to like him – I guess they’ll be fine. She doesn’t know about our relationship, though. I don’t know how she’ll react if I tell her.”

 

“You should probably tell her soon.” Kihyun states simply, and Minhyuk nods. “I should, but not now. I just… I need to wait for the right moment, I’ll tell her when it feels right.”

 

“I don’t think she’d be surprised, hyung.” Jooheon adds, “You and Hyunwoo-hyung are always so touchy. I mean, you, hyung, in particular. She’s probably suspecting it right now.”

 

“Guys,” Hoseok smiles and all of them divert their attention to the oldest. “My mother’s visiting again.”

 

Kihyun’s eyes widen. He’s never actually heard about Hoseok’s family – and he suddenly notices how selfish he has been. Everything was about him, and Hoseok probably had things to share as well. “Oh, when, hyung?” Jooheon asks, putting his spoon down and looking at Hoseok with curious eyes. “It’s really been quite a while…” Hoseok says. “She’s visiting today.”

 

Kihyun wrings his hands under the table.

 

Kihyun gulps as guilt overwhelms him. He hopes he doesn’t look too upset or anything. He would support anything that makes Hoseok happy. Even Hyungwon eyes him suspiciously. “H- how’s she like?” Kihyun pushes himself to say something. Hoseok turns. “She’s… I don’t know. It really just depends on her mood on the day itself.”

 

Kihyun turns to look down at his food, and suddenly he doesn’t really have an appetite anymore. “I’m full,” he states. Hoseok frowns. “You’ve only taken a bite out of-”

 

“I need the toilet.” Kihyun pushes the chair as well as the table when he stands up in an instant and dashes to the nearest toilet. A sudden wave of nausea hits him. No, he’s not going to vomit. He would never allow himself to.

 

His head is spinning.

 

He thinks he’s going to fall.

 

He pulls the door open violently and lunges for the toilet, but nothing comes out – he just remains as the mess he is on the floor, dry heaving and trying to catch his breath all at the same time. It’s all too much, and he feels as if he’s about to explode. He feels digusting and filled with nothing but guilt. Guilt, guilt, guilt. He can’t handle it anymore. There’s a pressure on his stomach, and it’s increasing steadily.

 

He doesn’t know how he’s going to get through this. He’s trying to get through it. He can’t get through this. He can’t possibly-

 

“Kihyun?” That’s Hoseok’s voice. “Kihyun?” And that’s Hyungwon’s voice.

 

Obviously concerned, Hoseok searches for his cubicle, the only locked cubicle. The shadows linger in front of his door and Kihyun shudders. He _is_ disgusting. “Why did you come and look for me? You should’ve continued having your breakfast. I’m-” He hiccoughs. “-fine.”

 

“You think I’m stupid enough to believe that? Open the door.” Hoseok replies instantly. “I’m alright! There’s no need to worry. I just have a really bad stomachache and-” He hiccoughs again. “Just open the cubicle, Kihyun.” This time, Hyungwon replies. He’s not opening it. “No, I’ll come out when my stomach feels fine again.”

 

Kihyun isn’t going to let Hoseok comfort him again. He needs to give back to him. He doesn’t know the pain, the suffering that Hoseok goes through for him. He’s definitely not going to make Hoseok give his all again, to get nothing in return. This isn’t how a relationship works, isn’t it?

 

Isn’t it obvious that he’s slowing Hoseok’s recovery down?

 

“Come on, Kihyun. We can plan on how we’re going to tell my mother and your brother that we’re dating.” Hoseok starts. It’s always him. This doesn’t make sense. There are two people in the relationship.

 

“She’s going to be so-”

 

“Fuck off, Hoseok!” Kihyun shouts. It wasn’t a normal shout. He couldn’t control himself. Kihyun never knew that a sound like that could escape his lips, neither did those words. It felt as if there was someone that wasn’t him inside of him, controlling him to hurt Hoseok. “I think we should give him space, hyung.” Hyungwon mutters, but Kihyun chooses not to acknowledge this.

 

The worst part is, Kihyun knows that he’s being extremely irrational. It’s just impossible for him to stop himself from feeling that way. He has an inability to do so, which was the reason why he was admitted into a mental hospital in the first place, and now he’s slowing everyone down in here. “Kihyun, please listen. Please listen to me.” Hoseok begs, and Kihyun could hear him holding back tears. Yet, the only thing in Kihyun’s mind is how much he hates himself. There is no time to think about Hoseok.

 

Their footsteps fade away slowly, and Kihyun heaves a sigh of relief when they’re gone. After the temporary relief blew over, he realizes that he’d still have to face them eventually. He’d still have to go to therapy. He’s just made a huge mistake, but he can’t go back running with open arms, pretending that nothing ever happened, when he probably just ruined everyone’s day – Hoseok was so excited to finally see his mother, and… Kihyun ruined it. 

 

He feels stuck, and the cubicle suddenly seems ten times smaller. How was he going to bring himself to leave the toilet? Is he just being overdramatic?

 

There’s no way he said those words. There’s no way he asked Hoseok to leave. He loves him. Or does he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am back

**Author's Note:**

> this is gonna be a fast one (i changed my mind; this is not going to be a fast one but it's definitely going to be wordy!) 
> 
> anyways welcome to this fic from the writer of group chat (the one where hoseok's a huge fuckboi)! all of my kiho fics will be kind of linked so their characters will be exaggerated depending on the context - for example hoseok being a fuckboy in my 'group chat' fic, hoseok being bulimic in this fic and hoseok being ******** in my long one-shot that is CURRENTLY IN PROGESS!! **and kihyun being tired in every single one of my fics same also hyungwon is always a meme
> 
> i hope you guys stay around for the updates! updates can range from 1-5 days and it really depends on my mood/how many chapters i've written. it won't pass a week because i get so damn annoyed whenever people take months/many many weeks to update their fics // UPDATE: i'm a hypocrite... omg... i really dislike it when people take forever to update, although i myself am not too free but i'll try my best to get everything done asap, and i'll definitely not abandon this fic bc i've had this idea for a long time and i need to write the part that i've planned cleanly before i can even LEAVE  
> aka updates range from 3 days to 1 month MAX (if it's one month i swear the chapter'll be VERY VERY VERY wordy ok so pls bear with me i'm sorry
> 
> so, yes, welcome to 'i only need you' and i hope you're ready for this long ass ride


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